krissy1989f Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Hi, I just signed up to this site and this is my first post. I feel it will make me feel better if I have alot of people to receive advice from now and in the future. Currently my problem is about me wondering if i should feel as guilty as i do or not....heres the story....back in August I met this guy he was extremely nice and attractive, and very respectful, didn't force me into sex or anything which was a big turn on. We would hang out maybe once a week sometimes maybe twice. I would go to his house sometimes and stay the nite and sometimes we would go out for a couple drinks and what not. It was clear that we really liked each other but never labeled it anything and it never felt like it was going anywhere and it always bothered me that I would go to his house spend the nite and then not hear from him for days until he decided he had time to spend with me....this went on for 6 months....on New Years he did not bother to ask me to spend the holiday with him..so I went out with some friends and had one too many drinks, I did hook up with someone, and it was someone I would of never hooked up with sober (even a possibility he was gay) but thats another story lol. Anyways, the day after new years the guy i was talking to invited me over, naturally i went and felt very guilty...before telling him what I did i asked him where we were going with our relationship since it had been 6 months and basically he told me it was going nowhere and that i could move on but that he did really like me and would probably end up missing me and calling me........when i told him what i did he was respectful but basically said he wanted nothing to do with me and that he felt cheated on and it would always be in the back of his mind ...he didnt even try to hang out until recently and he was the one who initiated the contact....2 months later I am still beating myself up about it, I'm not sure if its because I'm mad at myself for having a random hook up or if i feel guilty for "losing" what i "had" with this other guy...i need to know what to do... thanks..
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Well, you didn't have anything with the first guy, obviously - he told you so before you "confessed," right? I don't think you need to be feeling guilty, exactly, but it would surely be a good idea for you to be true to yourself. If you really like a guy, it seems like you feel bad about having sex with another guy. So, don't do that. Next time, have the "where is this going" talk with a man you really like before you sleep with another man. Also, not being "forced" to have sex is a turn-on for you? Are you normally forced to have sex? What kind of guys are you dating? 1
norajane Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 it always bothered me that I would go to his house spend the nite and then not hear from him for days until he decided he had time to spend with me....this went on for 6 months It sounded like you had 6 months of FWB, or even just booty call, not a relationship. Relationships involve actually becoming a part of each other's lives, doing things (outside of just his house) together, and, of course, having emotional and intellectual intimacy as well as the physical intimacy. Stop beating yourself up. There is nothing to be gained by that. And learn to have higher expectations of a relationship. If a guy is going to the be the man in your life, he needs to act like the man in your life, not just the man in your bed when he wants you. 1
make me believe Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 He was probably out there fking other girls the whole time you guys had your little FWB thing going on, so whatever. He felt cheated on even though he would disappear for days on end, never asked you to be his girlfriend, and never told you he wanted to be exclusive?? Seriously, WHATEVER. You didn't "have" anything with this guy. Like norajane said, this was not a relationship. You were just the convenient option for him to get some sex when he wanted it. Why didn't you ever question what he was doing when he would ignore you for days, and why didn't you tell him upfront that you wanted a proper relationship? Learn from this experience and next time don't let a guy fk you for 6 months when what you really want is a relationship with him. When a guy likes you and wants to be with you he does not go for days without speaking to you, and he definitely doesn't let months pass while he has sex with you and refuses to "label it" anything. If you are honest with yourself, it was clear from the beginning that all he wanted was sex. But you thought that if you spent enough time with him, eventually he'd want a real relationship with you and would "upgrade" you to girlfriend status. That's not how it works when the guy actually likes you and wants you to be his gf though. Also, not being "forced" to have sex is a turn-on for you? Are you normally forced to have sex? What kind of guys are you dating? Yeah that stuck out for me too.... OP I think you need to adjust your expectations if a guy not forcing you to have sex with him is considered a turn-on or unusual.. (I'm assuming by "force" you mean cajoling, pestering, etc, not actual rape...) 1
Professor X Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Also, not being "forced" to have sex is a turn-on for you? Are you normally forced to have sex? What kind of guys are you dating? Ye, that line caught my attention as well... I'd love to hear an explanation regarding it as well.
nofool4u Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 when i told him what i did he was respectful but basically said he wanted nothing to do with me and that he felt cheated on and it would always be in the back of his mind...he didnt even try to hang out until recently and he was the one who initiated the contact....2 months later I am still beating myself up about it, I'm not sure if its because I'm mad at myself for having a random hook up or if i feel guilty for "losing" what i "had" with this other guy...i need to know what to do... thanks.. First off, use paragraphs. Damn hard to read. Secondly, this is why I don't date people that feel the need to party. If he contacted you after he said he didn't want anything to do with you, does everything seem on the mend with him? He knows what you did, so nothing more you can do, but let him decide how he wants to proceed. And maybe, if you don't want to lose him, that you should refrain from partying without him, or partying alltogether. Because there is a primary reason to party, and it isn't just to get drunk and throw up.
Andy_K Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I suspect she means 'pushed' or 'pressured' rather than forced. Anyway OP, you can stop beating yourself up about this because you had nothing with the first guy to 'lose' in the first place. All you did was give him a really good excuse so he can blame you for things not 'going anywhere', rather than admit he just isn't into you enough for that and never was.
veggirl Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Krissy, he said it felt like he was cheated on? And that it would "always" be in the back of his mind? Trust me, he's already forgotten. He didn't and doesn't give a shiz.
nofool4u Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Krissy, he said it felt like he was cheated on? And that it would "always" be in the back of his mind? Trust me, he's already forgotten. He didn't and doesn't give a shiz. If you knew how us guys thought, you'd know that isn't true. Unless he the reason he might end up not giving a "shiz" is that he'll use this experience to do a whats good for the goose attitude.
veggirl Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 If you knew how us guys thought, you'd know that isn't true. Unless he the reason he might end up not giving a "shiz" is that he'll use this experience to do a whats good for the goose attitude. Did you read the OP? She WANTED exclusivity with him. He would disappear for days and not contact her. He told her he didn't want to be with her. He was using her for sex, she did NOT cheat on this guy.
Author krissy1989f Posted February 25, 2012 Author Posted February 25, 2012 I do agree I made a mistake, and I am not a big partier, I never have been in this situation and I am 22 years old. So I do not think it's right that some of you are putting me down for going out and drinking a little too much...I learned my lesson but it doesn't make me a bad person. I'm just more worried that maybe this mistake has made me lose someone. He is a very nice person, but yeah I am scared that all I was, was a hook up to him and he knew I was being loyal to him even though we were nothing. Once I did venture to another guy he got mad...it just doesn't make sense....I'm just wondering if he is over it...and I'm also confused about why he has contacted me again and hung out with me and we were civil, it seemed he had no anger towards me. IDK, I guess I'm just confused in general
veggirl Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 Krissy why do you want him to contact you? He will never give you what you want. You need to forget him and find a guy who wants you and wanrs to call you his girlfriend. This guy is nothing but future heartache for you.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 26, 2012 Posted February 26, 2012 Don't beat yourself up anymore. Just move on and realize that very few guys are going to take you seriously if you are so damn easy. FWB relationships are retarded. Sure they work sometimes... but only when both people are emotionally damaged train wrecks, not capable of caring for anyone but themselves. For the rest of us normal people... it's just a recipe for pain and suffering.
Author krissy1989f Posted February 26, 2012 Author Posted February 26, 2012 Well I wouldn't consider myself easy.. I did wait to sleep with this guy and I really liked him and he knew that..I made a mistake pretty much and I just wanna be forgiven.. Even though in the back of my mind I know I deserved better from my FWB situation.. Sometimes it felt like more I guess..
Professor X Posted February 26, 2012 Posted February 26, 2012 didn't force me into sex or anything which was a big turn on. Explain please Krissy.
CC12 Posted February 26, 2012 Posted February 26, 2012 I made a mistake pretty much and I just wanna be forgiven.. What was the mistake? Sleeping with someone else? If you feel that was a mistake, then forgive yourself, but you absolutely don't need his forgiveness. You didn't wrong him. You didn't have a committed relationship when that happened. And then he told you it's going nowhere. There's nothing to salvage or to feel sorry for. You didn't ruin a potential relationship, there never was potential. He told you that. Also, it's pretty ****ing offensive that he thinks you're somehow not fit for him now because you were with someone else. Does he seriously expect you to be faithful to him even though he's not serious about you? How dare he tell you that "it's going nowhere. You can move on but I'll probably still call you and stuff" and then the next minute, "I want nothing to do with you and I feel like I've been cheated on." The nerve! That is straight up BS. You didn't do him wrong. He is a very nice person No, he's not.
Author krissy1989f Posted February 26, 2012 Author Posted February 26, 2012 I mean that at times he did seem to really like me and even said it and we were intimate.. He did seem upset but after a month he called n even came to visit me since I just moved an hour away.. Idk this is just one of those things I'll be upset with myself about for awhile n then it was just be a faded memory..
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