freckles72 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Hello all. Very new to the forum but getting quite a bit of experience at the dating game!!. I’ve been single for 3 years and dating on and off in that time. My recent experience was with a lovely French guy a few years my junior. We lived 2 hours apart, met on internet dating. We chatted for a while online and met finally a few weeks ago. He said he was tired of one night stands and wanted a relationship. (Hmm number 1) Its was great and we hit it off straight away. We said we’d wait 20 days before sex to ensure we got to know each other. But we went away on our second date and shared a bed which meant unfortunately this rule was broken. But it didn’t seem to matter we met every weekend after and he said amazing things like he wanted to be my boyfriend and what an amazing team we made, I met his friends and he told his mum about me……. Anyway 5 weekends on (we saw each other weekend). I started to sense he had slowed down in his texting and emailing so asked if we could chat yesterday about staying at his one night. I was due to stay at his soon when I was in London for work. He text saying he felt the relationship was going too fast and was scared. He is having a bad time at work and wasn’t sure about the distance or kids. I replied with a do you need some time to think to take the pressure off and he said that was very understanding and yes he’d like that. So I replied with a ok I’ll let you contact me. Nice and cool from me I thought. Anyway I always knew he was a bit of a ladies man but googled his name and discovered posts from him (3 years ago) on a pick up women site. They were very explicit on how many women he had been with and all the techniques he used. I am now thinking, have I been played by this guy. He said and did all the right things and got me into bed. Is this brush off a nice way of saying he doesn’t want me as a girlfriend now he’s had his way with me or do you think he is genuine in his its moving too fast text. I don’t intend to text him but have some of his stuff and am tempted to just say I’m posting them on don’t bother contacting me, what do people think? Thanks in advance…. Freckles xxx
silvermercy Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 He's a player I'm afraid. Move on! As I have mentioned in many threads I always ask about his sexual past very early on so as to see if he has a pattern, and if he does, how long before he has broken it. If I get a response like you did ("tired of one night stands and now wants a relationship") I'm not proceeding further with any dates, let alone sleeping with him (no matter how charming and convincing he is). Why? Simply because the pattern has not been broken. Am I to believe he has CHANGED ALL OF A SUDDEN BECAUSE HE MET ME!? No... no... no... NO. That's where you should have stopped, too, when you heard about his past. But you continued unfortunately. Yes, I think you've been played. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Of course! But you enjoyed yourself, right? Actually, he might be sincere. Maybe he feels every one of the women might be for real, and then gets "scared." Could me a regular old commitmentphobe. Players and commitmentphobes are often the same people. 1
Author freckles72 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Hmm I enjoyed myself but I do hate the build of what this could be....isn't this great....then the drop out of the blue. Something a bit of honestly might have avoided. But thats the joys of dating
JazzyFox Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Played I too have been charmed by "the player" in my now-distant past and did not do my due diligence before sleeping with him. He told me everything I wanted to hear. And then, he pulled back. Cut the rope (but dont be surprised if he still reaches out to you when he gets horny and is looking for an easy lay)
Author freckles72 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Interesting... You think I'd be wiser at my age but I fall for it every time. I guess his past is a good indicator, although to be fair I've not been Snow White but am genuine in my look for love. What do you look for Jazzyfox to avoid these guys? I need all the advice I get can get!!
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Yep, pretty text book for the average douche player. When you told him to wait 20 days that was just a challenge, he laughed at you in his mind because he knew he was going to get it sooner than that...It's not rocket science..especially If you can make a woman feel that "special connection" It's all part of the act, but like all acts It must come to an end and that's one of the typical excuses given. I think it's sad the type that introduce you to friends or say they talk to you about you to their mom, because that's just a low blow, but with the friends he was just parading you around like a trophy...kinda like If he went fishing and showing off the catch, telling you about his mom was just to make you feel special. Any guy telling you he's you tired of one night stands and is looking for a relationship should be a huge red flag up front, that's a ploy to manipulate you a little bit and get you to lower your defenses so that you're more easily trusting and you feel he is honest and genuine. It's honestly really easy to spot these low level player types, you just have to know what to look out for and essentially just give it time because most of these guys are pretty weak...you're just interested in them because you're willing to look beyond their game because they are attractive, charming, or saying all the right things...which is why you let things slide. It's like being sold fake watches on the side of the street but the person selling them was attractive so you believed it, you should already know It isn't real because something seems awry and If it were somebody more obviously that fit the part in your mind you would get it...however when it's a wolf in sheeps clothing you want to believe that they're real and you're getting an amazing deal on a fabulous watch. Give it time though, the clothing always reveals the true colors of a man...they will give up, and they will respect you if they want to be with you. You getting all swept away just means mission accomplished, I duped another naive, woman with fake charm and appeal. Oh and you won't get an honest answer as silvermercy indicated about sexual past, that's an easy one to avoid and most men wouldn't make themselves out to be a player if they have peas for brains. It's about giving it time and seeing through what a man is saying, not taking everything as truth and literally. Hopefully he hasn't dug in deep enough where he's pulling your emotional strings, If he knew what he was doing you'd be all in love with him and unable to make any competent decisions...but I think his plan was just for the sex so I'll think you'll be alright unless he comes back for some side action while he "waits" 20 days with another new girl. 1
JazzyFox Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Interesting... You think I'd be wiser at my age but I fall for it every time. I guess his past is a good indicator, although to be fair I've not been Snow White but am genuine in my look for love. What do you look for Jazzyfox to avoid these guys? I need all the advice I get can get!! Freckles, I don't know if I have the definitive answer to this age-old question. I think it's a two-part answer. There is him ... then there is you. In my case, I think I was just so happy to fall in love and believe him, that I feel prey to his sweet words and caresses. It felt good. The sex was great (of course it was, this guy was "experienced" ) and I just became blind to my more rational side. I just let my hormones and body dictate my actions. Of course, I compounded the problem ... not only because I didn't read the signs, not only because I let myself fall into his arms, but also because when he did retreat (and "players" always do) ... I just took that as a sign to "do more". I felt it was my way for "paying karma" for all the good feelings he brought me. Of course that meant him retreating more and playing the "noncommital" card. I thought it was me. I agonized, and tried to change and made excuses for him. Thank god for LS at the time. My friends IRL would tell me the same, but seeing me "in person" made them more gentle with their comments or criticisms of his behaviour. But here, on LS, boy I got both barrels aflaming. The lesson I learned was to stay on my heels, wait for the man to approach, wait for the man to work for my attention, and always expect more from him and the relationship. A "player" will soon lose interest if the sex isn't forthcoming in the short term. In fact, they will soon lose interest even if there is sex in the short term. I'm not saying you need to wait 4 weeks before sleeping with him ... but definitely not on the second date ... no matter how wet your panties are. Also, you meeting him "halfway" was a big no-no. His job is to "woo" you. He needs to make an effort. The only effort you should be making is to make yourself pretty and accept (if you wish) his advances (non-sexual ones). That puts him clearly as the "hunter", and few men are attracted to "easy prey". 2
veggirl Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Agreed with the others. Date more locally if possible and don't even mention sex early on. Avoid falling into the insta relationship stuff....
Author freckles72 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Thanks all, some great advice. I think you are all completely correct. The good thing for me is, I suppose this is the expereince talking now, if I see this behavious as I am now (a little late lol). I walk away, I wont chase him. As you all guess he may come round for some more sex but its not on offer anymore. I'm going to bounce up and shout next pretty soon, hopefully with my eyes open a little wider! I'm loving this forum!!
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