Lifespbag Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Hello everyone, I recently caught my wife having an affair with a good friend of mine I have known longer than her. I have never ever had a problem with this guy or ever said a bad word about him. She has ended contact with him and says she wants to reconcile. She says she loves me but constantly says hurtful things to me. I have tried to be real cool and not go off on her. I have tried to introduce things we could do to try to find each other again. I don't want to make it sound like I handled it great cause I didn't. I was pissed and called my friend and was ready to go beat him until his face was a pulp but I have a kid and jail time isn't something I need. Getting back to my wife, I have tried to talk to her about everything. Find out why it happened and see if she still loves me to decide if I should continue or not. I do love her more than words can express and I have treated her very well. Our intimacy was wonderful for many many years. So, I am confused as to why it happened. She says she loves me but said she resented me for working hard which she acts like I was never home when I was there a majority of the time, only having to be out 1 or 2 evenings tops outside of my regular work hours. She used a bunch of little things that we could have fixed easily in ten minutes with conversation against me to justify the affair. She says she loves me and wants to be with me but has stated that she has trouble opening up to me, doesn't find me physically attractive and when I asked what I can work on to help make me more attractive to her, she didn't have an answer. So to me it said there is no hope for me to become attractive to her. I don't get it cause I am not a bad looking guy at all and girls 10 years younger than me flirt and my response is that I am married and love my wife every time. Never once was tempted. My ego and heart are shattered. Other things she has done. I thought we could maybe try an exercise to see the positive things in each other and try to reconnect. I just asked us to name one thing we admire about each other. I went first and told her a sweet thing about her and how are sense of humor are the same and things we find funny at times are things that we only laugh at. Her turn....after 5 minutes and a face of hmmmmmm.....let me think of something....hmmmmm......straining to find something....she busts out that I am good with our daughter. WTF? She never shows remorse, I basically had to beg for an apology. One minute she is super nice and sweet, but when it's time to help me get feel better about myself or help me understand or help me move past this, it's like a dagger stabbing in my heart. Another example is I asked her to please help me. Open up to me about how she feels, good or bad. Told her I am getting to a point of a nervous breakdown and teetering on sanity. Asked her to please give me kind of support and encouragement. She literally sat there silent watching me ball my eyes out begging for help. Now I am to a point where I hate myself, am starting to despise her and want to go go hurt the OM as well as myself. We are in counseling but we just started and only had one session and it was a meet and greet type thing. I am helpless, the pain will not go away, the images in my head get worse, and hope is running out. The stress is overwhelming. My chest and shoulder blades feel like they are getting pulled from each side. My head feels like it has so much pressure my eyes are going to pop out. Pain shoots through my legs and every muscle feels sore. Anger is building and I don't know what to do. I feel like just giving up! HELP!
Philosoraptor Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 She has no respect for you or your relationship. She is doing everything she can to put the blame on you rather than taking any responsibility for her actions. Tell her calmly that her decision to cheat was her choice and her choice alone. Nothing you did forced it and if she was unhappy she could have brought the issues up constantly or ended the relationship. Do not let her give reasons for her affair. She made the choice and no one put a gun to her head and made her do it. Until she takes responsibility for viloting your marriage things can never work as there will be much resentment and disrespect.
stillafool Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I'm so sorry for your pain. Your wife is making excuses that do not add up. Like you said the problems she had with you could have been cleared up in 5 minutes. Instead she decided to slut around with your friend. Instead of being remorseful and trying to win you back she has you trying to win her back. It is her job now to do everything you ask of her to continue on with your marriage. I know this is harsh, but you should have thrown her out of the house and sent her packing with your friend. She would then know you mean business and would be depressed about her lost. Probably trying to get back with you. Now she has the upper hand and has somewhat lost respect for you probably because you forgave her so fast. Women cannot feel romantic love with men they don't respect. Since this happened to you recently, hopefully you can make a complete turn-a-round on her arse. Soon knowledgable posters will enter this thread and tell you more. 1
Binster Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Basicly mate if she doesn't feel and show real remorse you cant make it happen. If this is her reaction to it all you're just seting yourself up for it to happen again. Talk to a lawyer and get an idea what will be your rights etc in the event of a split, because it doesn't really sound as though she gives a damn about you. Sorry mate but thats how it looks to me.
JazzyFox Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 She showed no remorse? Come on ... Really? Well, then, you have your answer. Pack her bags, and let her go.
Author Lifespbag Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Can anyone give any insight as to why she would constantly play a game of I love you but here's a hurtful statement?
JazzyFox Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Can anyone give any insight as to why she would constantly play a game of I love you but here's a hurtful statement? She doesnt respect you and is getting off on the power trip (which unfortunately also makes you VERY unattractive). Saying I LOVE YOU is easy. Making amends is more difficult. Kick her out. Make her work for it. PS find her a furnished apartment and pay the first month. Keep the kid, and find a nanny/babysitter if you need to. If you take the harsh road, this will be resolved before she even has to pay the second month. That said, do you really want her back under motivations of convenience and financial support?
Author Lifespbag Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Thanks. I know I am done. It just sucks cause I treated her so well and love her sooo much. I feel bad for my daughter and I just can't bear to see her cry about this. It breaks my heart. If I kick her out, I am not paying for her to live in an apartment. She works too. If she doesn't respect me, then she ain't going to respect my money either. Now, how do you guys get past the pain, the images, the anger, the want to hurt the person? I am finding myself really struggling and have even been to some very scary points.
Philosoraptor Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Thanks. I know I am done. It just sucks cause I treated her so well and love her sooo much. I feel bad for my daughter and I just can't bear to see her cry about this. It breaks my heart. If I kick her out, I am not paying for her to live in an apartment. She works too. If she doesn't respect me, then she ain't going to respect my money either. Now, how do you guys get past the pain, the images, the anger, the want to hurt the person? I am finding myself really struggling and have even been to some very scary points. This part takes time. What you need to aim for is forgiveness as holding onto anger only hurts ourselves. Once you find forgiveness with everything that plagued the relationship and the breakup you will find peace. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, but control them enough to not take negative actions. If you find yourself lingering in a negative emotion for too long you should do something else to occupy your mind.
Author Lifespbag Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 They won't go away from the moment I wake up until the moment I FINALLY fall asleep. I am starting to hate myself as well as her which I never thought was possible. I definitely hate him and so want to make him pay for what he has done. Probably over there high fiving his buddies cause he scored with my wife. Burns me up to no end!!
Kidd Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Can anyone give any insight as to why she would constantly play a game of I love you but here's a hurtful statement? Because she was already gone when she started the affair. She's staying out guilt, obligation, or fear of what you'll do. She spent a lot of time justifying the affair in her mind and blaming you for the state of the marriage. Now she resents you for toppling her house of cards and forcing her to stay. It takes true remorse on her part (which never shifts the blame to you for her decisions) and a lot of control on your part for years to heal from this. She's not even starting. You do need to decide what exactly are your requirements and boundaries for you in order to avoid divorce. She meets your requirements without defensiveness or you tell her to walk. Keep reading and posting. Sorry you are here. Nobody wants to join this club but you're a lifetime member now. Lots of support and wisdom here for you.
Author Lifespbag Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Thank you everyone. She has been an open book about it. Given me all her passwords and phone stuff. She even ordered me a basket of treats to work and brought up some good times we have had. She doesn't talk to the guy anymore. But she just somehow finds a way to hurt me either by silence or with her words. It's so confusing and painful.
standtall Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I'm with the rest of the posters here. Women's attraction for men goes way beyond the physical.One thing for sure is women are not attracted to men they don't respect,,that is obvious here. Stop being a doormat and show her the door unless she does some major changes....total exposure, nc with om, apologies with sincere efforts to fix.
Author Lifespbag Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 She has done total exposure, she has terminated talk to the other guy, she did apologize, 2 nights ago but after I got pissed and asked her why she isn't apologizing, why she isn't remorseful, and demanded it.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Our intimacy was wonderful for many many years. So, I am confused as to why it happened. She says she loves me but said she resented me for working hard which she acts like I was never home when I was there a majority of the time, only having to be out 1 or 2 evenings tops outside of my regular work hours. She used a bunch of little things that we could have fixed easily in ten minutes with conversation against me to justify the affair. She says she loves me and wants to be with me but has stated that she has trouble opening up to me, doesn't find me physically attractive and when I asked what I can work on to help make me more attractive to her, she didn't have an answer. Here is something for you to think about: I've been there. Before my wife started her affair, we both thought our marriage was very good. We were both very physically attracted to each other. However, AFTER she became infatuated with her new co-worker, only then did she start to look for faults in me and in our marriage. She would find the smallest fault and magnify it, and then compare that to the over-idealized projection of her new boyfriend. Of course her new boyfriend was more attractive, she didn't have to live with him. She didn't know his annoying idiosyncrasies. She could project onto him whatever she idealized. How can a BS compete against that?! It is typical for a WS to look (or even create) for a reason to justify their behavior. Example: one of the "faults" that my wife used to justify (at that time) her affair was that she never felt that she clicked with my parents. My point is: hang in there. During my wife's affair she was repulsed by my presence. That was just a defense mechanism kicking in to alleviate her guilt and shame for cheating. Once the affair was over, her attraction to me returned. This might be what you/she are experiencing; or it might not be. Please don't be so quick to think that it is all about you. My wife's affair was all about her. Best of luck. It's hell. 2
Author Lifespbag Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Here is something for you to think about: I've been there. Before my wife started her affair, we both thought our marriage was very good. We were both very physically attracted to each other. However, AFTER she became infatuated with her new co-worker, only then did she start to look for faults in me and in our marriage. She would find the smallest fault and magnify it, and then compare that to the over-idealized projection of her new boyfriend. Of course her new boyfriend was more attractive, she didn't have to live with him. She didn't know his annoying idiosyncrasies. She could project onto him whatever she idealized. How can a BS compete against that?! It is typical for a WS to look (or even create) for a reason to justify their behavior. Example: one of the "faults" that my wife used to justify (at that time) her affair was that she never felt that she clicked with my parents. My point is: hang in there. During my wife's affair she was repulsed by my presence. That was just a defense mechanism kicking in to alleviate her guilt and shame for cheating. Once the affair was over, her attraction to me returned. This might be what you/she are experiencing; or it might not be. Please don't be so quick to think that it is all about you. My wife's affair was all about her. Best of luck. It's hell. As hopeful as that sounds, her affair is over and has been for 3 weeks. Since I found out. I think I will listen to the other posters and demand her respect and if she wants me back, she can earn it. I am kicking her out tonight. I can't take anymore.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 As hopeful as that sounds, her affair is over and has been for 3 weeks. Since I found out. I think I will listen to the other posters and demand her respect and if she wants me back, she can earn it. I am kicking her out tonight. I can't take anymore. No one can blame you for that move.
Philosoraptor Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 He doesn't need to forgive her in order to have peace and even if that were the case, he'd be lying to himself if he said those words now. So holding onto anger is finding peace? Fact is that never finding forgiveness will lead to negative emotions anytime he thinks about her or this situation. I never said it had to happen in any time frame, it just has to happen for any true peace to ever come of his heart. "To be angry is to let others' mistakes punish yourself. To forgive others is to be good to yourself." - Master ChengYen So far he's not doing anything negative except expressing his anger, which he has a right to feel and is going to feel for a long while. When something traumatic happens like this emotions will rise. Trying to bury those feelings will only make matters worse. Which is why I said not to hide from his feelings. But you should also limit how long you are willing to sit there and suffer when nothing is getting accomplished. Feelings your emotions is not a negative action. A negative action is attacking either of those who hurt him, binge drinking, hurting himself, etc.
KathyM Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Wow, I'm so sorry. You have a very selfish, self-centered wife who thinks she's entitled to have her cake and eat it too. Tell her to pack her bags and leave--that you don't want a woman who wants or needs somebody else. And I would suggest you find some ways of coping with your anger and resentment to relieve those negative stress hormones that are giving you physical symptoms. That is your body turning its anger inward and causing you physical symptoms. Make sure you make time to exercise every day, which relieves some of the stress, get yourself some individual counseling to help you to have a safe outlet to talk about all your mixture of emotions, but I do think it's probably best to physically distance yourself from your wife right now in order to sort out your feelings. She shows no remorse. She shows no respect for you. I don't think you should allow yourself to be picked apart by this woman while living together. She doesn't deserve the opportunity to reconcile at this point when she has no remorse and is laying this all on you as somehow your fault that it happened.
frozensprouts Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Welcome to the club! having had a spouse who cheated myself, i understand just how crappy it can make you feel:(...it's not a club anyone would choose to be a member of when i first found out my husband was cheating , I tried so hard to do everything i could to make things better, but nothing changed. He just kept waffling, and i got more and more hurt ( not to mention how hard it was on our kids).He also seemed to have turned from a person who was a nice guy into someone who could be and say very cruel things for no reason One person on here gave me a good piece of advice that boiled down to the fact that as long as I was willing to accept being treated badly, then that's how he would treat me. As long as i was a doormat, i would be treated like one. They were so right. I got so sick of it and I just couldn't take it anymore, i told him that if being with her was what would make him happy, then he should go and be with her. The affair ended pretty much right after that. I didn't say that to him to be manipulative , but because i was sick of it and was standing up for myself. My advice to you would be to do the same. Stand up for yourself. Tell her you need her to leave so you have time to think about about what you want and need and what is best for you ( and your daughter too). Then, if you do decide that you want your marriage, you need to have certain conditions she'll have to meet ( they are different for each person)before you agree for her to come back. If you decide divorce is your best option this will also give you some time alone to get that process started... whatever you decide, you've got a long road ahead of you...i'm sorry you have found yourself in this place 1
Author Lifespbag Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Frozen, Thank you. That to me sounds like the best way to handle this. I think i am going to take your advice and put it the way you put it. I am tired of being hurt and I gave her every opportunity to repair what she has done. Now I am done and if she truly wants to be with me, she will fight to be with me. She will share her emotions and thoughts. She will build back my confidence and she will earn my love back. I am done just giving it away only for it to be stomped on. Thank you. 1
frozensprouts Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Frozen, Thank you. That to me sounds like the best way to handle this. I think i am going to take your advice and put it the way you put it. I am tired of being hurt and I gave her every opportunity to repair what she has done. Now I am done and if she truly wants to be with me, she will fight to be with me. She will share her emotions and thoughts. She will build back my confidence and she will earn my love back. I am done just giving it away only for it to be stomped on. Thank you. no problem...glad to help For what it's worth, we were able to reconcile ( it happened about three years ago) and we are very happy. You'll have to find what works for you...some people are able to reconcile, and some just can't. What ever decision you make will be what's right for YOU ... If you do reconcile, I would highly recommend counseling, and even if you don't reconcile, family counseling can help make the transition easier but right now, one step at a time...once she has left, you have some time to slow down and think things through clearly...hard to do when she's right there I'm so sorry you find yourself in this place...but no matter what, things will get better
Philosoraptor Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I never said holding onto anger is finding peace, but if you think nobody who has been cheated on isn't going to be pissed then you're sadly mistaken. Almost everyone who has a relationship ends is angry at some point. It's part of the grieving process. That is not a fact. Many betrayed spouses have moved on to find peace without having to say they forgive their cheating partner. Just because he says "I forgive her" doesn't mean he won't have any "negative emotions" anytime he thinks of her and what she's done. Forgiveness comes from inside. You needent verbalize it, but forgive the hurtful actions in your heart. Once you have truly forgiven inside those negative thoughts will not be at the forefront. Yet you were telling him how he needs to start "aiming for forgiveness." Those magic words will not change how he feels about his current situation. Yes, one needs to aim for forgiveness. The rate of speed matters not, but the fact that progress is made. We all have our ups and downs when hurt. Being angry because you were cheated on does not mean one is "sitting there and suffering." Besides, the man just found out. It's going to take a few years for him to get to a point where her cheating doesn't majorly bother him anymore. Telling him to get over it when he just found out doesn't solve anything. Allowing yourself to stew in your anger is sitting and suffering. I never said he was doing so, this is your vendetta. My response to him was "If you find yourself lingering in a negative emotion for too long you should do something else to occupy your mind. ". And yet you're already trying to convince him that feeling angry about being lied to and screwed over is negative. Your way of healing doesn't suit everyone. If he feels he wants to punch out OM's lights then he has an absolute right to feel that way, as long as he doesn't act on it. Again, this response was to your instigation. Please read what I wrote not whatever you're hurting about yourself. I specifically said to allow himself to feel his emotions but not to let them linger. I know not where your anger is coming from, but the path to fully healing ends with forgiveness in your heart. I hope whatever is hurting you is healed in time.
Author Lifespbag Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Thank you to everyone. I came here looking for some kind of hope before I go back to my scary place and shut down. You guys have provided it and I thank you all. I at least have an option and a little strength back. Thank you. 1
frozensprouts Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Thank you to everyone. I came here looking for some kind of hope before I go back to my scary place and shut down. You guys have provided it and I thank you all. I at least have an option and a little strength back. Thank you. You do have a whole lot of strength in you...you just need to find it. I remember feeling like I had been thrown into the rapids of a river, and i was just being swept along with no control over where I was going...I needed to find a rock to grab onto so I could get that control back...and that's what telling him to go did for me...I didn't do it because I was angry, I did it because I needed to be strong and do what was best If you start to feel guilty that you will be "breaking up your daughter's family" ( I felt that way too) don't. YOU didn't cheat, YOU didn't make the decisions that led to this. Your WIFE did, and that is not your fault. I don't know the state of your marriage before she cheated, but whatever was going on did not give her license to do what she did. that is on HER not you.
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