Can't make sense of this!

[Aofie]

My partner and I had been together for 3 years, engaged for 1 1/2 and had bought our first house together 5 months ago.

We were planning a wedding for summer 2012, there were uncertainties about his job, I am in my final year of a postgrad professional qualification and had to learn to drive. In my adolescence I had experienced a severe depression that led to me being heavily medicated. I had thought that I had dealt with this, but under the huge pressure of everything that we were doing the cracks again began to show, I had a huge crisis of confidence developing anxieties focused on how I looked, losing my driving licence and failing my course. I pushed him away and realize that I must of made him feel awful.

We had a row and he walked out, returning hours later to state that he loved me and wanted to be married to me.

The following week we had another row, he stated that he did not think we were compatible, he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. I stayed with a friend for a week, he spoke to his mum, went out etc. He contacted me by text to tell me that he does not think he can be in the relationship any longer, he wouldn't be doing it for him.

We have stayed in contact, we have met twice and had quite heavy discussions. He states that he thinks the relationship might be salvageable but that I need to work on myself and he needs to get his head together. (before he said this I went to the dr and am on meds and waiting for a therapy appointment). He says that he couldn't cope with the pressure of the relationship and felt like we were both playing at being grown ups. In a later text message he stated that I am more fun and silly when I am single.

We text every day and in a weeks time are going out for the day (his suggestion).

I am devastated, I love him so much and realize that my feeling so rubbish about myself has made him feel bad about himself. I should have got help months earlier, but was scared of medication and the implications on my course and future employability. I cant eat and cant concentrate on anything. I am trying to focus on myself (starting therapy, seeing friends, going to the salon etc) but this is so difficult, one minute I can feel hopeful that we could have a lovely journey together to a new and much better relationship, on the other I think it's done, I'm a plan b or he's just trying to let me down gently.

Would any of you be able to offer any insight?

Many Thanks

x

[Philosoraptor]

You need to talk to him and explain how you are feeling. Tell him your anxiety is acting up and you could really need his help right now. Explain everything that you've written here to him. He seems to have been there for you so explaining everything to him, and allowing him to ask questions, will help him understand you now and in the future when symptoms occur.

[Aofie]

Thanks Philosoraptor, he is aware of my situation and feels that the pressure has been too much, he has stated that i didn't care about the impact my mental health had on him enough to seek help. He knows now that I am seeking help and has offered his support and stated that he is proud of me for doing this. I feel like it can't be over, but wonder if I am just in denial?

[Philosoraptor]

Just give it time. He may need to see changes over a period of time to believe you will stick to them.

[Mary-Jane]

Looks like a case of cold feet because of further commitment plans, happens quite oftens. While this may be a shock, it doesn't mean the relationship will be over. Best if you take care of yourself, stay away from him for a few months (seriously, cut contact! it's not doing you any good, or go NC completely) and see how you both feel then. Good luck, don't worry too much yet, get busy with you life and getting better. If it feels like it's not over, good chance that it isn't. He may as well overcome his fears after time apart (can't say how long it might be, unfortunately)

[Aofie]

Thanks guys, I guess I knew the answers. Not sure about the NC stuff, it's not what I want and seems inherently manipulative to me. I love him, I don't want to manipulate him. If contact is painful or prevents me from sorting myself out I might consider it.