silvermercy Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I think you are showing yourself to be very selfish, very self-centered and not supportive at all IMO. Sorry to say that but that's how you come across... You know what I saw when you wrote his quote "if something happened" and the fact that he became distant in combination with his health problems? I don't want to alarm you but I saw a man preparing to die. Of course he would act distant.
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Also, the reason we didnt move into his house together is because his family lives out kind of in the middle of no where, and they cant get internet. And we both rely on it for school. I drive a freakin' v8 and he has a blazer so driving to and from places to get internet would be super expensive
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 But i just fear that not having me time really drove him away from ..me:( Do you realistically believe that there are perfect people in the world who always know how to behave, know what to say, know what to do in a conflict, don't make mistakes? Or do you believe that when you are in a healthy relationship with someone who is as strong as you are (because believe me, you are a very strong girl) then the two of you should be dealing with this together and not just you on your own? Also, that both of you should realise that the other person will screw up from time to time and it's just how it is? Can't the two of you just go for a walk sometimes to get out of your room? What about your boyfriend's family?
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Also, the reason we didnt move into his house together is because his family lives out kind of in the middle of no where, and they cant get internet. And we both rely on it for school. I drive a freakin' v8 and he has a blazer so driving to and from places to get internet would be super expensive Can't you spend the weekends there?
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 I think you are showing yourself to be very selfish, very self-centered and not supportive at all IMO. Sorry to say that but that's how you come across... You know what I saw when you wrote his quote "if something happened" and the fact that he became distant in combination with his health problems? I don't want to alarm you but I saw a man preparing to die. Of course he would act distant. i didnt even think of that. I know, its hard to be there for him right now when he pushes me away from anything i try to do. Like i said early, i tried to do whatever he wanted. if he wanted me to help with school, i would have. i was willing to give him half my paycheck just to help him get some of his debt cleared. I tried talking to him to try to ease his mind, nothing i did seemed to help him and i felt 100% powerless. I mean, i dont even know what all is causing his stress because he said he doesnt even know. How can i be there and support him if 1) i dont even know where it is all coming from and 2) when i try to support him/comfort him in the things i do know, he pushes me away? I'm not trying to be selfish at all, im just trying to do whatever i can to understand the person i love, not lose him out of my life and just figure out what exactly is going on.
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 I told him i would be happy spending time at his family's house, but i think one problem is the house is small, and the bed he has is a twin, so sleeping there would be really uncomfortable. At least thats what he said when we discussed staying at his house. The other problem is that his parents may not feel comfortable letting us sleep together, and i freak out sleeping by myself in a house that isnt my own...it really creeps me out lol.
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 i didnt even think of that. I know, its hard to be there for him right now when he pushes me away from anything i try to do. Like i said early, i tried to do whatever he wanted. if he wanted me to help with school, i would have. i was willing to give him half my paycheck just to help him get some of his debt cleared. I tried talking to him to try to ease his mind, nothing i did seemed to help him and i felt 100% powerless. I mean, i dont even know what all is causing his stress because he said he doesnt even know. How can i be there and support him if 1) i dont even know where it is all coming from and 2) when i try to support him/comfort him in the things i do know, he pushes me away? I'm not trying to be selfish at all, im just trying to do whatever i can to understand the person i love, not lose him out of my life and just figure out what exactly is going on. There are times when there isn't anything you can do and you have to accept that. It's part of maturing unfortunately that sometimes even doing your best isn't making any difference because the events are out of your control. I feel after reading all your messages that you put way too much burden on yourself, partly because obviously you are used to dealing with c**p from people (your family). You can't save people though! You can't save your mother and you can't save your boyfriend. I had to learn the hard way as well that people are sometimes their own worse enemies I'm sorry.
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 I understand i cant save people, and it sucks that i cant...but how can i save my relationship? Also, thanks Emilia, you've been really helpful and it does feel good having someone to talk to about all this.
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Also, about the quote my boyfriend said about losing me, was actually, "If anything happened between us, i dont want to lose you out of my life, i want us to still be friends". Not "if anything happens to me..."
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Also, about the quote my boyfriend said about losing me, was actually, "If anything happened between us, i dont want to lose you out of my life, i want us to still be friends". Not "if anything happens to me..." I think Silvermercy was a bit dramatic, don't get scared.
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I understand i cant save people, and it sucks that i cant...but how can i save my relationship? Also, thanks Emilia, you've been really helpful and it does feel good having someone to talk to about all this. You can't by yourself. Your boyfriend equally has to want to save it too. This is what I have been trying to say in a long-winded way.
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 True :-/. I hope things just get better soon.
silvermercy Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I think Silvermercy was a bit dramatic, don't get scared. I lost my dad to stomach cancer with symptoms like that for over a year. No doctor or test picked them up until the last moment when he started losing weight dramatically over a few weeks while also refusing to eat. Sorry for the alarm but it was very close to my situation to ignore.
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I lost my dad to stomach cancer with symptoms like that for over a year. No doctor picked them up until the last moment when he started losing weight dramatically over a few weeks while also refusing to eat. Sorry for the alarm but it was very close to my situation to ignore. I think from what has been described is that the guy has major anxiety issues, fear of public spaces etc and his health issues are a reaction to that rather than being purely physical.
silvermercy Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I think from what has been described is that the guy has major anxiety issues, fear of public spaces etc and his health issues are a reaction to that rather than being purely physical. It could also be IBS... Maybe he could consider alternative treatments like acupuncture if all conventional cures have not worked so far... Also, OP perhaps buy him some Flower Bach remedies for stress. I remember a friend of a friend putting a few drops in her boss' coffee secretly and calming him down considerably. LOL Before that, he would lock himself in the office and throw chairs against the wall! She told him afterwards of course, and then he couldn't live without them! I couldn't believe it when I heard that, but apparently it was true. lol
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Yeah, my boyfriend goes through phases where he dramatically loses a lot of weight, cant eat/feels nauseated and vomits, and it can occur randomly, even if there doesnt seem to be a lot of stress on the outside. and after awhile, he will get out of his funk, and even though he will still suffer from nausea, he will still be able to eat and he will pack the weight back on. Maybe i should have mentioned my boyfriend is a chronic marijuana smoker. He would smoke 5+ times a day, and he said he smoked so much to help with the nausea he was feeling, and whenever he tried to quit (hes trying to quit right now, hes down to about 2 times a day) is when his stomach would really start acting up. and now he said he has no appetite because he relied on marijuana so long to give him one and now that hes quitting, its not there
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Maybe i should have mentioned my boyfriend is a chronic marijuana smoker. He would smoke 5+ times a day, and he said he smoked so much to help with the nausea he was feeling, and whenever he tried to quit (hes trying to quit right now, hes down to about 2 times a day) is when his stomach would really start acting up. and now he said he has no appetite because he relied on marijuana so long to give him one and now that hes quitting, its not there I suspected there was something else too I hate to say this and I promise I'm going to shut up now but I really think you can do 1000 times better than this guy OP. With addiction in your family clearly present I think you should be more aware that you are also dating an addict. I think it would be very good for you if you broke out of this circle, somebody has to do that in your family. Don't you think? 1
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Yeah, but his addiction isnt as bad as my moms abusive addiction. I dont smoke with him or anything, and i feel like he only does it to relieve the nausea. He tells the doctors about it and they agree it is really good at relieving nausea but in the long run will actually CAUSE it. and its trying to get off of it but just keeps getting stuck because of the nausea. I dunno, its better than cigarettes...and drinking. Maybe im making excuses for him, but i see him actively trying to deal with it, going to doctors, getting medication to help him over come it, while ive watched my alcoholic aunt die...at the age of 50 to cancer, my grandma die from cancer, and now i watch my mom chain smoke/drink like a fish and she doesnt really seem to try to make an effort to change anything. I just see a difference between my mom and my boyfriend, but i encourage all your opinions and saying what you feel doesnt upset me or offend me
Professor X Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Yeah, but his addiction isnt as bad as my moms abusive addiction. It's like you were forced to chose the lesser of 2 evils. I agree with Emilia, you could do way better and I honestly don't see the point in all of this. Your RS sounds more of a burden than anything on you - maybe you have a deep need to help people which is why you choose to surround yourself with people who are sick and in need for constant care. Sadly, it comes at the price of your own happiness and health.
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 I mean, its a burden now. Its not a burden always. It was great and it brought me a lot of happiness. Its just the past few weeks that are terrible.
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I mean, its a burden now. Its not a burden always. It was great and it brought me a lot of happiness. Its just the past few weeks that are terrible. The best thing you can do is to sit it out and see what he wants I suppose, I can tell you want to fight this to the bitter end Stay on loveshack and keep updating us please.
Author Aveenolover Posted February 25, 2012 Author Posted February 25, 2012 Update: He came over tonight because we were supposed to go out with him and his friends, like a double date. He got here and still, kinda weird. We started talking and he said that he feels like he cant be happy with me until hes happy with himself. He thinks it would be best if we take a break (not see any other people) and just start dating again. He doesnt want the responsibilities of having a relationship and the stress that brings while trying to figure out whats wrong with his body. I guess ill try it. I have nothing to lose anyway since if i dont do that ill just lose him for sure and if i do, then i have a chance to have him in the long run but right now it will just be hard. Ill just do what i have to do to attempt to save this.
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