Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Hey guys. Ive been seeing my boyfriend for a little over a year. Everything was going very well except weve been arguing a little more than normal lately (past month and a half) but the arguments never lasted more than 24 hours and we'd make up again. Lately, however, ive noticed hes just been distancing himself. He has really bad anxiety that triggers awful nausea and hasnt been eating the past couple weeks. He has gone down from a thin 138 (hes 5'5) to 120 pounds. Hes been to the doctors a lot about this condition, and the only thing they could think of was its anxiety related and just got put on a antidepressant/antianxiety medication. He started taking it a little over 2 weeks ago. Two days ago i noticed he had been being extremely distant and i asked him what was wrong. He said its because his stomach feeling such like crap it really bothers him and makes him feel really frustrated. I asked why it does (since its triggered by stress) and he said he didnt know. I later asked if he was happy with me and everything and he said he has no idea about anything and he wants to figure his stomach problems out. He also decided we wouldnt live together right now and he would go back to living at his moms house and visiting me 3-4 times a week. He thinks that would help with our fighting. The next day he came over after work, and he said that he didnt want to lose me out of his life if anything ever happened ( i know, super red flag) and i got really upset and was like what? are you thinking about breaking up with me?? and he said no hes definitely not thinking about that and he hadnt even been contemplating it. Conversations later he mentioned how he doesnt even know if we'll be together 4 years from now, which upset me because i almost felt like he couldnt SEE himself with me 4 years from now and he said he didnt mean that--he just doesnt think that far into the future. .... and the last statement he made that made me cry was that he doesnt know if there could possibly be another girl out there thats better for him than i am for him. When i cried he tried to explain himself saying thats not what he meant. And he held me and everything. we fell asleep. Well, now, it seems like hes just getting worse. I told him i loved him today and he said it back so quietly i could only see his lips move but heard nothing. I asked him to repeat it because i couldnt hear and it said it again but still very quietly. I told him i wish he'd say it louder because i need that right now and he said he cant do anything, hes not himself. I told him then that i needed a little bit of reassurance because im feeling like he doesnt care about me anymore and he said he cant do that either, not until he figures his stomach stuff out. So, i just feel like im losing my boyfriend. We were super happy before he started taking the antidepressants and now its like over night he fell out of love with me. Could it be linked? or could he just really not care about me anymore? Or could his stomach problems really be blotting out any love he feels for me?
lospantalonsfancie Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Oh my god!! ME ME ME ME ME!! That's what you sound like! The guy clearly is having some serious health problems, and he might know more about them than he is telling you (possibly protecting you), and all you can do is think about how this affects YOU! Have you considered the possibility that your man is sick and can't deal with your nonsense as well as his failing health right now?
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I will get killed for saying this on this forum but I'm always sad when I see a mentally healthy person dating a mentally ill one. Don't you think you should look after yourself and find someone stable and healthy? With all seriousness. I'm not trying to be contraversial here.
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Oh my god!! ME ME ME ME ME!! That's what you sound like! The guy clearly is having some serious health problems, and he might know more about them than he is telling you (possibly protecting you), and all you can do is think about how this affects YOU! Have you considered the possibility that your man is sick and can't deal with your nonsense as well as his failing health right now? Don't be silly. It's completely normal to feel this way when someone is being pushed away. She isn't some frikken saint.
Professor X Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Could it be linked? Could be. or could he just really not care about me anymore? Could be. Or could his stomach problems really be blotting out any love he feels for me? Can't be. Not sure what you want us to say really. I think what he is going through is GIG syndrome (Grass is Greener), it's a phase almost everyone experiences, in which you feel like there's something better out there - and you think like that mostly because you haven't experienced much in life to know any better. If there's something you can do about it? Not really, because it's out of your control. There was a good thread explaining about it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome
Professor X Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Don't be silly. It's completely normal to feel this way when someone is being pushed away. She isn't some frikken saint. Emilia dear, he's a troll 1
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 I know, i do sound selfish. Its just that weve been dealing with this together for over a year and its normally not this bad. He'd get sick, i'd comfort him and id still FEEL and know that he loved me. This time, its just different. He brings up things that are hurtful (like the "i'd still want you in my life if something happened" thing). I didnt even probe or ask but when he started saying things like that, it just made me question it. He doesnt want any help from me, ive offered to do whatever he wants. he said school is stressing him out, i offered to even take over his online english class (he understands it all, isnt really learning anything from it but it is just time consuming with essays). But he didnt want that. I offered to help him out financially to reduce any stressful burden his debt could be causing him but he doesnt want that either. If i try to cuddle him or anything, he doesnt want that. I feel completely POWERLESS and i feel like im just being pushed away.
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I know, i do sound selfish. Its just that weve been dealing with this together for over a year and its normally not this bad. He'd get sick, i'd comfort him and id still FEEL and know that he loved me. This time, its just different. He brings up things that are hurtful (like the "i'd still want you in my life if something happened" thing). I didnt even probe or ask but when he started saying things like that, it just made me question it. He doesnt want any help from me, ive offered to do whatever he wants. he said school is stressing him out, i offered to even take over his online english class (he understands it all, isnt really learning anything from it but it is just time consuming with essays). But he didnt want that. I offered to help him out financially to reduce any stressful burden his debt could be causing him but he doesnt want that either. If i try to cuddle him or anything, he doesnt want that. I feel completely POWERLESS and i feel like im just being pushed away. Why are you mothering him? It sounds like he is trying to stand on his feet and you are getting in the way. It will be ironic if you give him all this support like you have done over the year only for him to get fed up with it.
Professor X Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 i feel like im just being pushed away. It's because you are being pushed away :\
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 What am i supposed to do, then? Just give him space? Wont he get upset that i'm not there for him? Or, i guess if hes pushing me away, its probably what he wants.
Professor X Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 What am i supposed to do, then? Just give him space? Wont he get upset that i'm not there for him? Or, i guess if hes pushing me away, its probably what he wants. You first need to accept the fact that it's NOT your fault. You are not to be blamed here. Have you read the thread I linked you? Go past the first post, read the other comments, see if you can relate.
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Yeah, i read it. Thanks:). I mean, i can some what relate. Except we're still together so i havent experienced the excuses and what he says. My last serious boyfriend of over 2 years broke up with me because of GIG, and it was terrible. After i moved on, bam! he was back. So that thread is definitely right on, lol. I dunno, i just hope this isnt that, and i hope its something that we can overcome. From talking to him, he said that he thinks we just need a little space (we are pretty much stuck in my room all day, every day because im still stuck at home along with like 5 other family members that are alcoholics so we avoid them by staying in my room...all day) and we work together. So, in a way i'm not upset about time apart. he said that he thinks it would be good to appreciate each other once again. It just...ugh. it sucks.
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 What am i supposed to do, then? Just give him space? Wont he get upset that i'm not there for him? Or, i guess if hes pushing me away, its probably what he wants. What about you? What are you getting out of this? Do you need a mutually supportive relationship or do you want to be a grown man's mother?
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 I want a mutually supportive relationship, of course, but i cant expect that from him right now. he had been giving it to me up until a couple of weeks ago. But now, i mean, hes not only distant but he is also really sick. So i cant just EXPECT him to be 100% mutually supportive. It would be nice if he threw me a bone, though, so i can just feel loved and to understand what is going on. i dont know, i dont feel like its the normal "my bf is distancing himself" just because with the severe anxiety and stomach issues being tossed in. I feel like that alone makes it more complex and its harder for me to understand, and no matter what i feel like its a lose-lose. I can give him space in order to try to make him desire me again, like he used to, while also risking not talking about our feelings and causing a border to be build, or i can try to open the door, be there for him, and request he be there for me to to help me understand and risk being needy and selfish for demanding emotional support when he clearly deserves it over me.
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 You don't think though that his behaviour is an indicator of the deeper issues he has? Where does his anxiety come from? Why is it that you have to pick up the pieces, walk on egghells around him in fear of upsetting the apple cart? What's his issue deep down?
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 I honestly dont know. Ive asked him. I asked him if his anxiety is caused by me and he said something along the lines of POSSIBLY but he is leaning more towards school/debts/and just his stomach always being nauseated even slightly and it upsets him he cant go 1 day feeling normal, which causes him even more anxiety. When i also questioned him about if he felt like i was doing anything to upset him and stuff and if he was mad/upset/frustrated, anything, with me, he said "no, its not you, its just me...its that my body is so messed up". He also said that another reason it could be is that hes insecure with himself. and i asked, because that could mean anything, and he said he didnt know. Whenever i asked him to elaborate, he would just respond with "i dont know. I dont know anything, i wish i did! Im not myself right now".
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 I mean, ever since ive known him he gets really bad nausea and will go through random bouts where its worse than normal and he will lose 15+ pounds. We just went to the doctor in December so he could get an upper GI to rule out any ulcers or anything of that nature. It came back all normal and even after prescribed this anxiety/depression medication, he still felt slight nausea and its been building, getting really bad, again. What hes going through is really, really bad because he cant go out and enjoy his life. He gets stressed out going to bars and stuff, so he doesnt do that and feels like this condition is holding him back from experiencing anything. I went to the bar with him onetime and he said he was excited because for the first time he didnt feel SUPER sick and was able to somewhat enjoy himself, and even his best friend told me he was jealous because he had been trying to get him to go out with him for awhile and he never could. The only difference this time is just those things he said and the fact that he seems to really be pushing me away. But thats why i wondered if its because hes really just so upset that he cant shake this problem, even after going to the doctors a million times, and is possibly pushing everyone out of his life because hes depressed?
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I'm not sure anyone will ever know why he is doing this since he refuses to respond properly. You think he would be grateful for your help over his anxiety and at least be honest about how he is feeling but it looks like he is not capable of that. I really don't understand what you are getting out of this to be perfectly honest. You are not his mother yet you seem to be acting like one - and maybe he is rebelling against that. However, he probably wouldn't be capable of having a relationship with a woman who expected him to be a better functioning man. It's ironic in a way. It's possible that he is feeling you are smothering him but then as I said he would struggle with women who were way less understanding than you (pretty much most women).
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Yeah. I mean, hes only been this bad this week, and before when he'd get really bad, it would only last a few weeks and he would still make me feel loved. Its not that hes been pushing me away our whole relationship.
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Understand. He sounds completely focused on himself. Obviously he is in a bad way and I don't know how your day to day life is usually. Isn't there any chance of the two of you moving out of your parents' house? Maybe to a house share with other people?
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 We were actually planning on that. We were supposed to move out mid march with his best friend, but then his friend lost his job. And my bf wasnt able to get all his medical bills/credit card paid off in time and didnt want to have all that debt, along with the cost of school ONTOP of paying rent. And at my house its extremely stressful, my mom just got out of the stress center for depression/alcoholism, my alcoholic uncle lives here, and my cousin who just got a DUI and isnt getting a job until he gets court stuff done lives here. Before my mom went to the stress center we fought like crazy,mostl ybecause she turned into a witch when she drank. and that causes a crapton of stress.
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Jeeez, you really are having a hard time. What about your boyfriend's family?
Professor X Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Oh wow, you're really having a lot on yourself, and ontop of that, your BF and his health issues. What a diamond! I hope you're BF sees that.
Author Aveenolover Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Thanks...he could just be so focused on the fact that we had been fighting more than usual the past month and a half. I havent been the best girlfriend, we dont agree on everything and i have the issue of when i get upset, i push people away. I feel awkward crying infront of people and truly despise it. And i think with all the people in the house and all the stress going on, including my own stress, the fact that i had no where to go/run or he have anywhere to go/run to cooloff and clear our heads, caused some problems. And that could also be linked to his stomach. I'm pretty understanding with stuff, but im not a gem lol. I do have a lot of emotional baggage that i deal with and it can make me seem like maybe im not loving or just emotionally...independent? When i'm clearly not lol. However, normally when we do fight, it doesnt last longer than about 12 hours. We'll sleep on it, then talk about it the next day. I know sleeping on it is TERRIBLE, but the other thing that sucks is we just cant cool off before we sleep. I tried leaving the room once, but my uncle was up in the front room, and when he finally went to bed, my cousin woke up. So like i said there is just no time for anyone to have "me time". But i just fear that not having me time really drove him away from ..me:(
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