USMCHokie Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I admit that I won't make any semblance of a move towards a girl unless I'm 100% sure she'd be accepting of my "condition" (), so it's almost always been the girl who showed blatant interest first. I struggle with wondering whether I've ever actually been genuinely interested in the girls I dated...I always just stayed because they were willing to date me and that was such a huge deal for me...and I think that alone was enough for me to at least act interested...I'd tell them that I liked them, but in the back of my mind, I really didn't know...I was just happy I had found someone, so I'm sure I would have said anything... None of women I've ever dated were particularly remarkable. I never introduced them to my friends (or even told my friends I was dating anyone... ), and pretty much kept them out of my world. They were good people, but when things ended, I was rather 'eh' about it and continued on with my life. I feel like I am the epitome of the saying, "beggars can't be choosers"... The problem now is that I feel like history may be repeating itself with the woman I'm currently seeing...I don't even know if my feelings will ever be genuine...how do you know if they are...?
Professor X Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I admit that I won't make any semblance of a move towards a girl unless I'm 100% sure she'd be accepting of my "condition" (), so it's almost always been the girl who showed blatant interest first. I struggle with wondering whether I've ever actually been genuinely interested in the girls I dated...I always just stayed because they were willing to date me and that was such a huge deal for me...and I think that alone was enough for me to at least act interested...I'd tell them that I liked them, but in the back of my mind, I really didn't know...I was just happy I had found someone, so I'm sure I would have said anything... None of women I've ever dated were particularly remarkable. I never introduced them to my friends (or even told my friends I was dating anyone... ), and pretty much kept them out of my world. They were good people, but when things ended, I was rather 'eh' about it and continued on with my life. I feel like I am the epitome of the saying, "beggars can't be choosers"... The problem now is that I feel like history may be repeating itself with the woman I'm currently seeing...I don't even know if my feelings will ever be genuine...how do you know if they are...? No one can tell you you're in love, you just know it. Through and through. Balls to bones.
xxoo Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 When your feelings are genuine, you'll want to introduce her to your friends. You'll want to shout it from the roof-tops. Love is a rush!
Author USMCHokie Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 You have never been in love? Only once, but that was with my first gf a few years back...and even then, when I look back at it, I don't know if it was genuine love or just the euphoria of finding a girl that would actually date me and falling in love with that... And I'm not even necessarily talking about going as far as love...just simple interest in a girl...even if it's just going on a second or third date...or sticking around after a month or two months...I act like I'm "crazy" about them and say all the right things to make them genuinely crazy about me...and eventually it becomes very one-sided when I realized what had happened...
zengirl Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 First of all, how you feel about someone when things end is not indicative of whether you ever had interested in them or not. You can be genuinely crazy about someone and still feel "eh" by the time it ends. Feelings don't have to LAST to be REAL. The two are not the same thing. Second of all, I don't know if not integrating the girls into your life is a 'feelings' issue or a 'fear' ('this isn't going to last so why bother') issue. So, I'd say, stop worrying about how long things will last, or who will be interested, and get rid of the fear, and then you will more easily know what feelings are real. It's the fear that's masking things.
Author USMCHokie Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 First of all, how you feel about someone when things end is not indicative of whether you ever had interested in them or not. You can be genuinely crazy about someone and still feel "eh" by the time it ends. Feelings don't have to LAST to be REAL. The two are not the same thing. Second of all, I don't know if not integrating the girls into your life is a 'feelings' issue or a 'fear' ('this isn't going to last so why bother') issue. So, I'd say, stop worrying about how long things will last, or who will be interested, and get rid of the fear, and then you will more easily know what feelings are real. It's the fear that's masking things. I don't know if I verbalized my issue as well as I could have in the original post... Simply put, I am interested in these women only because they are interested in me... How the heck do you fix this...?
jobaba Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I don't know if I verbalized my issue as well as I could have in the original post... Simply put, I am interested in these women only because they are interested in me... How the heck do you fix this...? Ummm ... that's a big one. I have been in your shoes, and most of the women I have had that uncontrollable, gaga, :love: feeling for have rejected me. How can you make them see the light and reciprocate? You can't. That's just the way life is. (I've had one girl I dated that I was really gaga for). So either learn to appreciate the women who are into you or expand and meet more that are into you so you can maybe find one, you're a little more into.
Krios Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Simply put, I am interested in these women only because they are interested in me... How the heck do you fix this...? By not leading them on in the first place. There were women that have had crushes on me, but whom I didn't feel attracted to. So I acted standoffish with them, kept a distance and kept interactions and talk strictly formal. I did that for their sake. It would have been possible to have "some fun" with them, however then I'd know in advance that I would have to break their heart and that wouldn't have been fair, hence I kept my distance. That way they didn't get hurt and I didn't waste their time. The latter is important too in my opinion, because their time is better spent looking for a partner that does feel attracted to them and does see a long term potential in them. Besides, I've noticed that I like to do the "picking" and the timing thereof myself, rather than "getting picked" at moments that I don't feel are opportune or appropriate. It seems to me like you really need to get over "your condition" or you're going to keep running into this issue.
FitChick Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Sounds like the "I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member" syndrome. You have low self-esteem so would only want to be with women who reject you thereby validating your low opinion of yourself. How did your wekend with the older woman turn out? Is there a thread on it somewhere that I missed?
Author USMCHokie Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Sounds like the "I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member" syndrome. You have low self-esteem so would only want to be with women who reject you thereby validating your low opinion of yourself. How did your wekend with the older woman turn out? Is there a thread on it somewhere that I missed? Hmmm...never thought of it that way...and yes, I do have low self esteem...so I relish rejection, or at least the thought of it...because that would mean I was right...hahah. And the weekend went amazingly great. No thread on it, but one might come... I'm flying her out here in 3 weeks to see her again...so she's the woman I'm currently seeing, and it has become sorta official in terms of a relationship...she's crazy about me...
Author USMCHokie Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Ummm ... that's a big one. I have been in your shoes, and most of the women I have had that uncontrollable, gaga, :love: feeling for have rejected me. How can you make them see the light and reciprocate? You can't. That's just the way life is. (I've had one girl I dated that I was really gaga for). So either learn to appreciate the women who are into you or expand and meet more that are into you so you can maybe find one, you're a little more into. I don't allow myself to have that gaga feeling with any girl...because I feel like she wouldn't accept dating me...self rejection of sorts...
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 You're just being too careful in they type of women you can date, you've got to raise the bar a bit. When you date women that are not necessarily compelling enough to really strike you with anything monumental then that works as sort of a safety net, a protection for insecurity...It's safer to date someone you know will like you and want to be with you than someone you feel has many options and/or is more intimidating. I think it's about dating out of your comfort zone. Pretend that a woman you find very attractive or appealing but doesn't feel necessarily greatly out of your league and give it the same effort and attitude you would to someone you're just indifferent about. Once you realize that you can date women that you actually are really interested in, you wont feel the need to take the easy way out with sub par girl. That will allow you automatically to feel the desire to give more, rather than trying to force yourself to, plus you won't be able to push them away as easily If you find yourself more interested. It makes a world of different dating someone you are not that interested versus you are very into and find very appealing/attractive. Confidence is gained through taking chances, overcoming obstacles and conquering them. They will be interested in you, you just have to have courage, that courage will turn into confidence when you succeed and realized it wasn't that difficult as you made it out to be. Understand yourself mentally...then force yourself, especially If you're unwilling to take a chance...leap of faith. 1
zengirl Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I don't know if I verbalized my issue as well as I could have in the original post... Simply put, I am interested in these women only because they are interested in me... How the heck do you fix this...? If you are certain you're only interested in them for that reason, then you KNOW you're not interested. So. . . knowing is easy. I don't know how you "fix" it. It's identified, so just don't go out with a girl if that's the only reason you like her. You're saying you've NEVER met a woman you're interested in for any other reason (whether she liked you or not)?
Star Gazer Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Well, once upon a time you said you really liked a woman before she ever expressed interest. That same woman ultimately rejected you, and you still had feelings for her even though she made no bones about the fact that she no longer felt the same way. So, I imagine THOSE feelings were genuine and were not conditioned on her liking you first. Compare that experience to this current woman. If she pulled a 180 on you, would you be upset? Would you reach out to her a year later trying to reconnect? If so, I'd say your feelings aren't premised on how she feels about you but rather how you actually feel about her on your own.
Author USMCHokie Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 I don't know how you "fix" it. It's identified, so just don't go out with a girl if that's the only reason you like her. You're saying you've NEVER met a woman you're interested in for any other reason (whether she liked you or not)? I've certainly met women I've been genuinely interested in, but I was either rejected or didn't make a move because I didn't get any blatant signals of interest on her part. In short, we never dated.
Author USMCHokie Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 You're just being too careful in they type of women you can date, you've got to raise the bar a bit. When you date women that are not necessarily compelling enough to really strike you with anything monumental then that works as sort of a safety net, a protection for insecurity...It's safer to date someone you know will like you and want to be with you than someone you feel has many options and/or is more intimidating. I absolutely agree with this, except the part about intimidation. Women don't intimidate me, per se. My defense mechanism for women I find "intimidatingly attractive" is to assume they have defective personalities, look down upon them, and go about my day. This way, I feel like I've gained by not approaching. I know this is not the right thing to do, but it's what I've programmed myself to do... I think it's about dating out of your comfort zone. Pretend that a woman you find very attractive or appealing but doesn't feel necessarily greatly out of your league and give it the same effort and attitude you would to someone you're just indifferent about. The problem is that I don't put any initial effort into anyone... Once you realize that you can date women that you actually are really interested in, you wont feel the need to take the easy way out with sub par girl. That will allow you automatically to feel the desire to give more, rather than trying to force yourself to, plus you won't be able to push them away as easily If you find yourself more interested. It makes a world of different dating someone you are not that interested versus you are very into and find very appealing/attractive. Confidence is gained through taking chances, overcoming obstacles and conquering them. They will be interested in you, you just have to have courage, that courage will turn into confidence when you succeed and realized it wasn't that difficult as you made it out to be. Understand yourself mentally...then force yourself, especially If you're unwilling to take a chance...leap of faith. Thanks for the post, it made a lot of sense...now I just need to put it into action...a task easier said than done for me...
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