djaya4u Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Hello. I am writing to get this community's perspective on my situation. I have been involved with a woman since May of 2011. We started out as friends, then we started hanging out a lot, and that led to a intimate and somewhat romantic relationship since August of 2011. I am in my late 30's and she is in her late 20's. Since the beginning of the relationship, I knew she was employed in the nightclub / promotional / dancing scene (not in the adult sector, strip-club or anything like this). As we moved on, I didn't feel like we were exclusive to one another, it was more or less just having fun and sharing each others great company. However, in the couple months I have heard words coming out of her mouth that indicate she has developed strong feelings for me, possibly falling in love with me. I too have grown strong feelings for her, however I feel that I am in the "like" stage. The pro's to the relationship are are there - I have a good time with her, we both like to travel, she treats me very very well and is a great and fun friend. Being in the industry she is in, she is very pretty and at times dresses really nice. She is incredible sweet, educated and free spirited - and I know she cares for me very much. Now here are my hang ups. There are times when I don't like the fact that she works in the industry she is in and dances at these venues - again NO nudity but more like a go-go dancer and sometimes as a belly dancer for certain events. Yes, it is sexy; however I would want some of those things kept in the relationship - not for all others to share. She obviously meets many friends (both male and female) and has been known to stay after her shifts to share drinks, etc. I guess here is where my insecurities play a role; I am NOT a clingy and overly jealous person, but I must be honest - I don't like this for the most part. My second hang up is lately, since we have been hanging out for a while, she has begun to not take care of herself during 'non business' hours. So, when she has to work, she dresses very nice. But when we hang out, even if its to go to a nice restaurant or shopping at the mall, she is very sloppy (no make up, hair undone, and clothes just thrown on? Now, I am NOT saying she has to be dressed up all the time as jeans and dressing down is awesome too, but I mean REALLY dressing down, sometimes looking somewhat disheveled? I really can't understand this, especially her being a young woman that knows style? On the contrary, I always take pride in how I look (for both mine and my partners sake). I make sure that I look and smell good no matter if I am going to dinner or to the grocery store (not 100% of the time but I try). I know this might come across as shallow, but I have a problem with it and there is no way around it. I know there is no way to address this directly without possibly offending her or sounding like a a**hole. The cross road I am at is hard - and I wish that I could outweigh the bad with the good. I am not sure I can. I know she loves what she does (referring to the industry she works in) and I would NEVER ask her or anyone for that matter to change that. Does anyone share a similar story or can anyone relate to my situation?
Frank13 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 My second hang up is lately, since we have been hanging out for a while, she has begun to not take care of herself during 'non business' hours. So, when she has to work, she dresses very nice. But when we hang out, even if its to go to a nice restaurant or shopping at the mall, she is very sloppy (no make up, hair undone, and clothes just thrown on? Now, I am NOT saying she has to be dressed up all the time as jeans and dressing down is awesome too, but I mean REALLY dressing down, sometimes looking somewhat disheveled? I really can't understand this, especially her being a young woman that knows style? On the contrary, I always take pride in how I look (for both mine and my partners sake). I make sure that I look and smell good no matter if I am going to dinner or to the grocery store (not 100% of the time but I try). I know this might come across as shallow, but I have a problem with it and there is no way around it. I know there is no way to address this directly without possibly offending her or sounding like a a**hole. You are not shallow. I have seen this with women before but usually it is after they get the guy, as in married. I think if you stay with her or express strong feelings for her, it will only get worse. Many years ago I used to work at a place and there was one pretty girl I was interested in and wanted to date. Before I asked her out, she met some guy and started dating him. It didn't take long before she came into work looking ugly. Didn't even bother to do anything with her hair. My thoughts were that she got the guy so stop bothering to look decent. I was glad I never asked her out. I also had an ex like this. Like you I took pride in how I looked for myself and for her but she didn't. She dressed up for work but once she got home she couldn't wait to look ugly. I finally addressed it directly on several occasions but I couldn't get it through her head. She would either ignore what I said or she would say she didn't believe me (that her looking good was important to me). In the end I got sick and tired of her thumbing her nose to something I felt was important to me in the relationship and left her. Let me direct you to a website. It talks about what is important to people in a relationship or marriage. It lists a number of needs and asks you to pick the two that are most important to you. For example, in a relationship the sex and being told you are loved might be the most important things for you, but for her, affection and conversation may be the two most important things. The idea is to let each other know what is important. It even gives an example of how things can get messed up unknowingly by not knowing what the other wants. It gives an example of being mad. When you are mad perhaps you like to be left alone, while your wife/gf likes to be comforted. So when your wife/gf is mad, you may assume she wants to be left alone and she ends up feeling like you don't care because you aren't comforting her. Then when you are mad she may assume you want to be comforted so she ends up annoying you. You both did what you thought the other one wanted, because it was you want, but it ended up being exactly the opposite of what the other person wanted and pushed them away. Anyway, the point I am making is that one of the things the website lists as being important to some people is [FONT=Arial, Helvetica][sIZE=3]Physical Attractiveness. [/sIZE][/FONT] Here is the link to the article The Most Important Emotional Needs I have thought about sending the link to the ex who didn't believe me when I said physical attractiveness was important to me but since she is an ex it is a moot point now. For me physical attractiveness and affection are the two most important things. To me, most people are average looking so physical attractiveness is one thing that sets people apart and makes me interested in wanting to be with them romantically. If that makes me shallow so be it.
Philosoraptor Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Simply stated, you're unhappy with the relationship. What is the 100% cause for a breakup? Unhappiness. Yes you end this because the longer you stay unhappy the more resentful you will become. End it in a peaceful and healthy way, wish her the best, and don't drag her along.
CC12 Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Yeah, it's kind of shallow, but if these things are important to you, then this isn't the relationship for you. On the contrary, I always take pride in how I look (for both mine and my partners sake). I would like to point out that even for the most meticulously dressed and groomed men, it is simply easier for a man to get ready to leave the house. There's just a lot more women have to do and it can honestly be really exhausting sometimes. Since appearance is so important in her profession, I can totally understand her relaxing during her time off. As an aside, I think it's kind of cool when pretty girls dress down. It shows they're confident and comfortable with themselves and aren't out to prove anything. But this does sound like it's a deal-breaker for you, and that's fine. Maybe it even proves that you might not like her all that much if you can't overlook these things. Do you think if you fell madly in love with the absolute perfect woman who made you insanely happy, you'd consider ending it if she dressed like **** sometimes and had a job you didn't like?
a_bit_lost Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Sounds like a similar kind of girl I was involved with... Although she never left the house without looking pristine that's the only difference. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/310393-she-did-again-here-we-go-again-merry-go-round-see-text Read this, if you fall in love with a party girl you're screwed mate, my values are that if you are with someone you want to be with you compromise on doing things for example I would expect that if she wanted a comfortable life with you she could consider dropping the dancing and all that cr*p personally. I had a chat with another girl the other day who did lap dancing when she was younger and photoshoots and all that cr*p, and she said that if she was with someone she WOULDN'T want do that kind of thing.. Dude, enter my mind to the hell i'm going through at the moment post 3rd breakup with a social girl like this. Dont get me wrong I dont expect a girl to stop seeing her friends etc and so on but if you're stomach is sick to the bone when shes out dancing and drinking with people in that crowd then youre setting yourself up for hell. I DJ at clubs, as a hobby, and I would have given it up for her if it made her uncomfortable. Also you say that you didnt feel exclusive - EXACTLY THE SAME FEELING I HAD...
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