Marriage seems to be heading towards divorce...

[Adams21]

I never thought I would be posting something like this on a forum...but I feel that my anonymous state can help me since I don't wanna drag our friends into this.

 

I'm not sure what is going on with my marriage. Sean and I have been married almost 2 years (we've been together a little over 4 total) and like every other relationship, things were great in the beginning. Basically things have been pretty rocky to say the least. Let me just say that I am 26 and he is 23. I'm sure our age difference has a lot to do with it, but when I met him, he seemed more mature than most guys closer to my age.

 

Long story short, we have trust issues. I made the mistake to kiss two different guys during a really bad time about a year ago, which ended up in a month long separation. During our time apart, I made an even bigger mistake by sleeping with one of my guy friends. I know what I did was wrong, since we were still legally married, but I was so torn (he was living with a friend, rings off and so on) I don't condone what I did and this isnt an excuse, but during that time, he was so distant mentally from me. I was so lonely and I didn't want physical anything from guys, I just missed the communication. I honestly didnt think we would get back together. To my surprise, we did. And I didn't tell him...right away.

 

Fast forward about 8 months. We moved into a different house in a city an hour away from our old place and friends. That seemed to help a lot and the trust seemed to be coming back. Well, a few months ago, the guilt ate me up to the point where I ended up telling him about my one night mistake. To my surprise, he wasn't yelling or threatening divorce....turns out he was being a bad boy behind my back. After I confessed, It made it easier for him to tell me for the past 2 months he was on a dating site. He was sending naked photos of himself to random women, and to make matters worse, one of them was my best friend. One night while he was asleep, my "best friend" sent a "cutesy" photo of herself. It wasn't nude but it was still inappropriate to send your friends husband a photo of yourself at midnight. I woke him up asking why she was sending him photos of herself, and he simply said "I don't know...thats weird" I confronted her the next day and she said she accidentally sent him the pic...yea ok.

 

Soooo after we confessed our sins to each other, I for sure thought the next day we would be looking up lawyers but we decided since we told each other the truth, we should try having a marriage with no lies and try to build the trust again.

 

Now its present day. We both are great when it comes to the opposite sex part, but now hes focusing his negative energy on me. I am unemployed but I do photography as often as I can. I search for jobs every day, I go on interviews and everything, but I live in an area where the unemployment rate is extremely high. My husband makes about $6,000 a month...more than enough for us to survive. Basically his whole reason for nagging me to get a "real job" is so he can spend more money on himself. He just bought a 4 wheeler, dirt bike, 50 inch flat screen tv, 75 gal aquarium and we eat out almost every night. Not to mention he doesn't see things as "ours" with him its MINE and YOURS and If I want to put gas in my car I should "get a job and get it myself" kinda thing.

 

The last and final dilemma is his drinking. He drinks all the time. At home, out at dinner. every night. He has to try every single beer that is on the shelf. Everything liquid he buys has to have alcohol in it...from tea, energy drinks, soda....I brought it up with him tonight and he got completely pissy with me....and ended up going to bed without saying a word. That spat is what lead me to this forum.

 

I really don't know what to do. I don't know what advice I'm wanting to hear. I don't even know why I'm typing all this. I guess I just want an online shoulder or something to vent too. I love him dearly, but he wont make an effort to chance, seek counseling or anything. If anyone is going through something similar, please share. I really appreciate those who made it to the end of this long story, and I do apologize for it being so long. But I don't know how to read his signs and frankly, I don't know how to read mine.

 

-A

[Steadfast]

There is nothing to read. Truth is, you would have dumped your cheater a long time ago if it wasn't for the money, and he's still cheating.

 

Based on what you've written, you need to divorce. There is no marriage. I say that because what you've both done is create a vicious circle; a never ending cycle of cheating/no trust/cheating that feeds off of both of your actions. Making matters worse is it's been justified and continues to be.

 

You both need to be single until you learn what true love is. Thank God there are no children involved, but it will be a messy divorce. No doubt you'll lawyer-up and he knows it. I promise you that's his biggest fear.

[pteromom]

I don't agree that it is necessarily over just because you've both made mistakes with cheating... as long as you both LEARNED from those mistakes.

 

But you aren't gonna be able to fix any issues in your marriage with him drinking all the time.

 

I think you need to stick to your guns regarding the drinking. Don't back off just because it makes him pissy. Tell him that his drinking is becoming a real problem and that you'd appreciate if he would go to counseling with you. If he refuses, that's his choice. In that case, find a local chapter of Al Anon and go yourself.

 

You can't control what he does, but you can certainly have boundaries for what YOU will accept. Such as - you will not engage in any argument/discussion with him if he's drinking/drunk. You will not have sex with him if he's drinking/drunk. Etc...

[Adams21]

I don't agree that it is necessarily over just because you've both made mistakes with cheating... as long as you both LEARNED from those mistakes.

 

But you aren't gonna be able to fix any issues in your marriage with him drinking all the time.

 

I think you need to stick to your guns regarding the drinking. Don't back off just because it makes him pissy. Tell him that his drinking is becoming a real problem and that you'd appreciate if he would go to counseling with you. If he refuses, that's his choice. In that case, find a local chapter of Al Anon and go yourself.

 

You can't control what he does, but you can certainly have boundaries for what YOU will accept. Such as - you will not engage in any argument/discussion with him if he's drinking/drunk. You will not have sex with him if he's drinking/drunk. Etc...

 

 

I really appreciate your response. This was the kind of answer I was hoping for. Thank you so much.

 

As for the person who thinks he is still cheating. I didn't go into detail, and I probably should have. He never met up with these girls, he only texted them. He sent penis photos to 3 total from what he told me, and received the same back. He had two of the girls under diff names in his phone including one under his sisters "house number" We sat down that night for hours and told eachother EVERYTHING. He also revealed he was smoking cigs behind my back (I have a huge issue with smokers cause Ive had family members die from lung cancer) He went to a strip club and was influenced to get his nipples pierced because one of the girls he was talking too had hers done. He claimed hes always wanted them done but admit 30% of his decision was because of this girl.

 

We both agreed that it felt so much better to finally get our weight off our shoulders and attempt to live an honest life. We deleted our facebooks, opposite sexes out of our phones who were not in relationships and moved an hour away from drama. It all has seemed to help but like I said the only thing hes being bad on is the drinking. Ive kept my end by not talking to guys, and obviously not cheating, which I know that sounds horrible but unfortunately I am human and mistakes happen. I can honestly say though, after going through that situation, I truly do know what I want out of my life and I really do want to make it work with my husband.

[Adams21]

I also wanted to update my conversation with him today. He told me we are ok, hes irritated with my "nagging" about his crown and coke during our movie last night (he buys a 6 pack or mini keg every night...tonight he was out and opted for the liquor) When I asked him why he drinks so much, he simply replied with "I don't know...I'm bored" I find that mind boggling since he has an atv and a dirt bike in the garage, video games, movies, bicycles and ME!

[pteromom]

As for the person who thinks he is still cheating. I didn't go into detail, and I probably should have. He never met up with these girls, he only texted them.

 

I would not necessarily just accept this as truth. I mean - give him a chance, but keep in mind that cheaters cheat and liars lie, so if he IS a cheater and a liar, he might be very good at both. Just keep your antennae up.

 

Ive kept my end by not talking to guys, and obviously not cheating, which I know that sounds horrible but unfortunately I am human and mistakes happen.

 

I'm not trying to blast you here, but cheating isn't part of being human. Having integrity isn't about loyalty and the other person. It's about you. I don't cheat on my husband, not because my husband is some kind of prize, but because I think cheating is wrong, and I don't want to do something that is wrong. Same reason I don't steal money from my employer, or hide stuff in my purse at the grocery store. I think you need to spend a little time examining what you were trying to gain by cheating, and why you were able to rationalize it. Why you NEEDED the attention of other men at that time to fill whole and happy. A lot of self-reflection is needed in this area, so you can learn to lean on yourself if you are going through something difficult, instead of relying on feelings you get from other people.

 

I can honestly say though, after going through that situation, I truly do know what I want out of my life and I really do want to make it work with my husband.

 

That's good. Now it is up to him to make that decision for himself too. And your job is to communicate exactly what you need from him in order for the marriage to grow and move forward....

[pteromom]

I also wanted to update my conversation with him today. He told me we are ok, hes irritated with my "nagging" about his crown and coke during our movie last night (he buys a 6 pack or mini keg every night...tonight he was out and opted for the liquor) When I asked him why he drinks so much, he simply replied with "I don't know...I'm bored" I find that mind boggling since he has an atv and a dirt bike in the garage, video games, movies, bicycles and ME!

 

You: "I was thinking about what we talked about earlier. You said you are drinking so much because you are bored. I just want to let you know how it affects me, and our marriage. When you are drunk, we argue more. When you are drunk, it is very hard for me to find you attractive, and I don't enjoy sex and touching. When you are drunk, I feel detached from you and that makes me sad. I just wanted to let you know how I am feeling."

 

Don't blame him or make any demands. Just share your feelings. See what his response is. If he is truly just drinking because he is bored, it should wake him up. If he has an addiction, he'll deny and become defensive.

 

You need to have a separate conversation about the me vs. ours money thing, because you are an equal partner in the marriage and everyone needs some money they can spend as they see fit with no accountability to their partner. You need to make a budget so that once expenses are paid, the leftover amount is split between you, him, and savings. Let him help you with it, and maybe he'll be more open to it...

[Adams21]

You: "I was thinking about what we talked about earlier. You said you are drinking so much because you are bored. I just want to let you know how it affects me, and our marriage. When you are drunk, we argue more. When you are drunk, it is very hard for me to find you attractive, and I don't enjoy sex and touching. When you are drunk, I feel detached from you and that makes me sad. I just wanted to let you know how I am feeling."

 

Don't blame him or make any demands. Just share your feelings. See what his response is. If he is truly just drinking because he is bored, it should wake him up. If he has an addiction, he'll deny and become defensive.

 

You need to have a separate conversation about the me vs. ours money thing, because you are an equal partner in the marriage and everyone needs some money they can spend as they see fit with no accountability to their partner. You need to make a budget so that once expenses are paid, the leftover amount is split between you, him, and savings. Let him help you with it, and maybe he'll be more open to it...

 

You have really good advice and I appreciate the responses. He comes from a family of alcoholics and even admit to me before he has a problem but he said it in a semi joking way and was also buzzed at the time so I'm not really sure.

 

About my cheating: Basically at that time it was about 7 months after our wedding. He was so distant and wouldn't talk to me. He was working all the time and going to school so we never saw eachother. I would try and talk about his day and/or mine and it was like talking to a wall. He wouldn't even touch me. That was also the start to my weight loss. I lost almost 50 lbs and it seemed like he still didn't notice me. Like I said, when I kissed those two guys, my intentions weren't sexual, I just wanted attention from SOMEONE. Guy or girl it didn't matter. I don't have a lot of girlfriends because I'm somewhat of a tom boy (I like cars, fishing and so on) and I've had bad experience with girls being attracted to my guy. I regret what I did to him and our vows, I honestly do. To this day it still kills me even though he as somewhat forgiven me.

[Adams21]

 

You need to have a separate conversation about the me vs. ours money thing, because you are an equal partner in the marriage and everyone needs some money they can spend as they see fit with no accountability to their partner. You need to make a budget so that once expenses are paid, the leftover amount is split between you, him, and savings. Let him help you with it, and maybe he'll be more open to it...

 

His whole view on the money, HE works hard so HE should be able to buy what HE wants. His other thing is HE wasn't put on this earth to take care of another person (me) which really hurts me. I also have this obsession with cleaning our house and making it look nice. I love going to discount close out stores and buying (inexpensive) decor for our home. Well one day at Ross, I saw a cute plaque for our kitchen and it was under $5. I asked him if we could get it for the empty spot above the stove and he flipped....he threw his arm across a rack of clothes, knocking something down, stomped out the store without saying a word and pulled our car in front of the store to wait for me. I was humiliated. Ive never met someone so selfish, cheap and greedy with money. Its not like I'm buying designer clothes and make up, I'm simply making our home more homey,Ya know?

[pteromom]

His other thing is HE wasn't put on this earth to take care of another person (me) which really hurts me.

 

It sounds like he has some major control issues. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. When you marry someone, you ARE signing up to take care of them when they need caring. This doesn't mean one person is always doing the work and the other is always tagging along. It's a back and forth. What if you were working and he lost his job? Would he expect to then have no money and have to beg you to spend $5? That's ridiculous. You should be able to spend $5 without him having a say at all.

 

But again, you can't control what he does. The question you have to ask yourself is if you think these issues can be solved with communication and negotiation, or if you think he has major flaws in the way he thinks, and staying with him will mean that you have a life of begging for $5 ahead of you...

 

Like I said, when I kissed those two guys, my intentions weren't sexual, I just wanted attention from SOMEONE.

 

That's my point. You were relying on others to be filled. Your DH wasn't stepping up, so you looked elsewhere. If he detaches again, what will stop you from making the same choice again?

 

I don't have a lot of girlfriends because I'm somewhat of a tom boy (I like cars, fishing and so on) and I've had bad experience with girls being attracted to my guy.

 

There ARE girls who like cars and fishing. You aren't the only one. So I think the real issue is the second part of your sentence. Sounds like you have either picked immature friends, or you have some irrational jealousy issues and saw things that weren't there. Only you know which... but there are plenty of women who will both respect your marriage AND enjoy going to a car show with you. Heck - go to a car show yourself, and meet some of them!