jus d'orange Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 This is classic incompatibility. I think that it can be a sign of incompatibility... I know my ex and I had a good number of fights the last 6 months we were together, which helped push her away. Now that I think of it, I don't really know what we fought so much about though (I can think of 1 or 2 things, but even then...). If it doesn't matter 6 months down the road all that much, why should it matter in the present moment? I'd actually grasped this concept and was trying to change it before the end of the relationship, and my ex knew I had, but being a bickerer and being argumentative are not necessarily signs of incompatibility, they're also difficult character traits. No matter who my next relationship is with, I intend to change this attribute with myself. Stand up where it truly matters, but learn that harmony between people (whether a romantic relationship or a friendship) and an ability to address issues without bickering is more important than winning the small battles. In the end, you may win the battles, but the loss of harmony is a victim of the overall war. Nobody wins. In other words, EternalSunshine, when you want to think about what you can learn (whose fault it is, I suppose)... you can recognize that this tendency to over-analyze, nitpick, and draw heavy lines in the sand as something you do. It's also something he did, but if you battle against this tendency in your other relationships, it will do you good. Hope that helps.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 You truly do NOT know that he hates you and that this break up is easy for him. I really doubt that it is. I have no idea whether you did anything wrong … well, that's not honest. Of course you did. Some of it you shared here, and anyway, it really takes two people to make or break a relationship in most cases. I believe that you really know, deep down, what part you played that was negative. You are probably reliving it in your mind often, even. Beyond all that, though, if you and he really are not compatible people, you are best to have broken up rather than getting your recent wish for marriage. Right? Your therapist only has the information that you give her. Here on LS I know that I've taken exception to you painting him as the "bad guy" (which I am not now, because if it helps you get over it to think about him as "bad" right now, I'm for it). Anyway, she only knows what you tell her. If you want to give the relationship with the therapist a chance, try talking to her about yourself and patterns that you recognize in your own life. I do think that therapy is difficult for a person like I perceive you to be, because you are very smart and you actually have lots of insight about yourself, your motives and your behavior but you don't want to acknowledge it much of the time. You'll be very much in charge of any therapeutic relationship you get into. That's the impression I get, anyway. 3
Mack05 Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 I think that it can be a sign of incompatibility... I know my ex and I had a good number of fights the last 6 months we were together, which helped push her away. Now that I think of it, I don't really know what we fought so much about though (I can think of 1 or 2 things, but even then...). If it doesn't matter 6 months down the road all that much, why should it matter in the present moment? I'd actually grasped this concept and was trying to change it before the end of the relationship, and my ex knew I had, but being a bickerer and being argumentative are not necessarily signs of incompatibility, they're also difficult character traits. No matter who my next relationship is with, I intend to change this attribute with myself. Stand up where it truly matters, but learn that harmony between people (whether a romantic relationship or a friendship) and an ability to address issues without bickering is more important than winning the small battles. In the end, you may win the battles, but the loss of harmony is a victim of the overall war. Nobody wins. In other words, EternalSunshine, when you want to think about what you can learn (whose fault it is, I suppose)... you can recognize that this tendency to over-analyze, nitpick, and draw heavy lines in the sand as something you do. It's also something he did, but if you battle against this tendency in your other relationships, it will do you good. Hope that helps. I cannot argue with a single word of this. In fact I wholeheartedly agree. A great post. The part in bold is something I need to do myself..When you can hardly remember many of the fights, it just goes to show how unimportant they actually were in the overall scheme of things..
Kamille Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 I am not sure if the therapist I started seeing is a good match for me. She tends to paint him as the bad guy and tells me that I did nothing wrong. While this is comforting, I don't quite feel that it's the truth. I will perhaps see few other options before committing to one therapist. Tell your therapist that you feel that she is painting him as the bad guy and that it makes you wonder if you're getting what you need out of the process. It could be that she isn't the right match for you, or it could be that she has a specific reason for prioritizing "comforting you". If the latter, you and she can both give input on what you feel you truly need. Once you have that answer, than you can decide whether or not she is the right therapist for you.
starryeyed12 Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Eternal Sunshine, Your breakup reminds me a bit of my own. Its the doubting of yourself that could potentially put you in harms way in the future. Though a normal part of the process, don't let it push you toward relapsing with this partner or staying unhappy for too long. You both said it yourselves: you both gave it 110%. That means you gave it all you had and then some. He couldn't see your effort, you couldn't see his, back and forth, round and round--doesn't matter. It still wasn't enough to create a happy and harmonious life together. And that's okay. You are not a bad person for your differences. You are not selfish or wrong or a bad gf. Yes, you should take it as a learning experience and try to improve yourself, but please recognize the difference between improving yourself and just being yourself. It sucks to be compatible with a man on so many levels, but just 1 or 2. Sometimes those damn 1 or 2 levels make all the difference.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 I felt a bit better today. I was hanging out at the pool by myself and a guy started chatting me up. He was extroverted and fun and we went for a few cocktails. He is a successful businessman there on a conference. We exhanged numbers. He lives in another country and I am not hugely interested. It showed me that I am still attractive and that I can have intelligent, fun and flowing conversation with someone other than my ex. It was just what I needed. There ARE other options out there.
vsmini Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I felt a bit better today. I was hanging out at the pool by myself and a guy started chatting me up. He was extroverted and fun and we went for a few cocktails. He is a successful businessman there on a conference. We exhanged numbers. He lives in another country and I am not hugely interested. It showed me that I am still attractive and that I can have intelligent, fun and flowing conversation with someone other than my ex. It was just what I needed. There ARE other options out there. @#%@$%&&(%!@$@!$!@ You still do NOT get it ES. I want to slap you (I don't actually, but you know what I mean.) Of course dating someone after a breakup gives one a little boost and it makes them feel good but the codependency is still there. THAT interaction showed you you were attractive and that you are able to carry good conversations? You need to come to those conclusions on your own and not just give yourself permission to feel that way after a guy has validated that. 1
threebyfate Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I am not sure if the therapist I started seeing is a good match for me. She tends to paint him as the bad guy and tells me that I did nothing wrong. While this is comforting, I don't quite feel that it's the truth. I will perhaps see few other options before committing to one therapist. I do think that you are right. We just weren't compatible long term. We had many superficial compatibilities but not where it really matters. Our conflict resolution was poor. We both over-analyzed and would just add oil to the fire and kept the conflicts escalating. He would pick apart every word I said and I did the same with him.Notice how negativity gives you comfort?
Kamila Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 This is a nice thread, I enjoyed reading some of the posts. Really learnt from them. I cringe at my own weakness. I need to stop this and just erase him from my life. I feel like a fool since he never once initiated contact since the BU. How can he just forget all he claims to have felt? How can he just cut it all off in a day and happily move on? I was very much in your ex's shoes. I also was polite in responding to his little texts, but after awhile, I stopped responding. Just like your ex. Now you say that he just forget you and that he happily moved on ? NO Staying in contact with you just makes it harder. He tried to stay in contact with you but it just hurt too much. I did it with my ex too. I know how it stings. The best way to heal was to go No Contact. At that moment your ex and I took care of our own, all alone. It doesn't mean that we're happy, it means that we're licking our wounds and hope that time will help us get over this trauma. Silent waters run deep this time. I would say, respect his wishes of not staying in contact with you. Let him heal, let yourself heal, learn from this experience and maybe in the far future you both could talk again.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 So, he has been seriously dating someone else. A mutual friend informed me. He is bringing his new gf to the party next sat. She told me that it's probably better for me if I don't come (I won't). The new girl is someone he met and at the same time he met me. He asked me out (not her) but has always regretted it as he really liked her. He actually told me this much during our relationship Seems like he reconnected with her the day after our relationship ended (possibly before). I knew there was a reason for his coldness and complete NC.
johan Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 @#%@$%&&(%!@$@!$!@ You still do NOT get it ES. I want to slap you (I don't actually, but you know what I mean.) Of course dating someone after a breakup gives one a little boost and it makes them feel good but the codependency is still there. THAT interaction showed you you were attractive and that you are able to carry good conversations? You need to come to those conclusions on your own and not just give yourself permission to feel that way after a guy has validated that. Seems like a lot to ask. One, that fresh out of a breakup, she would be feeling great about herself. And, two, that she wouldn't get a confidence boost from a positive interaction with a guy regardless. These things you are asking of ES are things you find easy to do yourself?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 I couldn't resist guys, I confronted him about it. He changed his story, lied, then lied again, then told me it's none of my business. Then he had the nerve to tell me that I should move forward and that "this conversation is not productive for either of us". He told me he needs to get back to work. I was angry. He did for the first time admit that he made MANY mistakes during our relationship, that it really wasn't my fault and that he is sorry. He told me that if we talk any longer, it will ruin the chance for a friendship down the line. He doesn't want me to hate him and he wants us to "reconnect in a few months and try to be friends". I told him "F-you and F-the friendship". This is how the conversation ended. At least I wasn't the one who just sabotaged an otherwise great relationship. I need to stop beating myself up over that.
betterdeal Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 You're a complicated woman, EternalSunshine, with a lot of passion, intelligence and energy. If only you could pour some of that into something more productive like helping out at an orphanage or something else helping people who need a hand, you'd make a real difference.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 I feel horrible that during that conversation, he actually told me something along the lines of : look, I know how hard it is when someone breaks your heart. A girl did it to me once and I couldn't get over it for a year. Everyone has someone that they can't get over, that one person they will always love. I told him: you serously think that you are that person for me??? WTF?? He actually thinks that now. I have officially lost all dignity. And the truth is, there were at least 3 other guys that I have had much stronger feelings for. He is seriously delusional!!! Ironically, the girl that he is dating is more overweight than I ever was. And she has a disgusting face ( I'm not just saying it to be mean, it's the truth). Good luck to her when he starts with the weight comments
betterdeal Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 I have officially lost all dignity. Because of what someone else thinks of you? Seems a pretty precarious base on which to build your dignity. 1
johan Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 I feel horrible that during that conversation, he actually told me something along the lines of : look, I know how hard it is when someone breaks your heart. A girl did it to me once and I couldn't get over it for a year. Everyone has someone that they can't get over, that one person they will always love. I'm sure you don't think it's funny at all, but it did kind of make me laugh that he coud be such an ass and say that. That takes a hell of an ego.
betterdeal Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 I'm sure you don't think it's funny at all, but it did kind of make me laugh that he coud be such an ass and say that. That takes a hell of an ego. Nah, it takes being faced with an angry ex who wishes to confront you about your private life after they have dumped you.
Ariadne Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Good luck to her when he starts with the weight comments And trying to get sex out of that guy. Well, at least you won't have to try and get back together now, at least that part is solved. Sorry about that ES, but I don't think you care so much about that guy but the fact that you were somewhat settled with what you wanted.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 Today was the last day on the holiday. I kind of moped around the apartment till 3pm and then decided to go down for a swim and a cocktail by the pool. My eyes were swollen from crying. A guy comes out of nowhere and starts chatting to me. He compliments me on my swimming and tells me that I look like I have been crying. So I tell him what happened with the ex etc and he bought me few drinks. He tells me that he owns a yacht and asks me to go for a day trip on the yacht the next day. Unfortunately, I can't because I am flying home in the morning. He tells me that he does "nothing" and is able to live just off his investments and have an incredible lifestyle. He lives in Netherlands so not much hope for dating. He told me which bar he will be at tonight and to come by. I decided not to. I am not into rich business types. Still, two guys during the short stay really boosted my confidence. I think losing 15lbs and dying my hair brown helps BTW my ex is an ass. This sorts out the friendship part. I don't want to speak to him ever again, in any way, shape or form. I have been corresponding with a really cute guy from OKC for a few weeks. We are going to meet up for a coffee next week. He is really smart, quirky and it seems like we have few things in common.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 I sincerely believe that how you handle your own indulgences in emotional binging during this period of recovery from your break up will be key to your potential for future happiness.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 So, he has been seriously dating someone else. A mutual friend informed me. He is bringing his new gf to the party next sat. She told me that it's probably better for me if I don't come (I won't). The new girl is someone he met and at the same time he met me. He asked me out (not her) but has always regretted it as he really liked her. He actually told me this much during our relationship Seems like he reconnected with her the day after our relationship ended (possibly before). I knew there was a reason for his coldness and complete NC. He's a jerk. All the more reason to just stop and not feed his ego, even if you want to contact him, DON'T. Don't ever give him that power over you and know what you are feeling inside. Post here everytime you want to text him.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 I couldn't resist guys, I confronted him about it. He changed his story, lied, then lied again, then told me it's none of my business. Then he had the nerve to tell me that I should move forward and that "this conversation is not productive for either of us". He told me he needs to get back to work. I was angry. He did for the first time admit that he made MANY mistakes during our relationship, that it really wasn't my fault and that he is sorry. He told me that if we talk any longer, it will ruin the chance for a friendship down the line. He doesn't want me to hate him and he wants us to "reconnect in a few months and try to be friends". I told him "F-you and F-the friendship". This is how the conversation ended. At least I wasn't the one who just sabotaged an otherwise great relationship. I need to stop beating myself up over that. Use that anger to help you get over him. And, don't EVER be his friend..HE is NO friend. Yuck! Yes, stop beating yourself up over this.. He's not worth it..No guy is worth putting yourself down over. Okay?
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