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I can't stop LC, somebody shoot me :(


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Posted

Nearly 3 weeks in, I seem to feel the urge to contact my ex every few days.

 

At first, he was quite mean about it and told me to stop, but now he seems to go with the flow. He will politely (but coldly) respond. He was my best friend and I still feel the urge to tell him about what's going on in my life. Whenever something happens, I want to let him know right away. I really have to fight with myself to suppress this urge.

 

I have been finding excuses to contact him...(along the lines of "what internet provider does your brother have? I am connecting my internet and remembered that he said they are really good"). He responds nicely but that's it, no real talk beyond that.

 

I cringe at my own weakness. I need to stop this and just erase him from my life. I feel like a fool since he never once initiated contact since the BU.

 

How can he just forget all he claims to have felt? How can he just cut it all off in a day and happily move on?

 

I am getting to know this cute guy from OKC and I still feel the urge to text the ex with most random questions. I am sure that the ex can see right through it and is getting an ego boost :(

 

P.S. deleting his number doesn't work since I know it by heart

Posted

He is being courteous till he cracks or when you give up. You're initiating contact and he is not?

 

I know what you mean by remembering the phone number by heart. Even now I remember my ex's number and we have LC. I think it took years to reach the type of friendship we have now.

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Posted
He is being courteous till he cracks or when you give up. You're initiating contact and he is not?

 

I know what you mean by remembering the phone number by heart. Even now I remember my ex's number and we have LC. I think it took years to reach the type of friendship we have now.

 

 

By cracks, you mean just tell me to f... off?

 

Yeah, I am the only one initiating contact. I guess that's a big clue to just..STOP.

Posted

Bang, bang! You're shot.

 

There are all sorts of things you could tell yourself to not even want to contact him.

 

For example, this is a man who coldly cut you out of his life upon the breakup. Why would you WANT to share your life and ongoings with such a person when he's demonstrated that he's not interested in hearing about it?

 

Another example, every time you contact him, you take a step back in your healing. The only way to heal, become whole, and happy again, is to maintain NO CONTACT.

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Posted

OK guys, I am going to do strict NC from today.

 

There are million of things he has done that make me think that I should have left the R earlier. And true - his brutal and cold cutting off is something that showed me a side of him that I haven't seen before. Even our mutual friends are stunned how he seems to have cut off all his "deep feelings" like that and doesn't even seem to show any remorse, regret or sadness. Apparently he went right back to single life and clubbing and is always going out and laughing with his friends. He even LIVES in the stupid place we had together and he still doesn't seem to be bothered by memories :sick:

 

It's time to let this go.

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Posted

BTW I have started seeing a therapist over this. She thinks that I am in a bad shape. That my self-esteem is at rock bottom because I internalized many of the nasty comments he made about my looks, weight etc. She likened it to emotional abuse and said that you can't really "provoke" emotional abuse. That it's a very strong personality trait that has to be present already. We are going to work on my issues but she thinks he will need years of therapy before he can have a healthy relationship with anyone.

Posted

For example, this is a man who coldly cut you out of his life upon the breakup. Why would you WANT to share your life and ongoings with such a person when he's demonstrated that he's not interested in hearing about it?

 

 

Though in all fairness SG, it was ES who basically dumped him. The ex bf is only doing what is standard recommended practice on LS for someone who has been dumped by going NC and not putting up with dragging out the pain.

Posted
Apparently he went right back to single life and clubbing and is always going out and laughing with his friends. He even LIVES in the stupid place we had together and he still doesn't seem to be bothered by memories :sick:

 

It's time to let this go.

 

Aren't you dating now? You even mention a guy from OKC in your OP. How is that really any different to your ex going out with his friends. Also seeing as he is doing NC with you (or trying too), how can you have any idea whatsoever about how he feels?

Posted
Though in all fairness SG, it was ES who basically dumped him. The ex bf is only doing what is standard recommended practice on LS for someone who has been dumped by going NC and not putting up with dragging out the pain.

Really?

 

She dumped him and yet she keeps trying to make contact?

 

No wonder he's cold.

Posted

I can totally relate to your heartache. i was in your position just a few weeks ago. However after a few harsh words an taking a good look in the mirror im finally moving on. Take it from me if your initiating contact then he has no need to. Your giving his ego a boost an he is loving it. He knows you are going to text him. why give him that satisfaction. If he wanted to contact you he would, he is a man after all. I hope you can find the strength to move on.

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Posted
I can totally relate to your heartache. i was in your position just a few weeks ago. However after a few harsh words an taking a good look in the mirror im finally moving on. Take it from me if your initiating contact then he has no need to. Your giving his ego a boost an he is loving it. He knows you are going to text him. why give him that satisfaction. If he wanted to contact you he would, he is a man after all. I hope you can find the strength to move on.

 

I feel like the whole relationship was a lie because of how easy he moved on.

 

But, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. It's over and it's the time to put it behind me.

 

I am amazed to have found so much kindness from my friends and family. Even though I barely saw them during the relationship (everything was always about him, his friends and family).

 

I am going to write about NC progress in this thread. It helps to have some accountability.

 

Day 1 NC. F... the loser :mad:

Posted
I feel like the whole relationship was a lie because of how easy he moved on.

 

How do you know that he has 'so easily moved on'?? :confused: He probably doesn't want to talk to you exactly because he's trying to heal. As Anne said, keeping NC and not engaging with an ex is pretty standard practice if you're trying to get over a relationship break.

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Posted
How do you know that he has 'so easily moved on'?? :confused: He probably doesn't want to talk to you exactly because he's trying to heal. As Anne said, keeping NC and not engaging with an ex is pretty standard practice if you're trying to get over a relationship break.

 

I guess I believe that strong human emotions are messy and not so easily controlled.

 

If someone sticks to strict NC, doesn't slip up even once - the simplest and most logical conclusion is that they don't feel those emotions. It makes much more sense than that they somehow have super-human control.

Posted

If someone sticks to strict NC, doesn't slip up even once - the simplest and most logical conclusion is that they don't feel those emotions. It makes much more sense than that they somehow have super-human control.

 

I thought you were an academic :p No, I don't really think that this is the simplest and most logical conclusion. Here's a variety of other responses that people do:

 

- find a couple of friends to vent to instead or call every time they feel the urge to contact an ex

- post on an internet forum

- turn the grief inwards and sink into depression

- drown their sorrows in alcohol

...and so on and so forth.

 

There are TONS of threads just here on LS about people who are managing to stick to NC but who are REALLY struggling emotionally. So I don't think your understanding of this quite matches up to reality.

 

I wish you well :)

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Posted

he may have moved on but he will never be able to forget you and the times you had together.

 

People handle emotions differently and im sure he is/was struggling just as much as you.

 

Can i ask you one thing though, would it be easier for you to move on if you had learned he was struggling to come to terms with the end of your relationship ?

Posted

ES I haven't read your threads but do you want him back now? If you broke up with him but you have now decided you want him back, tell him so, get the answer (yes or no) so you will know what is going on instead of guessing. The ball is in your court not his.

Posted

You are picking at an emotional wound and preventing yourself from healing.

 

I don't think you have ANY idea about whether it's been easy or difficult for him to move on. Many of us (including me) who have been strict about N/C with an ex did it for self preservation.

 

You broke up with him. I'm not saying you were wrong, and I don't think you were - but if he's a remotely together person, even a tiny bit, he would NEED to be taking care of himself in this way. He probably has BIG walls up where you are concerned.

 

It does not take away what you shared together, but it's reasonable that it might take quite a long time before he can feel the good parts about it.

 

And, you are already dating, so if we were going to apply your criteria to "easily moving on," it would appear from the outside that you are, too.

 

I hope you keep seeing your therapist and start feeling a lot better about yourself. It's normal to feel destroyed after a break up like this, but you really do tend to define yourself way too much by how others see you, I think.

Posted

Interesting stuff

Posted
She doesn't want him back. It just bugs the hell out of her that the ex that she dumped is evidently responding in a manner OTHER THAN crawling to her on his hands and knees and begging for her to come back to him.

 

She obviously has severe intimacy issues and if anything that's an understatement. What she's doing to this poor schmoe, by continuing to bother him after she broke up with him, is actually stalking him. He's being very nice to her by not calling the police. Probably the only reason he's giving her even cold replies is because he figures if he doesn't listen to her at all she will start actively stalking him in real life.

 

No, it just means they are very highly motivated, that's not a personality defect. A personality defect would be breaking up with someone and then perpetually bothering them when they've made it clear they don't want the contact any longer.

 

Can you think of anyone that fits this description?

 

While I somewhat agree with your viewpoint on this, your offensive tone to someone who is emotionally unstable and struggling with self-esteem does nothing to help the situation, and I'm sure you know this.

 

In fact, EternalSunshine has made it perfectly clear that she's been with a therapist who believes that she's been emotionally abused by her ex. She's got the intent of going on without him, maintaining NC, but is struggling to do so. Again, putting her down with heavy terms like "stalker" is totally unhelpful.

 

Instead, you should think of what you think of someone who uses anonymity on an internet forum for mutual support to label others in a negative manner.

 

EternalSunshine, I know it's tough when you have invested your self-image heavily in someone else to feel much for yourself when they are gone. Do your best to fill the emptiness in your life with new hobbies... things you may have always wanted to try and never did. Reaching new goals everyday with hobbies and fitness is a great way to rebuild self-esteem. Gradually, you'll feel like you're in control of your identity again.

  • Like 3
Posted
You're not supporting her, you're enabling her.

 

While Adam is being a little harsh. I do like his point about enabling and its relavance to this thread. This is something I have been guilty of doing for my past two relationships. Just in case people need an explanation of what enabling behaviour is -> Enabling Behavior

Posted
You're not supporting her, you're enabling her.

 

I disagree. There is not a thing enabling about telling somebody to cut contact and continue dealing with the harshness of being alone and having to deal with issues of self-esteem. It's not like anybody's advising something that's easy in the short run here. However, one certainly doesn't need to add to her difficulty via putting her down for the struggles when she's already endeavoring to step in the right direction. She needs to believe in the goodness of herself (without him) through self-improvement and positive growth, not further damage her self-image by internalizing labels such as "stalker."

Posted
She doesn't want him back. It just bugs the hell out of her that the ex that she dumped is evidently responding in a manner OTHER THAN crawling to her on his hands and knees and begging for her to come back to him.

 

She obviously has severe intimacy issues and if anything that's an understatement. What she's doing to this poor schmoe, by continuing to bother him after she broke up with him, is actually stalking him. He's being very nice to her by not calling the police. Probably the only reason he's giving her even cold replies is because he figures if he doesn't listen to her at all she will start actively stalking him in real life.

 

If the above is true then ES is being very selfish. If you no longer wanted him and broke up with him he is right to not respond to you. I would definitely say that he is pretty much over you if he hasn't asked you to take him back by now. He obviously knows you want him by your continuous contact and sorry but if he wanted you back he knows it would be easy. Why did you break up and now want him back if you feel he was abusive? Sometimes two people together can bring out the worst in each other. Maybe he has accepted this fact and feels relieved it is over. I think you should continue with your therapy but if you are not in love with your current bf you should let him go too. It's just not fair to string him along and you will end up paying for that debt as well in the end.

Posted

Dude, it's NOT stalking. You're minimizing the reality stalking by labeling her few phone calls that way. He hasn't told her to lay off, so she can carry on as long as she wants to without being a scofflaw, regardless of what you or anybody else thinks of it.

Posted
You're enabling her by being supportive, making excuses for, and rationalizing of her unacceptable behavior--that is she repeatedly calls an ex whom she knows does not want her calls any longer. It really doesn't matter who broke up with whom, does it? She's calling because she wants that contact, even though he obviously doesn't.

 

Feel sorry for ES all you want, but if you fail to hold her 100% responsible for her own behavior, you're enabling it.

 

She's compulsively calling an ex, who doesn't want her contact, when her own therapist said the ex was abusive to her. Do you think the therapist told her she should keep calling her abusive ex? I don't. Compulsively contacting an ex who does not want that contact is stalking. If he actually was abusive, then that might be a motivation for the stalking, but it's still stalking.

 

I think you've misunderstood or misread what I was saying. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. I think she should absolutely not contact her ex at all. 100% no contact. Because it is wrong for her healing process, and because, if he was abusive, he will continue to harm her. I'm just saying that, whilst reinforcing the importance of not contacting (again, to make it clear, I am saying that she should NOT contact her ex), it is important not to damage the self-esteem of somebody who already has issues of self-esteem via unnecessary harshness and labeling. If you weren't aware, people who have low self-esteem can take harsh criticism VERY badly. It is important to address them with respect, even when giving them criticism, because then they feel worthy of respect themselves.

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Posted

WTF stalking?????

 

For the record, I never even called him. I just initiate texts which he has a choice not to respond to. All texts exchanged are 1-1. His responses are polite-cold but still...I think it's very very far from stalking.

 

I have some stuff at his place still, but I'm choosing not to see him/pick it up for now. I also initiated all the arrengamets to cancel our trip to Europe that we have already paid for. I am not even going out to the places that I used to go to before I met him because I know that he frequents them and don't want to make things awkward.

 

I'm now terrified that he sees my texts as stalking :( The thought hasn't even occurred to me until now.

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