Ranchero44 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Do any other older ladies out there find the term "cougar" offensive???? In my mind, it conjures up the exact societal stereotype most of us older women are fighting so hard against. I don't know why, but the term has always made me bristle. It makes me think of the older woman character in the Tom Cruise movie "Cocktail"--the one that Tom Cruise seduces and then ends up getting dominated and controlled by for a while. Stereotypes about single older women that drive me crazy: 1) We are sexually voracious, insatiable predators--like Black Widow spiders who ensnare our prey and feed on hapless young boy toys. 2) We are desperate and obsessive pursuers, like Alex Forrest in "Fatal Attraction." 3) If we date younger men, we are out to control, dominate, and manipulate them. I think the term "cougar" can't help but imply a ruthless hunter. Not to revive a tiresome cliche, but would older men who date younger women ever be seen this way? I'm open to debate on this. I am open to the fact that some women proudly consider themselves cougars and would love to hear what both men and women think.
gaius Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I always saw it as just a generic term referring to a woman who is dating or dates younger men, not a comment on their sexual attitudes per se. Perhaps the somewhat hostile attitude society in general has towards older woman who date younger men has tainted the word cougar for you, kind of like how midgets are trying to get rid of the word midget. I have noticed you aren't the only woman who bristles at the term.
Author Ranchero44 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 . I have noticed you aren't the only woman who bristles at the term. Glad to hear I'm not the only one!
D-Lish Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Yes, I find the term "Cougar" offensive precisely because of the reasons you brought up. I'm 42. I look after myself, I pass for mid 30's all the time... I don't chase after younger men, but I routinely date men 5-6 years younger than myself. I once had a guy on a dating site send me a message- he was 39, and he referred to me as an "older woman" and said he liked cougars- wanted to know if I was interested in dating a "younger man". That was a WTF moment for me as at 39, he looked like he was old enough to be my father and I was only a couple of years older than he was at the time. Men don't get a designation as they age (well, unless you count my friends that call older men chasing young women "Manthers"). It's just taking the "P" out of panther to come up with a designation to rival Cougar. 1
kaylan Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 (edited) To be honest... I would have no problem if those 3 points you laid out applied to an older woman who wanted me as her play thing. Id find it pretty hot actually. I kind wanna play around with some 35 to 45 year olds this year. I just have no idea how to go about doing that though lol. But in general, when I or anyone else Ive known has used the term cougar, it only meant the woman was significantly older than the guy. It had nothing to do with her personality. EDIT: P.S. - I would totally go for D-Lish if she happened to like chocolate....just sayin... Men don't get a designation as they age (well, unless you count my friends that call older men chasing young women "Manthers"). It's just taking the "P" out of panther to come up with a designation to rival Cougar. Dudes usually get labeled creepers or creepy old men. They dont get a cool feline name. Although Manthers is quite clever. Edited February 24, 2012 by kaylan
Author Ranchero44 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 I once had a guy on a dating site send me a message- he was 39, and he referred to me as an "older woman" and said he liked cougars- wanted to know if I was interested in dating a "younger man". That's just bizarre! To be honest... I would have no problem if those 3 points you laid out applied to an older woman who wanted me as her play thing. Id find it pretty hot actually. I kind wanna play around with some 35 to 45 year olds this year. I just have no idea how to go about doing that though lol. Interesting . . . you know, what you said actually makes me think of another point, which is this: Let's say the older woman DOESN'T want a plaything. What if she wants an actual relationship--maybe even one leading to a long-term commitment or marriage? I can see how it would be totally hot if both parties just wanted a sexually charged relationship, but what happens when the "cougar" wants all the trappings of a real relationship? Then we get all into the Demi/Ashton, Mariah/Nick paradigm, and what do people think of that? Can/does it work?
FitChick Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 What picture do you get in your mind of a spinster? I'd rather be called a cougar. Men are called pigs, dogs, and wolves. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." 1
Author Ranchero44 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 What picture do you get in your mind of a spinster? I'd rather be called a cougar. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Point taken. I wish it didn't have to be an either/or proposition! Neither one is very flattering, IMO. But we are a society that loves to label, in any case. Nope, nobody gets by in this world without a label.
kaylan Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 (edited) Interesting . . . you know, what you said actually makes me think of another point, which is this: Let's say the older woman DOESN'T want a plaything. What if she wants an actual relationship--maybe even one leading to a long-term commitment or marriage? I can see how it would be totally hot if both parties just wanted a sexually charged relationship, but what happens when the "cougar" wants all the trappings of a real relationship? Then we get all into the Demi/Ashton, Mariah/Nick paradigm, and what do people think of that? Can/does it work? Well lets be realistic. If we were both looking for an LTR or marriage, chances are we wouldnt be much interested in one another. A 35 to 45 year old woman and I are in totally different points in our lives, so there wouldnt be much compatibility there. Plus I want the option of having kids if Im dating someone long term. Even if I start dating a gal whos 35, id want to date a few years before getting married. Then be married a year before kids. So shed be 38/39 by the time I felt the relationship was stable enough for kids. So it wouldnt really work. Im 25 btw. In most cases people end up marrying folks around their age because having similarities in maturity in life experience are important. Edited February 24, 2012 by kaylan
Author Ranchero44 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Well lets be realistic. If we were both looking for an LTR or marriage, chances are we wouldnt be much interested in one another. A 35 to 45 year old woman and I are in totally different points in our lives, so there wouldnt be much compatibility there. Plus I want the option of having kids if Im dating someone long term. Even if I start dating a gal whos 35, id want to date a few years before getting married. Then be married a year before kids. So shed be 38/39 by the time I felt the relationship was stable enough for kids. So it wouldnt really work. Im 25 btw. In most cases people end up marrying folks around their age because having similarities in maturity in life experience are important. Yes, you raise an excellent point--kids. I am in my late 30s and I do not want children. I have come to the realization that this virtually eliminates guys in the late 20s to early 30s age range. Most of them, quite rightly, are going to want children at some point.
gaius Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Interesting . . . you know, what you said actually makes me think of another point, which is this: Let's say the older woman DOESN'T want a plaything. What if she wants an actual relationship--maybe even one leading to a long-term commitment or marriage? I can see how it would be totally hot if both parties just wanted a sexually charged relationship, but what happens when the "cougar" wants all the trappings of a real relationship? Then we get all into the Demi/Ashton, Mariah/Nick paradigm, and what do people think of that? Can/does it work? Sure, they are treated pretty poorly though. I remember all the nasty headlines when Demi overdosed, about how her boytoy leaving drove her over the edge. I think it can work if you're able to put up with all the nonsense people throw at you. Plenty of guys in their 20s/30s aren't looking for kids nowadays either, so don't give up if that's what you really want.
somedude81 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 If you are going after guys that are the same age or younger than your kids, you're a cougar. 1
Author Ranchero44 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 If you are going after guys that are the same age or younger than your kids, you're a cougar. Like I said earlier, I'm in my late 30s, and I don't think I could date younger than a guy in his late-late 20s, like 28 or older. Anything below that just kind of creeps me out. That's not to judge others who beg to differ or have experienced otherwise; I just feel weird about it personally.
Cee Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Yeah, I find the term cougar offensive. But I've never been called that term to my face so I guess I shouldn't care. I think it's stupid to stereotype people by age. I get mad when people (usually women) say they'd never date someone younger than them as if youth is a disease. But whatever. I was able to couple up with a younger man. The age difference is large, but he's never called me a cougar and I never made some patronizing comment about him being younger. He had a woman friend reject him on the basis of his age (or so she said). I should send her a thank you bouquet of roses. Her narrow-mind attitude is her loss and my gain. 1
somedude81 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Like I said earlier, I'm in my late 30s, and I don't think I could date younger than a guy in his late-late 20s, like 28 or older. Anything below that just kind of creeps me out. That's not to judge others who beg to differ or have experienced otherwise; I just feel weird about it personally. Then you're not a cougar. IMO, a 20 year age gap is the cut off.
Cee Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Then you're not a cougar. IMO, a 20 year age gap is the cut off. I guess I made the cut. My boyfriend is 17 years younger. And I don't have any children (and never will) so I don't have to worry about offending my kids. I can't help but be snarky, but I'm disappointed by the judgement and lack of respect. This is a relationship board full of people searching for love. But I'm hurt to hear that some love is acceptable while other love is labelled as inferior. I am happy for my friends dating people their age and they are ecstatic that I finally have a boyfriend after many years of being single.
FitChick Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 There are lots of famous women married to younger men and loads more we will never hear of. These are just some of them.
Author Ranchero44 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 I guess I made the cut. My boyfriend is 17 years younger. And I don't have any children (and never will) so I don't have to worry about offending my kids. I can't help but be snarky, but I'm disappointed by the judgement and lack of respect. This is a relationship board full of people searching for love. But I'm hurt to hear that some love is acceptable while other love is labelled as inferior. I am happy for my friends dating people their age and they are ecstatic that I finally have a boyfriend after many years of being single. I can see how I might have come off as judging older woman/younger man relationships, and I apologize for that. I was mostly railing against some of the stereotypes older women put up with. I think it's fantastic that you found love, and you are right--the age difference should not matter. Although I tend to see 10 years my junior as the cutoff, if my "soul mate" showed up and he was younger, I wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, for sure.
Author Ranchero44 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 There are lots of famous women married to younger men and loads more we will never hear of. These are just some of them. That was really interesting! Was not aware of many of those pairings. Thanks for sharing!
mesmerized Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 in about 25% of marriages nowadays women are older than the men. It's not as huge of a deal that some people make it. This will be more and more common, specially with women delaying having relationships/marriage.
samsamie Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Do any other older ladies out there find the term "cougar" offensive???? In my mind, it conjures up the exact societal stereotype most of us older women are fighting so hard against. I don't know why, but the term has always made me bristle. It makes me think of the older woman character in the Tom Cruise movie "Cocktail"--the one that Tom Cruise seduces and then ends up getting dominated and controlled by for a while. Stereotypes about single older women that drive me crazy: 1) We are sexually voracious, insatiable predators--like Black Widow spiders who ensnare our prey and feed on hapless young boy toys. 2) We are desperate and obsessive pursuers, like Alex Forrest in "Fatal Attraction." 3) If we date younger men, we are out to control, dominate, and manipulate them. I think the term "cougar" can't help but imply a ruthless hunter. Not to revive a tiresome cliche, but would older men who date younger women ever be seen this way? I'm open to debate on this. I am open to the fact that some women proudly consider themselves cougars and would love to hear what both men and women think. ................................................................................................... cougar is when an older woman finds love to a younger of it's opposite sex. well i guess it is not bad at all, just socially unacceptable, especially to those judgmental folks. :]
USMCHokie Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I have a shotglass that says "Cougar Bait"...
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I don't find the term offensive but then no-one has ever called me that to my face. One of my much younger exes called me a cradle snatcher but that was in jest and it made me smile because I know he was enjoying the experience I think when it comes to relationships you have to take your similarities and your differences into account and your age is just one item on the list. It is something that needs to be acknowledged. My ex got offended when I referred to his age, even though it was more to do with envy on my part than anything else but I think not acknowledging the differences in maturity levels (not necessarily age related but often is) doesn't make it go away.
silvermercy Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I find the term offensive, too for the same reasons (and I'm 29). It perpetuates stereotypes that older women only want sex from younger men. It doesn't matter if some younger men want to date a... "cougar". That's irrelevant. On the other hand, men can still have relationships with younger women (and they supposedly don't do it just for sex). Yes, there is the term "old creepy man" but I don't think it's the same. It's not a label, at least not a very wide one: You can still see really old men married to young women and nobody bats an eyelid. If someone puts a label, it will be on the woman again: she will be called a "gold-digger".
Titania22 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Well I for one have never gone out with anyone the same age as my kids, or with a 20+ yr age gap, so I guess I am safe and not a cougar. Yay! :bunny:
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