Need some perspective...exit affair?

[JustShocked]

My wife of nine years left me about 9 months ago. We had some financial problems, some unresolved mental health issues, jealousy issues, but overall I thought it was the normal marriage stuff knowing what my friends and co-workers go through with their marriages.

 

When she left it was a total shock because the month before, she wrote me the most beautiful anniversary card. She was so appreciative of all my sacrifices as a husband and she said she couldn't wait to see what the next 9 years would bring.

 

At that point we were on a financial comeback, and we were starting to be able to afford mental care. I was very optimistic, it was a total shock when she left. When she first left she left a note on the computer saying she would be back. I believed her because she had stayed with family the summer before and came back. She said the relationship was just too stressful at the time.

 

In the note she left she said it wasn't anything permanent and that she was just burnt out after dealing with so much stress for so long. We would still talk on the phone for about a month or so, then she said that our calls gave her too much anxiety. Then a month later she was angry and said that the marriage was over because she wanted to feel free.

 

I was devastated and angry. She refused any type of counseling or reconciliation. She said she was done. It didn't make sense and I thought for sure there was some infidelity going on. She denied and I basically believed her. Because of her OCD she was deathly afraid of sex and getting pregnant. We hardly ever had intercourse. The thought of her out having sex seemed impossible.

 

It took her 6 months to file for the divorce. I kept my heart in the game thinking I had a chance, especially since it was all about misunderstandings from my point of view. Apparently she waited so long because she moved to another state and had to wait 6 months to be a resident. I was totally suckered.

 

The divorce was pretty tame. I was very happy, it was fair, I got joint custody, no court or lawyers, and pretty much signed away since I knew it wasn't going to turn around. I was still puzzled and actually quite angry that we couldn't have a second chance, though.

 

Well, fast forward to today. I just found out from my wife's brother that there was more to the divorce than she was leading on to. Apparently for the first two months that she left me, she was very hurt and was waffling back and forth about getting back together.

 

Then in July, the same time she told me it was over, she had started drinking heavily. This was very unpredicted because she never drank alcohol in her life. Come to find out, she has spent the last 7 months living like a horny 17 year old. She was always out, leaving my kids to her brother to watch all the time.

 

After the third time she had come home so ****faced that she didn't know where she was, they kicked her out. She had been having sex, even though we aren't technically still divorced. When the kids were with me for visitations at Thanksgiving and Christmas, she would be gone with friends for and nearby sister for 10 days at a time.

 

I confronted her with this news and she vehemently denies any of it. I felt like I could confront her with her brother that kicked her out as my source. The divorce and breakdown all made sense once he came forward. She told me to never contact her again except through third-parties. She was very pissed.

 

I am not sure what to think about all this.

 

I don't think she left with the intention to go off the deep end and start any affairs. She has denied any affairs these entire 9 months. I always had suspicions of them though, especially since she admitted to an EA in 2007, which she denies now.

 

I had undiagnosed ADHD and made life very hectic for her. I tended to believe her when she just said our relationship was too stressful. I am thinking the drinking is self-medication and the "exit affair" just kind of landed in her lap because she decided to get drunk so much?

 

It hurts to think about her being with other guys. Penetration was always hurtful for her because she had anxiety issues over sex. It is crazy for me to think that she is probably enjoying it now because the alcohol takes away her inhibitions. I keep seeing her performing different acts and positions with random dudes that she could never do when we were married, and it makes me jealous. Giving or receiving oral sex for example, it never happened in our marriage, she couldn't handle it, but probably does it now.

 

My sister in law that she was leaving with wonders if when she gets these wiggles out of her system if she will be back to wanting our relationship again. I am in a new job making a ton more money than when she left and I have my ADHD under control.

 

My wife NEVER had any experimenting when she was younger, and I am sure it is just a fad. But, you never know. She was very nasty and mean to me when she denied the drinking and the sex. She said that I had drained her of everything she was as a person and that she feels like a human being again now that she is away. She wasn't like this when she actually left, and it seems like it is just justification for her bad choices right now.

 

I don't define my wife by what she is doing right now. I have had 9 months to accept the divorce. She also said she doesn't love me anymore while denying the infidelity. I am not stupid and always knew something was going on unsaid so it wasn't a total surprise. I am also not stupid enough to leave the front door of my heart open.

 

What about a back door though? I just have this feeling that she will crash and want my help. It has happened with her anxiety in the past. I just don't know what to do, I don't want be a sucker anymore either.

 

What do you think?

[2sunny]

I think it's best to stay out of it all - since that is what she asked for - and remember - she's no longer your wife.

 

Moving forward is best... That includes NOT thinking about what HER sex life may or may not be.

 

She's gonna do what she wants... She's a big girl - she knows how to ask someone close to her NOW for help if she needs it.

[Spark1111]

Drunken One Night Stands are NOT exit affairs.

 

Your wife is spiraling on her own anxiety issues and perhaps, blaming you and your ADHD for it?

 

Did she ever talk to you about seeking help for your issues earlier in the marriage? Did she tell you that the chaos caused by your condition was a deal-breaker for her? Was she afraid because she felt unsafe by your actions? Did she communicate those fears to you?

 

Did you listen to her, if she did?

 

You seem to be stronger and trying very hard to manage your condition, your finances and your life. That's good!

 

Do you still love her?

 

It seems to me there may be a long history here, one where resentments built up, and to wonder today how she may be sexual with other men is hyper-focusing on one aspect of the entire history of your life together.

 

She sounds very, very angry right now. As if in examining her trees, you missed the entire forest of her feelings.

 

I would concentrate on you and your life and your children right now.

 

Give her the space she says she wants.

[JustShocked]

Drunken One Night Stands are NOT exit affairs.

You are so right! I told her that I wouldn't ever hold it against her, too. I told her I was just hurt about the deceit. I am pretty sure she was concealing things for so long because she was afraid of a heavy-handed reaction.

 

Your wife is spiraling on her own anxiety issues and perhaps, blaming you and your ADHD for it?

I am definitely the devil right now. She has never acknowledged my ADHD. She definitely has taken a toll from it, though. Poor soul, I just feel awful...I really had no clue how much of a negative impact I had on her.

 

Did she ever talk to you about seeking help for your issues earlier in the marriage?

Lately she says that she did. I can't remember specific examples of it though. I may have brushed it off as not being able to afford it. We were never at a crisis point until 2011.

 

Did she tell you that the chaos caused by your condition was a deal-breaker for her?

The concept of a deal-breaker was never discussed. Because of the card she left, I was under the impression that she knew I wasn't being myself. She knew I needed mental help.

 

Was she afraid because she felt unsafe by your actions? Did she communicate those fears to you?

She definitely feels unsafe. She won't talk to me on the phone, and hasn't since July 2011, two months after she left. She says that my angry outbursts were unpredictable.

 

I had no clue they were even happening, it is classic ADHD stuff. I still struggle with making sarcastic jabs. I was really angry that she wouldn't try some kind of 2nd chance. I harbored it too much. She never communicated those fears because of fear is what I have been told after the fact. Makes sense, and it is killing me inside...

 

For the longest time I had no idea why she was afraid. There was never any physical problems, but apparently I just really made her feel like she wasn't good enough for me. When I confronted her about the drinking and sex last weekend, she said that I expected her to be perfect.

 

She said I was always tearing her down and that she was living in my shadow. We do have a bit of an education gap. It was problematic and awkward from the beginning at times. A little bit of ego from me, and a little bit of self-consciousness from her, and BOOM...misunderstandings.

 

Did you listen to her, if she did?

I tried to listen to everything she was telling me. Honestly there were/still are things that she will say are hurting here, and I don't know where it comes from. It comes across as so insensitive to her.

 

It just got so big, she left. An example, she told me one day that if she would have known that if life was going to be like this, she wouldn't have married me. I thought she meant because we were totally broke. I didn't have a response to that.

 

It really hurt her feelings that I didn't have a response. Come to find out, she me meant money, but also the unpredictable outbursts, but she never told me that. I found that out second-hand after the fact.

 

You seem to be stronger and trying very hard to manage your condition, your finances and your life. That's good!

Both of us wanted generational change for better finances, health, etc. than our parents. It used to be our strongest bond. I am still carrying on with that goal. It is what helped me through my suicidal episodes, and all the other times things get rough.

 

Do you still love her?

I love her like crazy!

 

It seems to me there may be a long history here, one where resentments built up, and to wonder today how she may be sexual with other men is hyper-focusing on one aspect of the entire history of your life together.

Everyone I speak with about our breakdown says the same thing about resentment. The sad part is that they are resentments over misunderstandings and miscommunications on both sides. You brought up the million-dollar ADHD word, too! HYPER-FOCUS!! It is killing me!!

 

She sounds very, very angry right now. As if in examining her trees, you missed the entire forest of her feelings.

I approached things too logically for sure. I remember talking about bills, she would be very concerned about getting things paid. I would let her know where the money was coming from and I thought the discussion was over. But it wasn't even started!

 

Give her the space she says she wants.

I feel like I can do that now. Knowing what she was really up to helps me process it so much better.

[JustShocked]

She's gonna do what she wants... She's a big girl - she knows how to ask someone close to her NOW for help if she needs it.

 

That is for sure. One thing that is hard for me, is that because of her anxiety, she held so much back in life. It bums me out that I never got to experience more of life with her. She is a big girl and I have been telling myself that all night since you posted that!

[Spark1111]

One of the most difficult aspects of living with ADHD is the inability to foresee the consequences of one's actions; the chaos, the rollercoaster, the financial mismanagement, the impulsiveness, the depression and the angry outbursts and then.....the lack of short term memory that these incidents even happened!

 

The ADHD person goes on as if nothing of any import even happened while their partner is still reeling in pain and their spouse is oblivious to it.

 

Rule two for any relationship you may have in the future: Sarcasm is the worst form of communication, especially in a love relationship. It is veiled anger, cruel, and while it may have begun as a defense mechanism to feel superior to others, it has NO PLACE in a loving relationship! It is passive-agressive in the extreme and a true tenderness killer.

 

Look, maybe you got meds to get your condition under control, but you need therapy to unlearn many poor coping skills and relearn how to best respond to others....count to ten and do not blurt out the first words that come into your mind because that can be truly unkind.

 

You may not even realize that, but if you want to be successful at relationships, you need to learn some social skills and a therapist may be able to help you with that. Listen, listen, listen for the feelings behind the words before you respond.

 

And in responding, ALWAYS choose kindness, not impulsiveness. And choose honest self-introspection over defensiveness.

 

Make an appointment with an IC. I think you have some work to do. I do not say this to offend you. ADHD is rampant on one side of my family and I know what I am talking about.

 

I only wish you to live the happiest, most authentic life you can. The treatments today are very successful, but you must pair meds with good counseling to enact postive changes.

[JustShocked]

One of the most difficult aspects of living with ADHD is the inability to foresee the consequences of one's actions; the chaos, the rollercoaster, the financial mismanagement, the impulsiveness, the depression and the angry outbursts and then.....the lack of short term memory that these incidents even happened!

 

The ADHD person goes on as if nothing of any import even happened while their partner is still reeling in pain and their spouse is oblivious to it.

 

You just nailed it on the head! I can't tell you how much it hurts to know how much damage I did and didn't even realize it. The short term memory part is awful.

 

Look, maybe you got meds to get your condition under control, but you need therapy to unlearn many poor coping skills and relearn how to best respond to others....count to ten and do not blurt out the first words that come into your mind because that can be truly unkind.

 

I am still just celebrating the fact that meds are helping me keep my wonderful job. Is there a certain type of therapy I should be looking for? I will start with the counting to ten. It can be hard though, my brain moves so quickly.

 

Listen, listen, listen for the feelings behind the words before you respond.

 

This is such the opposite of my life up until now. It has always been to find the meaning of the words.

 

I think you have some work to do.

I know I have a lot of work to do. I am glad that I posted here. I am glad that someone out there really understands what I am really up against.

 

I only wish you to live the happiest, most authentic life you can. The treatments today are very successful, but you must pair meds with good counseling to enact postive changes.

Thank you! I am so afraid to get into any relationship again, after what has happened with my wife. Do you think I even stand a chance at all with her? I know I should focus on myself, but I would like her back in my life when I really have control of my problem.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Your marriage failed... and you let her lead you on for a long time. Just be glad the frigid bitch is gone.

 

Look... the sex was zero before. Now you have the chance to move on and find a woman who is truly passionate about you.

 

Stop obsessing over your ex wife.... she was clearly a bad match for you. It just wasn't meant to be. Focus on your kids and find a new love.

[beenburned]

Anyone that is on medication for OCD or ADHD should never drink alcohol, as it is very disruptive on the meds.

 

Also most people that have OCD usually have other disorders, bi-polar, manic depressive, etc., that has them cycling between mania and depression. When in the manic state they become hyper sexual, acting out in lots of ways.

 

It sounds like your wife has not been properly diagnosed and the alcohol is messing up the meds.

[aichouch23]

hi , i have some concernes about my up comming mariage , i met this guy earlier this year we fell in love and stuff and we want to get married the only probleme is that he's already married i didn't know that at first and when i found out i broke up with him but he begged me to forgive him and told me i was the love of his life and he's ganna get a divorce it'll be official next week but my heart breaks for his wife although i love him so muuch it doesn't feel right that he's ganna divorce his wife for me !! :'( plz responde i don't know what to do should i let go of him or should i just not care about his wife and go one with our wedding?

[oldguy]

You are forecasting something that may never come to be, (her returning to you) & I suspect your ADHD has more to do with that & your jealous visualizations of what sex acts your EX may or may not be performing. So along with medication you should get some help with that as it is destructive mental behavior.

 

MOST importantly & least mentioned are the kids. How are they & what sort of environment are they in. Be very careful your contempt for their mother is not expressed to them or around them. That is rule number 1.

Edited February 27, 2012 by oldguy

[Spark1111]

hi , i have some concernes about my up comming mariage , i met this guy earlier this year we fell in love and stuff and we want to get married the only probleme is that he's already married i didn't know that at first and when i found out i broke up with him but he begged me to forgive him and told me i was the love of his life and he's ganna get a divorce it'll be official next week but my heart breaks for his wife although i love him so muuch it doesn't feel right that he's ganna divorce his wife for me !! :'( plz responde i don't know what to do should i let go of him or should i just not care about his wife and go one with our wedding?

achouch 23.....

 

Welcome to LS and sorry about your painful discovery.

 

Please start your own thread...and i think you will get the support you are looking for.