Is this text messaging drama something to worry about?

[Imajerk17]

CC12: Most guys dense as we are, know when a woman doesn't really want our attention: 1. She doesn't respond to our flirty texts; 2. She doesn't respond to our flirty texts at 10pm. A woman might be "nice" and say she was busy or something but thats about it.

[bikinibeach]

When a woman wants to keep her options open then I make myself a non-option for her. Im nobody's option.

 

DING DING DING DING!!!!!!!

 

I am however, a little curious why you tolerated that behavior from your 'fiancee'....to the point where you had to call the guy out?

 

Have you had to do it since I wonder?

[threebyfate]

My Fiancee used to text like that to an old FB. I got the usual, "he is just my friend now" BS from her. So I got his number and called him. I asked him to join us for dinner (my treat) and I asked him to bring HIS WIFE. I also told him that if he wanted my GF to just come over and help her to pack her sh**. That put a stop to that. Turns out his wife had no clue what was going on both past and present.

 

OP needs to nip this in the bud or it will continue until things get out of hand.

It really doesnt matter what the reason is for her doing this. Its not constructive.

 

Some women do it to seem polite. Some are attention whores. And some want to keep their FBs around in case they need a backup F*** sorry to say.

 

When a woman wants to keep her options open then I make myself a non-option for her. Im nobody's option.

So you held the other guy accountable but not your fiancee, who's the one with the relationship agreement with you and who outright lied to you?

[tenbee]

I've only read the OP comment..

 

I've never cheated on a man... physically or emotionally. I'll tell you about one of my situations.

 

When my bf and I started dating it was casual and we were not exclusive with each other until about 3-4 months in. During the casual non-exclusive part of the relationship... there was a guy that I went on one date with that would call and text me etc... practically EVERY day. It was innocent texts like a scripture, some quote of encouragement, or wishing me a happy day. *If* I replied it would be a 'thanks. you too' or something similarly completely predictable and meaningless. I never kissed him. He's never been at my place or I at his, but we work for the same company. Therefore I would occasionally (but rarely) run into him at work.

 

After my bf and I began exclusively dating I stopped responding to the other guys advances coldturkey because I thought it was inappropriate and I had made a decision. Furthermore I never told the guy why I stopped responding because I thought that would seem strange to just say "oh hey, yeah well I have a boyfriend now so stop texting me". Though I think maybe I should one day because I still get calls and texts from him periodically.

 

So I told my boyfriend that I occasionally get text messages and phone calls from this guy, but I don't answer them because I'm not interested in being with anyone else.

 

I understand why your gf had a difficult time just telling the guy to stop texting her, but she should have told you to begin with that there was a guy that keeps making advances at her. I think the situation could have been avoided.

 

My boyfriend has a crazy ex that calls and texts him ever now and then, but he won't answer because she can't take a hint so it's not worth the headache. He shares her text messages with me to avoid confusion.

[love818181]

Update: I gave her the benefit of the doubt and said just don't let this happen again. But I will admit that I've been on extra high alert in a way lol. I've told her I'm not a fan of this guy. So I haven't really brought it up anymore although yesterday she said that the guy came to her other job (movie theater) on Saturday. I know she can get people in for free so i go, "Uh.. So did you get him in for free..?" She goes, "Yeah." To be honest, I was a little disappointed. I don't mind them working together and keeping it cordial, but after what happened before, I don't think this is a guy that she should be doing nice things for outside of work.

 

I asked her if it was me and the girl that had been texting me to go out with her behind my gf's back later came into the restaurant I work at (I'm a server) and I got her free food - would it bother her (my gf)? And she said it would. She says she always sees my point when I give her perspective.

 

So anyways, it's a minor thing (and credit to her for telling me about it) but it's the principle of it. She knows I don't like this guy now but it's as if she chose not hurting his feelings over mine. Is this something to care about or am i over-analyzing?

[Beetleguise]

Judging by how its gone down...

 

Id say your girl is enjoying the attention and is also scared of making things awkward.

 

Both are ultimately selfish.

 

If i where you i would do 2 things.

 

1) Make extra effort to pay attention to your girl for the next few weeks, remind her why you are the man

2) Get a female friend to send a text to your phone .. when your with her.

 

Watch her reaction, let her feel how it feels... Hopefully she will say something to you at the time

 

Second option can be dangerous if she catches on so do it well!

 

Also , i might get shot down by people here but im absolutely creeping / spying on her phone etc for the next few weeks. You find anything . Its game set match, kick her to the curb

 

gl

[phineas]

she knows it's wrong, knows it bothers you & still does it?

Really?

 

forget about checking her phone, you know she's just going to erase the evidence anyway.

 

I'd demote her to FB, start detaching emotionally and start looking forward to being single for a little because sooner or later she's going to be with him.

forget about checking her phone, you know she's just going to erase the evidence anyway.

 

Nobody in a relationship should be acting that way with someone of the opposite sex when they have made it clear their intents are sexual like this guy has.

 

Unless your GF is retarded, she knows exactly what she is doing.

[Leigh 87]

I was in this situation.

 

I liked my boyfriend very much and had no intention of cheating, BUT, it was innapropriate of me to even TALK to the guy, based on the way he taslked to me.

 

 

 

Even worse, he was a hot body buildar, male model type, who I HOOKED UP with before my boyfriend.

 

The hot guy texted me out of the blue after I met my b/f.

 

He sent a message saying " hey want the company of a sexy man:p"

 

He already knew I had a boyfriend, and there was no chance I was interesting in anyhting but hanging out.

 

 

That's right - I was naive.. I thought that, just because I had NO INTENTION of cheating, that it did not change the fact that it is NOT COOL to hang out with a hot model u had sex with, when u have a BOYFRIEND.

 

 

Seriously - I am not an attention whore, and I really liked my b/f and had NO DESIRE .. AT ALL.. to cheat.

 

I simply processed it like this :

 

- cool guy who is intelligent and funny texted me

- I made it clear I would not do anything sexual with him. Ever.

- I love people and just am so happy to hang out with any one nice! lol!

- I had no desire at ALL to cheat, so what is wrong with watching a DVD with a hot guy u slept with.. when u have a BOYFRIEND?

 

 

 

My point is - some girls are really nice to people, like I am, and they ar enot able to just say " look mate, stop texting me, this is inappropriate because I have a boyfriend: I would feel bad if he did the same to me"

 

 

I DO do this NOW, but only after I learnt from that mistake.

 

 

I was at the movies, and my boyfriend read the text he sent me, and he also saw facebook messages of him saying stuff to me.

 

 

 

He said it really cut him deaply, and hurt him. From that point forward, I knew I had made a mistake.

 

I knew that although my intentions were ALWAYS good, that the way i acted was disrespectful.

 

 

 

LESSON: my boyfriend found facebook messages and texts from a hot guy who I had SLEPT WITH, after we became exclusive ( as u Americans call it, we do not call it that in AUS)

 

 

Like your girlfriend, it was RUDE of me. So, I learnt my lesson, was genuinely SORRY, I knew that I was WAY out of line. Ultimately, I had no ill intent, so I just apologised and never did it again.

[Emilia]

The gf in the original post sounds like an idiot. I don't think she is a cheat and I think initially she may have hesitated because she wasn't sure whether the OP would get jealous or angry but she is also not very bright. I would dump her just for that reason.

[Emilia]

I asked her if it was me and the girl that had been texting me to go out with her behind my gf's back later came into the restaurant I work at (I'm a server) and I got her free food - would it bother her (my gf)? And she said it would. She says she always sees my point when I give her perspective.

So anyways, it's a minor thing (and credit to her for telling me about it) but it's the principle of it. She knows I don't like this guy now but it's as if she chose not hurting his feelings over mine. Is this something to care about or am i over-analyzing?

 

She is as thick as two short planks

[djmm]

The cell phone has changed relationship history forever and the change is permanent.

 

THis is the darn truth.

 

I have become a hater of cell phones with relationship. An ExGF used to check my phone for messages from girls. Another girl would rather communicate via text than face-to-face conversation.

 

It has changed interpersonal relationships. Texting is something to hide behind.

[Chocolat]

 

So anyways, it's a minor thing (and credit to her for telling me about it) but it's the principle of it. She knows I don't like this guy now but it's as if she chose not hurting his feelings over mine. Is this something to care about or am i over-analyzing?

 

I'd be a lot more willing to accept the perspective of those who say it's harmless if it didn't appear that your gf initiated the texting session. Her excuse that he texted first but she deleted it doesn't sit right. If the text was offensive enough to be deleted, she wouldn't have replied.

 

My take is that, while she might not be ready to sleep with this guy, she enjoys the attention. You were out of the house, she was bored, so she decided to text him, knowing that he has a thing for her and would be available. You showed up (maybe sooner than she expected) and she needed a cover for her activity.

 

I'd watch very carefully.

[Pucktie215]

Hey man...This can be fixed. Here me out.

 

I met a wonderful girl who was in a bad relationship before me. Her ex had affairs (She was married) which led her to text with guys in her life. She never had sex, which I believe, but she liked the attention of the texts, even the sexual one's. Women like attention, we all know that.

 

I let her know that I was looking for a serious and commited relationship. She also wants one. We set ground rules up and she now knows to come to me when a guy is innapropriate. She used to ignore inappropriate texts because the guy were her "friends". I explained that I wouldn't text that way to a girl who was a "friend". Also, I told her that I don't have girls as close friends because why would I want to hang with a girl alone that I didn't want to screw.

 

Let her know how you feel. Let her know that attention should come from you. Other men can be friends, rarely. This guy is out already. He doesn't respect your relationship and she has to drop him and understand why she's dropping him if she truly cares about your relationship.

 

It's time for her to grow up. Also, as your relationship blossoms, she'll trust in you more and more; hence, she'll have less and less need for other male attention.

 

Talk to her. Give her a chance. As you get more serious, it's also scary for her. Show her you are in and that she means something to you.

 

Good luck. It really worked for me.

[dasein]

There's almost surely more going on here than you are privy to, OP. Listen to phineas, agree with his post entirely.

 

There's a very strong possibility that your GF is telling you small bits of a much larger ugly truth to placate her conscience. The dude going to her other work cinches it. She is either already cheating with him, physically or emotionally, or contemplating it.

 

Even if I'm wrong, showing you disrespect by continuing to be in regular contact with this guy after you have made your feelings very clear is an instadump offense.

[thatone]

I've been in her shoes. I do not think for a second that your GF is looking to cheat with this guy, otherwise she wouldn't have told you right away that she thought he was being a creeper.

 

She sounds like someone who's generally easy going and enjoys banter and whatnot. He's someone she works with, and she's probably just trying to keep the peace and not have things turn awkward at work. It's a lot easier to respond to a date/dinner invite by laughing at him and make it sound like he must be joking ("Haha! You crack me up!") from a guy than to outright tell him not to ask. Sometimes we just hope the guy will get a clue from our nonresponsiveness, but we will put the kibosh on it if it becomes necessary (which she did).

 

It's awkward, but it's all innocent. Pick your battles.

 

agree, because she told him about it right up front.

 

if she were hiding it, it would be different.

[love818181]

THis is the darn truth.

 

I have become a hater of cell phones with relationship. An ExGF used to check my phone for messages from girls. Another girl would rather communicate via text than face-to-face conversation.

 

It has changed interpersonal relationships. Texting is something to hide behind.

 

I've always been a very open person (and never have anything to hide). I've always let my gf's look through my cell phone if they wanted. They also know my fbook and email passwords. There would never be anything in there I wouldn't want them to see so it's not a big deal to me.

[g450]

DING DING DING DING!!!!!!!

 

I am however, a little curious why you tolerated that behavior from your 'fiancee'....to the point where you had to call the guy out?

 

Have you had to do it since I wonder?

 

Didnt know it was going on until he called her one day and she ran as fast as I could to my garage so I could not hear the call. She was sitting on my mancouch talking to him. She saw me and paniced and went into defensive mode by accusing me of spying on her and that I was not respecting her privacy (blameshifting).

 

I basically gave her the option. Its me or him. That was my boundry. If she wanted to talk to her "special old friend" behind his wifes back then she obviously didnt need me.

 

Technically, he made the choice for her as AFAIK he never called her back since then and that was almost a year and a half ago. He knows better than to call. I know where he lives and I know how to get in touch with his wife so he has everything to lose.

 

My Fiance (gf at that time) told me I was right about him. He probably just wanted a backup fb in case his marriage didnt work out.

[veggirl]

 

Let her know how you feel.

 

He did. She continued the same behavior.

 

He doesn't respect your relationship and she has to drop him and understand why she's dropping him if she truly cares about your relationship.

 

yes, unless she is willing to DROP this guy 100%, this should be a dealbreaker.

 

 

 

Also, as your relationship blossoms, she'll trust in you more and more; hence, she'll have less and less need for other male attention.

 

What a cop-out. Doesn't sound to me that OP has ever given his girl any reason not to trust him.

[g450]

So you held the other guy accountable but not your fiancee, who's the one with the relationship agreement with you and who outright lied to you?

 

I held both of them accountable. But the friendship was ended by him since he was married and his wife did not know about his history with my (then) gf. Before she met me she was having sex with this guy while he was allegedly separated from his wife. He refused to divorce his wife so they allegedy decided to stay good friends. That's her story and I believed that for the most part. Doesnt mean Im dumb and didnt keep my ears to the ground though.

 

In retrospect, had she continued communicating with him I would have dropped her. She knows this. Exs hanging around and calling is a dealbreaker with me.

 

In her defense, she did tell me she was still friends with him when we first started dating. It was when I found out that this "friendship" was being hidden by him from his wife, that's when I knew something wasnt right and that I had to do something to protect myself. Now I do not tollerate any of her exes for that reason. I dont care how innocent she makes them out to be.

 

My Fiancee knows I have zero tolarance to exes hanging around. It's something I refuse to deal with and Im happy to say that she has taken steps to rectify that.

[Keke1]

Update: I gave her the benefit of the doubt and said just don't let this happen again. But I will admit that I've been on extra high alert in a way lol. I've told her I'm not a fan of this guy. So I haven't really brought it up anymore although yesterday she said that the guy came to her other job (movie theater) on Saturday. I know she can get people in for free so i go, "Uh.. So did you get him in for free..?" She goes, "Yeah." To be honest, I was a little disappointed. I don't mind them working together and keeping it cordial, but after what happened before, I don't think this is a guy that she should be doing nice things for outside of work.

 

I asked her if it was me and the girl that had been texting me to go out with her behind my gf's back later came into the restaurant I work at (I'm a server) and I got her free food - would it bother her (my gf)? And she said it would. She says she always sees my point when I give her perspective.

 

So anyways, it's a minor thing (and credit to her for telling me about it) but it's the principle of it. She knows I don't like this guy now but it's as if she chose not hurting his feelings over mine. Is this something to care about or am i over-analyzing?

Its not a minor thing. She i probably going to hide deeper where you wont know. Ive dealt with the "Its not a big deal" It is if its bothering you and she wants to be with you it is a big deal. That hiding under the guise of we arent doing anything is coming up soon. You shouldnt have to tell her that its wrong. She knows but cant resist right. Id run if I were you.

[love818181]

I made the mistake of telling her she needs to learn perspective... she kind of took that theme and turned it to her advantage and now her excuse is, "I never had to act like this with other exes. I didn't know." She's playing stupid.