Is this text messaging drama something to worry about?

[love818181]

My gf and I have dated for a couple months. She is 26 and I'm 30. Our relationship has always been great with no drama.

 

A couple days ago we spent the whole day together at her apartment. Around 9 p.m. I left for a couple hours to go to my house to grab some clothes. I return around 10:30 p.m. and as I walk into her apartment and greet her in the kitchen, her cell phone on the counter rings for a text. I sit on the couch and 5 minutes later her phone rings again. She looks at it with a scowl and I ask, "What's wrong?"

 

She says, "Oh it's a guy I work with. He's kind of being a creeper. And it's weird that he's texting me so late..." I say, "Why? What did he say?" She says, "He's asking me how is my PTO (Paid time off) going." I say, "Well, why don't you just tell him you're having fun..?" She hesitates and says, "Umm... He's kind of being inappropriate." I ask, "How?" She says, "Umm.. He kind of calls me "sweetie..." I ask, "Is that it..?" Her: "Umm... Well he's asking me when him and I are gonna go out for dinner."

 

She was hesitating and acting really odd when telling me this stuff so I said, "Can I see what he wrote?" (And I have never looked at her phone ever before). She said, "Ok," and handed it over. I read the message and it said: "Hey cutie. When are we gonna go out for dinner? I know you have a boyfriend hahahahahaha but you know, you're such a cutie. ))"

 

It was odd that she tried to hide pieces of what the text said. Also odd in that when I had asked her what he texted after he scowled she said it was about him asking about her paid time off when it was actually the asking-out-to dinner text (He sent the paid time off text 5 minutes before).

 

Now I'm curious so I cycle back through the Inbox a little bit and there are other texts from him saying "lol" and "Did you know Russia has 12 time zones!?" I check her Sent box and see that she had just earlier been responding to this guy. Stuff like, "Lol!! You freaking crack me up!!! " and the earliest text between the two of them was her saying, "Whats up "

 

So now I go, "So wait... You were just wondering out loud about it being weird that this guy's texting you so late at night? Um... You've been texting back and forth!! And it looks like you initiated it!" She says, "Oh, no. He actually was the one who sent a text first but I deleted it." I ask, "Why?" Her: "Because it was something inappropriate. He said, 'Hey sweetie' and I replied back to him... But then I looked at what he wrote and I thought it was inappropriate since I'm in a relationship so I deleted it..." Me: "So you deleted it because it was inappropriate but you still decided to reply back and have a conversation with him?" Her: "I don't know what I was thinking..." I didn't like that she responded with a "whats up :)" Seems kind of flirty with the smiley face...

 

I then say, "So... Are you going to reply to that last text he sent? (hoping she would tell him that it's inappropriate for him to talk to her like that... or to eff off... just something to show she respects me/our relationship) But she goes, "I'm just going to ignore it."

 

Later on she said she felt bad because he complains at work to her that whenever he texts her she never responds. So that she responded this time because of that. I counter with, "But you're in a relationship now and a guy texting you, 'Hey Sweetie' at 10 p.m. is obviously for one thing. Come on, you're not naive. You're going to choose not hurting his feelings over your boyfriend's?" She also said, "Well... He talks like that to all of the girls at work..." I say, "Well then why did you delete the text if that's how he usually talks?" Her: "I don't know."

 

I asked her if it would bother her if roles we reversed and I did all the things she did after a girl texted me like that. She said it would bother her a lot. I also asked what she would have done if I was sitting next to her on the couch when the guy initially texted, "Hey Sweetie." She thought about it and said, "I don't know." Then after a while she said, "I would probably delete it and not tell you." Then after a while she said, "No... I would show it to you first." It bothers me to think that she would act totally differently to this guy texting her depending on whether I'm in the room or not.

 

And she admits feeling that what she was doing was wrong even before I returned to her apartment (even before he sent the last text asking her out). So I asked, "Why did you keep conversing with him then?" Her: "I don't know." Me: "It's like you stopped talking to him as soon as I got to your place."

 

The following day after I inquired a few times if she had replied back to guy (by this time she said it was a day later and it was too late to say anything) she did reply to him saying that it was inappropriate for him to text her things like that and she would appreciate it if he would stop. He did reply saying that he didn't think he was doing anything wrong but he would stop.

 

So the whole scenario has me weirded out. Especially because I've never noticed any shady behavior from her before. And she doesn't seem like an attention whore. But who know!?

[LovJoy]

She is not an attention whore...she is a REAL WHORE who would sleep on your bed behind your back when you are at work. You will ask her, "why did you cheat on me?" if you lucky to find out..and she will say "I don't know".

 

Dumb this cum dumpster who shows you zero respect, don't you respect your self? Just for some young, wet, tasty pussy you will let her disrespect you like that bro?

 

Teach this bitch a lesson and let that guy have her. Why be with someone who you can't trust and shows you disrespect...any dude like that you would ex out of your life in a second.

 

Don't be a doormat bro and kick that HO out of your life!

[lemonlegs]

Well, she obviously likes the attention from other guys. I would just ask her to stop if this bothers you, which it obviously does and should.

 

It's hard to say, but if she actually has any feelings for this guy, it will only get worse as they work together and can't really act on it (well, they could, but if she is a decent girl, she won't.)

 

I would just tell her that it bothers you and this has indicated to you that you now have to be aware of her talking to other guys.

 

I think it's a good sign that she told you that he was being a 'creeper' because a lot of girls could just button their lip and continue messaging him like nothing is wrong. I would just let her know that it's not appropriate while she's with you.

[love818181]

Any other thoughts..?

[silvermercy]

Hmm... It COULD be innocent but again I don't like the signs you are getting from her. Maybe they're not RED flags yet, but they are at least ORANGE...

I'm mostly bothered by her constant "I don't know..." talk. It's like "Why did you eat that chocolate, you know you're on a diet". Her answer: "Oh I don't know... I just ate it..." (I would add "I just couldn't resist" here).

So I think the answer is she couldn't resist. It's "low impulse control" (thanks to Kaylan for this term. lol)

Watch for more signs and if you have a common computer that belongs to both of you install a keylogger.

[2sunny]

She's participating - yet she wants to pretend to YOU that it's innocent.

 

But you know it's not.

 

She does look for attention from other men - whether she admits to it or not.

 

YOU need to decide IF this is something you are willing to live with... Because when it's not him - it will be another man along the way.

 

She NEEDS that ego feed! The one YOU provide isn't enough to make her not look for it somewhere else.

 

Is that the kind of gal you want to be with?

[veggirl]

Watch for more signs and if you have a common computer that belongs to both of you install a keylogger.

 

OMG, a keylogger?! Hey, OP, here's a good rule of thumb, if you get to the point in a relationship (and aren't married) where you feel the need to do something like that, JUST BREAK UP cause the trust is GONE.

 

I think your girl is on the way out, or on her way to cheating with this guy. I'd leave her. She has shown you she is a liar, and she isn't going to put a stop to this guys flirting (rather, she encourages it). Not someone I'd be interested in dating.

[Star Gazer]

I've been in her shoes. I do not think for a second that your GF is looking to cheat with this guy, otherwise she wouldn't have told you right away that she thought he was being a creeper.

 

She sounds like someone who's generally easy going and enjoys banter and whatnot. He's someone she works with, and she's probably just trying to keep the peace and not have things turn awkward at work. It's a lot easier to respond to a date/dinner invite by laughing at him and make it sound like he must be joking ("Haha! You crack me up!") from a guy than to outright tell him not to ask. Sometimes we just hope the guy will get a clue from our nonresponsiveness, but we will put the kibosh on it if it becomes necessary (which she did).

 

It's awkward, but it's all innocent. Pick your battles.

[here4her]

I Think it would of best for her not to respond at all. Eventually the guy would stop texting her. The fact she responds is what keeps it going.

Some people love the attention. I think if it bothered her all that much she wouldn't respond, possibly change her number, and not have him in her phone as a contact. It shouldn't affect her at work, and if it does then her and her friends should find out if sexual harassment is tolerated at work.

[TheSingleGuy]

The cell phone has changed relationship history forever and the change is permanent.

 

When I was a kid growing up, there was one landline house phone, and no such thing as webmail. If a guy wanted to pursue a girl, he had to call the house phone and there was no telling who would answer. Could be mom, dad, the room mate or it could be the husband.

 

My trust is gone. I will date women for six months or so, but then I vanish.

 

It's to protect myself. Nothing more, nothing less. Life in the adulterous generation.

 

The question is, why does this male co-worker have your girlfriend's phone number in the first place? She should have been rehearsing the line "I have a boyfriend.". But she forgot that line. So now it's your job, as a man, living in the adulterous generation, to remind her exactly what it's like to NOT have a boyfriend. Be a man and walk away. If you don't do this, she WILL lose attraction for you and this down hill slope is very slippery. Female attraction is very mysterious, but if she sees you tolerate this, there is no telling what dots her little female brain will connect.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Meh, it's nothing. Please just let it go. My ex used to pick apart every minor thing like that and it ruined our relationship (well it was one of the big issues).

 

It doesn't mean that she a liar, a potential cheater or a w.... You are over-analyzing when the whole thing was meaningless. You shouldn't have even asked her for the phone. Don't listen to bitter guys on this forum, they couldn't get a woman to save their life.

[Imajerk17]

I think this is grounds for a break up. You can't trust her anymore and for good reason. So why even bother staying?

[threebyfate]

It's obvious she's being shady enjoying the male attention. If she thought he was creepy, she wouldn't have responded. That there's back and forth, where she outright lied about things, is concerning.

 

I'd watch this girl.

[Imajerk17]

The texts are just one thing, a sign of a bigger problem. What do you think is happening when they are face-to-face at work? At the very least this woman has TERRIBLE boundaries.

Edited February 26, 2012 by Imajerk17

[2sunny]

Meh, it's nothing. Please just let it go. My ex used to pick apart every minor thing like that and it ruined our relationship (well it was one of the big issues).

 

It doesn't mean that she a liar, a potential cheater or a w.... You are over-analyzing when the whole thing was meaningless. You shouldn't have even asked her for the phone. Don't listen to bitter guys on this forum, they couldn't get a woman to save their life.

 

I disagree. She was terribly disrespectful and willing to play along with someone else while she's dating this OP. At the very least - she's creating an environment where jealousy comes into play. IF she wasn't participating with the other guy - he wouldn't have had to ask. She did it - she expects him to be ok with being treated with disrespect. I think it's laughable that some say overlook it.

 

If I was dating a guy and he was texting another gal that looked like leading someone else on - I'd definitely break up.

 

She's testing to see if you will tolerate her bad behavior.

[Eternal Sunshine]

But the thing is, ALL humans are flawed. You can't just expect someone to abide by your perfect standards of behavior. Flexibility is the key.

[threebyfate]

But the thing is, ALL humans are flawed. You can't just expect someone to abide by your perfect standards of behavior. Flexibility is the key.

Flirting between people as casual, friendly behaviour isn't a big deal, particularly when it's in the open where the SO can see it all and make their own judgements. But when someone's hiding and lying about it, self-admittedly feeling guilty about indulging in it, there's more to this than simple, friendly flirting.

[Star Gazer]

I disagree. She was terribly disrespectful and willing to play along with someone else while she's dating this OP. At the very least - she's creating an environment where jealousy comes into play. IF she wasn't participating with the other guy - he wouldn't have had to ask. She did it - she expects him to be ok with being treated with disrespect. I think it's laughable that some say overlook it.

 

If I was dating a guy and he was texting another gal that looked like leading someone else on - I'd definitely break up.

 

She's testing to see if you will tolerate her bad behavior.

 

She wasn't "playing along." She wasn't "participating with the other guy." She wasn't "disrespecting" her boyfriend. She wasn't "leading the guy on."

 

She was LAUGHING AT HIM.

 

One of my guy friends literally texted me the other day that he thought we should get wasted and go skinny dipping. I literally responded with, "Hahahaha! Yeah right! You're funny." Saying, "How dare you! I have a boyfriend!" would just be ridiculous. The guy in my situation got the hint. The guy in this situation didn't - so she had to be more direct, and WAS more direct when she told him to stop.

 

But most guys who are hitting on a girl with a known BF know what it means to be laughed at. It's an outright dismissal. And the gals doing the laughing know the same.

[Imajerk17]

She wasn't "playing along." She wasn't "participating with the other guy." She wasn't "disrespecting" her boyfriend. She wasn't "leading the guy on."

 

She was LAUGHING AT HIM.

 

One of my guy friends literally texted me the other day that he thought we should get wasted and go skinny dipping. I literally responded with, "Hahahaha! Yeah right! You're funny." Saying, "How dare you! I have a boyfriend!" would just be ridiculous. The guy in my situation got the hint. The guy in this situation didn't - so she had to be more direct, and WAS more direct when she told him to stop.

 

But most guys who are hitting on a girl with a known BF know what it means to be laughed at. It's an outright dismissal. And the gals doing the laughing know the same.

I don't agree at all here. She had a long text conversation with this guy for one thing. He kept on being inappropriate and she h kept on responding to him.

 

Something is up.

Edited February 26, 2012 by Imajerk17

[2sunny]

I don't agree at all here. She had a long text conversation with this guy for one thing. He kept on being inappropriate and she h kept on responding to him.

 

Something is up.

 

Yep... And she didn't stop until AFTER her BF had to point out that it wasn't appropriate.

 

She didn't shut it down after the first text - she kept engaging him.

[threebyfate]

She outright lied three times and lied by omission once. Not to be trusted.

[mortensorchid]

Hmmm .... Well, since all has gone down as it has gone down, I think the best thing to do is ask her. Others seem to have said that she is one of those attention whore types or a teaser, some say she is unfaithful. If the first few cases are true, it is cause for concern. If the third is true, then you should leave her. And chances are if you are with an attention whore or a teaser, you will not have happy results. Unless she stops the behavior completely, you have cause for concern.

[g450]

My Fiancee used to text like that to an old FB. I got the usual, "he is just my friend now" BS from her. So I got his number and called him. I asked him to join us for dinner (my treat) and I asked him to bring HIS WIFE. I also told him that if he wanted my GF to just come over and help her to pack her sh**. That put a stop to that. Turns out his wife had no clue what was going on both past and present.

 

OP needs to nip this in the bud or it will continue until things get out of hand.

It really doesnt matter what the reason is for her doing this. Its not constructive.

 

Some women do it to seem polite. Some are attention whores. And some want to keep their FBs around in case they need a backup F*** sorry to say.

 

When a woman wants to keep her options open then I make myself a non-option for her. Im nobody's option.

Edited February 26, 2012 by g450
speelin

[CC12]

Do you trust her? If you do, then why did you feel the need to give her the third degree about these texts? She was forthright when she told you some guy was texting her and being creepy and she said she was going to ignore it. Why wasn't that good enough for you? I don't think you trust her.

 

Try to put yourself in her shoes. She has a boyfriend who gets suspicious of things and will question the crap out of her, and then there's this guy at work who is I guess mostly friendly and sometimes hits on her. It's a tough spot, because she doesn't want to cause drama and trouble at work and it's easier to just act nicey-nice instead of telling him to go **** himself, but on the other hand, her boyfriend will go through her texts and act suspicious and sort of crazy so on that front, it's easier to not let him know all the facts because they're not relevant anyway because she just wants nothing to do with the creepy guy and doesn't want to make her boyfriend mad. Because you do get mad.

 

Finally, there's this:

 

she did reply to him saying that it was inappropriate for him to text her things like that and she would appreciate it if he would stop. He did reply saying that he didn't think he was doing anything wrong but he would stop.

 

She told him to stop and he said he would! Problem solved! Satisfactory outcome! Why are you still so upset about this that you posted a thread about it? Either trust your girlfriend and the way she chooses to handle things, or break up with her.

[Imajerk17]

If you are in a relationship, it is your job to set appropriate boundaries when it comes to your behavior around other gender. Not doing so = Disqualified. It's either a sign of bad boundaries/judgement or real cheating. Neither is acceptable in a partner.

 

This woman had really bad judgement in that regard. And just because she wanted to be "nice" is no excuse. I wouldn't be shocked if more is going on between them though.

 

Here's the thing too. When you mess up in that regard, trust goes out the window. I don't think it's "Problem solved!" at all.

Edited February 26, 2012 by Imajerk17