Pregnant but separating?

[Dont_know]

I don't know who else to talk to so I'm talking here. I have a therapist that I see weekly, but they can't see me right this second, and I need to get this out to someone, so here I am.

 

Some background:

I have been with a girl who I don't love because of various circumstances.. Many of them to do with me being unable to leave her when drama occurs, and her keeping me because she knows I have trouble leaving her. In some ways, I've been afraid of what she will do to herself, and I wanted to help her. I constantly feel like I'm guilty and shameful, and I'm used to taking care of other people (I took care of my mom after my dad passed away, and I took my mom in with me while she passed away of cancer), so this makes it hard for me to act on my situation with her. I tried to break up with her many times, but she loves me so vehemently and aggressively and I have a hard time saying "No" to her. I settled with her and just assumed that at some point I would feel the same for her as she did for me. She was constantly suffocating me, needy, and toxic to me in terms of our confrontations on a daily basis. I felt sick being in this relationship a lot. I have been the sole breadwinner for most of our entire relationship, with her being at home wallowing and dwelling in her emotions while I take care of everything else (money, bills, errands, everything). You won't understand this, but I married her as well. I married her because she also has a strong number of health complications, and after years of no employment (so no benefits) I caved and we got married so she could share mine. It wasn't exactly 'on the level' and we knew divorce was in the future. My friends know how it affects me and have wanted me to leave for so long. Even after marriage counseling didn't work out, our counselor ended up becoming my individual therapist and they even wanted me to get out. I finally started making plans to act finally and separate and she attempted to commit suicide, taking pills, doing terrible things to herself, and again I stayed for a while.

 

And then I met someone. Someone who I actually love. And they love me back. We'd been friends for months and when I was pushing for separating from my wife, I had assumed that I would not be seeking anyone else to be in a relationship with, but then we fell for each other and we just fit so well with each other. I'd never believed I could feel this kind of love before and now that I have, I didn't care that I was leaving one relationship to go into another one. I don't expect anyone to understand how I feel about this other girl. I had started pushing through the process of separation and divorce, and I was planning on moving out in the coming weeks.

 

And then my wife tells me that she's pregnant. See, due to the number of health complications she has, she's been barren most of her life; she'd only been pregnant once before, ever, and it ended in miscarriage. I have a hard time rejecting her sexual advances and often would ask if we could use protection, but she would get very upset at this reacting like, 'you know I can't get pregnant, why do you even bring it up?!' etc etc. I also had trouble keeping an erection with her and using a condom would exacerbate that. What's really really bad is that the gyno thinks that she was pregnant before her suicide attempts, and may have been pregnant while she was doing all these terrible things to herself.

 

But having a child was the biggest goal in her life. Forever, she's wanted to be a mom, she even used to talk about just getting a donor, she didn't care about having a father in the life, she just wanted to have the chance to be a mom even if she was a single mom. I'm not against having kids, in fact I think about having it with the girl I actually want to be with. The pregnancy isn't want makes me upset, it's who I'm pregnant with.

 

I don't want to be with her. We've been going through the motions to separate and now this happens. She has also acknowledged that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, because she feels like I'll resent her forever (which I probably will) and she'd rather not have that drama while she is taking care of the baby. She was even considering straight up leaving and not even telling me that she was pregnant. The only reason I even found out was because she was in the middle of txting her friend about leaving me as well as txting me about other stuff, and she got some of the txts confused and accidentally sent some to me instead.

 

So I found out. Now I know. It was easy for her to consider disappearing when I didn't know, but now I do and it changes everything. She was fine with being a single mom before, but now that she's actually pregnant, the idea of taking all of this on worries the **** out of her, which of course it would. I love kids, and I have no qualms with being a father. But neither of us wanted this to be with each other. She wants a family, but I don't know if I can give her the 'family' she wants. Do I want to abandon the child? Absolutely not. Do I want to be 'hands off' with this pregnancy? Not really. I would love to be at the appointments if she would let me. I will continue to support her financially and we can even get the divorce after that way she can use my benefits for the pregnancy. I just want the kid to be ok, but I want to be happy too?

 

I want to be happy. I want to move out, and move on to this other relationship. She wants to be happy with this child. We want to be adults about this.

 

But how is this possible? Everything in my guilty, shameful, responsible personality makes me think I should do an about-face and stay. Break the heart of the girl I was leaving her to be with, and instead stay in this relationship that I hate so that our child can grow up with a father who's not just 'there part-time'. But I also know I've spent most of these years putting up this facade and staying in this relationship and doing these things I hate and just don't want to do, and this would be another nail in that coffin I'm building for myself. She says I'm selfish for wanting out, and she's right. I don't deny that. I want to be there for this kid but I really, really don't want to be with it's mother. For once I just want to be happy.

 

How do people deal with these kinds of things? Broken homes? Children with multiple partners? We worry that this child will be brought up terribly because we'll have already been broken up before it's even born. Abortion is out of the question for both of us. And although there is a chance that she might not even carry this baby to term due to her high risk health conditions, I can't wait for that kind of excuse to come out and save this. I have to prepare now and make a decision about whether I'm staying or I'm going. And then there is the baby's health to worry about, what with the suicide attempts and the terrible condition she's in... What if the baby is impaired? Or what if she becomes impaired because of having to carry and deliver a baby with her terrible health condition? It's all so much...

 

So my question is, how do people deal with this. She wants me to make my decision. My decision, in my heart, is to leave her. I want to be there for the baby, during the important times, to share custody, etc. I do not want to abandon the child whatsoever. I just want to be happy and live my life, and I know everyone will hate me and consider me so selfish. But I'm at the point where I don't care what other people will think of me, I have been worrying about that for years. I want to be happy, but how can I? I should be thinking about this child...

[Philosoraptor]

You need to do what will make you happy... but you need to take time and heal from this. Your "love" for this new person is likely a facade caused by the horrible connection you have with your wife.

 

If you want to end your current relationship then do so, you cannot be held responsible for another person's actions. But you need to take time alone to heal.

[maybealone]

Look at it this way -- your child will know no other childhood than his or her own. Whether you are a part-time dad from the start or whether you stay in a loveless relationship, that will be "normal" for your child. In my opinion, I would rather divorce before the child is old enough to understand what is happening than to stick it out for five or ten years and then split.

 

Yes, some people might not think highly of you if you leave. You cannot worry about that. I don't think it is any more selfish to leave and be happy than it is to stay and be some kind of martyr.

 

And I don't understand why she would call you selfish when she considered leaving and not even telling you she was pregnant. That's selfish. (And also a reason to consider a paternity test.)

 

Your wife obviously needs help, and although that needs to be her choice, I hope you can help influence her. If not, I would seriously consider going for primary custody. It's possible that your wife will want to get her mental issues under control since motherhood is something she always wanted, but if not, the safety of your child should always come first.

 

I also understand wanting to start a real relationship with the new person right away, but consider taking it slow to allow yourself to heal and to discover and know for sure what you want out of life. Some individual counseling would be good for you, too, so you can learn to not feel so much guilt and shame.

[Dont_know]

Thanks so much for these replies... I really appreciate the feedback... I do want to be happy but if this kid happens I will be there for them. I talked to some other ppl who have similar situations (I thought I was alone in this) and they say the same thing: be there for the child but be happy. It's my life and only I get to live it, and I can be a father without being stuck in this abusive relationship. Still haven't had a chance to talk to my therapist yet. Hope to get more insight from them on this next week.

[Dont_know]

So I've been talking to my now-therapist/previous-marriage counselor and they agree with me on making this decision to separate even though she is pregnant. Again, no one is sure that she can make this full term, but she wants to try, and we've both agreed that our relationship is over now. We're going to stay friends and try to make this work but I now have a separate question from the original topic: Are there resources for understanding how to raise a child in a family that is not your typical nuclear family situation? Any books or blogs for someone who is a parent but separated from the other parent? It would be nice to seek advice or get some input from other people who are trying to raise a child while having a civil relationship with a partner who they are not together with anymore. If there are any communities or places where I can see direction, I would appreciate it as I'm only really familiar with raising a kid in a typical family.

[Funsize]

Get ironclad custody agreements NOW, While she is still playing nice. One word from her and you will never see that child again. Just remember that.