NU42 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Here is my situation........ I'm a trial attorney. I'm the managing partner of my firm. My friends wives call me a compassionate alpha male. I'm successful, I'm told I'm handsome and I live an exciting life. My ex is Sloane. I have worked in the same firm with this beautiful woman for 11 years. We've always been the best of friends, confidants, almost like husband and wife at the office. We worked together, ate together, exercised together, finished each other's sentences, ect. She is beautiful ....and smart. Neither of us was married. However, she had two young children from a 9 year relationship with her longtime boyfriend, Teddy, who, in a nutshell, is a bad guy. Some women like "bad boys", but Teddy is not the so-called "bad boy" women would find attractive. He's a slob. He's an alcoholic; drug user; and a video game addict with anger issues. She'd been with this guy for 9 years; they lived together; and she supported him because he's always been unemployed. 2 years ago, Sloane and I brushed up against each other in the office kitchen and started to kiss passionately. Within a week or two, our relationship becamse physically and emotionally intense. She kicked Teddy out of the house and he moved into an apartment a few miles away. Our relationship was very intense for a year. We had great emotional and physical chemistry. We talked about marriage and having kids. I loved her boys and would have raised them as my own. I met and became very close to her sisters and her friends. However, her parents were both alcoholics and drug users. Her childhoold was very chaotic. As we were dating and getting closer to marriage, Teddy was drinking himself into a stupor and threatening to harm himself. Frankly, I was worried for this guy. And I knew it was bothering Sloane, not only because she told me she was feeling guilty about it, but also because she seemed to be withdrawing a bit. Her parents were alcoholics. This guy is an alcoholic. Anyway, last May, just two weeks after taking me to see her grandmother to get her blessing for marriage, Sloane said she couldn't go through with it. In tears, she said she felt obligated to get back together with this guy, in part for the kids, in part because he'd been with her for 9 years, in part because she would feel guilty if she didn't pull him out of the gutter. So she brok up with me ...in tears ....and this guy moved back into her house shortly thereafter. Anyway, to make matters more complicated, when she ended it, she made it clear that she loves me ....and that we're soul-mates. I know, I know, I know. She may have said that to ease her guilt and/or let me down easy. She may have been full of ****, controlling, manipulating. Who knows? Inside, I was devastated. However, I responded by simply letting her go. I went NO CONTACT which was very difficult because I am the managing partner of my firm and she works here. In a nutshell, I only talked to her about business, nothing personal. Intially, it was difficult. However, it eventuall became easy for me because I didn't care anymore. Don't get me wrong, I will always love her. However, I wasn't going to worry about something that obviously wasn't meant to be. Over the course of the last 10 months, she has played this push/pull game with me. At first, it bothered me. However, over time, it just made me laugh. She is living with with this loser of a guy, but tells me that she loves me whenever she can. About 4 months ago, with a smile on my face, I told her she's wasting her time with the "love" talk and that I have moved on. NOTE: She knows I'm dating.....and she hates it. Her sisters, who love me and still talk to me, say Teddy has begged her to marry him, but she won't do it. Teddy also asked her to find a different job because he doesn't want her working with me, but she refuses to leave my firm. Her sisters also say she questions and regrets her decision every day. FYI: She recently said "I will always love you and still dream of being together someday. I just chuckled and changed the subject. However, my sources, who are reliable, are telling me that she apparently had a nervous breakdown a couple of weeks ago. She suddenly missed some time from work without much of an explanation. She is getting psychotherapy. So, candidly, I am worried about her. I still love her. I recognize that she may not be the one for me. Right now, she's still living with Teddy, but she keeps reaching out to me and I ignore it. She's in therapy for reasons directly or indirectly related to all of this. I may or may not have the option of giving her a second chance. As long as she's with Teddy, it's not an option, but I am worried that I continue to reject and ignore somebody who is reaching out to me and apparently is really struggling with it. So here are my questions: 1) She has always told me that she got back together with Teddy because of pity, not love. Is that even possible? Even if it is possible, I'm not sure I would believe it, but I guess I need to know. 2) Is it possible that feelings of guilt or pity would cause her to walk away from me even when she was in love with me? Even if it's possible, I'm not sure I want to believe it, but I guess I need to know. 3) If she and her sisters (who love me) are truthful when they say she regrets her decision and feels trapped, should I open my heart and mind to the possibility that we may be together someday? 4) Or should I simply continue to be an aloof alpha male who doesn't care? Of course, that requires some pretending. Thanks to everybody for your help !
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