Under_the_Radar Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I know that this is similar to another post, but how do you get past this? About a month and half ago, I said one thing, ONE THING, that hurt the wife to the core. Not going to go into detail, but how are the BOTH of you supposed to get past it when the wife keeps bringing it up? I am sure that it hurt, but in order for me to FIX it and help the healing, it needs to stop being brought up in anger. Is there anything else that I can say or do? Very frustrated...........
Philosoraptor Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Empathize with her feelings and give her time.
xxoo Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I am sure that it hurt, but in order for me to FIX it and help the healing, it needs to stop being brought up in anger. Is there anything else that I can say or do? Accept her waves of anger. Let them roll through and pass. Accept that it will take time or the anger to dissipate completely. Is she expressing her anger inappropriately? Does she understand why you said what you said? Where the hurtful comment came from, and why?
JazzyFox Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Well, I think it depends on what you said. If you attacked one of her deep insecurities, then you have a lot of patching up to do. Whatever it was that you said - do you believe it to have been the truth? - are you trying to "patch" things up by denying the truth that you spurted out in a moment of anger? - are you just sorry you hurt her? IF what you said was true, and you wish you hadn't because it hurt her feelings ... then I would say: own up to it, tell her that it was (ie. dont deny) what you think, but then put things in perspective and tell her that it doesnt bother you OR ask her for her help in working something out together to avoid whatever insult you threw at her IF what you said was not true, and you only did it to anger and hurt her, then tell her that, tell her how you are feeling, tell her why you felt the need to resort to a "cheap shot". Whatever your choice of path, stay consistent, keep reminding her how you feel about her. And, in the quiet of a dark room, when you are alone, ask yourself: why did you do it? and what will prevent you from doing it again?
JazzyFox Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 By the way, I hope you didnt attack her saggy breasts?
Author Under_the_Radar Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Accept her waves of anger. Let them roll through and pass. Accept that it will take time or the anger to dissipate completely. Is she expressing her anger inappropriately? Does she understand why you said what you said? Where the hurtful comment came from, and why? She understands why I said what I said and where it came from. She keeps saying that it is going to take a LONG time to get over. I understand that, but I feel like I take one step forward in the 'healing' process, then she will bring it up in anger, i.e. something that I did or said during the day, then I am two steps back.
Author Under_the_Radar Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 By the way, I hope you didnt attack her saggy breasts? Thanks..........
Author Under_the_Radar Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Well, I think it depends on what you said. If you attacked one of her deep insecurities, then you have a lot of patching up to do. Whatever it was that you said - do you believe it to have been the truth? - are you trying to "patch" things up by denying the truth that you spurted out in a moment of anger? - are you just sorry you hurt her? IF what you said was true, and you wish you hadn't because it hurt her feelings ... then I would say: own up to it, tell her that it was (ie. dont deny) what you think, but then put things in perspective and tell her that it doesnt bother you OR ask her for her help in working something out together to avoid whatever insult you threw at her IF what you said was not true, and you only did it to anger and hurt her, then tell her that, tell her how you are feeling, tell her why you felt the need to resort to a "cheap shot". Whatever your choice of path, stay consistent, keep reminding her how you feel about her. And, in the quiet of a dark room, when you are alone, ask yourself: why did you do it? and what will prevent you from doing it again? Not wanting to say too much, but there were 'signs' of something going on. Unfortunately for me, the 'signs' were not true. I have tried, Lord I have tried to stay consistent in my sayings and my actions, but it has been really tough. We have NEVER been through anything like this at all! I tell her every day how I feel about her and she knows that. I would not be financing cosmetic surgery if I didn't love her!!
xxoo Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 She understands why I said what I said and where it came from. She keeps saying that it is going to take a LONG time to get over. I understand that, but I feel like I take one step forward in the 'healing' process, then she will bring it up in anger, i.e. something that I did or said during the day, then I am two steps back. It sounds like something you did or said triggered her, and brought up the hurt. Like the comment was salt in an unhealed wound. Do you understand how and why the comments trigger her?
Author Under_the_Radar Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 It sounds like something you did or said triggered her, and brought up the hurt. Like the comment was salt in an unhealed wound. Do you understand how and why the comments trigger her? I do and did....................I have NOT brought that episode back up whatsoever. She is the one that keeps bringing it up. How does she expect 'US' to move on from this if she KEEPS bringing it up? Not asking her to forget, not even asking for forgiveness (even though she has given it)..........the last couple of days it has been brought up, I feel, as a reminder to me. I feel like, at times, she has her foot on my throat and is not going to let up until she gets some satisfaction. Pretty frustrated!!
xxoo Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 .the last couple of days it has been brought up, I feel, as a reminder to me. I feel like, at times, she has her foot on my throat and is not going to let up until she gets some satisfaction. What kind of satisfaction? I think she brings it up when she feels pain. It may be frustrating to you, but her pain is still ongoing. What would you suggest she do differently when she feels that pain? 1
2sunny Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Since you caused her pain - you need to take corrective measures! That means answering ANYTHING and EVERYTHING she wants to know - answer with HONESTY! Then take action to repair the damage YOU caused. Own it. Repair it. IF that doesn't set things right - then know its hers and you can't do anything to fix her... That part needs to come from within HER! But first YOU must DO your part.
Author Under_the_Radar Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 What kind of satisfaction? I think she brings it up when she feels pain. It may be frustrating to you, but her pain is still ongoing. What would you suggest she do differently when she feels that pain? I see your point. I have NEVER been quick to anger with my wife but over the last couple of months that has changed. I KNOW there is nothing going on. She ALWAYS has a least one child with her wherever she goes (unless people who do this kind of thing have nurseries set up Lol). Unfortunately, went to DR Google and he told me there was something going on............should have talked to the wife first. I know that now .
2sunny Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 The "signs" - was it evidence of her/your cheating? I see you have a boob job scheduled for her - I caution you about what this COULD mean or bring... Also - there's times where "overcompensating" comes into play to reward or make up for bad behavior. Think about why that surgery needs to be done now... Does it?
2sunny Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I used to have a neighbor - who would drop off her child for "play time" - only to find out that she used this time to have sex with her lover boy. Needless to say - I didn't watch her kid while she went for a romp anymore after I found out her truth. The fact that now, after all this time, your W wants her boobs done - is very telling. So is her "over reaction" to questioning her. Start digging! You need to find out what is REALLY happening! Sick with evidence! Check her phone (bill) and computer! Any frequent contact with new numbers/communication? Check her Facebook acct - especially in the messages area... Wen there's nothing to hide = people hide nothing! IF she's all innocent - she won't mind SHOWING you anything and everything you ask to SEE! Look for inconsistencies... Sick with evidence.
2sunny Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I see your point. I have NEVER been quick to anger with my wife but over the last couple of months that has changed. I KNOW there is nothing going on. She ALWAYS has a least one child with her wherever she goes (unless people who do this kind of thing have nurseries set up Lol). Unfortunately, went to DR Google and he told me there was something going on............should have talked to the wife first. I know that now . I know many men and women who seem to " have child in tow" but find ways to blatantly cheat - even when the child is present. Don't be so naive.
JazzyFox Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Well Under_Radar, I am disappointed by what I read here. You accuse her of cheating on you, you base it on research provided by Dr. Google (what does that even mean? ), you then apologize for being wrong, and then get angry because she won't let it go, then you want to pay for a boob job and are worried that she might attract other guys and why does she need to do it in the first place, then you are still angry with her for not forgiving you (although some of your posts contradict this) ... its all very confusing. No wonder your wife is pushing your buttons. You just have too many buttons to push. Now you could just go adamant's way and assume she is cheating (come on, adamant, can't you be more creative??? ) and that she just wants you to invest in her boobs so that she can be more attractive in the meat-market ... but I say that all of this is a bit more complicated. Trust is a two-way street. If my husband were to accuse me of cheating on him, and/or have an affair, I would be angry and hurt for a long time. Angry because I gave him no reason to be suspicious. Hurt because I would assume that if he is suspicious ... it is probably because he is engaging in suspicious behaviour and is on a high-alert for anything to shift the blame to me. Now this is not to say that my husband is not a little afraid of losing me (if I were to dig deep down into his subconcious). He is. And that is healthy. It's also somewhat attractive because it pushes him to be just a little more attentive and not take me for granted. But the line between these two levels of insecurities is as wide as the grand canyon. You, my friend, are on the wrong side. And your wife is right to be angry. I think that in these circumstances, the boob job should be out of discussion. It forces me to question your motives, and hers. And if she really wants it, let her pay for it. Her body, her money.
xxoo Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I see your point. I have NEVER been quick to anger with my wife but over the last couple of months that has changed. Radar, it sounds like some marriage counseling is in order. Things are not right in your home. Now is not a good time for big decisions, like spending thousands on elective cosmetic surgery. 1. you don't really know if you trust her or not. that is clear. 2. she is very angry and/or defensive, for several weeks now 3. you are getting angry with her more than you historically have 4. you two aren't making good progress with this issue on your own Get some counseling together, and get to the core issues. 3
frozensprouts Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Marriage counseling is worse than useless when one of the spouses is cheating. They just lie and blame shift and get the counselor to gang up on the betrayed spouse. She's probably too chummy with some male acquaintance, co-employee, someone at the church, friend, or family member....lots of chatting, txting, phone calls, e-mails...closes up her computer screen when OP walks by....she's secretive....He's "just a friend".... She won't give full access & passwords to all accounts, saying "I have a RIGHT to my PRIVACY!!!! You CAN'T CONTROL ME!!!!" It could even be someone very close--OP's best friend; or his wife's best friend's husband, or brother, or father....Cheaters like to keep it "all in the family".... When women like OP's wife have a mid life crisis or exit affair, they persuade themselves they've fallen "in love" with their affair partner and "not in love" with their husband.... ....they cut off the physical and emotional intimacy because they feel like having sex and love with their husband is "cheating" on their affair partner... With the degree of tension over several weeks and wife's anger as described by OP, I'll bet they're not having sex either....she's cut you off, right, OP?...you think giving her the boob job is a way of catering to her....being a doormat....all new boobs will do is facilitate her affair. You have to take the OPPOSITE approach if you want to save your marriage, and if you don't believe it's in serious trouble, you're fooling yourself. You tell your wife--"Listen my concerns were legitimate in my opinion. Your behavior is unacceptable to me for such and such reasons. You're getting too close to [suspected affair partner's name]. It's interfering with our marriage which must come first. I insist you have NO contact whatsoever with [suspected affair partner's name]. I insist on total transparency--all your emails and passwords and of course you can have mine as well. "I'm sorry you're upset but it wasn't my intent to upset you. But you've taken it too far and all this anger by you makes me think that maybe there is more to this than you're admitting. But you have to stop being emotionally abusive to me, immediately. If you have concerns you are to express them in a calm, rational manner. We will address them in the same way. This is about your behavior which is unexplained. I will not allow you to blame me for the problems in our marriage. We will work on them together but we can't do that as long as there is any chance of someone else being involved in our marriage, even if that's just a close friendship and not sexual. And no, I do not agree to your boob job. It's too expensive, I am happy with you just the way you are, and I think our relationship needs to be more centered before we even consider it again. If you have issues concerning your body image you should talk to a therapist before getting surgery. I can't stop you from getting a boob job against my wishes, but I'm not going to pay for it and I won't facilitate it." Her head should be exploding by now but too bad. It's time for you to lay down the law in your house and stop being a doormat with his wife's "foot on your neck" as you so elegantly put it. while I agree with some of what you are saying, ( why shouldn't they share passwords if it relieves some of his anxiety), if he is wrong, and it turns out that there really was nothing going on and nothing to hide, the I would suggest that the OP should get some individual counseling, as well as some marital counseling too. Remember...we are only hearing his side. It can't be helped, but if she was to give her side, then we may be hearing a vastly different story than the one his is portraying....like the saying goes...there's his side, her side and, somewhere in the middle, the truth I do feel for this woman...she's had seven kids, and it sounds like she had them during a 15-20 year period. This means that she's either been pregnant or nursing a baby continuously for all that time. She may well feel that she's just a "mom" and wants to feel like a "woman" again ( but this does not condone cheating, either emotionaly or physically)
JazzyFox Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 When women like OP's wife have a mid life crisis or exit affair, they persuade themselves they've fallen "in love" with their affair partner and "not in love" with their husband.... ....they cut off the physical and emotional intimacy because they feel like having sex and love with their husband is "cheating" on their affair partner... With the degree of tension over several weeks and wife's anger as described by OP, I'll bet they're not having sex either....she's cut you off, right, OP?...you think giving her the boob job is a way of catering to her....being a doormat....all new boobs will do is facilitate her affair. Hey, adamant, did I miss something? Did the OP say that his wife was no longer "IN LOVE" with him? I don't remember that. Anyways, to counter your argument ... If I was guilty of something bad, and my husband suspected it, and if I was able to deflect his suspicious ... THE LAST THING I would do is keep reminding him of how he didn't trust me and suspected me of wrongdoing. In fact, what I would do, is completely sweep this suspicious under the carpet, and never mention it again. It would put me in "cold sweats" just thinking about how close I cam to being "found out". So, I would definitely never mention it to my husband, just in case I let something slip inadvertently. That being said, I am curious, Under_Radar, has she stopped having sex with you? 1
Saxis Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I know many men and women who seem to " have child in tow" but find ways to blatantly cheat - even when the child is present. Don't be so naive. Yep... I know people who have done this. She'd take the kid "grocery shopping", they'd park next to each other there, put a movie on for the kid in one vehicle while they humped in the other. Surprising how many people have no shame for using their kids as a "cover" like this...
frozensprouts Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 No I'll leave the fictional stuff including the "it was all just a bad dream, and then I woke up" to yourself. OP's wife is cheating. 100% certain. That's just the point. Your husband didn't accuse you because you weren't cheating on him. He had no reason to accuse you. Knowing nothing else about you, if your husband accused you of cheating, and you reacted the same way OP's wife has reacted to it, I would conclude you were cheating, too. OP's wife reaction is not that of an innocent spouse who loves her husband. It's the reaction of someone who is cheating, got caught with less than solid evidence, and is strongly counter attacking to gaslight and blame shift. or, it could be the exact opposite... maybe he gave her good reason, in the past, to think he was cheating , but she trusted him. Now look how he's treating her ( not saying this is what's going on, but it is a possibility and the OP needs to be really honest with himself and review their relationship. Was there ever a time she was suspicious but showed trust? Did he ever give her a reason to be suspicious? Not saying he did, but, again there are two sides here, and jumping to conclusions without knowing the full story is dangerous)
Author Under_the_Radar Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Radar, it sounds like some marriage counseling is in order. Things are not right in your home. Now is not a good time for big decisions, like spending thousands on elective cosmetic surgery. 1. you don't really know if you trust her or not. that is clear. 2. she is very angry and/or defensive, for several weeks now 3. you are getting angry with her more than you historically have 4. you two aren't making good progress with this issue on your own Get some counseling together, and get to the core issues. I AM currently seeing a counselor and he has been great for me. She refuses to go because apparently this is ALL my fault. Maybe it is. Don't know. All I know, again, is that there were some signs there. That's all I am saying. She has given NO definitive proof, other than her word, that nothing was going on. At this point in time, I have to believe. She never goes out at night, if she does, it is usually with me or the kids to one of their political events. During the day, she usually has at least one kid in tow, etc., etc. It has been drilled into my head my ENTIRE life to trust your gut. Right now, it appears, that my gut was not right..............hence the pickle that I am in.
Author Under_the_Radar Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Hey, adamant, did I miss something? Did the OP say that his wife was no longer "IN LOVE" with him? I don't remember that. Anyways, to counter your argument ... If I was guilty of something bad, and my husband suspected it, and if I was able to deflect his suspicious ... THE LAST THING I would do is keep reminding him of how he didn't trust me and suspected me of wrongdoing. In fact, what I would do, is completely sweep this suspicious under the carpet, and never mention it again. It would put me in "cold sweats" just thinking about how close I cam to being "found out". So, I would definitely never mention it to my husband, just in case I let something slip inadvertently. That being said, I am curious, Under_Radar, has she stopped having sex with you? My wife has never said that she is not in love with me. Even though she is incredibly pissed right now, the sex has NOT dropped off (maybe just a hair) and she STILL says she loves me............numerous times a day.
Author Under_the_Radar Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 while I agree with some of what you are saying, ( why shouldn't they share passwords if it relieves some of his anxiety), if he is wrong, and it turns out that there really was nothing going on and nothing to hide, the I would suggest that the OP should get some individual counseling, as well as some marital counseling too. Remember...we are only hearing his side. It can't be helped, but if she was to give her side, then we may be hearing a vastly different story than the one his is portraying....like the saying goes...there's his side, her side and, somewhere in the middle, the truth I do feel for this woman...she's had seven kids, and it sounds like she had them during a 15-20 year period. This means that she's either been pregnant or nursing a baby continuously for all that time. She may well feel that she's just a "mom" and wants to feel like a "woman" again ( but this does not condone cheating, either emotionaly or physically) I am going through individual counseling right now. And you almost quoted word for word what she has told me several times after the insinuation.........she has been nursing or pregnant for almost 17 years........she is ready to move on with the rest of her life. But...........the change in attitude, dress, sex, etc., etc., was WAY over the top.........something I was not used to.
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