Thatguyintx Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 So, when I face a breakup, I immediately take anything that is out in the open from the relationship and get rid of it. Gifts, clothes, pictures, mementos all find their way out of the house. I once got rid of a chair because it reminded me of the ex too much. It was her favorite chair to just lounge in. Every time I looked at it, it reminded me of her. Usually, there will be some holdover that I hang onto for a time. Emails, pictures online, and random things I run across after the initial purge. Once I get rid of those holdover items, I am done. It usually takes some time to get there. This time, it only took a week. (Two months of crummy relationship gave me time to see the end coming though.) This morning i performed the secondary purge. In one sense, I feel relief and a sense that this was the right thing to do. In another sense, I have a bit of nostalgia. How do you handle the items from the relationship?
Philosoraptor Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I got rid of some clothes that I wore especially for her. Momentos and such I have in my attic in a box.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I tore up all his letters, cards and notes. I put them in a box, together with all his gifts and his parent's and brother's gifts. I left the box at his place as I was moving out. It was up to him to throw it away or sell his gifts on Ebay or something. It sucks that you can't do the same about the places...
youngster Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 My ex liked to wear ALL of my clothes, so it would be an expensive purge for me I usually box everything up and store it away. After I'm strong enough I just toss it. It really doesn't help me because there are things that will remind me of her that are out of my control.
Ajax Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 My real purge came about four months after the breakup, the point I realized she was never coming back. When she first dumped me I put everything away but saved it. I rearranged all the furniture in the apartment that she'd helped me move into a month before. And for those four month wallowed in misery. Then when I did the purge I thought I was unrelenting. Burned pictures, letters, memorabilia. I took the key to her townhouse to the bay on the lake which was frozen over, walked out on it and chucked it as far as I could. It was all pretty melodramatic, but I figured if she ever did ask for it back she could go find it herself. I think the psychological purge is more important, but that getting rid of the material stuff aids in that. The problem I ran into is that I hadn't done a thorough job of it, and every once in a while I'd come across something that would hit me in the gut. Now when I come across something though it doesn't bother me, and sometimes even makes me smile.
jus d'orange Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I just put the non-essential reminders out of sight-- letters, pictures, postcards, trinkets, gifts, stuffed animal -- all into a box in the closet the very next day. I haven't felt any anger or resentment toward her, and so I had no desire to destroy any of these things. I just wanted to put them away as a finished chapter of my life, out of sight. I haven't deleted pictures of us together on my computer, just put them in a special folder so I won't run across them accidentally. This I did a couple weeks later, when it occurred to me. There are still pictures of us on my phone; it's too much bother for me to sort through all of them, so I just try not to look at them for the time being. A few clothing items that were gifts from her, or her favorite things to wear... I haven't found them to be difficult reminders. I still wear them. Strangely enough, I find that thinking of her curling in my recliner chair, wearing that sweatshirt, playing guitar doesn't make me sad necessarily, but can actually bring a smile to my face. Even though we're not together anymore, she's still a truly wonderful person, and I am glad that I was with her, despite the pain of being without her now. As a result, I wanted to make sure that, once my heart has moved on enough to stop feeling the longing and pain, I can still have mementos of an important and wonderful chapter of my life. In addition, if she and I were to reunite, even a long time from now, I think I'd still like to have these reminders of our first relationship. I also wonder what she has done with my cards and gifts to her. I gave her some jewelry that was her absolute favorite; things I picked out from travels I had made far away. I would be surprised if she didn't put them away for a while, but I'm sure she won't get rid of them entirely. Also... she has my first guitar. I don't play anymore, so I gave it to her when she was starting out and couldn't afford one herself. At the time, because we were so confident in our longevity, it seemed like nothing. I wonder now what she thinks of doing with the guitar... will she try to send it back? We're NC and we didn't discuss anything like that before the break-up. Frankly, I'd rather her keep the guitar than go to a bunch of trouble getting it back to me. Besides, I know she'll make better use of it than I will. I suppose, too, that this process was easier for me because it had always been an LDR. We didn't have to divide shared possessions or split an apartment; I imagine that would be really, really hard to do. I think that, ultimately, how you handle the purging of "stuff" depends on the context of the relationship and the break-up. I wouldn't let emotions get out of check with the whole thing, because I know if I had done something sadistic with the bear she gave me a few years ago, I would now regret it. Nevertheless, after a bad breakup where the person is definitely gone and you're glad, I could see the catharsis of being able to simply throw away emotionally trapping objects being huge. I guess there's a sense of taking control back, too. Really good question.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Oh yeah, I purged. I had to, it was instinctive, for survival. She helped me rearrange my apt, buy things to improve the look of my apt. When I knew it was over, I had to get rid of ALL that, and re-rearrange my apt back to the way it was before her. Then I went on an ebay selling purge. I bought a bunch of stuff to do camera work and editing while I was with her, camera, macpro, lighting, got rid of all that on ebay. I even sold stuff I bought before her that I knew I wasnt going to use anymore. I wound up with a damn near empty apt, but I needed to rewind the clock back to before I met her. I had to get rid of stuff that I couldnt look at. Made alot of money on the stuff. What I do now to prevent this from happening again, I dont buy stuff with anyone that Im not marrying, so it doesnt bring bad feelings in case of a breakup.
jus d'orange Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 She helped me rearrange my apt, buy things to improve the look of my apt. When I knew it was over, I had to get rid of ALL that, and re-rearrange my apt back to the way it was before her. I totally forgot about that. My ex rearranged my room when she first saw my new apartment. I'd resisted the idea, so she waited until I was out for a few hours... She thought I would be angry about it, but she was right. The room was totally better this way. For that reason, I don't think I'd wanna change it back. I suppose, because I think it was an improvement, changing it would somehow seem silly to me, like trying to rid the positive influences she had on my life, just because she left me. I wanna keep the good she did for me, you know?
Numb79 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I too did purging within the first week of the break up. Cards, letters, momentos and things of that nature were all given to a friend of mine for keeping. I informed them that I would let them know if I ever wanted it back..... if after a certain time I didn't ask for them, they are to just throw it away. I am not sure of the purging even helps because its the memories that haunts me. I was in a LDR for 5 yrs and you would think that it would be easy because we did not spend alot of physical time together. It actually isn't... Its as if my brain has snapshots of times we spent together and there are times I struggle to turn it off. The weird thing is that most people have problems with it at night. I am the opposite.... I have no problem falling asleep. I do have a problem with sleeping the entire night through. I find myself waking at odd hours and my mind just goes all over the place. I basically wake up in a panic, not knowing what to do. Calling and texting anyone who is willing to hear me out. Everyone is usually asleep and it makes me feel really alone. Does anyone else experience this? How are you handling the situation?
Ross MwcFan Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) I can't understand how anyone could get rid of photographs and letters, unless the person you broke up with was bad towards you. There's just no way I could ever have the heart to destroy/get rid precious memories, even if seeing the stuff hurt me, I would just put it away somewhere instead. Edited February 23, 2012 by Ross MwcFan 1
Philosoraptor Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I can't understand how anyone could get rid of photographs and letters, unless the person you broke up with was bad towards you. It's one path to healing. I wouldn't ditch photos because they are still my history, whether or not that person is still around.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I deleted all our photos from FB (there were hundreds) but didn't delete them from my computer. I don't look at them, but they are memories of another life. I will go through them in time.
lovelylashes Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I ripped up photographs, letters, cinema tickets, it all went in the bin. His stuff, his valentines/ birthday presents to me. I just wanted all trace of him gone. It didnt stop me thinking of him but it made me feel better at the time.
Ross MwcFan Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I ripped up photographs, letters, cinema tickets, it all went in the bin. His stuff, his valentines/ birthday presents to me. I just wanted all trace of him gone. It didnt stop me thinking of him but it made me feel better at the time. Sounds like you hated him. What did he do?
lovelylashes Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Sounds like you hated him. What did he do? I didnt hate him at first. it was the opposite, i was still in love an thought by getting rid of anything that reminded me of him, i would stop thinking of him. Foolish to think that i know. I still dont hate him. I dislike the person he has become an i feel sorry for him at times.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Sounds like you hated him. What did he do? Its not hate, you just need to do that to cut all bonds, to keep from holding on to what isnt happening anymore. part of the healing and moving on process.
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