rootless Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 It's been a while since I posted, and almost a year exactly since my breakup. I'm honestly kind of sick of hearing myself recount my sob-story, but this week threw me for a GIGANTIC loop. The ultra-condensed version is that I fell in love with the wrong girl. She's fundamentally a wonderful, decent, extremely charismatic human being, but that girl is hard-wired to RUN. It's just who she is. She's ridiculously charming, unfairly attractive, and an otherwise amazing person... but she CANNOT be intimate, or open with men. She honestly tries, and there's a TON to love about her, but at the end of the day, she's just not capable of talking about her feelings. And I din't figure that out until the second time she dumped me. I'm a little slow, sometimes. Anyway, her leaving me twice played into every insecurity and fear of abandonment I have -- which, if I'm honest, were my contributions to our breakups. Since January of last year, I've gone hard-core, balls-to-the-wall No Contact. And it was HARD. I was unbelievably in love with this woman. I wanted to marry her-- and I'm not a guy who throws that statement around. But, the way she left me the second time was just indescribably insensitive and lazy, and despite all my self-esteem issues, something in me finally clicked and I knew I had had enough. I stood up, walked out, and for the most part, severed all ties with her. No stalking. No pleading. No checking in with her friends. None of that. And that was a HUGE accomplishment for me. A.) Because I really loved her, and B.) I normally have ENORMOUS difficulty letting things go. I'm loyal to an absolute fault, and in the past, have stuck around in embarrassingly unhealthy, border-line abusive situations simply because I thought I couldn't do any better. But not this time. I grew a pair. So... During the year since our breakup, she's made several efforts to contact me-- all fairly passive-aggressive, all *completely* non-committal. Empty text messages, changing her picture on Facebook, a totally half-assed apology 5 months after she bailed... that kind of thing. And with each effort, I felt forced to take further steps to remove her from my life-- deleting her phone number, blocking on social networks, etc. She never stalked me, or harassed me overtly, but she definitely didn't ever fully respect my requests for her to let me go. Every couple months, or so, she'd make some tiny, passive gesture to check up on me. And I felt bad ignoring her -- but I knew it was bad news. I loved her. And none of her actions showed that she was willing to risk any kind of real intimacy, or honestly, or forge even a normal, reciprocal friendship. My genuine gut instinct is that she just wasn't used to being ignored. It didn't even matter that it was me, I don't think. I honestly think that she just couldn't figure out why a man -- any man, but me, in particular -- wouldn't swallow her boilerplate apology, hold her accountable for nothing, forgive all her crappy behavior, and happily assume their rightful place in the "friend zone". It sounds awful to say that, but I truly think that's what was goin' on in her head. Through all that I responded only once, to tell her I loved her, that I wished her nothing but happiness, but she needed to leave me alone. I simply cared about her too much, and was too hurt to pursue any kind of contact with her. I just couldn't settle for being her friend, as much as I missed her. And further, I couldn't rationalize maintaining a relationship with someone who had proven conclusively, that she didn't care enough about me to treat me with compassion and respect. Again -- this was a BIG deal for me. I have real problems walking away in these situations. Thankfully, she backed off... to an extent. As a guy who earns his living on the Internet, I check my web stats pretty often to see where my traffic is coming from, which advertisements are working, etc. ... And sure enough, she checks my website about 3 times a week. To be honest-- this bothers me A LOT. Normally, I wouldn't care, but in light of how callous her dismissal was, it annoys me to no end that she feels AT ALL entitled to share in my life. Even if it's something as trivial as checking my website. And now I'll get to the point! ... SORRY, guys! This Valentine's Day, I noticed she had visited 5 times in one day. And despite EVERY scrap of better judgement I possess, I was an idiot and checked her Facebook page. After a YEAR of no contact. And lo and behold -- she's just gotten engaged. Some dude proposed to her just before Valentine's. And just like that, my heart just sunk. DEVASTATED. Like I was dumped yesterday -- despite all my progress, all my hard work. I just collapsed to the floor and cried for hours. So my question, basically, is WTF?!?!?!? a.) Why did I give in after so long? b.) Who the f**k agrees to marry some guy and then spends two hours on their ex-boyfriend's website the next day, on VALENTINE'S? and c.) What does any of this mean? Ugh-- it's just unbelievably frustrating, all the way around. I'm disappointed with myself for giving in to my curiosity. I'm pissed that she still find ways to weasel herself into my head. And I'm utterly CRUSHED that less than a year after our break-up, she's getting engaged. So, so deflating. I just don't know what to make of it. Any thoughts, guys?
Thatguyintx Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I can very much relate to your story. I also was involved with a very emotionally unavailable woman. Beautiful, smart, and successful, but unable to work through issues. Her ex had cheated on her many times and I always assumed that was all his fault. Now, I see it a little bit differently. She would leave him emotionally stranded and he was looking for love. I don't condone cheating, but i know how it happened in this case. Now to your setback. I bet you will realize the setback isn't as bad as it seems. You will recover faster. It will be a flash in the pan. I had the same setback in a previous broken relationship. Very bothered when I found she was engaged. Hurt for a few days and then it was no big deal. It was the final rip of the attachment and then there was nothing left. Stay strong. Very proud of the way you have regained your self esteem. Hoping I can do the same from this most previous breakup.
Mr Scorpio Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I would guess that you gave in after so long for the reasons you've already stated: you were unbelievably in love with the woman and wanted to marry her, you have problems walking away from situations like these, and you're a little slow sometimes. As for the question of who gets engaged only to spend hours on their ex's website, I don't know. What does your website cater to? I mean, if my ex had a website with videos of puppies riding waterslides while shooting bottle rockets from their mouths I might visit it a few times a day no matter how shallow and cold my ex was. 2
Sugarkane Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 If she's really completely over you, why is age checking your sure everyday?!
stitch702 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I think it is your ego that is bruised. The fact that she was trying to contact you, checked your website, etc...really boosted your morale a bit. Perhaps deep in your mind whether you want to admit it or not you wanted her to realize what she had lost...now that you find out she is engaged you took a big hit to your ego. Just understand the fact that she tried to apologize many times, checked your website several times, etc doens't necessarily mean that she regret that both of you were broken up. Perhaps she regretted at the way you guys broke up, but not that you two are not together anymore. Just be happy for her and wish her the best...you too will find the "right" girl for you someday
Million.to.1 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 OP, you have a really, REALLY nice style of writing. I hope you know that. I agree that you will get over this revelation much easier this time around. You have done amazing and Mr Scorpio is right, you know the reasons why you feel the way you do. You said so yourself. It's ok though. We are all human. I think it is okay to allow yourself to love someone and know that you cannot be with them. It's tough, but life partnerships are work, and you need to be with someone who you know you can work with. Someone who makes your life easier. And she's not it. Live, love and let go.
petal28 Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 It's been a while since I posted, and almost a year exactly since my breakup. I'm honestly kind of sick of hearing myself recount my sob-story, but this week threw me for a GIGANTIC loop. The ultra-condensed version is that I fell in love with the wrong girl. She's fundamentally a wonderful, decent, extremely charismatic human being, but that girl is hard-wired to RUN. It's just who she is. She's ridiculously charming, unfairly attractive, and an otherwise amazing person... but she CANNOT be intimate, or open with men. She honestly tries, and there's a TON to love about her, but at the end of the day, she's just not capable of talking about her feelings. And I din't figure that out until the second time she dumped me. I'm a little slow, sometimes. Anyway, her leaving me twice played into every insecurity and fear of abandonment I have -- which, if I'm honest, were my contributions to our breakups. Since January of last year, I've gone hard-core, balls-to-the-wall No Contact. And it was HARD. I was unbelievably in love with this woman. I wanted to marry her-- and I'm not a guy who throws that statement around. But, the way she left me the second time was just indescribably insensitive and lazy, and despite all my self-esteem issues, something in me finally clicked and I knew I had had enough. I stood up, walked out, and for the most part, severed all ties with her. No stalking. No pleading. No checking in with her friends. None of that. And that was a HUGE accomplishment for me. A.) Because I really loved her, and B.) I normally have ENORMOUS difficulty letting things go. I'm loyal to an absolute fault, and in the past, have stuck around in embarrassingly unhealthy, border-line abusive situations simply because I thought I couldn't do any better. But not this time. I grew a pair. So... During the year since our breakup, she's made several efforts to contact me-- all fairly passive-aggressive, all *completely* non-committal. Empty text messages, changing her picture on Facebook, a totally half-assed apology 5 months after she bailed... that kind of thing. And with each effort, I felt forced to take further steps to remove her from my life-- deleting her phone number, blocking on social networks, etc. She never stalked me, or harassed me overtly, but she definitely didn't ever fully respect my requests for her to let me go. Every couple months, or so, she'd make some tiny, passive gesture to check up on me. And I felt bad ignoring her -- but I knew it was bad news. I loved her. And none of her actions showed that she was willing to risk any kind of real intimacy, or honestly, or forge even a normal, reciprocal friendship. My genuine gut instinct is that she just wasn't used to being ignored. It didn't even matter that it was me, I don't think. I honestly think that she just couldn't figure out why a man -- any man, but me, in particular -- wouldn't swallow her boilerplate apology, hold her accountable for nothing, forgive all her crappy behavior, and happily assume their rightful place in the "friend zone". It sounds awful to say that, but I truly think that's what was goin' on in her head. Through all that I responded only once, to tell her I loved her, that I wished her nothing but happiness, but she needed to leave me alone. I simply cared about her too much, and was too hurt to pursue any kind of contact with her. I just couldn't settle for being her friend, as much as I missed her. And further, I couldn't rationalize maintaining a relationship with someone who had proven conclusively, that she didn't care enough about me to treat me with compassion and respect. Again -- this was a BIG deal for me. I have real problems walking away in these situations. Thankfully, she backed off... to an extent. As a guy who earns his living on the Internet, I check my web stats pretty often to see where my traffic is coming from, which advertisements are working, etc. ... And sure enough, she checks my website about 3 times a week. To be honest-- this bothers me A LOT. Normally, I wouldn't care, but in light of how callous her dismissal was, it annoys me to no end that she feels AT ALL entitled to share in my life. Even if it's something as trivial as checking my website. And now I'll get to the point! ... SORRY, guys! This Valentine's Day, I noticed she had visited 5 times in one day. And despite EVERY scrap of better judgement I possess, I was an idiot and checked her Facebook page. After a YEAR of no contact. And lo and behold -- she's just gotten engaged. Some dude proposed to her just before Valentine's. And just like that, my heart just sunk. DEVASTATED. Like I was dumped yesterday -- despite all my progress, all my hard work. I just collapsed to the floor and cried for hours. So my question, basically, is WTF?!?!?!? a.) Why did I give in after so long? b.) Who the f**k agrees to marry some guy and then spends two hours on their ex-boyfriend's website the next day, on VALENTINE'S? and c.) What does any of this mean? Ugh-- it's just unbelievably frustrating, all the way around. I'm disappointed with myself for giving in to my curiosity. I'm pissed that she still find ways to weasel herself into my head. And I'm utterly CRUSHED that less than a year after our break-up, she's getting engaged. So, so deflating. I just don't know what to make of it. Any thoughts, guys? I agree with million - you have a very nice way of writing things I dont have anything productive to cntribute but i just wanted to send you my virtual hugs. You are not alone in your loss and struggle. I am going through the stage right now where i guy i was totally into is now back on the dating scene and is flaunting it in my face. I have to watch him being charmed by girls and him charming girls
Author rootless Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 I can very much relate to your story. Thanks so much for the reply. While it's comforting to know that you can relate, I'm sorry that you're going through some tough times. It's just lousy. For whatever it's worth, you have my empathy and support. I know it's part of life, but it honestly breaks my heart when I hear about others in pain. Big hugs from me. As for the question of who gets engaged only to spend hours on their ex's website, I don't know. What does your website cater to? I mean, if my ex had a website with videos of puppies riding waterslides while shooting bottle rockets from their mouths I might visit it a few times a day no matter how shallow and cold my ex was. Thanks for the encouragement. I really appreciate it. As for her interest in my site-- I'm not sure. I try pretty hard *not* to speculate about her motives, but as a fairly analytical, sometimes obsessive person, it's difficult not to. I'm the kind of guy that likes to pour over details, and dissect everything, so this has presented a real challenge. I dunno... I try not to, but it's difficult not to come up with pet theories about why she's checking -- I work in motion-graphics, film, and graphic design, and I'm pretty good at it, so without sounding completely arrogant, I think basic entertainment plays in to it. My stuff's fun to watch and look at. And the reason it's so upsetting to me, is that I work REALLY hard at my job. And the fact that I invest so much effort into my work just makes it that more hurtful when she pops in, views it with no comment, and then pops out again. It may not be entirely rational, but it seems remarkably unfair for her to come around for the "good parts" when she's been so dismissive on the whole. I'm a human being -- not an a la carte menu. It absolutely sucks to be reduced and divided into "parts she likes" and "parts she doesn't". And when she visits, that's what it feels like -- like she's picking the fruit, and leaving the rind. To compound the romantic hurt, I'm extra-bummed about the timing. I was KICKING ASS, professionally. I had just left a job that was extraordinarily toxic and stifling, and started my own business. In my first two months on my own, I'm already making more money than I was in my old Creative Director position. And a short film I recently made had just gone viral, racking up like 100k views in a week-and-a-half, or something ridiculous like that. For the first time in about 11 months, I was legitimately happy. Not just okay. Not just surviving. I wasn't simply "enduring" my life without her -- I was flourishing. And to get slapped with that kind of shock immediately after achieving a little scrap of happiness that I fought tooth-and-nail to get really effected me. If she's really completely over you, why is age checking your sure everyday?! That's my question, too! I dunno -- again, I'm trying *very* hard not to dwell on it, but that's a TALL ORDER. I think there's probably several reasons: 1.) As I said before, I don't think she's used to being ignored. And I don't think she makes the connection that I've retreated from her as an act of self-preservation, and not out of spite, or malice. She's got a really weird competitive streak, and I think in some ways, she's probably confused and threatened a little by the fact that I've put up boundaries for her. I don't think she experiences that very often, if ever. I've always been a totally affectionate, emotionally-effusive person, and I think it probably really surprises/frustrates her that all of a sudden, I'm completely closed-off to her. In almost every aspect of my life, I wear my heart plainly on my sleeve -- I'm probably a little TOO in touch and outspoken with my feelings. And I think it freaks her out that I'm not that way with her anymore. 2.) Natural curiosity -- everyone feels compelled to see how figures from their past are doing. Granted, I've tried to fight that impulse completely with her, but I still have it. 3.) I think there's *some* element of genuine caring and attachment behind it. Unless she's a total robot, I don't think she's lost all feeling for me. We talked often about marriage and kids -- and that stuff leaves an impression, even if her feelings are comparatively more superficial and less intense than mine. 4.) I suspect there's probably a *tiny* *tiny* bit of "what if?" going through her head. One of the reasons I decided to go No-Contact was that she's always approached me with a hefty dose of ambiguity. Even when we were together, I sensed some ambivalence in her. She's an *extremely* guarded woman. She's been hurt a lot, and she's built-up some pretty huge walls around herself-- she tends to compartmentalize and avoid. So, I imagine I probably got "put in a box" when she broke up with me, and now that she's contemplating a future with someone else, she's most most likely peeking into all her "boxes" to reassure herself that she's made the right decision. I think it is your ego that is bruised. The fact that she was trying to contact you, checked your website, etc...really boosted your morale a bit. Of course my ego is bruised! Duh! I spent two years with this woman. She looked me dead in the eye and told me she wanted to have children with me. Repeatedly. And to be replaced in half that time? Who's ego wouldn't be bruised? As far as wanting her to be happy -- I admit, I'm conflicted about that. Part of me genuinely wants the best for her, and I do know without question that I always want her to be safe, and healthy, and loved. But at the same time -- I'm totally unable to show her that. That's a huge part of why this hurts so much. My natural impulses still compel me to tell her I love her, to hold her, to protect her. And I can't. It tears me up. OP, you have a really, REALLY nice style of writing. I hope you know that. Live, love and let go. Thanks, Million! That means a lot. The "let go" part is the one that gives me a hard time. Obviously. I agree with million - you have a very nice way of writing things I dont have anything productive to cntribute but i just wanted to send you my virtual hugs. Thank you so much! I dunno -- my rational mind knows that eventually, it'll get better. But right now-- MAN, this hurts. It hurts BAD.
marqueemoon4 Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Her loss broseph. Her new dude will learn in time that she is "unfairly" attractive and rest assured she'll use it against him. PM me a link to your short film if you wouldn't mind
Author rootless Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 Her loss broseph. Her new dude will learn in time that she is "unfairly" attractive and rest assured she'll use it against him. PM me a link to your short film if you wouldn't mind Thanks. Well, I'll be totally straight with you -- even under the cloak of anonymity, I don't want to speculate about how I think her new relationship will work out. Honestly, I just hope it doesn't end up the way her and I did -- for her sake, and for his. This recovery process has been brutal. I seriously wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. I'll send you the link.
Author rootless Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 PM me a link to your short film if you wouldn't mind Actually -- I'm not seeing the "send PM" icon. Hmmm. Don't know how to sort that out. Any tips?
marqueemoon4 Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Actually -- I'm not seeing the "send PM" icon. Hmmm. Don't know how to sort that out. Any tips? oh yea.. I guess you have to have a certain # of posts or been here for awhile to send PMs.. I'd tell you to post the link but not sure if thats a violation of the CoC.
Exit Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 This isn't the first thread I've read lately where I find myself thinking "did we date the same girl"? In this case, not only does your story remind me a lot of my ex, but you also remind me a lot of myself. I posted a coping thread not long ago where I said some very similar things. My ex is an awesome person, people are drawn to her, she gets along with everyone, she has incredible interests and hobbies, but when it comes to relationships, she struggles with the same things, a lack of true intimacy, and the tendency to run. It almost sounds illogical at first, but when you spend time reading about different personality types or even personality disorders, you come to realize it actually makes sense in a strange way. Sometimes the charming, charismatic people who walk into a room and draw everyone's attention, really struggle to do the one-on-one relationship thing. My ex is one of the coolest people I've ever met, and if she could actually manage to have an intimate, mature relationship with communication, I'd be in heaven right now. But I've been trying to get myself to realize that no amount of being an interesting person can compensate for the lack of relationship skills. I'd probably be better off with someone who has less in common with me and fewer shared interests, who at least understands what it takes to make a relationship work. And like you, I'm loyal to a fault, I've stayed in some unhealthy situations before just because I always tell myself "I wouldn't want someone to give up on me, so I try not to give up on them". I've also tried to grow a spine this time and leave it alone. Anyway, her leaving me twice played into every insecurity and fear of abandonment I have -- which, if I'm honest, were my contributions to our breakups. I can relate to this 100%. She broke up with me once before and I was so happy when we got back together, but it only served to make me more insecure and cause more problems. I'm sorry you experienced the setback you did with hearing that she is engaged. I told my ex something like that in the little bit of contact we had, I said maybe some day we could manage to be friendly because I'm not sure I can say I want nothing to do with her for the rest of my life, but I also said I don't want to be around the day she gets engaged. I agree with what others have said, hopefully since you were already working on standing your ground and trying to let go of things, you will bounce back from this unfortunate bit of information sooner than you might think. I'm sure with the growing and maturing you've done, you know it won't do you any good to wonder what it means that she still checks your website, or whether or not her relationship will succeed. She may be with this guy for the next 50 years perfectly happy. But with that said, I don't know that you can really get to the point of knowing someone well enough to be getting engaged in just a year. Perhaps rather than learning and growing and figuring out what it takes to achieve real intimacy, she's just in a state of realizing her own tendency to run, and maybe she thinks getting a ring on her finger from the first interesting guy she met after you will solve her problems. My ex used to always say she doesn't believe in divorce, yet she clearly didn't believe in keeping her promises either. I never really got around to it, but I wanted to say to my ex, "obviously when you get unhappy, you leave. No ring on your finger, no marriage certificate sitting in a drawer somewhere, is going to change the way you are. You can say you don't believe in divorce all you want, but it appears you don't believe in working on a relationship either". At the end of the day, marriage is nothing more than a promise, and people who struggle to keep them will struggle to keep this one as well. Marriage is a promise to work towards the ultimate intimacy, to stick with the relationship through the good and the bad, so I don't know how well that will work out for people who have a tendency to run. Anyways, that was just rambling for the sake of rambling, because as I said, they may very well spend the rest of their lives together, and you might as well assume that will be the case. I hope I can learn to be as strong as you've been, many days for me I am still losing the battle with my desire to have her back instead of letting go.
2sunny Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 You need to work on why you even want to be with a gal that doesn't express her feelings and is emotionally void. Why?
Author rootless Posted February 28, 2012 Author Posted February 28, 2012 (edited) I can relate to this 100%. She broke up with me once before and I was so happy when we got back together, but it only served to make me more insecure and cause more problems. I hope I can learn to be as strong as you've been, many days for me I am still losing the battle with my desire to have her back instead of letting go. I'm so sorry you're dealing with similar grief and loss. It's totally craptacular, isn't it? Ugh... just the worst. The thing I've slowly come to realize is that insecurity attracts insecurity. If we genuinely feel unlovable and hopelessly flawed, sadly, the odds are pretty high that we're going to end up in situations that serve to reinforce that, one way, or the other. We'll gravitate towards people who dismiss, minimize, or undermine us. Or, we'll be drawn towards people who are closed-off and detached. And sometimes a little of both. Either way, it's an unbelievably cruel joke: we think we're worthless, so we'll wind up with people, and in situations that relentlessly try to prove us right. Because we keep picking partners who simply *LACK THE CAPACITY* to do otherwise. It's a total Catch-22. Our ex's can't make us feel whole and satisfied, because THEY'RE not whole and satisfied, because WE'RE not whole and satisfied. It's just this awful loop of dysfunction. And until we step out of it, and work on ourselves, we're going to keep meeting people who are no good for us. The thing about insecurity and dysfunction is that they seek their equal. We feel broken, so we tend to feel strongest about people who are equally as broken. If it didn't hurt so bad, it'd be laughable, because it's such a predictable tendency -- we all want to be around those we can relate with, those we can most deeply identify with. Just like healthy, well-adjusted people look for partners they perceive to be their peers, folks with crappy self-esteem or fear of attachment will go out of their way to find other people who don't like themselves, and/or can't be intimate. Life almost always returns to us what we put out-- even if it's hurtful and perverse. The trick is snapping out of the pattern, figuring out what makes us feel worthless, and addressing THAT. And it's almost never an ex. 9 times out of 10, they're just reflecting a problem that existed before them. The bottom line -- as cheesy as it sounds -- is that we're not going to be able to forge healthy relationships with others, until we build a healthy relationship with ourselves. And that's not always easy. You need to work on why you even want to be with a gal that doesn't express her feelings and is emotionally void. Why? I hear ya'. It's slow going, sometimes, but I'm making real progress addressing that very thing. I've taken some HUGE steps this last year. I've been addressing all kinds of things that absolutely scare the hell out of me. I got out of a job where I was *completely* unappreciated. I started my own business, and I'm FINALLY doing the kind of work I'm capable of, and I absolutely LOVE it. I've also been in therapy for the last 10 months, which has been incredibly painful at times, but HUGELY beneficial. I've been fighting like Hell to get over this woman, and gain the perspective to know that she just wasn't able to be the kind of wife I want, need, and deserve. Do I miss her? God, yes. Immeasurably. Do I want to get to a place where I can meet someone who truly is my equal, who is genuinely kind and supportive and loving? YES. YES. YES. And is she that person? Nope. Not now. Not by a long shot. So that's what I'm trying to focus on now -- getting past her, and working on ME. Edited February 28, 2012 by rootless 1
Author rootless Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 oh yea.. I guess you have to have a certain # of posts or been here for awhile to send PMs.. I'd tell you to post the link but not sure if thats a violation of the CoC. I just "unlocked" the ability to send PMs! Nice-- like the flower in Super Mario Brothers, except for heart-broken dudes. Sent you a message with a link. Hope you like it!
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