Rebuilding confidence/self-esteem after online dating

[U1987]

As I said in my last thread, I just had a really bad experience with online dating. I spent months on OK Cupid and here constructing and reconstructing profiles, message formats and sending messages to almost 300 girls in my area and I couldn't get with anyone. The most disappointing thing of all was the fact that the vast majority of messages I sent never even got responded to.

 

It's really been a big blow to my confidence and self-esteem, and has gotten to me in ways I've never really felt before. It's been forcing me to consider things I never thought I'd have to consider.

 

I'm really upset about all the time and energy I spent on this thing only to not end up with anyone, and as silly as it may sound to some people, I actually feel hurt inside for all the times I was ignored or the times I tried to keep a conversation going and the girl just stopped without warning.

 

I'm really struggling with feelings of inadequacy and futility; I feel like all my hard work and daily efforts to improve and grow are useless because it will never be enough for girls I want to meet, for what ever reason.

 

I really tried at first to keep it simple and light hearted, but online dating has really shattered my core and has gotten to me in ways I didn't think would be possible. I never thought OLD could be anything that could hurt me, but it's really hurt me inside.

 

I'm not looking for hate or ridicule. I just want to know how can I rebuild my confidence, self-esteem and sense of self-worth after online dating and come out a better man at the end.

 

Please. And thank you.

[Ranchero44]

I know it's so hard not to take what happens online personally, but--trust me--girls are getting INUNDATED with messages. I remember a long time ago when I signed up for Plenty of Fish, I was bombed with messages in my inbox within ten minutes of posting my profile. Girls often just get overwhelmed by the communications they receive. They become very hard to keep track of, although many sites now have devices that help users remember what they have replied to and what not. Still, it can get pretty complicated.

 

I have been saying this for years, and I don't mean to sound cynical, but . . . my feeling about online dating is that your chances of finding a quality person to date are no greater online than they are out in the world. You can use the "scattergun" approach and email 300 girls, but--I don't know quite why this is--your chances are still just about as good meeting someone online as meeting someone in another environment. Get active in your community, and, believe me, you will meet some people.

 

I online dated off and on for about four years. Did it leave me scarred for life? You bet. But it also taught me a lot about not taking things personally.

 

There are just too many pitfalls to online dating, in my personal experience. Let's say one of these 300 girls established a connection with you. Chances are, you would develop a fantasy of who she is based on her online/email persona. Then, 9 times out of 10, you meet the person and you are like, "WTF????" You have built up an expectation of who they are based on what you are seeing in a 13" screen. That is one of the biggest detractors for online dating, for me.

 

I know there are lots of success stories, and many of them are very sweet, but online dating just caused a lot of unbearable heartbreak and disappointment for me.

 

My advice, as I stated before, is get active in your community. Church, volunteer work, community theater, community choir, continuing education classes . . . the options are endless. Fall in love with life and someone will probably fall in love with you. If you want to restore your self-esteem, lose yourself in something you love.

[TheFinalWord]

As I said in my last thread, I just had a really bad experience with online dating. I spent months on OK Cupid and here constructing and reconstructing profiles, message formats and sending messages to almost 300 girls in my area and I couldn't get with anyone. The most disappointing thing of all was the fact that the vast majority of messages I sent never even got responded to.

 

It's really been a big blow to my confidence and self-esteem, and has gotten to me in ways I've never really felt before. It's been forcing me to consider things I never thought I'd have to consider.

 

I'm really upset about all the time and energy I spent on this thing only to not end up with anyone, and as silly as it may sound to some people, I actually feel hurt inside for all the times I was ignored or the times I tried to keep a conversation going and the girl just stopped without warning.

 

I'm really struggling with feelings of inadequacy and futility; I feel like all my hard work and daily efforts to improve and grow are useless because it will never be enough for girls I want to meet, for what ever reason.

 

I really tried at first to keep it simple and light hearted, but online dating has really shattered my core and has gotten to me in ways I didn't think would be possible. I never thought OLD could be anything that could hurt me, but it's really hurt me inside.

 

I'm not looking for hate or ridicule. I just want to know how can I rebuild my confidence, self-esteem and sense of self-worth after online dating and come out a better man at the end.

 

Please. And thank you.

 

Being rejected is part of being a man. You have to recognize all of us have experienced it, all of us will experience it again, and all of us will probably reject other people whether it is in regards to dating, work, sales, or what have you. It's life bro, you just got to face it head on. That's what being a man is all about. When you get knocked down, you have to get back up.

 

If you've been rejected, it means you have taken a risk. That is something to be proud of.

 

Yes, it can hurt. But you have no idea why a lot of those women stopped talking to you. It could be a million things. Don't waste time trying to analyze it anymore or trying to re-construct your profile anymore. Because you were not successful at on-line dating does not mean you're a failure as a man.

 

I can't play baseball. If you threw 300 fast balls at me and couldn't hit one, would I then think I can't do anything right? No, I would just conclude I'm not good at baseball. BTW I wouldn't wait for 300 fast balls to determine that If you're striking out that that many times in a row, you're setting yourself up for depression by continuing.

 

The main thing is that life is too short to wallow in self-pity. You have to pick yourself up and try a different strategy.

 

On-line dating isn't for everyone. Its actually not for most people. It doesn't mean you're less of a man, it just means it isn't for you. Try a different method.

 

Do you have any hobbies? Get involved in a hobby and try meeting women through those routes IRL and not just random women you meet on-line.

Edited February 23, 2012 by TheFinalWord

[oaks]

I really tried at first to keep it simple and light hearted, but online dating has really shattered my core and has gotten to me in ways I didn't think would be possible. I never thought OLD could be anything that could hurt me, but it's really hurt me inside.

 

The best thing I can suggest is that you need to not take it personally, and I think it is possible to do that retrospectively. You don't need to take it personally that some women were too busy that week to bother reading any of their emails (some women I've talked to who use online dating sometimes have weeks where they just log in and delete all messages without even reading them or looking at the photos because, for example, they just don't feel like going on a date next week). You don't need to take it personally that you just aren't some women's type - clearly not everyone finds everybody else attractive. You don't need to take it personally that some women want personalised messages when you send a generic one, or the other way around. You don't need to take it personally when some women receive messages from men who they find more attractive (especially when you remember that men outnumber women by somewhere between 2:1 to 7:1 or whatever).

 

You need to not take it personally.

 

 

If you can't do that yourself, get some professional help. It's a nicely specific problem that a trained therapist should be able to help you with.

Edited February 23, 2012 by oaks
Typo

[CC12]

I spent months on OK Cupid and here constructing and reconstructing profiles, message formats and sending messages to almost 300 girls in my area and I couldn't get with anyone.

 

300 girls? So if I can guess, you sent messages to almost every girl in your area, without really seeing if those girls actually fit your criteria, or if you had anything in common with them at all. So basically, you just spammed 300 random girls? I'm not sure this is the best tactic. I know you said you're not looking for hate or ridicule, so I hope you take my post as I intend it, to help a little bit.

 

I'm really upset about all the time and energy I spent on this thing only to not end up with anyone

 

It seems like you think that putting time and energy into a dating site should automatically earn you a girlfriend. It just doesn't work that way. Dating isn't a formula where X=Y and X is your energy spent and Y is the girls that will date you. Those 300 girls you messaged are all unique individuals with different personalities and the majority of them aren't going to go for you. That's life. And as someone else pointed out, girls on dating sites get lots of messages. Since you sent 300, imagine if you got 300 messages per day, or even that many in a week. Would you respond to all of them? No.

 

Don't let online dating deter you from pursuing a date. There are still plenty of ways to meet women. And there are still probably plenty of better ways you could approach women on dating sites. How do you normally do it? What do you say?

 

And always remember, with dating sites, it's the internet. Do not let fantasy internet world determine your happiness or even make you question yourself.

[U1987]

 

My advice, as I stated before, is get active in your community. Church, volunteer work, community theater, community choir, continuing education classes . . . the options are endless.

 

I've done all that before, but you really don't see college aged girls in church or volunteering or local theatre. I'm already in college, but my courses are extremely male-heavy and I'm about to graduate.

 

Fall in love with life and someone will probably fall in love with you. If you want to restore your self-esteem, lose yourself in something you love.

 

I love meeting girls. That's why I joined OKC; I really thought it would be a good way to.

[U1987]

 

I can't play baseball. If you threw 300 fast balls at me and couldn't hit one, would I then think I can't do anything right? No, I would just conclude I'm not good at baseball.

 

I'm not attracted to baseballs. Baseballs don't/can't judge you as a person.

[Ranchero44]

 

 

I love meeting girls. That's why I joined OKC; I really thought it would be a good way to.

 

Fair enough.

[U1987]

300 girls? So if I can guess, you sent messages to almost every girl in your area, without really seeing if those girls actually fit your criteria

 

Physical beauty is my primary criteria. If they were attractive enough to consider writing to them, they fulfilled that criteria.

 

or if you had anything in common with them at all.

I've explained this on other threads, but many girls make it impossible for you to determine if you have anything at all in common with them; their profiles are so short, generic, bland and vague. Here's the profile of one of the girls I messaged.

 

i love music and hanging out with friends and family.

i want to work in the medical field/pshycology.

i know what i want and wont settle for less.

That's the entire profile. Maybe half of the girls I found attractive had profiles like these (3-4 sentences, bad grammar, little-to-no personal details). There's also a lot of girls who literally have nothing on their profile.

 

So yes, I messaged them without seeing if we had anything in common, because their bad profiles made it impossible to.

 

 

 

Don't let online dating deter you from pursuing a date. There are still plenty of ways to meet women. And there are still probably plenty of better ways you could approach women on dating sites. How do you normally do it? What do you say?

My first few dozen messages were all personalized, but they didn't work. I posted them on here and people said they were "annoying" and "cheesy" and such. Another dude who used to post on here (who's apparently a really successful veteran online dater) gave me this format.

 

Hey _______, what's good? I'm _______.

 

I gotta say, you're profile really stood off the page. You come off as ______, ______, and maybe a little bit ______. I like that.

 

I can also really appreciate anyone who's into _______; I'm into _______ as well.

 

(2 or 3 improvised sentences here)

 

Anyway, I think we'd really enjoy learning a little more about each other, so let me know if you want to chat some more. Have a good one!"

The first 2 blanks are names. The next 3 are non-sexual compliments that come to my mind when I read her profile. The last 2 are common interests. Formulaic? Yes, but I got about a 15% response rate with this message. None of my personalized messages got responded to.

 

It was keeping those 15% talking though that was the greatest challenge.

Edited February 24, 2012 by U1987

[U1987]

The best thing I can suggest is that you need to not take it personally, and I think it is possible to do that retrospectively. You don't need to take it personally that some women were too busy that week to bother reading any of their emails (some women I've talked to who use online dating sometimes have weeks where they just log in and delete all messages without even reading them or looking at the photos because, for example, they just don't feel like going on a date next week). You don't need to take it personally that you just aren't some women's type - clearly not everyone finds everybody else attractive. You don't need to take it personally that some women want personalised messages when you send a generic one, or the other way around. You don't need to take it personally when some women receive messages from men who they find more attractive (especially when you remember that men outnumber women by somewhere between 2:1 to 7:1 or whatever).

 

You need to not take it personally.

 

Of course I don't "need" to; no one "needs" to. That doesn't mean it's easy not to though. It's not like something you can turn on and off like a switch at will.

[Ranchero44]

Of course I don't "need" to; no one "needs" to. That doesn't mean it's easy not to though. It's not like something you can turn on and off like a switch at will.

 

No, of course not. It's very hard not to take the downside of online dating personally. But what is the alternative?

 

You wrote in your original post that this had damaged your very core. That's very serious. You could potentially become (if you haven't already) severely depressed if you dwell on these disappointments too much.

 

You are right that you can't turn your reactions on and off like a switch. But you must try to cultivate affirmative, self-esteem-building thoughts as much as possible. It's touchy-feely and whatnot, but try some affirmations or something. Just list ten things you like about yourself. Don't let this shatter your very core; OKC is not worth that.

[PJKino]

I hear you bro when youre not wanted by the opposite sex its a killer..

 

All these cornballs giving you meaningless dating cliches and Tony Robbins happy go lucky bull**** is laughable..

 

Just try to realize women arent worth the trouble and arent nearly as valuable as they think..

 

My friends women just cheated on him..We're better of without these harlots

[TheBigQuestion]

Of course I don't "need" to; no one "needs" to. That doesn't mean it's easy not to though. It's not like something you can turn on and off like a switch at will.

 

He gave you a whole bunch of legitimate reasons as to why women might not have gotten back to your messages. Contrary to popular belief, a lot of people make dating profiles but do NOT taking online dating very seriously. Hence, they don't sign on much and get lazy with communications. I was the same way. Why take something like that personally? This is really what most likely happened with a huge portion of the women you contacted.

[oaks]

Of course I don't "need" to; no one "needs" to. That doesn't mean it's easy not to though. It's not like something you can turn on and off like a switch at will.

 

Then do the other thing I suggested: get professional help.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Get professional help.

 

And while you're at it, try to view the whole experience from the other side.

 

What if you HAD been able to lure a woman into spending just enough time with you for you to get her in bed with you - a woman who was thinking you were interested in her, and having a relationship?

 

When she found out she had been used, and that you were not remotely interested in her as a human being - and in fact found her "vapid" and "boring" - only worthy enough to be a receptacle for your sexual frustration - she might very well have a crisis of self confidence herself.

 

So, it works both ways.

 

I don't know if it's possible for a person who is completely devoid of empathy to develop any, but it would be worthwhile to try, or at least to try to see the value of it.

[serial muse]

OP, think about it this way.

 

There are two types of people who tend to "succeed" in online dating (depending on what one's measure of success is; more on that in a minute). Let's assume they're both reasonably attractive, for the sake of argument. Not beautiful, but attractive.

 

1. People who aren't necessarily interested in finding The One, but are just looking around, seeing who's out there and taking it in stride. These people have thick skin, don't take it personally, and don't feel entitled to anything. Their self-esteem is not closely tied to the results.

 

2. People who are genuinely interested in finding someone that they want to date for a long time.

 

Obviously, being one of these two types will not guarantee you anything. That's because nothing in life is guaranteed. So, yes, lots of people who fit one of those criteria still find themselves SOL in the online dating world. Happens. But I'd say those two types still have a better chance of finding what they're looking for.

 

But you are neither of these types. You want a shallow connection, not a deep one, but you are also taking it very personally that you aren't getting anywhere.

 

So, in all seriousness, OLD really just isn't the right medium for you. You end up writing profiles and emails that are false representations of your intentions (they suggest you want an emotional connection with the person you're emailing, and you really don't; in fact, you often disdain that person for everything except her looks), and that's why you consistently get bad reactions here on LS. You come across as simultaneously self-satisfied and self-pitying.

 

Yes, that is harsh. I'm not saying I haven't got sympathy with the fact that you're feeling bad about yourself; I do. But what you're doing isn't working, so maybe hear me out. The question you should be asking yourself is why you thought it ought to be so easy? Nobody thinks dating is easy. And why do you think it's all about you? Dating is a mutual selection process, not one person collecting self-esteem points to score some sort of Achievement.

 

I do not see, from your posts and threads, any interest, ever, in who the person you're emailing is; you are interested only in what she looks like. Well and good, if you were willing for her to have the same criteria.

 

BUT - you aren't. It doesn't gibe with the fact that, to try to entice someone, you talk about your science studies and music interests. Now think about this logically - what purpose does that serve? You just want to get someone in the sack. And you don't go after women who might be interested in that stuff anyway. Why on God's green earth would a woman who just wants to get laid give a DAMN about any of that stuff? That is what people have been trying and trying to explain to you on your threads, for years now.

 

And, on those same threads, you respond by saying right, so that's why you want to "convince" these girls, once you've drawn them in with tales of your smarts and guitar skills, to have a one night stand with you instead of anything more. (ugh, please don't lie to people.) If you were some kind of player, maybe that crap would actually work for you, in the long run - but you aren't! You also want to play the sensitive card. Players do get rejected - but they don't care, they just move on to the next person. Instead, you dwell on each rejection like it's personal.

 

Well, yeah, it's irritating to read your threads where you're dismissive of women and only interested in a ONS with a hot chick who bores you otherwise, and then want to have a pity party. It's really hard to pity you, man. You come across as so entitled, and I don't have a clue why you think you are. What, exactly, do you feel like the world owes you? Hot chicks? Well, they sometimes think the world owes them hot dudes. Are you one?

 

I suspect that the problem is really that you don't know what you want. You have low self-esteem, and you think that having sex with a hot lady will fix that. It won't.

 

What you really need to do is step away from OLD, and get some perspective on yourself. Therapy for the win.

Edited February 24, 2012 by serial muse

[InJest]

Start looking for value in other people. You're conceited and condescending, so of course when no one thinks highly of you, like you do, you're going to be hurt.

 

Focus on your studies, and find a girl in your field. That's your best bet. You're not going to be attractive until you've got some money, with your attitude. Get your paper up.

Edited February 24, 2012 by InJest