Numb79 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 How do people cope knowing that someone who has been apart of your life for so long and has made such an impact (wether it be a positive or negative) on your life..... that they are no longer part of your life? Do dumpers think about this as well?
sweetheart5381 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Excellent question. I only dumped 3 men in my life. (One was a possessive freak that lasted 2 months, doesnt count) The others dumped me, then again I havent had too many "relationships". I left the first man for being abusive - was abusive in every way but physically, he never hurt me physically. Hurt like hell to leave him. He is the father of my sons, we were together nearly 10 yrs. Being alone was hard, being without him killed me when we split. I thought of him all the time, for months and months - still do sometimes. Guilt sometimes that I didnt stay and make it work, even though it never would - I just knew it wouldn't. Too much self respect. I still think of him and hope for the best for him. The next man was verbally and mentally abusive to both me and my kids. He assaulted me several times, throwing things at me, etc then he really assaulted me, eventually a strangulation attempt. He was convicted. I still attempted reconciliation after the strangulation and still loved him when I finally left him. Sad I know - took 2 yrs after the end to understand it all and I still dont, just know I didnt deserve it and will never be abused again... and yes I think about him still. I dont think you ever really forget anyone that had an impact on your life, good or bad... or in between. Dumper, dumpee... doesnt matter. Hell if I could forget some stuff I would - we just dont have that choice as humans!
Eddie Edirol Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 How do people cope knowing that someone who has been apart of your life for so long and has made such an impact (wether it be a positive or negative) on your life..... that they are no longer part of your life? Do dumpers think about this as well? People who dump you dont have to cope usually. Usually the dumping is a relief, because its more stress being with someone you know you dont want to be with. So impacts dont matter when thats the scenario. As a dumpee, I cope by realizing that I dont want someone who doesnt want me, thats it. I dont talk to them and I move on any way I can.
LZ2000 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) How do people cope knowing that someone who has been apart of your life for so long and has made such an impact (wether it be a positive or negative) on your life..... that they are no longer part of your life? Do dumpers think about this as well? Yes, we dumpers do think of it as well. I do believe, some of us do think about the amount of time we have wasted on the dumpee and what went wrong about our relationship (the more emotionally fulfilling it was, the more painful the memories are). Also, we do muse and wonder about the small little differences, the personal imperfections, the personal traits that both parties have that had caused the relationship to crash and burn. Sometimes, we don't understand the reasons that has led up to the break up. And it does eat away at us, or leaves something for us to dwell upon whenever we are in a negative mood or we see someone who somewhat resembles our exes closely. The memories certainly linger more often than you'd wish it to be, especially when your partner could do the most simplest thing to keep the relationship alive and well, and didn't. Edited February 23, 2012 by LZ2000
Author Numb79 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Thank you for everyone's response. I don't even know why I am posing this question..... perhaps I just want to know that it wasn't easy for my EX to let go and that she is dealing with the same emotions I am. But, I don't see why I should even care.... Its not like the situation is going to change. Maybe I am just grasping at straws.... thinking that she would change her mind. I just feel really helpless and alone right now.
LZ2000 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Thank you for everyone's response. I don't even know why I am posing this question..... perhaps I just want to know that it wasn't easy for my EX to let go and that she is dealing with the same emotions I am. But, I don't see why I should even care.... Its not like the situation is going to change. Maybe I am just grasping at straws.... thinking that she would change her mind. I just feel really helpless and alone right now. You're not alone. You have people who would for the most part post genuine replies with good advice.
jus d'orange Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Thank you for everyone's response. I don't even know why I am posing this question..... perhaps I just want to know that it wasn't easy for my EX to let go and that she is dealing with the same emotions I am. But, I don't see why I should even care.... Its not like the situation is going to change. Maybe I am just grasping at straws.... thinking that she would change her mind. I just feel really helpless and alone right now. Hi Numb, I know why you asked the question, because in the first 2 weeks following the breakup, at my loneliest moments, I really wondered if she was thinking of me. I wanted to know if I still mattered to her. Chances are, if you had a good, loving relationship (not perfect, but loving overall), then yes, the dumper is feeling pain and maybe even guilt. If they aren't, they either moved on a long, long time ago from the relationship before the actual break-up, or they aren't much of a lover. Beyond that, you needn't concern yourself. As time moves on for both the dumper and dumpee and the pain subsides for both, it'll be possible to look back at the relationship realistically. At that point, there could be a possibility of a renewed relationship. Prior to that, however, it is necessary to just move on and become the person you want to be. Someday, both of you will take the meaning you need to from the relationship and build a better future with it. If that means that you get back together, then that's great. If not, then you'll be able to take that knowledge into your next love relationship, where you will be happier and wiser. I hope, at least! I'm going through the same thing.
Author Numb79 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Orange, I have seen you post quite alot on the threads. You always seem to have such good advice and a good outlook. To be honest, it doesn't even seem like you are even suffering at all. I am curious to know what your situation is..... Maybe you are older than I (me 32) and thats why you are able to look at things from a different light. Is there something that you do to help you cope with the situation.... other than keeping busy and normal tactics?
madball2289 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) As the dumpee of my last two "relationships" I feel that the dumpers emotionally detach themselves from the relationship before it actually ends. It seems they lost interest or at least think about leaving before they actually do it. In my situations, I thought everything was fine then all of a sudden they were gone. I'm sure dumpers do experience some pain, but at the same time I feel like the dumpers have more of a "weight off their shoulders" as opposed to any heartbreak or anything like that. I feel like when the dumper is already distancing themselves they really don't have any regrets and then just bounce on to the next person that comes along. And of course, as the dumpee I'm sitting around heartbroken while they go out and are probably ****ing someone else within a week. And there are obviously some cases where people can be dumpees for doing something wrong, as opposed to just a dumper leaving a dumpee for whatever personal or "stage in life" reasons. But yeah i still think about people I have been with, some less than others and some not at all. Edited February 23, 2012 by madball2289
jus d'orange Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Orange, I have seen you post quite alot on the threads. You always seem to have such good advice and a good outlook. To be honest, it doesn't even seem like you are even suffering at all. I am curious to know what your situation is..... Maybe you are older than I (me 32) and thats why you are able to look at things from a different light. Is there something that you do to help you cope with the situation.... other than keeping busy and normal tactics? I'm actually 21. I'm going through my first serious breakup and it's the hardest thing I've experienced in my life. Then again, it's nothing compared to what some people experience on a daily basis... I try to keep my perspective about me and realize that I have a great life, and that I am doing the right thing by keeping a positive attitude about the break-up and about the future. That said, I suffer every day. I miss my ex like hell. My relationship with her was an area of my life of which I was extremely proud and happy. She was my dream girl, someone with whom I had built something that was enormously important to me. It was an incredibly beautiful thing I had with her; I felt like I mattered because there was someone who cared about me and about whom I cared. I have never been as close to anyone else in my life. She was the ultimate best friend and a wonderful lover. By herself, she is a straight up beautiful person, inside and out. We weren't perfect and each had our issues (thus why she broke things off), but I genuinely loved what we had. I probably didn't appreciate it as much as I do know, but such is life. I have maintained NC perfectly since the BU 24 days ago, but there are times when I wish so much that she would show up at my door... But I know it just doesn't work that way. I guess I do 2 things to cope: follow the advice that I've tried to write here to others in similar situations to me (part of the reason that I post regularly is to remind myself of these positive attitudes, and to feel good about myself for connecting with and helping others in need), and allow time to pass while focusing on happiness, growth, and hope for a better future. I don't know when the suffering will end, but I realized today that the problems that existed in myself before the breakup were not going to go away unless I suffered first. It is a most inconvenient truth, but it is the truth nonetheless. How could I change dramatically unless my circumstances changed dramatically? Sorry, not really on the thread topic... 1
FearfulFuture Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I am also in the same position with the same familiar thoughts. Do the dumpers feel as bad or even just plain kinda bad about the end of a relationship? I think the answer to that is yes. From my own experience in which i am going through at this moment, i am in an unfortunate position of having to live with my ex for a few weeks (I know your familiar with my story Numb79 as you posted on my thread - thanks)! Well she called it off and whilst living arrangements are being sorted we are sleeping in separate rooms. I keep busy and haven't been at 'home' much but four nights ago i returned on Sunday evening after a night out on the Saturday where i stayed on a friends couch, i knew my ex was also out that night so i got away as far as possible so as not to bump into her drinking with friends and more than likely dancing/maybe more with guys. I got home to hear my ex in her room sobbing away, i had a shower, sorted out work stuff and as i went to bed she was still crying uncontrollably next door. God knows how long she had been in tears before i returned but what im trying to demonstrate is that yes, they obviously struggle if 3 days after a break up the dumper can still be that upset. Strangely though, it made me feel awful hearing that and not being able to comfort the one you love. Im sure your ex is suffering just as bad Numb79 and although it may not change anything right now, perhaps knowing you are worth her tears can comfort you in some small way! Keep it strong, looks like we are on the same path at the same time!
LogicallyIllogical Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I don't think you should worry about whether or not the dumpers feel bad. If they don't, then they didn't care that much about you and you deserve better. Sometimes they think the grass is greener and come back and it's too late. Sometimes they've thought it through and it takes you by surprise. If the dumper comes back, only you can decide if you were meant to be. If they don't come back, you have to realize that you deserve to be happy and need to move on with your life. In my case, my current ex had sex with me one night, then the following night she said I had to give her time to think and she broke up with me. Now that I'm several days removed from the breakup, I can see that it wouldn't have worked in the long run without having a break/breakup like this. We both have problems and if she came back right now, I wouldn't take her back. I would take her back in time if she fixes her problems, but by then, I could be over her, or she may never change or not come back! Point is, I'm grieving the loss as if it's over. You can't let their decision ruin your life. You have to accept it and realize that nothing you do will change their mind at this point. Either they come back on their own, or it's over. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and re-discover yourself. 1
IMVERYHO Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 As the dumpee of my last two "relationships" I feel that the dumpers emotionally detach themselves from the relationship before it actually ends. It seems they lost interest or at least think about leaving before they actually do it. In my situations, I thought everything was fine then all of a sudden they were gone. I'm sure dumpers do experience some pain, but at the same time I feel like the dumpers have more of a "weight off their shoulders" as opposed to any heartbreak or anything like that. I feel like when the dumper is already distancing themselves they really don't have any regrets and then just bounce on to the next person that comes along. And of course, as the dumpee I'm sitting around heartbroken while they go out and are probably ****ing someone else within a week. And there are obviously some cases where people can be dumpees for doing something wrong, as opposed to just a dumper leaving a dumpee for whatever personal or "stage in life" reasons. But yeah i still think about people I have been with, some less than others and some not at all. About seven weeks ago I became a dumpee. It hurts me every day, and sadly, almost every few minutes. I know I must, and one day will, move on and perhaps find a better, truer love. Or NOT! But here's what I am wondering (in the cruel and sudden total absence of this woman from my life after almost 11 months of loving her and spending so much time together) is it (in the valued opinion of other readers here) a foregone conclusion that every dumper has their next gig (e.g. a younger, studlier, taller, better-looking, richer, funnier, smarter guy) ALREADY WAITING IN THE WINGS BEFORE they (the dumper) pull the trigger on you (me the dumpee)?? Why do I SO believe that SHE had another option already lined up (and even already "test-driven"!) thus giving her the impetus she needed to let me go.....even though she never mentioned the existence of anyone else...? Ease my pain, good readers....or NOT!
leoc1973 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 What I did and believe me it was even harder than getting dumped in the first place is to delete her. The unfriending on facebook was the hardest because then I couldn't check up on her. Immediately after I did all this i felt a sudden rush of panic like what did I just do? But then after a few days ya know what happened I HAD to actually find something to do with my time other than stare at her wall all day waiting for some kind of sign or something she would send me. The thing is that she wanted to keep me hanging and she would throw out tons of little things that were meant for me. Songs, memories, little inside jokes that were only ours so she would use them with other people. Then I started to think of all the times she was rotten to me snapped at me insulted me things like that. There weren't many because she treated me well while we were together. But I focused on them. I made a list of all the qualities I wanted in a woman. Every little detail and then realized that she wasn't my ideal woman at all. Then I kept picturing her with another guy(on purpose) and eventually took her old pictures and looked at them and said I really loved that woman but she is gone. Its not her anymore (she's dead) a few weeks later she sent me an email about how hard this all is for her and she loves me more than anyone ever.. bla bla bla. I think I looked at it and it actually turned my stomach. Don't get me wrong there were a ton of times in between that she came around and jerked my chain and I fell for it a ton of times. But I think ultimately you have to really sit down with yourself and decide that you really want to get over her. Now if I was to walk by her on the street I wouldn't even say hi because she is a stranger to me and a stranger that I don't think I would like. Oh and other girls really and I mean really help!
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