SparkleMe Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 My husband said he wants a Divorce and he moved out to his aunt and uncles. He says he dosen't have ((those feelings for me)) but loves me as his childs mother) and that he's unhappy. Now we are in counseling with a Chaplin who doesn't advocate Divorce and works to strenthen marriages. My husband is all for the counseling but still feels he wants a D. He's a very easy going guy and I always ran the show in our relationship. My husband turned into a different person since he left. Not kind, cold, distant, and seemed pretty angry with me. He said his individual counseling had brought some things to the surface about our marriage. I broke down from the stress that's going on in our lives and I'm pregnant 8 weeks (we found out after he left). We have a 4 year old also. So he stopped treating me like I was a monster, and we have been talking and understanding one another better. I don't think he's cheating i snooped and didn't come up with anything. He left once before and came back. This time he seems to be more sure of what he wants. My question is what can I do? I love him I mean not the same as when we married, but I still love him. I feel like we need to put work into the situation, and not just run for the hills but he seems to be pretty sure about what he wants. It's been 3 weeks since he left.
carhill Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Welcome to LS IMO, if neither of you have significant psychological issues personally, then forgo IC (individual counseling) and only attend MC (marital counseling). In IC, each person is counseled without any other considerations, like the M. In MC, the marriage is the client and the focus. Our MC, who was/is a clinical psychologist, counseled against separation as long as we could cohabit in a healthy way while we worked on the M. We did separate for a couple months during the 14 months of MC, and I did note that it was easier to ignore the M while living separately. In our case, MC provided the tools and clarity to divorce amicably, as there remained no love between us. Each M is different. Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and my sympathies.
robf1971 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 My husband said he wants a Divorce and he moved out to his aunt and uncles. He says he dosen't have ((those feelings for me)) but loves me as his childs mother) and that he's unhappy. Now we are in counseling with a Chaplin who doesn't advocate Divorce and works to strenthen marriages. My husband is all for the counseling but still feels he wants a D. He's a very easy going guy and I always ran the show in our relationship. My husband turned into a different person since he left. Not kind, cold, distant, and seemed pretty angry with me. He said his individual counseling had brought some things to the surface about our marriage. I broke down from the stress that's going on in our lives and I'm pregnant 8 weeks (we found out after he left). We have a 4 year old also. So he stopped treating me like I was a monster, and we have been talking and understanding one another better. I don't think he's cheating i snooped and didn't come up with anything. He left once before and came back. This time he seems to be more sure of what he wants. My question is what can I do? I love him I mean not the same as when we married, but I still love him. I feel like we need to put work into the situation, and not just run for the hills but he seems to be pretty sure about what he wants. It's been 3 weeks since he left. You can't force someone to stay with you. Sorry, if I offend you but the guy's acting like a child. What kind of guy runs off to his aunt's and abandons a pregnant woman. File for divorce!!!
analystfromhell Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 We all sincerely hope you both are able to reconcile but I'd hesitate to introduce the child as a variable in the equation. Unless each of you are enthusiastic it's hard to see how the marriage would be viable long term. The very most important aspect is to ensure the two of you remain supportive of the child now and forever and a messy divorce can certainly make the difficult. Without trying to offer advice on how, please continue to do your best to maintain the ability to speak amiably and work cooperatively for the child's sake. He's angry now- it's important he work in the MC to help you understand why and how that anger can be quelled for both your sakes. Hopefully time will bring him around and keep him both your child's life whether married or not. The most dangerous path is one which leads to a messy divorce and lifetime of rancour between you. Married or not a positive example of two adults working together under trying circumstances is a great gift for your child.
Soxfaninfl Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 Welcome to LS IMO, if neither of you have significant psychological issues personally, then forgo IC (individual counseling) and only attend MC (marital counseling). In IC, each person is counseled without any other considerations, like the M. In MC, the marriage is the client and the focus. Our MC, who was/is a clinical psychologist, counseled against separation as long as we could cohabit in a healthy way while we worked on the M. We did separate for a couple months during the 14 months of MC, and I did note that it was easier to ignore the M while living separately. In our case, MC provided the tools and clarity to divorce amicably, as there remained no love between us. Each M is different. Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and my sympathies. I agree with carhill. Your only chance to save your marriage is marriage counseling. My ex-wife and I did IC for a month in a half before we finally went together. When we finally went together, she said to me "I don't want this anymore". Basically she was saying she didn't want a life with me anymore. We went to one session after that, and she said the same thing. Before the second session we were separated for a week, and it went down hill after that. I didn't like the counselor. I think she sucked to be honest. We were separated for a year and a month. I got tired of living with my parents and paying half he billa for a house i didn't even live in. When I moved back into the house, I found out she had started a relationship with another man. We were already going trough an expensive divorce. I tried to save my marriage with separation to see if giving her space would help, but it just made the situation worse. If your separated then you can't work on your problems. This I learned. I thought if she got a glimpse of seeing what life would be like taking care of a house, two dogs and a 6 year old child she would want me back. Even her mom at the time thought it was a good idea. It was bad advice in my case because it didn't work for me. I not a child of divorce and didn't want my son to go through it. My ex-wife dealt with it when her father left at the age of 14. I wish you luck.
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