Els Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Relationship Advice From The Longest Living Married Couple; Married For 85 Years I think there'll be many skeptics here, especially with how different some of their viewpoints are from current culture. I do not think that one way necessarily works for everyone, but I still think it's excellent advice for the most part, and the look on their faces reveals more to me than just the longevity of their marriage. They look so happy, even though their little bones must be aching with age. :love: 5
xxoo Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Beautiful! And I agree with their advice. Especially being on the same team, and loving each other with ALL your heart Thanks for posting, Elswyth! 1
Author Els Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Glad you liked it, xxoo. I find it to be a very inspiring tale, too.
Ariadne Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I loved this part: 6. What are the most important attributes of a good spouse? Zelmyra: A hard worker & good provider.The 1920s were hard,but Herbert wanted & provided the best for us. I married a good man! Go Z & H!
denise_xo Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I think this is really the key Divorce was NEVER an option – or even a thought. Divorce is a lot more 'thinkable' now than it was before, and this easily changes relationship dynamics.
Eve Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Parts I liked the most - 8. You got married very young – how did u both manage to grow as individuals yet not grow apart as a couple? “Everyone who plants a seed & harvests the crop celebrates together” We are individuals, but accomplish more together. .. Also as I only acknowledge marriage as existing in the faith. 14. What’s the one thing you have in common that transcends everything else? We are both Christians & believe in God. Marriage is a commitment to the Lord. We pray with & for each other every day. Take care, Eve x
OpenBook Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Oh, that brings tears to my eyes. As jaded as I am about the institution of marriage, to see that... Well, I'm humbled. 1
Author Els Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) Love your posts, guys. I've definitely never gotten a relationship anywhere close to 85 years - that's more than triple my age! But the part that struck me the most was: 2. How did you know your spouse was the right one for you? We grew up together & were best friends before we married. A friend is for life – our marriage has lasted a lifetime It strikes me as strange that some people nowadays, especially in Western cultures, make it a principle to never date a friend, let alone a best friend. Their reasoning is 'best friends are forever, relationships are not, so don't spoil a good thing'. Well, if that isn't admitting defeat before one has even started? If you're not aiming for 'a relationship lasting forever', that's all well and good, but why follow the 'never date a friend' principle and then complain that one's relationships never last? Granted, 'best friend relationships' are not guaranteed to last either, since a good 'best friend' might not turn out to be a good 'life partner'. But it's an important ingredient in a LTR IMO, and that is what I have observed in many lasting relationships, especially those of the older generation in which dating was not considered an 'instant thing', but rather you date the girl whom you've spent the last 6 years with in high school. Seems that the more 'fish in the sea' people are led to believe exist nowadays, the fewer lasting relationships people actually have and the more time they spend unhappily single (single not by choice, as opposed to single by choice), which is quite an interesting paradox. Edited February 23, 2012 by Elswyth 2
xxoo Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 My H and I are best friends. I can't imagine any other way! 2
Woggle Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 This is great but marriages like this are a dying breed.
somedude81 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 It strikes me as strange that some people nowadays, especially in Western cultures, make it a principle to never date a friend, let alone a best friend. Their reasoning is 'best friends are forever, relationships are not, so don't spoil a good thing'. Well, if that isn't admitting defeat before one has even started? If you're not aiming for 'a relationship lasting forever', that's all well and good, but why follow the 'never date a friend' principle and then complain that one's relationships never last? Maybe you should replace people with women. The vast majority of men would love to date their female friend or best friend. And many girls will say no just because the guy is a friend. I've actually had a girl tell me, "I don't date my friends." The whole belief that friendships are forever and that dating ruins the friendship is garbage because at the point when one person has feelings for the other, the friendship is over if those feelings are not returned.
Author Els Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 I know as many men as women who refuse to date friends, SD (and I don't mean casually sleep with the friend, I mean genuinely have a committed LTR with her). But let's keep gender out of this, yes?
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Maybe you should replace people with women. The vast majority of men would love to date their female friend or best friend. And many girls will say no just because the guy is a friend. I've actually had a girl tell me, "I don't date my friends." The whole belief that friendships are forever and that dating ruins the friendship is garbage because at the point when one person has feelings for the other, the friendship is over if those feelings are not returned. That's why if some girl you want to date tells you she just wants to be friends you tell her you're not interested in being friends, you want to date her or nothing. If she thinks that makes you a jerk then TFB.
xxoo Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Maybe you should replace people with women. The vast majority of men would love to date their female friend or best friend. And many girls will say no just because the guy is a friend. I've actually had a girl tell me, "I don't date my friends." The whole belief that friendships are forever and that dating ruins the friendship is garbage because at the point when one person has feelings for the other, the friendship is over if those feelings are not returned. There needs to be a sexual attraction. I think the term "friend" gets used as an easy rejection, when the truth is "I'm not sexually attracted to you". On the other hand, if she is attracted to a friend, but she had a bf for a while....and then they break up.....she'll date her friend. Happens all the time.
Woggle Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Maybe you should replace people with women. The vast majority of men would love to date their female friend or best friend. And many girls will say no just because the guy is a friend. I've actually had a girl tell me, "I don't date my friends." The whole belief that friendships are forever and that dating ruins the friendship is garbage because at the point when one person has feelings for the other, the friendship is over if those feelings are not returned. I sort of agree. I have seen relationships break up because he felt more like a friend or a brother than a lover. I think it is great to marry your best friend because that is how you have a marriage like this but that concept is fading fast.
somedude81 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I know as many men as women who refuse to date friends, SD (and I don't mean casually sleep with the friend, I mean genuinely have a committed LTR with her). But let's keep gender out of this, yes? No, it is a gender issue. Just look at this forum, there are way more men talking about how they want to date their friend then women. I know it's just a small sample of the overall population. But it is something that is happening all over. The whole term friendzone was coined for that situation. And no, I was never talking about casual sex. I'd love to write so much more about this simply because I've been in one girl or another's friendzone since I was 24. But what I've learned from all of those, is that being friends with a girl I like just doesn't work. I'm eventually going to get hurt. And the longer the friendship lasts, the more intense the pain will be.
xxoo Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Just look at this forum, there are way more men talking about how they want to date their friend then women. I know it's just a small sample of the overall population. But it is something that is happening all over. If they were sexually attracted, they'd date you. Amp up your sexual energy!
Emilia Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 This is great but marriages like this are a dying breed. I think someone should also ask the question how many illegitimate kids he has had over the years.
Author Els Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) I think someone should also ask the question how many illegitimate kids he has had over the years. You and NegativeNancy should totally get together. Just because your own experience dictates that it is impossible for a man to be faithful, does not mean that it genuinely is. While we're at it, why don't we go into every thread about happy relationships and post something of the sort? 'Gf and I have been together for 10 years and are still having sex everyday' - 'How much are you paying her to get THAT hot for you, huh?' Or maybe 'bf and I have been together for 10 years and he bought me the loveliest bouquet of flowers yesterday - you don't need to let romance die, folks!' - 'I wonder who he screwed and felt guilty about THIS time.' No, it is a gender issue. Just look at this forum, there are way more men talking about how they want to date their friend then women. I know it's just a small sample of the overall population. But it is something that is happening all over. The whole term friendzone was coined for that situation. And no, I was never talking about casual sex. I'd love to write so much more about this simply because I've been in one girl or another's friendzone since I was 24. But what I've learned from all of those, is that being friends with a girl I like just doesn't work. I'm eventually going to get hurt. And the longer the friendship lasts, the more intense the pain will be. I don't think it would be prudent for us to get into a debate about this here, because it'll just derail the whole thread. So let us for the moment assume that you are correct and women are the main perpetrators of this evil, while men are mostly happy to be the guy in the article (which, from reading these boards, I doubt many are, although it's not just the 'friends' part that I'm thinking about here). Edited February 23, 2012 by Elswyth 1
zengirl Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 It strikes me as strange that some people nowadays, especially in Western cultures, make it a principle to never date a friend, let alone a best friend. Their reasoning is 'best friends are forever, relationships are not, so don't spoil a good thing'. Well, if that isn't admitting defeat before one has even started? If you're not aiming for 'a relationship lasting forever', that's all well and good, but why follow the 'never date a friend' principle and then complain that one's relationships never last? I think in most happy marriages, the couple are best friends. Hubby and I are best friends. My parents are best friends. All the great couples I know are best friends. They may not have been friends FIRST, and I think the reason for that is that people don't get married so young as the couple in the article. My HS sweetheart was my friend first because we were kids together! If he hadn't passed away, I truly would've married my best friend from childhood. But there would be no reason for me, in this culture which is not conservative by nature, where I can date and romance men openly, to be "just friends" with a guy I find dead-sexy. Unless I was dating someone else, I guess, but then it's kind of dangerous to become too close friends with someone you feel that drawn to. Granted, I have dated friends, when it emerged organically, and I think it's a weird thing to "rule out" but I don't think many people do perse. Some people do worry about "ruining the friendship" but that's more worries about lasting compatibility and/or having their feelings reciprocated rather than a desire not to date friends; there's also an issue with mucking about in a circle of friends, of course, where a fella might have dated another friend first and you want to be socially appropriate. In a more conservative culture and time, like the couple in the article experienced, that was not such an issue, really. Still some maybe but not much. I think plenty of people consider a good relationship to include friendship. I just think they don't want to force the person to be a friend first AND that most people's friends are their friends and were never lovers or potentials in the first place because they didn't want to jump their bones, ever! There needs to be a sexual attraction. I think the term "friend" gets used as an easy rejection, when the truth is "I'm not sexually attracted to you". On the other hand, if she is attracted to a friend, but she had a bf for a while....and then they break up.....she'll date her friend. Happens all the time. Right. That's very common. It's just a term used to let people down. Just look at this forum, there are way more men talking about how they want to date their friend then women. I know it's just a small sample of the overall population. But it is something that is happening all over. The whole term friendzone was coined for that situation. You're talking about a small subset of men (you're one of them) who find dating frustrating and instead form friendships with women they are attracted to who are blatantly and obviously not attracted to them. It's not that the women won't date you because you're a friend; they won't date you because they're not attracted to you! It is true that most women don't try to use 'friendship' to catch a man they can't get (women use sex and that's where you get many screwed up FWB situations where the woman really does want to date the guy) because it would never occur to a woman that it'd work. I could tell them: Generally, it doesn't for men or women, nor does the use of sex work, but sometimes people have to learn that the hard way, I guess. The whole term 'friendzone' was not coined for the situation of true friendship. When you intend, from the very beginning, to date someone rather than befriend them, you are not really just their friend. You are a guy trying to date them, maybe who they know is trying, maybe they don't know (depends on the situation, the girl, and the guy), who is going to be frustrated with only friendship. In those cases, you're WAY better off seeing if they'd date you from the beginning. I do believe that relationships can emerge from organic friendships, but they emerge---they are not "plotted." 2
Author Els Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 I think in most happy marriages, the couple are best friends. Hubby and I are best friends. My parents are best friends. All the great couples I know are best friends. They may not have been friends FIRST, and I think the reason for that is that people don't get married so young as the couple in the article. My HS sweetheart was my friend first because we were kids together! If he hadn't passed away, I truly would've married my best friend from childhood. But there would be no reason for me, in this culture which is not conservative by nature, where I can date and romance men openly, to be "just friends" with a guy I find dead-sexy. Unless I was dating someone else, I guess, but then it's kind of dangerous to become too close friends with someone you feel that drawn to. Granted, I have dated friends, when it emerged organically, and I think it's a weird thing to "rule out" but I don't think many people do perse. Some people do worry about "ruining the friendship" but that's more worries about lasting compatibility and/or having their feelings reciprocated rather than a desire not to date friends; there's also an issue with mucking about in a circle of friends, of course, where a fella might have dated another friend first and you want to be socially appropriate. In a more conservative culture and time, like the couple in the article experienced, that was not such an issue, really. Still some maybe but not much. I think plenty of people consider a good relationship to include friendship. I just think they don't want to force the person to be a friend first AND that most people's friends are their friends and were never lovers or potentials in the first place because they didn't want to jump their bones, ever! Oh, I definitely agree with all of the above. The 'ruling out friends' thing is only a part of the whole issue. There are other related things that people do as well IMO, such as putting friends above partner, or not even attempting to become 'best friends' with one's partner. You make a good point about the 'friendzone' term being used wrongly to let down a person as well, I hadn't thought about that. I do feel that there are people who genuinely believe in never making a friend a date, though.
Author Els Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 There needs to be a sexual attraction. I think the term "friend" gets used as an easy rejection, when the truth is "I'm not sexually attracted to you". On the other hand, if she is attracted to a friend, but she had a bf for a while....and then they break up.....she'll date her friend. Happens all the time. Yeah, the bolded was the case with me and the bf, though we still remained 'friends' for quite a bit even after the breakup (I think he was afraid to make a move too soon ).
zengirl Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Oh, I definitely agree with all of the above. The 'ruling out friends' thing is only a part of the whole issue. There are other related things that people do as well IMO, such as putting friends above partner, or not even attempting to become 'best friends' with one's partner. You make a good point about the 'friendzone' term being used wrongly to let down a person as well, I hadn't thought about that. I do feel that there are people who genuinely believe in never making a friend a date, though. I feel there are people who do that (and all sorts of other things) but I wouldn't classify the "keeping friendship out of dating" as an aspect of our culture is all. I think our culture very much tells us to be friends with the ones we date! I think most people who seek serious relationships do look for that, and you can actually use it as good criteria to who is relationship material or not. Which is not to say they date ALL their friends (clearly, if they aren't into their friends, that's fine) or even have any friends who are appropriate to date, but that they make friends out of the people they date and achieve that closeness in their relationships.
Author Els Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 I wouldn't say it's 'part of culture' per se - I'm not sure about the % of people who refuse that, and whether or not they are the majority. But it does seem to be a growing trend. Granted, my main source of knowledge of American dating culture comes from this site, so I could be wrong. I definitely don't know many people IRL at all who are that way, but I thought it was because I come from an Asian culture.
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