Would men marry a woman they didn't love?

February 23, 2012

I suppose I could marry someone that doesn't blow my hair back on every though of her but I just would never consider it with someone who would act contemptuously toward me. I will not have it and I know many guys including two of my brothers whose wives treat them with contempt openly. I'd die alone and proud of it before accepting that.

That's something that bothers me about some married women -- they seem to think that marriage is a license for them to treat a man contemptuously and belittle him in front of other people. And the men I see in relationships like this just take it rather than risk not seeing their kids 100% of the time. So then, of course, the kids learn to believe that this is how married people are supposed to treat each other, and then the cycle continues.

February 23, 2012

Glad to see everything is still working out fine on LS, where a thread about why men express a stronger desire to be married, regardless of being in love, turns into an indictment of married women. Anyone else see the contradiction there? The stats, however, be they cumulated by a dating site or by sociologists, does not support the idea that marriage is hellish for men.

Nightsky and Vrzhon: interesting debates. I'm with White Chocolate. I think it's a cumulation of both. The health effects are carried over time. Meaning, it isn't that healthier men get married, it's that they stay healthy longer once married. (Not because women nag, but because in marriage, to this day, women still tend to cook more often. As such, married men are more likely to eat healthier, homemade meals than non married men. Ps: what's wrong with giving credit where credit is due?).

Another interesting thing: the fact that men are generally happier in marriage (I haven't seen any studies where this has been shown to diminish, not on scholarly databases) also might explain why they are least likely to initiate a separation and suffer the most through the process of separation. That more of them (and face it it's only slightly more men than women) could marry without being in love could perhaps be correlated with the fact that more of them could (stay married even if / not notice when ) their marriage is growing stale.

Edited February 23, 2012 by Kamille

February 23, 2012

you (man or woman) have to be stupid to marry someone whom you do not love.

February 23, 2012

I think the problem with the question comes down to defining "love." I do not believe very many men would marry a woman they didn't appreciate, trust, and think could make them happy, but I do think more men would say they don't need "love" as the romantic ideal. Sanman's post is a good analysis.

Glad to see everything is still working out fine on LS, where a thread about why men express a stronger desire to be married, regardless of being in love, turns into an indictment of married women. Anyone else see the contradiction there? The stats, however, be they cumulated by a dating site or by sociologists, does not support the idea that marriage is hellish for men.

Nightsky and Vrzhon: interesting debates. I'm with White Chocolate. I think it's a cumulation of both. The health effects are carried over time. Meaning, it isn't that healthier men get married, it's that they stay healthy longer once married. (Not because women nag, but because in marriage, to this day, women still tend to cook more often. As such, married men are more likely to eat healthier, homemade meals than non married men. Ps: what's wrong with giving credit where credit is due?).

Another interesting thing: the fact that men are generally happier in marriage (I haven't seen any studies where this has been shown to diminish, not on scholarly databases) also might explain why they are least likely to initiate a separation and suffer the most through the process of separation. That more of them (and face it it's only slightly more men than women) could marry without being in love could perhaps be correlated with the fact that more of them could (stay married even if / not notice when ) their marriage is growing stale.

Personally, I don't think the increased health of married men is linked to diet or doctor's visits (though diet makes a fair case). I think it's linked to the role stress and happiness play on health. It has been shown in study after study, as you note, that married men have notably LESS stress and MORE happiness than single men by a wide margin (on average), especially as they age. Honestly, stress is the difference between sickness and health in many, many cases. There's a lot we don't know about the body and the mind, but we can prove a good many correlations on how stress invites or worsens disease. Diet may play a role too, as Kamille notes, but I think it's mostly secondary. I think long-time single men actually learn to eat rather well---it's usually young men or men who HAVE been married who cannot fare for themselves well IMO and that's even among my parent's generation. Additionally, many married couples don't cook healthy food. I just see too many variables in there to call constants. The decrease of stress is a much stronger, more constant statistic.

And the stress thing goes to the social nature of human beings and socialization. Men are not socialized to intimately share with other men (and men who learn to do so and find close enough male friends to truly intimately share will have a lot of their social burden relieved and perhaps less need for marriage) or even really intimately socialize in a non-romantic manner. Women are socialized to be able to do so and bring intimacy into friendships or so forth, simply because they're socialized to be more obviously emotional (men HAVE emotions, but have been socialized not to share them as openly). So, while I don't think it's about homophobia (as you'll see it even in the gay community in terms of men not 'sharing' openly with non-romantic partners), I think part of V's thesis there is correct.

And I think you're onto something about why men are less likely to initiate divorce, Kamille. Though I still think a good part of it is just that wives are more likely to file any kind of marital paperwork, so divorce papers as well. In most amicable divorces, the wife files the initial papers. Women are also trained to be the "organizers" of their relationships, in terms of general socialization, so this is no surprise.

February 23, 2012

I could never marry somebody I am not in love with.

I think men initiate seperations less because we don't feel the need for all the stars to perfectly align all the time in order to feel like we have't settled. We know that is just fantasy while women still expect things to be like some romance novel 24/7 and god help a man if he can't provide that. Men seem to get the message much quicker that life is not the fantasy it is portrayed as in the movies.

February 23, 2012

And I think you're onto something about why men are less likely to initiate divorce, Kamille. Though I still think a good part of it is just that wives are more likely to file any kind of marital paperwork, so divorce papers as well. In most amicable divorces, the wife files the initial papers. Women are also trained to be the "organizers" of their relationships, in terms of general socialization, so this is no surprise.

I think men are okay with being "content," whereas women are more likely to want to be happy.

I think men initiate seperations less because we don't feel the need for all the stars to perfectly align all the time in order to feel like we have't settled. We know that is just fantasy while women still expect things to be like some romance novel 24/7 and god help a man if he can't provide that. Men seem to get the message much quicker that life is not the fantasy it is portrayed as in the movies.

While I can agree that many men are realistic about marriage, in my experience women don't expect a romance novel.

The only people I know who have divorced have done so for legitimate reasons, such as alcoholism and infidelity. There were a few strange ones, like a friend of my mom's who wanted to go back to college and have a career (after the kids were grown) who divorced her husband when he adamantly said no, but I have never witnessed a woman leaving her husband over a lack of roses and love letters.

February 23, 2012

While I don't know what happens behind closed doors I have seen plenty of divorces happen because she needs to find herself or he is not like the men in movies. I have actually had men tell me their wives used that line.

Men seem to be aware that life is full of bumps and happiness is what you make it while women tend to just pick apart every little flaw they can find instead of looking at the bigger picture. One example is how my ex fumed nearly the entire vacation because our hotel room was ready a half an hour later than they said it would be and she just freaked out. From what other men tell me scenarios like this are not uncommon.

February 23, 2012

While I can agree that many men are realistic about marriage, in my experience women don't expect a romance novel.

I personally know a handful of women that left good men (men they described as good men) for more excitement, romance, whatever.

While the men tend to stay married, and just look for the excitement and romance on the side

February 23, 2012

I think men are okay with being "content," whereas women are more likely to want to be happy.

Hmm, I don't see a vast difference between the two words. If anything, contentment is better---it's longer lasting. At any rate, I think men are taught to keep their yaps shut about their unhappiness is all. Women are more likely to try to talk about why their unhappy (perhaps in an idea of fixing it, though it may not work out that way) than men are. Men are more likely to just bury it than women are, though certainly not all men will!

I personally know a handful of women that left good men (men they described as good men) for more excitement, romance, whatever.

While the men tend to stay married, and just look for the excitement and romance on the side

This is probably true as well.

February 23, 2012

I personally know a handful of women that left good men (men they described as good men) for more excitement, romance, whatever.

While the men tend to stay married, and just look for the excitement and romance on the side

Haha I think that's pretty true as well!

February 23, 2012

Hmm, I don't see a vast difference between the two words. If anything, contentment is better---it's longer lasting.

Well, by contentment I meant the some men that are content to have dinner on the table, clean clothes in the closet, someone to discuss their days with, and their kids under the same roof as them seven days a week. I think women are more likely to strive to be actually happy, meaning having a husband that talks to her, makes plans with her, and has fun with her. I'm oversimplifying, but the point is that issues with the marriage could directly impact those things that are important to a woman in a marriage whereas they can be distance second to having basic needs met for a man.

I personally know a handful of women that left good men (men they described as good men) for more excitement, romance, whatever.

While the men tend to stay married, and just look for the excitement and romance on the side

Ha! Probably true as well. As for leaving good men, I do know some women that would consider their husbands/exes to be good men on paper -- good providers, good fathers, etc. But if a marriage lacks sex, or an emotional connection, or even any common interests, a woman definitely might want to look somewhere else. But that doesn't mean she's getting her definition of marriage from a romance novel.

Edited February 23, 2012 by maybealone

February 23, 2012

I look at this the same way I look at those sex doll robot things: right now, at (almost) 24 years of age I wouldn't do it. If I'm 35 and in the same position, maybe I start looking at this differently.

February 23, 2012

Personally I do not understand the need to even get married or have kids and hence the need for some people to settle. I never get lonely even when single for 5 plus years at a time. I'm a female btw and in my thirties and I can envision myself being alone until I die without any loneliness or the need to have a partner.

I don't get why people need this so much that they would settle? Personally I don't particularly like being around most people; I find it more blissful to be alone and to have no one in my house. No one to move around in the bed or eat my food or touch my stuff.

Why do people feel lonely at being single? I can be single indefinitely and die an old person without a male and not feel alone. Never felt the need for a husband or "love" from a man in order to be

Thank you, right on, enjoy life, have fun

February 23, 2012

"If you're waiting for the perfect one...she's never going to come along, you'll be looking forever"

This totally doesn't mean they settled! It means: if you're in love but disappointed that your lover has flaws, don't dump them just yet hoping you'll find someone perfect.

Personally I do not understand the need to even get married or have kids and hence the need for some people to settle. I never get lonely even when single for 5 plus years at a time. I'm a female btw and in my thirties and I can envision myself being alone until I die without any loneliness or the need to have a partner.

I so wish I were like this!

There are such things as marriages of convenience. I can see this especially being true in older folks whom have lost their partner to death. They can feel lost without someone to "take care of" and will simply accept a willing partner who is decent and loyal.

Nonetheless, older folks are much less willing to partner with anyone; they've either been by themselves for too long or with someone else, and can't get used to a new walking bundle of flaws, quirks, and habits.

Oh, the dailyfail reporting on a confirmation biased uncontrolled survey to draw failed conclusions about the general population.

Hm... good point. I think TBF is trying to say that the dating sites benefit from (unattractive) people hoping they can end up married without sweeping someone off of their feet. I am sure some of the guys who approach me on those sites don't hope I'd fall in love with their pictures... or at least, I hope they don't hope.

I personally know a handful of women that left good men (men they described as good men) for more excitement, romance, whatever.

While the men tend to stay married, and just look for the excitement and romance on the side

Good point. We don't calculate affairs into the divorce statistics. But I wouldn't assume that men are more prone to this than women. Often, both partners cheat. And it's not always clear who is the cause of a divorce.

February 23, 2012

Nonetheless, older folks are much less willing to partner with anyone; they've either been by themselves for too long or with someone else, and can't get used to a new walking bundle of flaws, quirks, and habits.

Not according to this article. My aunt was divorced when she was sixty and her sex life was more active than mine. She once confessed that her boyfriend, 64, and she had had sex four times a day when they went on vacation.

February 23, 2012

Looks like match.com conducted a survey that says many would.

My dad did it. He married this woman within months of meeting her. She was half his age. She needed citizenship and to get her daughter into the U.S. He wanted sex and a trim, cute young trophy at his side. When they divorced, he even admitted that he just married her to help her out because he felt sorry for her. And without saying, we know it's because he got lots of sex in return.

February 23, 2012

Many, many people--both men and women--marry people they are less than madly in love with. Too, too many people settle!!!! No wonder the rate of infidelity is so high.

In a way, I don't really blame people for settling. You can be holding out for a REEEEEEEALLY long time for that "One". That Soul Mate. Loneliness can become crushing. People give up on finding Mr. or Mrs. Right and settle for Mr. or Mrs. "Good Enough". And then have passionate affairs, much of the time.

I don't know what the answer is; there is no easy answer. Do you settle? Do you wait? Everyone has to puzzle this out for him or herself. I've had a couple of men end relationships with me because, at the end of the day, I was not the girl they wanted to marry and spend the rest of their lives with. I'm glad these men DIDN'T settle for me. I don't want to be settled for.

But, I do get awful lonely. I don't know.

I second this. A lot of people marry just want to settle down! But I just think that a lot of people are azy and settle for the closet suitable partners available to them?

I use to say that I'll never get married (when in my twenties). But now I do see the logic of "settling down." I do get the lonely bug here and there.

February 23, 2012

Would men marry a woman they didn't love?

sure they would. they marry the plain jane to have a nice cozy home and then cheat on her with someone they REALLY want.

porn, hookers and strip clubs are living proof that men are never happy with what they have at home and that they obviously are married to women they don't really love and desire. not to mention the exploding cheating and divorce rates.

February 23, 2012

sure they would. they marry the plain jane to have a nice cozy home and then cheat on her with someone they REALLY want.

porn, hookers and strip clubs are living proof that men are never happy with what they have at home and that they obviously are married to women they don't really love and desire. not to mention the exploding cheating and divorce rates.

Yes, and I would apply this to women too. This whole "soulmate" and "the one" delusions have really altered peoples perceptions and I think that is one of the biggest reasons this is happening. People can have something good but if it's not "perfect" then it's insufficient. All these Hollywood films and romance novels really stress how amazing it would be to have that "perfect" guy or girl, but the truth is, they don't exist.

Hundreds of years ago people didn't have this problem. Why? Because this ridiculous concept didn't exist. Now that it does, all people ever do is complain that they can't find anyone good enough (myself included). It's a mentality that shapes the dating world and not for the better.

February 23, 2012

I think men initiate seperations less because we don't feel the need for all the stars to perfectly align all the time in order to feel like we have't settled. We know that is just fantasy while women still expect things to be like some romance novel 24/7 and god help a man if he can't provide that. Men seem to get the message much quicker that life is not the fantasy it is portrayed as in the movies.

right, thats why they hang out in strip clubs, watch porn cos wrinkly ol' wifey can't get them hard anymore, bang hookers on the side and dump the wife for the secretary after 20 years. clearly men get the message that life is not a fantasy - that's why they are trying to make the fantasy come true every chance they get.

February 23, 2012

That's something that bothers me about some married women -- they seem to think that marriage is a license for them to treat a man contemptuously and belittle him in front of other people. And the men I see in relationships like this just take it rather than risk not seeing their kids 100% of the time. So then, of course, the kids learn to believe that this is how married people are supposed to treat each other, and then the cycle continues.

Indeed. My mom would eat my dad's face off for a transgression even though he was killing himself to work three jobs to support us. I swore that would never happen to me, but it's strange that two of my brothers settle for relationships in which they periodically take crap in front of other's I'd drown a nag for.

February 23, 2012

right, thats why they hang out in strip clubs, watch porn cos wrinkly ol' wifey can't get them hard anymore, bang hookers on the side and dump the wife for the secretary after 20 years. clearly men get the message that life is not a fantasy - that's why they are trying to make the fantasy come true every chance they get.

Nothing wrong with any of this. It's the way of life, some guys can't get a date to save their life while others get all kinds of women. Sounds fair to me.

February 23, 2012

...
Nonetheless, older folks are much less willing to partner with anyone; they've either been by themselves for too long or with someone else, and can't get used to a new walking bundle of flaws, quirks, and habits...

Not older folks and elderly men and women whom have looong been married and lived in dependent relationships whom have lost their partners over "natural causes". Many marriages of convenience take place in this demographic where romantic love has long been seen as the province of the youthful--post menapausal women, older guys with ED et al. People who have been independent for decades are less inclined to marry for convenience because of the reasons you mention.

February 23, 2012

I only watch porn and go to strip clubs when I am single. It is better than nothing when you get horny but I would never take it over my wife.

February 23, 2012

I wouldn't marry a woman, period.

But I'd sure shack up with a woman I didn't love, as long as I thought she was hot.

Sign In

Would men marry a woman they didn't love?

Recommended Posts

maybealone

Kamille

Pyro

zengirl

Woggle

maybealone

Woggle

xxoo

zengirl

verhrzn

maybealone

fortyninethousand322

cutecatch

RecordProducer

FitChick

setsenia

mtber75

Negative Nancy

FrustratedStandards

Negative Nancy

Feelin Frisky

fortyninethousand322

Feelin Frisky

Woggle

Ross MwcFan

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...