FearfulFuture Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Hi there! Ive read a few posts on here recently and found some kind of comfort in them so thought it was time to share my story and see if i can seek some help directly, any advice would be greatly welcomed! Last week my gf of 4.5 years decided she would come home and tell me that she "can't do this anymore" (relationship/living together). Her reason being "she doesn't love me anymore" (rough)! We haven't been entirely happy for several months in all honesty but this still doesn't make things any easier and although i have felt unhappy at times, i believed love was something you always felt and bad times should be worked through. Besides, we brought an apartment and have so many responsibilities together. Anyway, im holding out surprisingly well at the moment but fear that may be because 1) It wasn't a complete shock 2) I felt unloved and distant towards the end and 3) We still live together so haven't gotten to the miss you stage right now! We brought our apartment with help from parents so we have to live together until we decide what to do with the place because of the invested money (sell it and lose money or one of us take it on and struggle, after buying out of course). Its so hard to go from cuddles, sex, sleeping in the same bed to cold hellos, sitting in different rooms and wondering where the hell she is when she hasn't come home at the usual time. We're both out as much as possible but we still sleep there, in different rooms i may add. Well, that was until tonight when we had a massive arguement and i said some nasty things and she just took off with an over night bag. I regret letting my emotions get the better of me but i am so frustrated with her giving up on everything we have, not saying something sooner and for being a total b**ch (not just on this occasion). Trust me if anyone should have fallen out of love it should have been me with what i've put up with from her. But maybe thats the push/pull factor in full swing, i pushed so hard when at times i should have pulled. So you see, im not blaming myself (much) or regretting how i treated her because i honestly believe i stuck by her when many others wouldn't which could be the reason i feel semi ok. She made it perfectly clear she didn't love me which also helps me accept things, who wants to be with someone who doesn't love them, right? so i guess these things are softening the blow. And although im writing as if im strong its only at certain times, tomorrow i maybe writing in a totally negative way. I wish some sort of miracle would wash over and clear this all up and take us back to happier times and yet after how i was treated i dont think i can go back. Anyway i could go on more with details but i can follow up later. My search for advice and help starts with; can you really fall out of love or is that an excuse?, how do i do no contact when living with someone and does that mean that by the time i can do full NC any chance of her missing me/regretting things would have changed? and have i killed everything and let myself down by shouting and saying some hurtful things during an arguement 7 days after break up? Really would appreciate some help folks, thanks in advance.
Thatguyintx Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 can you really fall out of love or is that an excuse? I think it's mostly an excuse. Love is an action. You either actively choose to love someone or you choose not to love them. Of course it can change, but call me naive, real deep love perseveres and works through issues. When I am in love, I work issues until they can't be worked anymore. I don't give up easily. Admittedly, this has caused me more pain when I probably should have been running for the hills. I have really only loved two women in my 40-plus years. But, I worked on those relationships until it was so obvious they wouldn't work out. I wanted to know I had done EVERYTHING I could do. Just my humble opinion. I wish you a miracle as well. But in the meantime, take care of you. 1
Numb79 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I really don't think you can fall out of love. I think there comes a time when people are just fed up and are willing to cut their losses and move on. I believe that is what happened to me after my gf of 5 yrs decided to call it quits. There is really nothing you can do at this point....... odds are she has thought about it over and over and just didn't know how to pull the trigger. All relationships are not meant to work out. You just have to learn from them. NC is really tough though.... many people on here can attest to that. I can only imagine how hard it will be for you since the two of you share an apt. In my situation, she lives in Canada and I live in the USA..... you would think that the distance would make it easier but, it does not. No matter how far you are from the person it doesn't really matter because everything is in your head. I have yet to learn how to shut off my brain and to make things worse is that I broke my foot...... So all I do is lay on the couch and my mind just keeps on wandering.... I really feel for you.... I am not going to give you some cliche' advice or anything like that. The reality is..... ITS OVER and you will have to try and accept that. Will it be over for good? Who knows..... but don't hold onto false hope.... False hope will drive you insane..... Everyone says just move on with your life.... keep yourself busy.... and all that other random stuff. But as well know it is alot easier said than done. I don't even know if I am even offering you any help at this moment.... maybe I am trying to convince myself at the moment... So I guess, we should all just take everything at face value and not disect the situation.... just leave it the way it is.... and do our best to cope with it. Do what you need to get through this time...... no one said this was going to be easy..... Just hang in there....... as cliche' as this may sound.... "it will pass" How long it takes will depend on how you handle the situation...... 1
rach24680 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Hi, first and foremost.. You cannot get angry with yourself for saying some hurtful things, its healthy for u to vent and she must have expected it, if she doesnt love you anymore then dont worry about hurting her feelings! and as for blowing it - would you really want to try again with someone who doesnt love you? I dont believe you can fall out of love but only because it hasnt happened to me. I still love my boyfriend of 4 years even though i broke up with him for cheating on me, so falling out of live fir no 'good' reason seems strange, although in a long term relationship things need to be worked on more i dnt beluve love just goes away. As for no contact - its impossible to live together with no contact, the whole point is to be away from each other! Maybe u can be the bigger person n stay at a friend or relatives for a few weeks until u decide to meet up to talk about finances? Hope this helps! 1
Philosoraptor Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 You wont heal while living with this person. So you must push the issue and demand a decision on what is going to happen with the shared property. Speak to a lawyer (consultation is usually free) after running all of your financial numbers and ask for his or her professional opinion. Personally I'd offer her the option of keeping it and find myself somewhere to live (why stay with the memories?). Right now you need to not worry about her and instead take care of yourself.
Author FearfulFuture Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Wow thanks guys, im amazed people have taken the time to read my sad and probably dull story and then had the kindness to write, i thank each of you very much. Well today was tough, a day at work going over last nights exchange of harsh words and trying to guess the damage it has caused. I sent her a text last night apologizing for being out of order and said i didn't want our last memories of each other to be of anger and hate. I had no reply and she has not returned home for a second night. I guess im getting my no contact now though! Rach24680 you are completely right, i do not want to be with someone who doesn't love me, i know this but i still keep flashing back to the times (not so distant) when we were really good together, the laughter we had the amazing holidays we shared and the admiration we once mutually felt. This was all present 6 months ago and i cant understand how a few months of arguing and not getting along can override 4 years of happy times. Im angry someone can just give up and destroy so much, so the reason i worry about blowing things is because although things aren't right, maybe after several months apart she may realise what she lost, not so we can reconcile but it will make me feel i wasn't all that bad. I have accepted its over and trying to let go of any last bit of hope, but if one day she will contact me and realise her losses it might help me feel i have a little control back. Is that selfish of me or am i just being stupid? It is so hard right now but your advice is being taken very seriously so i do appreciate any further input. I know she's looking to rent an apartment soon so i hope this living together thing won't last too much longer but now i fear she will just move in with a friend (close to my town), be out partying every night while im in our home struggling to pay and left to ponder over how things have come to this. I just feel a failure and scared for the future. The thoughts of her with someone else are over powering at times and sometimes i still cant believe this is happening to me (us).
KathyM Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Love is an emotion. It can rise and wane, depending on how you are treated by a person. Being treated badly can certainly kill off any feelings of love a person has over time. It is possible to rekindle it though if two people can agree to put the past behind them and start treating each other in a loving way. For people who are merely dating or just living together, it probably doesn't make sense to try to save it if it's gotten to the point that there are no feelings for the person anymore.
GKM Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 like you I also believed that you have ups and downs but love is about commitment and staying together through it all. Like you at 5 years I was just dumped out of the blue (right before a vacation together- he canceled my ticket without even talking to me first!) Everyone says the same 'move on' etc etc, but I dont think there is any easy fix. It SUCKS, its hard to focus, I feel angry/hurt/sad/depressed/grief stricken and messed up. I dont see a way out of it but time+therapy right now! And I still love him. Which REALLY is awful. I cant believe he broke my heart :'(
fetish1980 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) I don't believe people really fall out of love, but i do think every couple reaches a point where just love isn't enough. For a relationship to work out long term there needs to be a combination of love, trust, respect, loyalty, and committment. My ex of 8 years decided to move out last year February in the middle of our engagement. There were already trust issues arising over finances. She chose to move out rather than work on our relationship, so we broke up in the process. It was the most difficult period of my life. Can your relationship be rekindled? Yes, it probably can, but as someone mentioned earlier, it would have to be from both sides and both sides would have to be willing to put the past behind them. That's not always easy to do. As in my case, my ex has tried to come back, but i suffered too much emotional pain and blow to my self esteem, i can't trust her again! You'll know when the time is right. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. If you're keeping your guard up because of something she did from the past, the time isn't right. Doesn't make you a bad person or someone who can't let go or forgive. As humans, we have to be cautious. If you get burned by a hot stove, it only makes sense using past occurences to not want to touch a hot stove again. fetish Edited February 23, 2012 by fetish1980
Author FearfulFuture Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Great words everyone, i hope there are many people reading through this in similar situations who are getting just as much help as i. I am at this moment struggling with a whole wave of different emotions, i felt i was doing good the last two days and after an arguement although minor regrets, found myself believing that she is not a nice person and its good we are separating. BANG! just like that a new wave of opposite feelings have arrived, WHY can't we make this work?, she IS a lovely person, WHAT am i going to do without her? This is awful, I appreciate so many of you are also in this situation or have been before and i believe you when you say it gets easier, just cant wait to get there now. Fetish1980, you say she came back, how long was this and did you feel better when she wanted you back? I too couldn't trust her again, if she can walk away so easy this time, what would stop them doing it all over? Does anyone here have any insight on whether the dumper has just as much difficulty dealing with a break up?
fetish1980 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Fetish1980, you say she came back, how long was this and did you feel better when she wanted you back? I too couldn't trust her again, if she can walk away so easy this time, what would stop them doing it all over? There would be several periods where she would see if getting back together was possible. She left in February 2011, mentioned getting back together in June, then July. Then in December and actually wanted to move back in with me just last month (January). Since i last declined, I haven't really heard from her. It's all about weighing your options. I still love my ex, that part is a given. But at the same time, i have to love myself more. She tries to act like she's done all this changing and growing up, but she still does many of the same things like: pointing the finger, gaslighting (trying to shift blame from her own issues on to someone else),and she's still bad with money. So i have to decide what's best for me. And believe me, it's hard. I pitty her sometimes and feel bad for not taking her back, but again, I've learned to love myself before anyone else. I can't forget the excrutiating pain and humiliation i suffered when she left. I felt abandoned and thrown away like yesterday's garbage. I was a wreck. Fearfulfuture, i understand you fearing the future becaue its unknown. Believe me, i go through the same thing. The past is familiar so we try to hold on to it. But believe me, if you focus on activities that build your mind, body, and spirit, you will rise above this and will make way for new and better things to come. May be easier said than done, but as long as you guys are living together, you can't really start this process and it will keep you stuck longer. I would suggest you talk to her and decide if you guys want to try and work things out, if not someone has to go. fetish
Author FearfulFuture Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 @Fetish I have just looked over some of your old posts and i am quite shocked at how alike your situation and fears were at the beginning of your break up. I am very happy that you have come such a long way and can even report on stories of your ex coming back, you did good. You mentioned that you felt you were the more sensitive one and how you felt like such a punk, very much how im feeling right now. A lot about your past relationship rings very true to my own so i can relate. One of your posts was titled 'the thought of your ex with someone else' and you asked how to deal with that burning question that is on everyone's minds (mine especially). Everything you described is exactly how i feel at this present time and so im asking, how did you deal with it? Did she in fact get intimate with another guy (to your knowledge) and if so how do you get your head around that? So many questions and i apologize for rambling on but this is one thing i could really use extra help on! Im sorry to everyone else, im still grateful to receive more input on my current situation and also appreciative of those who have helped so far. It seems like a long road ahead but the good people of LS are doing a mighty fine job and i hope when i reach the other side i can go on to help others equally as you have me. I thank you
fetish1980 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 @Fetish I have just looked over some of your old posts and i am quite shocked at how alike your situation and fears were at the beginning of your break up. I am very happy that you have come such a long way and can even report on stories of your ex coming back, you did good. You mentioned that you felt you were the more sensitive one and how you felt like such a punk, very much how im feeling right now. A lot about your past relationship rings very true to my own so i can relate. One of your posts was titled 'the thought of your ex with someone else' and you asked how to deal with that burning question that is on everyone's minds (mine especially). Everything you described is exactly how i feel at this present time and so im asking, how did you deal with it? Did she in fact get intimate with another guy (to your knowledge) and if so how do you get your head around that? So many questions and i apologize for rambling on but this is one thing i could really use extra help on! Im sorry to everyone else, im still grateful to receive more input on my current situation and also appreciative of those who have helped so far. It seems like a long road ahead but the good people of LS are doing a mighty fine job and i hope when i reach the other side i can go on to help others equally as you have me. I thank you I'm glad you were able to find my old "fetish" account that had my earlier posts. That was when i was most vulnerable (at the beginning of our break up). I felt like a punk because i did everything i could for that woman, loved her with all my heart, and she practically spit in my face. Yes, i remember dealing with this and starting that thread ... spawning from dreams of her walking and holding hands with someone else and kissing. After 4 months into our break, she admitted to going on dates but claimed she hadn't been intimate with anyone because she had missed me. The girl has told enough lies, i've just accepted the fact that she more than likely has slept with someone. I told her not to share anything with me regarding that because i didn't want to hear it. The only thing that helped me in the beginning was to not think about it. Thinking about that will sure drive you crazy. I started reading self help books, getting involved with my hobbies, leaning on loveshack for support, getting out and meeting new people. That's why i stated earlier that you need to separate from living together ASAP. Once you do that, you can reshift all your focus on to yourself. Having to see her everyday is only going to keep your mind and emotions in quicksand. fetish
Headintheclouds Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Wow man I really can't believe how parallel our situations are. My ex and I were super distant towards the end and I at times thought about ending it. We had a conversation a couple weeks ago and bam! It was over. I told her that were crazy to just throw this away, but she said she just does't have the feelings for me anymore. The only thing that made sense to me was that she found someone and was able to finally push me away. Well, fast forward 2 weeks. I'm stuck living with her for another month. As you probably read in my thread, last night she didn't come home. In fact, she still isn't home right now. I know she is with someone else and its obvious that she stayed with him last night. I haven't seen her but I really don't know how I'm going to react. As fetish said, its like she spit in my face. We had a strong connection and I've known her for 11 years. Never did I ever see the potential for this within her. She was always trustworthy, and did everything for me. I even think back a month or so and everything seemed fine. We definitely had some distance between us but it was because we were to complacent and comfortable. We didn't feel the need to even try. Anyways, I, as you have been strong throughout this. We have had a couple conversations that both got a little out of hand, but were both calmed back down and ended with a hug. I haven't lost my mind around her as I have with past relationships. The loss of self respect killed me, and I never want to feel that again. I have been civil with her, and respected her. Right now she is so far gone. I don't even know who she is anymore. Its like it doesn't even phase her. When I speak to her, she doesn't want to listen. Nothing works. Nothing matters. Whats done is done and I have accepted that it is over. As it sits we aren't going to be able to move out until the end of March. 1 More month stuck in hell. I feel your pain man. I don't know what else to say but to keep your emotions out of it when you are around her. Be concise, be direct, and resolve the main issue which is your living situation. I know if I was out of my living situation that I would be so much better off. You will be too. There are no words to describe how bad this sucks. Just stay focused on the other side.
Author FearfulFuture Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 I know HITC, scary how similar this all is. I am for the moment being quite strong (although i feel so weak within), just listening to the advice on here is helping me with what is in fact the hardest time of my life and i am putting the advice into practice. I think the situation with me is a case of i loved her at the end more than she loved me (always available, clingy, needy) all of that because i could sense the relationship slipping away. That combined with G.I.G.S has not helped my case. So now i have flipped 180 degrees and started acting confident, unconcerned and as i said strong. This is for two reasons, mainly for my dignity and pride, i have totally accepted things and know myself things could not work between us right now and secondly because like everyone here, i truly still love my ex (2 weeks since BU) and if this (being strong) will help her realize down the line what a mistake it is, i will seek some comfort in her getting in touch. NC is not an option at the moment due to our living situation and every time she mentions moving out some stuff or having to talk about what will happen to our apartment, i die a little bit every single time. My worry is that it is such a hassle and expense to sell 'our place' that when its finally done there is no chance of reconciliation down the line, NC will not in fact make her miss me as we have had these last few weeks getting use to the break up and detaching ourselves, therefore no realizations. I know this sounds selfish and very much as if i want her to come back but of course at the moment i do, who wouldn't? Im not saying i haven't accepted things as i would not actually take her back (it is broken now) but as i mentioned before it would 'soften the blow' if she broke NC as i would then believe she actually loved me once, all i feel now is resentment and like she never really cared at all. I feel for you HITC, it is an awful situation but i am keen to hear your developments, stories and how you are coping. Hopefully we can both share some tips on how to deal with living with an ex as we still both have a few weeks of this hell left. Anyone else been in this situation please feel free to jump aboard. The only difference with my situation is that (for the moment) there isn't anyone else. Okay, so she has been out the last two weekends and could have very much been intimate with someone (the thought makes me sick) but i know where she is/has been the rest of the weeks. I am sorry to hear your version of events has also thrown another dude into the frame, you are keeping it together brilliantly, keep going. I am just amazed as to how they carry on so easily, don't show any signs of sadness or remorse and as in my case, so eager to get away from you. Will she ever miss me after our 3 weeks of awkward living or was i that wussy guy i have heard so much about? I mean 4.5 years, she must have loved me, surely? Sorry im sounding a bit pathetic at the moment but im having an emotional day and i would rather vent here than to her. Thanks if you read this far. Any thoughts and advice welcomed.
Headintheclouds Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Fearful, I know EXACTLY what you mean about going through the whole apartment thing, and thinking there will never be a chance again. I feel the same way. Like, if we go through all of this mess, why would she ever want to be with me again. I know right now it won't work between us either, but I do have hope that someday she'll at least acknowledge some sort of feeling. Even if its regret, at least I know she feels something. Right now she hasn't given me an ounce of respect and barely has showed any emotion. After her not coming home saturday at all, she didn't get home until after 12:30 last night. I was sleeping, but of course I woke up when she walked in. I just pretended I was sleeping and tried to go back to bed in order to avoid any confrontation. I still don't know how I will handle the situation when I see her again (probably tonight). Part of me just wants to let it pass. The other part want to tell her that I want nothing more to do with her. Basically, to tell her that I don't want to hear a word from her unless it pertains to something about moving out of the apartment. Its all well and good to be the bigger individual. I think both you and I have been so far. I just want her to know how much she is hurting me with all of this. How am I coping? Well, thats hard to answer. I have so many people, both family and friends that have been talking to me 24/7. I have this message board. I feel like I'm exhausting my resources because this is being dragged on for so long. I've been through relationships that were this long. I was able to move out and move on. My stress, as yours comes from having to see this person face to face every day. I've been through many LTR's. This may sound cliche, but I thought she was "the one". From day 1 I never had a doubt about this girl. There was no BS. No Drama. I could trust her in a room full of naked men. This was what I was always looking for. The way that it ended for me, I don't know how I will ever look at another woman again. I still looked at her in they light until the day it ended. Right now she is someone completely different. Its insane. I can't point fingers, but how sure are you that there is no one else? I mean, it was the only thing that made sense to me in my situation. The truth didn't come out until later. I've been on the other side. I broke up a 2 yr relationship awhile back. Right when we broke up I found another girl almost immediately. I was able to push my ex away like it was nothing. I think I felt a little bad afterwards but not enough to try to get my ex back. I feel with the way my ex is being right now, that she will never come back around. Its just how she deals with things. Whats done is done.
Author FearfulFuture Posted February 28, 2012 Author Posted February 28, 2012 Thanks for the input HITC, as sad as both situations are i am thankful to have found LS and also an individual who is where i am at the same moment in time. I feel for you as i understand entirely how hard this is but i seek some comfort in knowing that there is another human out there being just as strong and coping with an absolute hellish ordeal. You point those fingers away HITC, i guess there is every possible chance someone else could be involved. It isn't a case of me denying the prospect of another guy, i am very realistic when it comes to these things. Its just that i have asked on several different occasions and of course after living together for 4.5 years i am more than familiar with her diary so i believe her and because we are living together i know (or think i know) where she is when not at home. Her reason is that she 'has fallen out of love' which is actually just as hurtful in itself, doesn't make me feel to fantastic about myself that is for sure. I guess im coping by being out (away from ex) as much as humanly possible, venting and seeking advice through LS and by forcing myself to be strong in front of her, just so i can take back some dignity. Although i think i may have slipped up recently as i have described on a reply to your thread. This ***t is hard and i never thought i would find myself in it, hope you are finding things easier in NYC.
Chi townD Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Are you sure there isn't anyone else in the picture? Where would she go for two nights with only an overnight bags?
NeverAgainDC Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Your situation sucks. I say this because I am in it as well and am FINALLY moving out tomorrow, three weeks after our breakup. Since you're the guy, pack up your stuff and find a temporary place to stay. I know some will say that she should leave since she broke up with you, but be the bigger person. Trust me, if there's any chance at reconciliation, this will help you out. Until you're able to move out, keep doing what you're doing in going out. I did the same thing, and after a week of doing it, my ex started to cry about me going out. To which I answered, "You wanted this, not me. I have to move on how I see fit." Harsh, but true. You need to look out for yourself. It's not easy, it sure as heck wasn't for me. But once I accepted the reality of the situation, it became a lot better. I was very respectful and nice to my ex, something she says that she will always remember because I handled the storm with maturity and class. It's tough when emotions are flaring. But know that a stable state of mind will get your through all of this. Look at places to stay as SOON as possible. You staying there with her will do nothing but escalate the situation. Keep your distance but don't be a jerk. Be polite to her and act like everything is cool. You're the guy in all of this, handle the situation like a gentleman and trust me, you'll end up on top at the end of it all. Best of luck dude.
Author FearfulFuture Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 @ Chi townD Well i guess you have a valid point. I assumed my ex was staying with many of her friends, i know she has stayed over there in the past few weeks but now i don't even ask the question (scared of the answer). After reading some of the replies i am now thinking maybe there is someone else. As i mentioned before when we broke up i asked the very question and was told straight that there wasn't another and i believed because my ex is the type of person who is pretty truthful/blunt and im sure would think nothing of telling me if there was somebody else. The mind does wonder now i have to be honest. @ NeverAgainDC Sorry to hear you are also in a similar situation to a couple of us on LS, it does indeed blow! How did the move go, emotional? Feelings changed? I only ask as it will be exactly 3 weeks after the breakup that we will be permantly parting ways, any insight to the feelings coming my way would be appreciated. Some very wise words from you and that makes me feel better about the way i am handling things. Sometimes i question my behavior (being too nice, should perhaps let her 'have it') but i am hoping months down the line i can look back and be proud of who i was and how i handled things. Of course a small part of me wants her to remember i was a good guy in the hope she will return to offer a decent explanation and bring back my self esteem. I am realizing with each day that we both weren't happy and that something like this had to happen, unfortunately with this feeling brings along the fact that i miss her, miss us and wish things could go back to happier times. After all living arrangements, bills and business is finalized i worry that this completely shuts the door, bolts the lock and nails in the final bored for any reconciliation, is this true after living with someone? The bad thoughts still way outnumbering the good. I wish you well on your move and would like to hear how things develop if you can find the time. Thanks
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