SJC2008 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Have had 3 dates so far. She's nice, I'm definately attracted to her and she is pretty funny. She has accepted small advances like holding hands and putting my arm around her and 2 end of date kisses (of which the last one was a bad one on my part). Anyway, she has yet to initiate contact with me on her own. Not even a simple text like "hey" or "what are you up to"?. Also, other asking me where I'm from she has yet to ask one single question about me. Being the overanalytical person I am. I have it narrowed down to being dating shy (she sure isn't socially shy), having a massive wall up, seeing how long I'll go without sex to see if I'm in it for more than that, or not really interested. I don't need her to fly a plane over my house saying "I like you" but a text hello or something every now and than won't hurt. I texted her today saying I might not go out next week as I am busy but keep in touch and I'll do the same and she said ok.I'm thinking of going NC to see if she'll contact me first. Is this dumb? Should I take it slow? I have no problem taking it slow but at least show me a little interest ya know? Opinions please!!! Am I out of touch or should I be expecting her to initiate contact by now?
InJest Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Are there any other girls you're seeing? I think you should keep her around but back off and also see other girls.
Arkaeology Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 This happened to me as well after two dates. I was also thinking about it too much (like you) and decided that to hell with it. I didn't see any interest on the 1st 2 dates or maybe I was just blind. I decided to back off a little bit and see if she would initiate communication. Sure enough, she did. We had the 3rd date and there were fireworks and the date went great. If she doesn't initiate well too bad for you. I'll count my loses and call it a day. In my case I even told here that if she didn't initiate anything after the 3rd date that I would have backed off completely and that was it. Boy was she glad she initiated
Author SJC2008 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 @Ark: Did you go NC? If so how long? I'm not dating anyone else right now. Now she has done a few subtle things to show interest but what bothered me the most was that we took a pic together and I put my arm around her and she didn't reciprocate. Then she tells me at the end of the date she had a good time and lets me kiss her??? I offered to pick her up for this date and when she texed me back she did not say no, she talked about something else like I never asked and I had to say alright we can meet up there if you can make it and she said ok. So she know's buy offering to meet her up there that I'm not just trying to bed her. Should I go full NC or just a few days?
Author SJC2008 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Sorry if this seems like I a bump but I'm just frustrated. I read stories of women sleeping with their dates on the 1st night and things like that. I'm not saying that's what I want but things like that are happening and I can't even get a a friggin text hello or something along those lines. I have no problmen taking it slow and she knows that since I haven't bolted after 3 dates with no sex. I'm a man and am not afraid to put myself on the line and face rejection (I once was) and have learned that if I ever want to meet someone I just have to put myself out there and whatever happens happens. But sometimes I get to to point where I'm so mad and think to myslef that women are lucky that the man has to put himself out there. I can piture a cartoon in my head with a woman sitting on a pool chair sipping on a pina colada with a hundred men in line with a bubble coming out of her mouth and inside of it it says "NEXT" so yes women are lucky in that sense and yes I know for every pissed man there's a pissed woman to go along with it. I just don't know what the hell to do.
TheFinalWord Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Sorry if this seems like I a bump but I'm just frustrated. I read stories of women sleeping with their dates on the 1st night and things like that. I'm not saying that's what I want but things like that are happening and I can't even get a a friggin text hello or something along those lines. I have no problmen taking it slow and she knows that since I haven't bolted after 3 dates with no sex. I'm a man and am not afraid to put myself on the line and face rejection (I once was) and have learned that if I ever want to meet someone I just have to put myself out there and whatever happens happens. But sometimes I get to to point where I'm so mad and think to myslef that women are lucky that the man has to put himself out there. I can piture a cartoon in my head with a woman sitting on a pool chair sipping on a pina colada with a hundred men in line with a bubble coming out of her mouth and inside of it it says "NEXT" so yes women are lucky in that sense and yes I know for every pissed man there's a pissed woman to go along with it. I just don't know what the hell to do. Whoa, my friend. Slow down and collect yourself. I don't agree with any of those scenarios you laid out... "being dating shy (she sure isn't socially shy), having a massive wall up, seeing how long I'll go without sex to see if I'm in it for more than that, or not really interested" She's gone out with you three times! If she didn't like you, you would not have gotten a second and third date. You are letting the probable cause that she may enjoy seeing you as a leader and extrapolating that out into really wild scenarios. There are pluses to her current behavior: 1) You aren't having your phone blown up with text messages 2) If she doesn't initiate right away and hasn't yet with you after three dates, she is probably a classy woman who takes her time getting to know someone 3) There's a lot of unknowns, it's a woman after all Just relax. Be glad you are having regular dates with her and you've kissed her twice! Don't try to encapsulate her or start demanding she do things. If you want her to ask about you, start asking her questions about herself. If you have something in common interject and share how you also do those things, share those views, or what have you. Lead the conversation!
Author SJC2008 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 I guess that's why you call yourself the final word! I appreciate your strait forwardness. I hope she's a classy woman because that's the kind of woman I want to be with. I always tell myself that there has to be a woman out there that will appreciate a man who will take the time to get to know her and mabye this is her. Who knows? Thanks for puting things in perspective.
filani Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I say go complete NC but before that put ur cards on the table as it were. Meet up with her one more time and tell her flat out that ur not getting any real commitment on her part and if she wants the "relationship" to move forward ,she's gonna have to WOMAN UP and show interest in you .none of that subtle stuff you claim she did .you're taking urself for granted dude and she's picking up on that and taking you for granted as well You've invested in her emotionally and financially far more than she has in you which makes for the imbalance you are feeling now. After 3 dates even the shyest woman in the world should be able to flat out show you that she wants you! After having a discussion with her along the lines I described tell her if she wants to see you again then she needs to pick up the phone , call you and ask you out on a date ! After this conversation you go total NC, don't text ,don't mail or anything During the NC period don't sit at home waiting for her to call. Get out and live ur life.Do ur hobbies ,hang out with ur friends or whatever but just live ur life !If she hasn,t called you to ask for a date after a week then forget about her, she's not really into you. If she does ask you out on a date then for pete's sake LET HER PAY FOR THE DATE ! I mean that , seriously. Remember this is about her showing interest in being with you and being willing to spend her time and money to that effect. If she's not willing to do that by now then cut her loose ,she's bad news. Please update us , I really want to know how this plays out for you.
TheFinalWord Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I guess that's why you call yourself the final word! I appreciate your strait forwardness. I hope she's a classy woman because that's the kind of woman I want to be with. I always tell myself that there has to be a woman out there that will appreciate a man who will take the time to get to know her and mabye this is her. Who knows? Thanks for puting things in perspective. haha no problem. Hope it helps. Actually I came up with that name b/c I broke up with my ex back in summer and I got the final word I wrote her a really nice letter and wished her all the best. She never spoke to me again, but the way I gave the final word in a positive way made me feel like I was the bigger person I definitely don't have all the answers to give the final word, but I'm learning a lot by reading these boards. Best of luck to you!
Arkaeology Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I say no contact for 3-7 days and see if she initiates anything. But like I said, don't sweat it too much. Live your life and women likes guys who have their ***** together in terms of what they want to do everyday. Let's be honest though, when you like someone, you think about them everyday but then again you have to realize that you have your own life to live. I also agree to the post above that she wouldn't have gone to a 2nd date if she's not interested. But as a tip for the ladies though, if the 1st date didn't go too well or if it wasn't horrible, please do agree to a second date and give us males the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes the first date is just filled with emotional jitters that the person you're interacting with is not his usual self. You might be surprise at what you might get on the 2nd date
ditzchic Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) I would advice against no contact. Dollars to donuts she isn't going to contact you and when you try to regain contact in a week or two she will have lost interest. Honestly, it sounds like she just really isn't that interested in you. "Dating shy" doesn't exist when the person isn't socially shy. You're either shy or your not. If she isn't shy but she isn't opening up to you, it's probably you not her. If you want to keep dating her keep dating her. Relax. Your inability to stop thinking and just go with it may be what is throwing her off and making her uncomfortable with you. Your goal is to get her comfortable with you. Reading into her every move isn't going to do that. Just go with the flow and let things happen. See what unfolds. Acting like you have an ulterior motive (gauging her interest) and "testing" her with everything you do, is the quickest way to make a girl uncomfortable. Edited February 23, 2012 by ditzchic
Author SJC2008 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Ditzchick you give some of the best advice on this forum IMO but when you say your inability to stop thinnking and just go with it may be what's throwing her off really confuses be because she has no idea what I'm thinking and I haven't made any "red flag" moves on my point IMO. Remember what I said about our arrangements for our 3rd date? We text a lot because we seem to miss each other on the phone a lot. I asked her a question about something and then I told her our plans for our 3rd date and offered to pick her up. She answered the question and THATS IT. So when I replied I said ok blah blah blah.... So what are you thinking for tomorrow? Would you rather meet up there? She said "Let's meet up there. Sounds like fun!". She's 32, she should of been adult enough to say it without me offering an alternative IMO. She's very hard to read. Ill give it a few days and see what happens and if it doesn't go anywhere I'm taking a serious break from dating, I'm exhausted.
ditzchic Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) Ditzchick you give some of the best advice on this forum IMO but when you say your inability to stop thinnking and just go with it may be what's throwing her off really confuses be because she has no idea what I'm thinking and I haven't made any "red flag" moves on my point IMO. Remember what I said about our arrangements for our 3rd date? We text a lot because we seem to miss each other on the phone a lot. I asked her a question about something and then I told her our plans for our 3rd date and offered to pick her up. She answered the question and THATS IT. So when I replied I said ok blah blah blah.... So what are you thinking for tomorrow? Would you rather meet up there? She said "Let's meet up there. Sounds like fun!". She's 32, she should of been adult enough to say it without me offering an alternative IMO. She's very hard to read. Ill give it a few days and see what happens and if it doesn't go anywhere I'm taking a serious break from dating, I'm exhausted. Thanks! I'm just saying that when someone is second guessing themselves and a girls every move, it is pretty easy to pick up on. If she's 32 she probably has some experience so she probably isn't super naive when it comes to the dating game. Even the best actors come across as actors. Albeit really good ones. She's probably noticed. But since she is going with the flow, she isn't making an issue out of it. You've posted about this girl quite a bit recently. It's nearly impossible for someone to keep a cool exterior when you are overthinking it to the extent that you are. Even the most cold can't hide that kind of emotional confusion. I dated a guy that was like that for the first couple of dates recently. He just seemed so eager and enthusiastic and like he was putting in ridiculous amounts of effort for someone he just met. Something just seemed off. I noticed that I was putting my walls up so I brought it up to him. He basically told me that he is a second guesser. He really liked me and wanted to keep me interested. He was always worried about what I was thinking so he had to go over the top to gauge my reaction. While that may have worked in my younger days, I'm old enough to recognize the BS now. And BS is a turn off. It really did make me uncomfortable around him and kill the attraction. The first couple of dates is about getting to know each other and seeing if you are compatible. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to make them great. If you have chemistry and are compatible they will be great. If you don't, they won't be. Simple as that. Trying not to do anything stupid to the point of anxiety causes people to do stupid things.... Edited February 23, 2012 by ditzchic
Author SJC2008 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 I'm not second guessing anything and have not seeked any validation from her. We have fun when we go out. I'm just saying she seems very private like she has a wall up or something. If we go out again I'll open up a little about myself and try to get her to open up.
Author SJC2008 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Ok I did some hard thinking and told myself to learn from my experiences ( it ever fails thread). Every woman is different and I need to treat them as such. She may very well be a traditional woman who wants the man to show all of the interst in the early stages. I keep telling myself that there has to be a woman out ther who will take the time to get to know a man and mabye this is her. So I'm going to side with thefinalword on her being conservative and with ditzchick on not going NC. I'm going to stay positive, I mean who goes on 3 dates with someone they don't like? Not me. We'll see what happens. 1
Cypress25 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Ok I did some hard thinking and told myself to learn from my experiences ( it ever fails thread). Every woman is different and I need to treat them as such. She may very well be a traditional woman who wants the man to show all of the interst in the early stages. I keep telling myself that there has to be a woman out ther who will take the time to get to know a man and mabye this is her. So I'm going to side with thefinalword on her being conservative and with ditzchick on not going NC. I'm going to stay positive, I mean who goes on 3 dates with someone they don't like? Not me. We'll see what happens. I think this is absolutely right. She probably thinks her subtle signals are enough to show that she's interested in you. Many women are cautious in the early stages of dating; they're not gonna throw themselves all over a guy they like. Sounds like she's definitely giving you the green light though, and I'm sure she'll start to initiate more as time goes on. I've seen it happen all the time: the woman thinks she's blatantly flirting, and the man thinks she's being too subtle.
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