g450 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 15 isnt high for a 40 year old. Not at all Yeah but it was in the span of 4 or so years that she got most of them. And I agree, Im not really worried about it. It's the how she did them and who she did that botheres me. Im a bit old fashioned. I dont believe in threesomes, screwing married people and making sex as casual as eating or breathing. I guess I was born in the wrong century. If I had known all this stuff when I first met her I never would have even spoken too her but Im glad I did anyway. Ironically she is one of the sweetest women I have ever met. She just has this ability to completely separate sex from everything else. I OTOH take sex very personally. Always have. I value monogomy and faithfulness.
kaylan Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Yeah but it was in the span of 4 or so years that she got most of them. And I agree, Im not really worried about it. It's the how she did them and who she did that botheres me. Im a bit old fashioned. I dont believe in threesomes, screwing married people and making sex as casual as eating or breathing. I guess I was born in the wrong century. If I had known all this stuff when I first met her I never would have even spoken too her but Im glad I did anyway. Ironically she is one of the sweetest women I have ever met. She just has this ability to completely separate sex from everything else. I OTOH take sex very personally. Always have. I value monogomy and faithfulness. If it was like 3 partners a year its still not super horrible. Thats one person every 4 months. 3 somes dont bother me too much, but enabling cheating in a marriage definitely does. Kind of one of my deal breakers. I value monogamy and faithfulness as well, and I have a hard time accepting a person who doesnt respect someone elses relationship.
g450 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 If it was like 3 partners a year its still not super horrible. Thats one person every 4 months. 3 somes dont bother me too much, but enabling cheating in a marriage definitely does. Kind of one of my deal breakers. I value monogamy and faithfulness as well, and I have a hard time accepting a person who doesnt respect someone elses relationship. Yeah same here. You would think that somebody that got hurt by cheating wouldnt do the same thing to another woman. That has always been a sore subject with us. She justified it by saying they were separated or in an unhappy marriage etc. Some women will believe anything a guy tells them who is trying to get into their pants sadly. None of the guys she screwed ever left their wives so what does that tell you. On the bright side she is very sexual. Complete opposit of my XW happily. I just hope I am enough for her and she doesnt seek any outside our future marriage. She has sworn to me that this would not happen. But a hard look at this forum will tell you it happens all the time. Life is about taking chances I guess. It's one Im willing to take.
silvermercy Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Yeah same here. You would think that somebody that got hurt by cheating wouldnt do the same thing to another woman. That has always been a sore subject with us. She justified it by saying they were separated or in an unhappy marriage etc. Some women will believe anything a guy tells them who is trying to get into their pants sadly. None of the guys she screwed ever left their wives so what does that tell you. On the bright side she is very sexual. Complete opposit of my XW happily. I just hope I am enough for her and she doesnt seek any outside our future marriage. She has sworn to me that this would not happen. But a hard look at this forum will tell you it happens all the time. Life is about taking chances I guess. It's one Im willing to take. That is why sometimes I get so angry and sad with my fellow womenfolk. I don't know why so many are so susceptible to words of promise and hope. It reminds me of all those anti-wrinkle ads and beauty treatments that never work. Women still buy them even if deep down they know they're not going to work. 1
g450 Posted February 26, 2012 Posted February 26, 2012 That is why sometimes I get so angry and sad with my fellow womenfolk. I don't know why so many are so susceptible to words of promise and hope. It reminds me of all those anti-wrinkle ads and beauty treatments that never work. Women still buy them even if deep down they know they're not going to work. I honestly think a lot of women know that they are being fed bs. But it allows justification for their own bad decisions and behavior i.e. "but he said he was separated so it's not my fault" etc. They rationalize away the fact that they are hurting another human being by sleeping with a married man. I think women in general can be just as bad as some men in that regard. Especially when they are drunk and horny.
joystickd Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 What if the woman did a few gangbangs in her past? I remember in college a girl did about 20 guys in one night and it was videotaped. People that saw the tape mentioned she did double penetration. So wonder if she ever tells the guy she is with about that. Imagine if she didn't and someone he knows has the tape and shows him. Imagine how he would feel about that. I can understand the past being the past but people do want to know about it and it makes no sense to avoid it. The other person shoulde be told about the past so they can accurately decide whether you are the person for them or not.
subhub40 Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 I thought I read a "study" (probably a survey) that basically said people often lie about the number of partners they've had -- men generally increase the number, and women generally reduce. Men want to seem experienced and women chaste because that's what our culture promotes. Don't people just say what's expected? If your partner says "5", you say "6", which is basically "greater than 5" and probably less than a thousand. A lot of people I've known over the years like to "forget" one nights stands and other questionable decisions. I'm curious, those of you who say a large # of sexual partners would be a dealbreaker in a partner, how many is too many? If not an exact number, some sort of formula? (ex: Single for X years means they can have Y partners)? And would you refuse to date someone who WOULDN'T reveal their number to you? If you really liked someone and then they revealed too high of a #, would you stop seeing them?
binny Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 As I said in another thread 5-6 max by the age of 29-30. Nope, I wouldn't date a former stud. I'm really looking for the male version of me so I expect anything from 0-5 seems ok to me. Way more than that... no thanks. I completely agree. A number higher than 5 is a deal breaker for me also and the 5 had better been in serious LTRs. I would like to eventually marry someone who has the same values as I do and whom I'm compatible with. I don't think I would ever be compatible with anyone who has had a high number of sexual partners, especially if a large proportion came from ONS or FWB.
FeelingLonely98 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 For me it does not matter. I am less concerned with the past and more concerned with the present. If I might be interested longer term then the future is what is important. (compatibility, trust, attraction, communication, ...) My last serious GF had well over 100, it didn't matter to me though. (It didn't work out in ther long run, she didn't want commitment and had "fallen out of love".)
Black Jack Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 The reason the # of partners matters to some people is because promiscuity is generally indicative of someones beliefs and attitude regarding sex. And not for nothing, in my experience, the sluttier folks have seemed to be a bit less faithful than the more conservative folks. At the end of the day, one also have to realize theres less value in something thats been used a lot. Thats how people are about anything they value. Plus when STDs and pregnancy concerns come into the equation, Id really want to be with someone who has the same attitude towards sex that I do. This about summed it up for me.
Jane2011 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) I don't ask guys their # of past partners. They never ask me, either. We do inevitably have conversations about past experiences, and perhaps both the guy and I are getting an idea of how many boyfriends/girlfriends the other has had. We can sort of speculate at that point. On the other hand, one doesn't know if the person has had sex with every single past involvement, so you never really know for sure. I think with my long-term boyfriend (five years together) we did know each other's actual #. But more often, with shorter-lived boyfriends, it's left obscure. I would tell my # if they asked, though. I think my # has always been reasonable relative to my age. It's pretty indicative of me as a person, too. I'm neither ultra-conservative about sex nor ultra-liberal. As far as what I'd want in a partner, I think I'd always feel most comfortable with one who has about the same amount of experience as I have. He can have less, mind you, but dating a virgin would probably be way incongruent. My current # is 11. I would feel comfortable with a guy who has anywhere between 3 and 20, assuming he's in his 30s. Somehow I don't even think I'd ever be confronted with a guy who had 30, 40, 50 sex partners in his past. I tend to get together with men who are roughly "like me." Meaning, they're about as social and un-social as I am. A guy who is "like me" would probably have had as much sex as I've had (or less) because he was busy with work, school, family or other things, or just doesn't meet enough women to hit 30 or 50 even if he could. Edited March 18, 2012 by Jane2011
mtz Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 when I am judging a girl i always look at how old they are and go from there. i subtract 18 from their age and take out the long term relationships. For example its a 25 year old girl who had one long term relationship that lasted 3 years. so 25-18= 7 , 7-3= 4 , I will add 1 for the lt relationship so the total is 5. On the other hand I am somebody who values a persons opinion towards themselves. I am a firm believer that if a girl is selective than she is likely to have less partners. If she had 10 one night stands by the age 25 she is likely to not respect herself that much. Its just like cars. If I am driving a Ferrari (or another car worth of value) i am a lot less likely to lend it to people for a ride. If I am driving a 1995 dodge neon, which is probably worth around $300, i will be more willing to let people borrow it for a spin.
manup Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 That's like saying because someone is black they are more likely to rob/kill/steal ... lol How many partners someone else had isn't really anybody's business. The only end result from it is people becoming judgmental. No it's not, there is statistical proof that infidelity and divorce rates hop up drastically as one increases their number of sexual partners. This is especially important to men, because of the wacky divorce laws in many Western countries. The same cannot be said of black crime as it is false that they commit more crime on average.
RiverRunning Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I'd prefer to never have the numbers talk. For me personally, if the guy has fewer than 5 or so, I'm happy (if he were to reveal it to me). Having 10 or 20+ would just indicate to me that he hops in bed with just about anyone, or at least within the first few dates. That's not a turn-on. In fact, it makes me wonder if he's carrying a little friend around that he doesn't know about. Stranger things have happened, especially after having so many sexual partners. I usually don't have sex with someone until roughly around the year mark. I'd prefer a partner who did the same.
samsungxoxo Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 (edited) It's the how she did them and who she did that botheres me. Im a bit old fashioned. I dont believe in threesomes, screwing married people and making sex as casual as eating or breathing. I guess I was born in the wrong century.As long as you yourself weren't into that then it's fair. Yes you can be old fashioned about it and find a woman who thinks like that too. As for the men that are/were into ONS, banging random hookers and threesomes but yet still demand a woman with a moral compass screw them. I don't want to date them. Why should I be the right woman for them if none of them are the right man for me? Now if he had played the fields before but is open-minded and isn't demanding then it's fair. Still, I want a man that hasn't been around the block. I guess I want what I am in male version. Edited May 10, 2012 by samsungxoxo 1
Phennyphen Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I worry about this at times, I don't think I've slept with a ridiculous number of men..but compared to this time last year when it was 1, its gone up..a bit.. It wouldnt bother me though if someone I was seeing had slept with more people than me, what happens before he's with me is his business, just as what I've done before him is mine. I prefer not to know. Learnt that the hard way, was seeing a guy for a while and after the first time we slept together he asked me my numbers, so I told him and asked him his and his reply was 'Oh its either 12 or 20.. I lost count' after that, I REALLY dont want to know!
d'Arthez Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I'm curious, those of you who say a large # of sexual partners would be a dealbreaker in a partner, how many is too many? If not an exact number, some sort of formula? (ex: Single for X years means they can have Y partners)? And would you refuse to date someone who WOULDN'T reveal their number to you? If you really liked someone and then they revealed too high of a #, would you stop seeing them? I would not bring the number question up. If I get asked the question, they will get an exact answer. Some women will have an issue with that, others might appreciate the number a bit more. I would not even ask the question in return. Numbers do not give answers. It is how a person arrives at the number that really matters. As life can take so many turns, it is pointless to set up a formula for morality (if you see it as such). I'd be more interested in a person's values and beliefs. The past shapes the present, and though anything I have done is in the past, it still shapes my present and my perceptions. If there is a gross mismatch there, I'd break things off.
phineas Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I don't care about the number. I just want to be warned about past partners I know personally so i'm not blind-sided by a jealous ex bringing up he banged her out of the blue in front of a crowd. 1
g450 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I don't care about the number. I just want to be warned about past partners I know personally so i'm not blind-sided by a jealous ex bringing up he banged her out of the blue in front of a crowd. Exactly what I posted earlier! I have been in this situation where a guy I didnt know came up to us at the club and asked her "where have you been? You dont come around anymore". He totally ignored the fact that I was sitting right next to her and have been to the club with her every weekend for over a year. What an AH. So I knew something was up. I asked her if he was one of her old ****buddies and she got all pissy with me and said she did not want to talk about it. So essentially I got my answer. What hurt the most is that she did absolutely nothing to introduce me as her boyfriend. I felt betrayed that night. Yet she made me the bad guy because in her words "you made me feel like a slut" Are you for ehfing real?!? She was in fact a slut. That's not my damn fault. I do not like being blindsided like this. This is why I want to know. I do not want one of her FBs at our wedding reception yukking it up about when he and his buddy two holed her in the parking lot etc. That's reason enough to get the scoop from your GF if for no other reason. I dont need details but I would like to know who, when, where and for how long. Go ahead and feel free to label me insecure. I know it's coming.
phineas Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Exactly what I posted earlier! I have been in this situation where a guy I didnt know came up to us at the club and asked her "where have you been? You dont come around anymore". He totally ignored the fact that I was sitting right next to her and have been to the club with her every weekend for over a year. What an AH. So I knew something was up. I asked her if he was one of her old ****buddies and she got all pissy with me and said she did not want to talk about it. So essentially I got my answer. What hurt the most is that she did absolutely nothing to introduce me as her boyfriend. I felt betrayed that night. Yet she made me the bad guy because in her words "you made me feel like a slut" Are you for ehfing real?!? She was in fact a slut. That's not my damn fault. I do not like being blindsided like this. This is why I want to know. I do not want one of her FBs at our wedding reception yukking it up about when he and his buddy two holed her in the parking lot etc. That's reason enough to get the scoop from your GF if for no other reason. I dont need details but I would like to know who, when, where and for how long. Go ahead and feel free to label me insecure. I know it's coming. I don't think it's insecure. It's not like i'm going to ask if he was bigger or better in bed than me. THAT would be insecure.
SmileFace Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 (edited) Exactly what I posted earlier! I have been in this situation where a guy I didnt know came up to us at the club and asked her "where have you been? You dont come around anymore". He totally ignored the fact that I was sitting right next to her and have been to the club with her every weekend for over a year. What an AH. So I knew something was up. I asked her if he was one of her old ****buddies and she got all pissy with me and said she did not want to talk about it. So essentially I got my answer. What hurt the most is that she did absolutely nothing to introduce me as her boyfriend. I felt betrayed that night. Yet she made me the bad guy because in her words "you made me feel like a slut" Are you for ehfing real?!? She was in fact a slut. That's not my damn fault. I do not like being blindsided like this. This is why I want to know. I do not want one of her FBs at our wedding reception yukking it up about when he and his buddy two holed her in the parking lot etc. That's reason enough to get the scoop from your GF if for no other reason. I dont need details but I would like to know who, when, where and for how long. Go ahead and feel free to label me insecure. I know it's coming. Deciding to date somebody on the fact that they participate in fb situations or not,makes sense. Deciding to not date someone since they wont disclose the information on the person and time frame in which they banged someone makes no sense to me. Then again asking the circumstance of the situation is different -- so I guess I get what you are saying Edited May 11, 2012 by SmileFace
FrustratedStandards Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I never ask. It's a turn off if a guy has too many partners because it means he sees vagina and he can't help himself. That's like a drooling dog with a treat. He needs to be disciplined, HAVE STANDARDS for crying out loud, and only sleep with the most beautiful women. BUT, the reality is that most guys have a high number, so I never ask. I have never known and never plan to. As long as they're clean and safe, i'm not too worried.
joystickd Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I never ask. It's a turn off if a guy has too many partners because it means he sees vagina and he can't help himself. That's like a drooling dog with a treat. He needs to be disciplined, HAVE STANDARDS for crying out loud, and only sleep with the most beautiful women. BUT, the reality is that most guys have a high number, so I never ask. I have never known and never plan to. As long as they're clean and safe, i'm not too worried. no true about men having a high number.
FrustratedStandards Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 no true about men having a high number. The ones I've dated...very true...but then again it depends on their age. The late 30's one had maybe 50-60, my ex had literally hundreds (found out after BLEH, I felt like a prostitute) and the last one I dated (perfect man but lost attraction to him) had about 20 (at the time). To me that's still alot (he was 26). Then again, this is coming from a woman who can still count her sexual partners on one hand lol so it's not exactly that THEY have too many partners, but most likely because I have so little.
joystickd Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 The ones I've dated...very true...but then again it depends on their age. The late 30's one had maybe 50-60, my ex had literally hundreds (found out after BLEH, I felt like a prostitute) and the last one I dated (perfect man but lost attraction to him) had about 20 (at the time). To me that's still alot (he was 26). Then again, this is coming from a woman who can still count her sexual partners on one hand lol so it's not exactly that THEY have too many partners, but most likely because I have so little. 50-60 is rare in a man. It seemed you dealt with womanizers and that is a different ball game than most men
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