silvermercy Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 You could have asked him what he likes. That would give you a clue to any weird fetish or kinky stuff he's into. You don't need to know his number to find out if he's a swinger or if he likes threesomes. Someone with a low number could still be kinky. And someone with a high number could still be tame. The number doesn't really tell you anything. So far the number has served me well. The opposite happens of course but I found this not to be the case in my experience. Ideally, I want to know that AND the number. The combo will help me make a better decision about both weird fetishes AND commitment levels. (What is he ashamed of or hiding if he's not sharing anyway?)
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 If you're afraid to communicate with each other about this it means neither of you are really ready to accept each other for who they are. Or is it the opposite? It's not a matter of being afraid; it's a matter of not giving a crap. We accept each other for who we are completely regardless of sexual history. If it really mattered to him, I am positive he would have asked me. My boyfriend could have had 5 partners before me or 50. Couldn't care less. 1
tigressA Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I'm open about my number; I have no shame. If a guy asks, I'll tell him. If he has a problem with it, he can go suck an egg. (24 y.o., # is 1/2 that--and the majority were casual, ooooh, shocking! *rolls eyes*) I have no real issue with a guy's #, regardless of how high it may be. Sure I'll raise my eyebrows if it's anywhere over 20--but I won't be dumping him over it. As far as what I would do if he wouldn't tell me, well, I wouldn't be concerned over that either. I would think he's sketchy if he hesitated about sharing his sexual history insofar as STDs/reproduction.
Cypress25 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 What is he ashamed of or hiding if he's not sharing anyway? Maybe he's not hiding anything, maybe he just doesn't think it's relevant. I would never ask a guy how many sexual partners he's had because I don't care and his previous relationships are none of my business. If he volunteered that information, I would think it was kinda weird. Like "...why are you telling me this?" I think it says more about you that you would ask such a question. A guy's number doesn't tell you anything about his level of commitment, especially since he could easily lie about it. I don't buy that excuse. You ask because you're insecure. Otherwise, you wouldn't even be curious about his number. The fact that you're so preoccupied with the sex he had before he met you is a clear indication of jealousy and insecurity. If a guy asked me what my number was, I would tell him, but I would think it was incredibly rude (it's like asking someone how much money they make) and I would peg him as jealous and insecure.
LZ2000 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I'm curious, those of you who say a large # of sexual partners would be a dealbreaker in a partner, how many is too many? If not an exact number, some sort of formula? (ex: Single for X years means they can have Y partners)? And would you refuse to date someone who WOULDN'T reveal their number to you? If you really liked someone and then they revealed too high of a #, would you stop seeing them? The first few questions that would pop up in my mind, if I were to hear a high number of past sexual partners from my current partner are these: 1) You love sex alot. Right now, are you able or ready to stay monogamous, exclusively commiting yourself sexually to our relationship ? 2) It is understandable that we, as sexual creatures have this incredibly natural urge to find satisfaction wherever we may go. But are you doing this because you have some underlying emotional issues that are causing you to act like this ? In my opinion, a girl can have as many as 1000 sexual partners from her past, but if in the present moment she is genuinely 100% in love with me, perfectly sound emotionally and psychologically, and made it 100% clear that she wants to stay committed to an exclusive romantic relationship (and keep her word), I think her past sexual history is insignificant.
silvermercy Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) Maybe he's not hiding anything, maybe he just doesn't think it's relevant. I would never ask a guy how many sexual partners he's had because I don't care and his previous relationships are none of my business. If he volunteered that information, I would think it was kinda weird. Like "...why are you telling me this?" I think it says more about you that you would ask such a question. A guy's number doesn't tell you anything about his level of commitment, especially since he could easily lie about it. I don't buy that excuse. You ask because you're insecure. Otherwise, you wouldn't even be curious about his number. The fact that you're so preoccupied with the sex he had before he met you is a clear indication of jealousy and insecurity. If a guy asked me what my number was, I would tell him, but I would think it was incredibly rude (it's like asking someone how much money they make) and I would peg him as jealous and insecure. It says more about me? Really now? LOL Insecurity and jealousy? LOL Well, if making a personal risk assessment is now called insecurity and jealousy, then yes, I'm insecure and jealous. I have also managed not to break up with boyfriends every now and then, just like women who don't ask about numbers or sexual history. I actually wonder if there is a direct correlation with the number of breaks up and not asking for numbers or sexual history/behavior. I wouldn't be surprised at all if there was. I think a lot of incompatible relationships would not have happened in the first place, had the partners some idea about each other's sexual past. Those who succeed in relationships without revealing the past is because their pasts are compatible anyway. So yes, it DOES tell me about his level commitment. I'm a good people reader anyway and I can tell a fib from miles away. So far, for me and many of my friends, this system has worked very well. Yes, he could lie, but he can't lie forever. And I usually wait before sex with him anyway. I would also tell him about any money I make. Depending on how he asked, I see no rudeness there. I would find it perfectly acceptable that he wants to have an idea about me and my life and how we can fit together from a financial point of view. Edited February 23, 2012 by silvermercy
Emilia Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 It says more about me? Really now? LOL Insecurity and jealousy? LOL Well, if making a personal risk assessment is now called insecurity and jealousy, then yes, I'm insecure and jealous. [...] So yes, it DOES tell me about his level commitment. I'm a good people reader anyway and I can tell a fib from miles away. So far, for me and many of my friends, this system has worked very well. Yes, he could lie, but he can't lie forever. And I usually wait before sex with him anyway. Well with all fairness, you said earlier in this thread you found dating in the UK difficult because you think guys' numbers are too high here - yet 10s of millions of women manage it in this country.
Emilia Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 If you're afraid to communicate with each other about this it means neither of you are really ready to accept each other for who they are. I haven't asked a guy his number nor have given him mine for a very long time. I can't remember the last man that asked me or even mentioned it. It just isn't the sort of conversation that comes up with an adult, it seems a little childish and narrow minded to me.
silvermercy Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) Well with all fairness, you said earlier in this thread you found dating in the UK difficult because you think guys' numbers are too high here - yet 10s of millions of women manage it in this country. That's because they're born in the UK, I'm not, and I see only breaks up around me. Look up "single moms and UK benefits system" to understand the phenomenon. This has not happened anywhere else in the world to such an extent. UK is also top of the list in teen pregnancies. Top of the list in children born outside of wedlock, top of the lists in binge drinking, unsafe sex and so on... Edited February 23, 2012 by silvermercy
xxoo Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I haven't asked a guy his number nor have given him mine for a very long time. I can't remember the last man that asked me or even mentioned it. It just isn't the sort of conversation that comes up with an adult, it seems a little childish and narrow minded to me. In a new relationship, maybe. But in a serious relationship---the kind where you are deeply in love and want to know everything about this person and how they came to be who they are--why is this conversation a third rail? It seems like an important aspect of life history to keep from sharing, if not in great detail, at least in general.
kaylan Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I dont see whats so hard to understand about this whole thing for some people here. Personal history of any kind plays into the person you see before you today. It makes them who they are. Your past influences your present which influences your future. In my experience, the people who have slept around a lot, more often than not, had personalities that made them not good boyfriend or girlfriend material. They tended to be more apt to risky sexual behavior, lying, cheating, being commitment-phobes, or just not investing themselves much into the relationship. They also seemed to get GIGS more than the people Ive known with more modest sexual histories. The people Ive known who had more modest sexual histories seemed a great deal more relationship oriented. And I think this is a lot of what folks see when looking out at the world, hence why they ask about sexual history. Of course there are exceptions to this, but like I said, my experiences have shown me that people with less risky sexual behavior were far more compatible for a relationship. Im not saint myself, and Ive had little bits of fun here and there...but within reason.
Els Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 In a new relationship, maybe. But in a serious relationship---the kind where you are deeply in love and want to know everything about this person and how they came to be who they are--why is this conversation a third rail? It seems like an important aspect of life history to keep from sharing, if not in great detail, at least in general. I second this. I also second silvermercy's limit of 5 or so (I'm 25 and have had 2.. or 3... or 0. Meh. Sex is really more complicated than insert tab A in slot B, folks! But maximum 3). Not because I feel I'm holier-than-thou or whatever. People with 30 can be good people. They're just not compatible with me. I'm a person who prizes getting to know someone, establishing a LTR with them and THEN having sex (again, see addendum). I would not be compatible with guys with the casual dating or ONS mindset, and those would manifest in so many other ways than sex.
LZ2000 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Personal history of any kind plays into the person you see before you today. It makes them who they are. Your past influences your present which influences your future. I do mostly agree with this statement, although I am also aware there may be exceptions to it, as little they may be.
joystickd Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 So what about if a woman performed few gangbangs. Say like she had 15 guys in one night. Would that bother you? In college I have known women that have done that. I ask because I don't want some skeleton from the past to come up and I'm feeling surprised. I mean knowing the past helps to create a more accurate image of that person. I have seen a lot of problems occur because a person found out about the person on their life and the have this feeling of deception.
TheBigQuestion Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I dont see whats so hard to understand about this whole thing for some people here. Personal history of any kind plays into the person you see before you today. It makes them who they are. Your past influences your present which influences your future. In my experience, the people who have slept around a lot, more often than not, had personalities that made them not good boyfriend or girlfriend material. They tended to be more apt to risky sexual behavior, lying, cheating, being commitment-phobes, or just not investing themselves much into the relationship. They also seemed to get GIGS more than the people Ive known with more modest sexual histories. The people Ive known who had more modest sexual histories seemed a great deal more relationship oriented. And I think this is a lot of what folks see when looking out at the world, hence why they ask about sexual history. Of course there are exceptions to this, but like I said, my experiences have shown me that people with less risky sexual behavior were far more compatible for a relationship. Im not saint myself, and Ive had little bits of fun here and there...but within reason. I agree with this. But as usual, many people on this board will try to emphasize the exceptions rather than the norms. It isn't the politically correct thing to say that promiscuous people are less likely to be faithful and committed partners, but it doesn't make it any less true.
azsinglegal Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 In a new relationship, maybe. But in a serious relationship---the kind where you are deeply in love and want to know everything about this person and how they came to be who they are--why is this conversation a third rail? It seems like an important aspect of life history to keep from sharing, if not in great detail, at least in general. I would NEVER ask a man how many people he's slept with because I honestly don't want to know. Besides, all I want to know is that I'm the only one he's sleeping with NOW. Why ask a question when you really don't want to hear the answer to? PLUS...I don't want to answer that question. I'm 38 yrs old and have been single almost my entire life...of course I've had more then 2 partners. How many more, is my business. I've had the "have you ever had a 3some", "how old were you when you lost your virginity", etc. conversations...but numbers? Nah...no point.
Author veggirl Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Are there STATS somewhere that people who've had X number of partners in the past (whatever "too many" is) are more likely to cheat?! People keep throwing around "it shows how you'll behave in the future" etc...but you're just SAYING this, none of you have any actual proof, or do you and I've missed it somewhere?
silvermercy Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Are there STATS somewhere that people who've had X number of partners in the past (whatever "too many" is) are more likely to cheat?! People keep throwing around "it shows how you'll behave in the future" etc...but you're just SAYING this, none of you have any actual proof, or do you and I've missed it somewhere? I have proof in my own experiences. Same with all of my friends (and friends of friends); they have experienced the same thing when it comes to partners with high numbers: they either cheat or get bored in a relationship relatively quickly, or they don't put much effort etc etc. It's a common theme. They usually spend a lot of time being single not because they can't find Mr or Mrs Right (how could they anyway, lol) but because their relationships break up relatively quickly for various reasons. The common denominator is always them, not their less promiscuous ex partners - who have since moved on and are happily married. As someone already said it's not the political correct thing to say, but that's what it is... (Not for ALL people of course but it is still a quite huge percentage).
silvermercy Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I would NEVER ask a man how many people he's slept with because I honestly don't want to know. Besides, all I want to know is that I'm the only one he's sleeping with NOW. That's what I want, too. But I also want to increase my chances of being the one he's sleeping both NOW and FOREVER AFTER or at least AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. I'm sure there are people who don't care about long "expiration dates" but there are also many people who do.
kaylan Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) This woman explains it well. Its all about impulse control. A chick (or dude) who shows she doesnt have much self control sexually, gives off a bad vibe. What is the Link Between Promiscuity and Cheating? | Hooking Up Smart EDIT: Also, people gotta get over this. If two people have conflicting attitudes towards sex, things arent gonna work out. Im a bit liberal when it comes to sex, but not overly so. If a girl is far too liberal in her view of casual sex, and in turn, has hooked up with a great deal of men...then her and I have very different views regarding sex. Especially when it comes to STDs and potential pregnancy. A big part of the reason that Im not a slut is because Im deathly afraid of ruining my sex life for the rest of my life because I caught an STD. Plus I dont want to screw up, and get some chick pregnant that I hardly know, and then be stuck raising a kid with someone that I will never end up with. Sure Ive had lapses in judgement in my past, but they are few and far between. The other reason Im not a man-whore is because I tend to only have sex with girls I like a good bit. This doesnt mean Ive never had my casual hookups, but those were usually with girls I liked a good deal. But trust me when I say this: If I wasnt so paranoid about disease and pregnancy, or if STDs didnt exist and there existed a male birth control pill...you bet your ass Id have slept around a good bit more lol Edited February 23, 2012 by kaylan 2
DepressedinDenver Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Kaylan is correct. These numbers can show how compatible 2 people are sexually. If their views and ways are not compatible then they will be SOL. The numbers will tell a pattern. Can people change? Sure. But honestly how quick and often do they change? It tends to take a long while and some people never do. So this numbers view is important imo. Because if two people are incompatible sexually they will be incompatible for a relationship. I dont see how hard it is to understand and I think the people with the higher numbers get defensive and start to insult people opinions. Mostly because I think people on the more promiscuous side think they can date whoever they want like they can **** whoever they want and this just wont work in a world with much different views.
TheBigQuestion Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Are there STATS somewhere that people who've had X number of partners in the past (whatever "too many" is) are more likely to cheat?! People keep throwing around "it shows how you'll behave in the future" etc...but you're just SAYING this, none of you have any actual proof, or do you and I've missed it somewhere? You don't need stats. It's a conclusion that most people reach by using simple common sense, or at the very least it bears out in their own experiences. 3
g450 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I dont understand the importance of the whole number thing. To me what is more important is who and what that person did as it may reflect as a red flag for possible future behavior. In my situation my girl does have a high count. She and I both have a count of roughly 15. She is 40, Im 50 in age so I dont have a problem with that. The problem is that her count was all in a very short span, but for a reason. She was previously married and was a faithful wife until her XH started cheating on her. She basically admited to the fact that she was a total slut before she married and then was a faithful wife for about 10 years until her husband started cheating on her. She then became even more of a slut for about five years while this was going on, right up until she started dating me about two years ago. I get the feeling she was going through some kind of mid life crisis of sorts. The high count doesnt bother me. I just hope she got it out of her system. What does bother me however is some of the things she did and with whom she did them with. I did not ask for this info, it was all volutary on her part because I made her understand that honesty had to be the core of our relationship so she let go and told me things that made my stomach turn. She basically said she was "not a good girl" and even joked about it. What she told me still bothers me and probably always will but I can deal with them as long as she is faithful and attentive to me as I am to her. But I had to put some boundries down for her that I needed with regard to her being friends with her ex ****buddies. She has always lived in a small town and it seems no matter where we go, her history tends to pop up every now and then. And that's only the part that she actually told me about. Im sure theres more to it. I even had to threaten one of her ex ****buddies to stop contacting her or I would talk to his wife about all this crap. He got the messege and left her alone. And I told her that if she wants to be friends with her ex FBs then I am off the table for her. She GOT THAT also. Those are my boundries. Another boundry is that I did not want anybody she had sex with at our wedding etc. And the last thing I want is for some guys she had threesomes with to hang out with us at the club yukking it up about what they did with her. The thought of that just makes me sick. I realize I can't judge her but in some ways I can because what she did goes against my core values as a human being and were simply wrong. But I fell in love with her before I knew all this stuff so I decided to move past it all as I believe she has changed and that we could be happy together. Anyway sorry for the rant and the highjack. Just had to get that off my chest.
Sanman Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 If at any point in time your number of sexual partners exceeds your age, you probably have had too many partners for me.
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