HeartOnSleeve Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Kallen- I think you've learned a valuable lesson with this Dbag...that you never want to be disrespected again! I wonder if the reason you stuck it out for so long was because you liked the idea of being "wanted" even if he treated you like complete Sh*t. There was some kind of connection, but feeling wanted is strong. Woman want this feeling and we tend to push aside the crap. I'm not sure if you have ever been to a therapist, but I would suggest talking to someone who can be a 3rd party (like we are on here) that can help guide you into something healthy and loving. I think it's natural to miss having "someone" anyone really when you might be feeling lonely. Drama or no drama, he distracted you from maybe some other feelings. Just a thought. Good luck and please don't go back to this guy....it's not him you miss it's having somebody and you will find some body else that will treat you better!
Author Kallen Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 Kallen- I think you've learned a valuable lesson with this Dbag...that you never want to be disrespected again! I wonder if the reason you stuck it out for so long was because you liked the idea of being "wanted" even if he treated you like complete Sh*t. There was some kind of connection, but feeling wanted is strong. Woman want this feeling and we tend to push aside the crap. I'm not sure if you have ever been to a therapist, but I would suggest talking to someone who can be a 3rd party (like we are on here) that can help guide you into something healthy and loving. I think it's natural to miss having "someone" anyone really when you might be feeling lonely. Drama or no drama, he distracted you from maybe some other feelings. Just a thought. Good luck and please don't go back to this guy....it's not him you miss it's having somebody and you will find some body else that will treat you better! Thank you. I feel you are right. When I was with him, I didn't think about Mark (my hubby) as much, if not all. I had something else to focus on. I usually have dreams of Mark of him being sick and dying, those dreams stopped when I started hanging around with the Poophead.
HeartOnSleeve Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 It's so much easier to focus on ANYTHING new, then to deal with the real emotions you are probably going through in your case. To go from being in a loving, married relationship to nothing must be so painful for you, I can not even imagine what that feels like. I'm sorry for you loss, but you need to remember the love you felt from your hubby and search for that feeling when you meet someone new. I think you know how you should and want to be treated. Be strong...find a great therapist and start getting comfortable with yourself. Wishing you only the best. 1
Million.to.1 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Kallen, Really??? This does say more about you than him. The fact that you are defending him now and questioning if you over-reacted speaks volumes for where you are at and how you feel about yourself. If he contacts you again, just politely explain that you two have different values and you are looking for a a different kind of relationship. You have already let him set the standards of that relationship and there is no going back. He doesn't think very highly of you because you clearly don't either. People will treat you how you allow them to in this life. They will talk to you how you let them. Him blaming you for being to uptight about his "jokes" is just more of the same manipulation. Rather than get offended, which will only fuel it further, just walk away. You don't need that ****, and hanging around for more is just showing them that you have nothing better to do! It's a self fulfilling prophesy. You know deep down that you deserve to be romanced and treated with respect. So demand it, always, or you won't get it. 1
Imajerk17 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) Like I would take anything you say seriously with a user name like Imajerk17 .....he treated me very nicely at first, it was the last few times we had hung out that he really started being an ahole. He treated you well?? Let's review the facts, as you posted them. No revisionist history, please. (1) Your first "dates" were this: You drove 90 minutes to his place and put out for him. He didn't even take you out. He didn't even drive to your place! He did "thank you for the pussy" though. (2) He showed his appreciation by calling you a "dried-out donut". WTF. TROLL.... Edited February 22, 2012 by Imajerk17 2
HeartOnSleeve Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 He treated you well?? Let's review the facts, as you posted them. No revisionist history, please. (1) Your first "dates" were this: You drove 90 minutes to his place and put out for him. He didn't even take you out. He didn't even drive to your place! Are you that easy?? (2) He showed his appreciation by calling you a "dried-out donut". WTF. MESSED UP. Yeah the guys a d*ck! but hopefully we have all convinced her that he is a sad excuse for a human and she is better off alone processing her own feelings. I think it's natural to be on the defense when people start attacking the person that you are. When people start with "what's wrong with you for choosing this guy, this makes you look bad" of course you start to think....well i'm not that stupid for staying, he was kinda, maybe a little nice at some point. Lift people up...don't knock them down. We all make mistakes, have bad judgement and I think in her case she maybe needed him at the time.
Imajerk17 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) Yeah the guys a d*ck! but hopefully we have all convinced her that he is a sad excuse for a human and she is better off alone processing her own feelings. I think it's natural to be on the defense when people start attacking the person that you are. When people start with "what's wrong with you for choosing this guy, this makes you look bad" of course you start to think....well i'm not that stupid for staying, he was kinda, maybe a little nice at some point. Lift people up...don't knock them down. We all make mistakes, have bad judgement and I think in her case she maybe needed him at the time. I don't know Heart, I'm having a really really tough time imagining how someone could make these kinds of "mistakes". --When he told her to drive up to his place for the first meet, why did she say yes? She didn't even know the guy! --Why did she drive up for the second time? the third time? Surely there are better men around, no? Edited February 22, 2012 by Imajerk17
HeartOnSleeve Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I don't know Heart, I'm having a really really tough time imagining how someone could make these kinds of "mistakes". --When he told her to drive up to his place for the first meet, why did she say yes? She didn't even know the guy! --Why did she drive up for the second time? the third time? Surely there are better men around, no? I still think she is a troll. True true...there are quite a few on here. I've just known other woman and MEN that have been in a similar situation to that have gone for partners that suck. It's typically after something traumatic or heartbreaking where anyone will do. Sometimes it's easier to be with a dbag then it is to be alone. It doesn't last long and like I said you learn a good lesson from it.
SJC2008 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I say troll or you have ZERO selfe esteem/respect. If this is not a troll and you are wondering why you still liked him it's because you need validation that's why.
Imajerk17 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) True true...there are quite a few on here. I've just known other woman and MEN that have been in a similar situation to that have gone for partners that suck. It's typically after something traumatic or heartbreaking where anyone will do. Sometimes it's easier to be with a dbag then it is to be alone. It doesn't last long and like I said you learn a good lesson from it. Makes sense. I admire your tact by the way. So were so nice about expressing your take on this that you got me to feel at least just a little bad for being so harsh... Edited February 22, 2012 by Imajerk17 1
Author Kallen Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 I don't know Heart, I'm having a really really tough time imagining how someone could make these kinds of "mistakes". --When he told her to drive up to his place for the first meet, why did she say yes? She didn't even know the guy! --Why did she drive up for the second time? the third time? Surely there are better men around, no? We met half way for thefirst meet up. Went out and had drinks, talked....so just stop commenting on this thread please.
Imajerk17 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 We met half way for thefirst meet up. Went out and had drinks, talked....so just stop commenting on this thread please. Well, that's not what you said in your OP.
HeartOnSleeve Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Imajerk....why is that your username? Just curious...what's your story? Married, single, in a relationship etc. Woman lover or hater?
Author Kallen Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 Well, that's not what you said in your OP. I didn't mention how we met at all, you just assumed I drove up the first time without even knowing him. I don't think you should be commenting on the "disrespectful" behaviors of others, when you yourself are being rude.
Imajerk17 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I didn't mention how we met at all, you just assumed I drove up the first time without even knowing him. I don't think you should be commenting on the "disrespectful" behaviors of others, when you yourself are being rude. Well, actually you mention this yourself, in your very OP, 6th paragraph from the top: He lives about an hour and a half away, I drove up the first time, the second time, etc. I asked why he won't come down to see me, I have my own place...."Oh, I have anxiety when I stay over at other people's houses" Ok.
Author Kallen Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 Well, actually you mention this yourself, in your very OP, 6th paragraph from the top: The first time meaning after the initial "date". I am sorry, I can now see how you would draw those conclusions.
Imajerk17 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 The first time meaning after the initial "date". I am sorry, I can now see how you would draw those conclusions. I apologize as well too. I was a bit harsh of you.... Kudos to you for breaking it off! 2
mickleb Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) Imajerk17 - please back off. Kallen was offended by your remark earlier, even though I can see that you were trying to help her, so responded a bit harshly but, considering what she has been through, it's not so difficult to imagine why she felt the need to get on the defensive. Disparaging comments, at this point, just make you sound like someone who enjoys being a bit of a bully. Kallen - I read your previous thread. You have been through hell for the past few years. It's difficult to tell why your husband became abusive. It could have been due to his degeneration, or simply, his depression. I didn't get much of an impression of what life was like for you two before his diagnosis. If you were very happy together, then, I can imagine you are still very much grieving that part of your life. If things only went wrong after the diagnosis, I can understand why you put up with so much, even though someone else has no right to treat another badly. I see you had some therapy whilst your husband was ill. This was to help you deal with his diagnosis. You now need to do it again but purely for yourself. I'm not sure how helpful you found therapy the first time but I really do think you should seek out someone to take you through this awful time of your life. Like I said, it might not be the first person you see, but if you find a decent therapist (who makes you feel a bit better from the first meeting), this could be the wisest investment you'll ever make. I also think you should start posting in the abuse section of this site. There will be people here, in Dating, who just can't believe what you've put up with. I understand, I dated someone abusive when I was younger, and I've since done a lot of work with sufferers of abuse. This makes me no expert on your situation, at all, but having spent many years learning about what healthy behaviour is, I can see how hard it is for some to even imagine your mindset. I hope this helps. Edit: Just seen your apology, Ima - good on you. Edited February 22, 2012 by mickleb
HeartOnSleeve Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I think Kallen and Imajerk have reached an understanding already! 1
mickleb Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I think Kallen and Imajerk have reached an understanding already! You're right! Sorry - my brother interrupted me when I was writing! x
chelsea2011 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Now that you know that this guy is a total a**wipe (even that is too nice), if he contacts you and tries to abuse you like that again, expose him for who he really is. He is an abusive sadistic a**hole with terribly low self esteem. 1
InJest Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I don't think you should have broken it off. I mean hell, you were willing to put up with everything else, why not just give away the last shred of dignity you have??
Author Kallen Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Imajerk17 - please back off. Kallen was offended by your remark earlier, even though I can see that you were trying to help her, so responded a bit harshly but, considering what she has been through, it's not so difficult to imagine why she felt the need to get on the defensive. Disparaging comments, at this point, just make you sound like someone who enjoys being a bit of a bully. Kallen - I read your previous thread. You have been through hell for the past few years. It's difficult to tell why your husband became abusive. It could have been due to his degeneration, or simply, his depression. I didn't get much of an impression of what life was like for you two before his diagnosis. If you were very happy together, then, I can imagine you are still very much grieving that part of your life. If things only went wrong after the diagnosis, I can understand why you put up with so much, even though someone else has no right to treat another badly. I see you had some therapy whilst your husband was ill. This was to help you deal with his diagnosis. You now need to do it again but purely for yourself. I'm not sure how helpful you found therapy the first time but I really do think you should seek out someone to take you through this awful time of your life. Like I said, it might not be the first person you see, but if you find a decent therapist (who makes you feel a bit better from the first meeting), this could be the wisest investment you'll ever make. I also think you should start posting in the abuse section of this site. There will be people here, in Dating, who just can't believe what you've put up with. I understand, I dated someone abusive when I was younger, and I've since done a lot of work with sufferers of abuse. This makes me no expert on your situation, at all, but having spent many years learning about what healthy behaviour is, I can see how hard it is for some to even imagine your mindset. I hope this helps. Edit: Just seen your apology, Ima - good on you. Thank you for taking the time to reply with such a kind response. <3
mesmerized Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Is this post a troll? What's wrong with you? You should have left him right after the "thanks for the p...." comment.
mickleb Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Thank you for taking the time to reply with such a kind response. <3 You're welcome. x
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