Going the wrong direction

[Exit]

Sorry if this is long. I hardly make any threads about my own situation, usually just reply to others, but I'm giving in this morning. I may even vent some of the more specific details. I've had this irrational fear that my ex or someone who knows us will figure out who I am and who I'm talking about if I get too specific on here, but I don't really think that will happen, and even if it does, oh well.

 

 

I did my best to take a sledgehammer to the mental pedestal that I had my ex on, but lately it's like the miniature version of her that lives in my brain is scrambling to pick up the pieces and superglue them back together and climb back up to her top spot. Just the other day I found myself thinking "she was 1 in a million and I can't believe I let myself mess this up". Someone who dumped me, got involved with someone else immediately, broke my heart, decided she could come back to me, promised we wouldn't be putting the time and effort into reconciling if she wasn't sure we were meant to get married, bailing on me again a few months later, all the withdrawing and withholding of affection during the relationship, the mind games, the silent treatment, the verbal and eventually physical abuse, the ability to lie to my face while discussing very serious issues, that's "one in a million"? No, I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who could manage to treat another human that way. Nothing special and rare about that.

 

The rose tinted glasses have been coming back into place as far as the relationship as well. I find myself thinking about the couple of vacations we took and how amazing they were. To be that happy and to feel such a fullness in life, sitting on the beach with the person you love watching the sunset like what only happens in the movies. But I know these trips we took add up to mere days out of our entire two year relationship, where the rest of the time we'd be getting into disagreements, I'd be getting ignored, etc. But I find those amazing shared experiences so tempting to think about lately and it pains me to think we won't be going back to those places.

 

The thing is, she is an amazing person taken at face value, just as a person on her own, not in relation to how she is in a relationship. I can't believe I met a girl who had the same favorite sport as me, the same interest in music and general ideas about life, even the type of girl who can sit down and play a videogame with you. She went through so much in her early life and she really could have ended up going down the wrong road like some of her immediate family members did in the past, and I suppose she did have her younger years where she did act out, but she got over it. After all she's been through she leads a good life, she goes to work, she takes care of her family members. She might go to the occasional party but she never drank or anything like that. Worst thing she did was smoke cigarettes which I tried to encourage her to stop. I was so happy to have found someone like that, I just can't be with someone who is into clubbing or makes a habit out of getting wasted. She was grounded and down to earth, and in my experience, that is so hard to find in my age group.

 

But that's a portrait of her just as a single person in the world. When it comes to trying to manage a long term intimate relationship, that's where the monsters come out. She has so many defense mechanisms built up from the things that happened in her life. I don't blame her for that at all but I wish she could have stopped enforcing them on me. She had no problem being affectionate, but 99% of the time, only if I'm the one to initiate it. She even pointed out to me that sometimes we'd walk into a store together and not hold hands or act affectionate, or when we first got back together we were all over each other and then as time went on we'd sit there watching TV and not even be making contact with each other, and these things bothered her. She had a point, but it took me a long time to realize, wait a minute, when did this girl ever grab my hand when we were walking into a store. When was she ever the one to initiate kissing me or to cuddle up closer to me if we were laying there on opposite sides of the bed. I would like some affection too. I kinda got backed into this corner where I was initiating 99% of the time, and if I didn't do it, she would interpret that as meaning I wasn't in the mood to be close. So it's like, it either had to come from me, or nothing. She didn't see it as an opportunity for her to make a move and show some interest, she thought it meant it wasn't a good time. She lied to me, she hurt me, so many things happened where I could easily say to myself "I would never do that to her". There's more I could get in to, but suffice it to say, there was a lot to be desired in the relationship.

 

I have a hard time separating these two sides of her and reminding myself which one really matters. Yes she's an amazing person, but she's not amazing in a relationship. A cool person with fascinating interests does not necessarily make a great girlfriend. I'd probably be better off with someone I have less in common with, who can at least express themselves, who knows how to be emotionally vulnerable, who doesn't have so much baggage to deal with.

 

I'm sure part of what is causing my backslide is that we've recently been talking to each other, but not in person. Don't get me wrong, I'm not begging and pleading about our relationship and having my heart torn to shreds, nor is she leading me on or any game playing like that. After a month apart, I sent a long-shot email asking if I could see her some day. I couldn't believe it when a week later she actually said yes. But that never came to be. The emails have continued but she revealed to me that she feels a lot of anxiety about us seeing each other again and she initially wanted to say yes, but that it probably isn't a good idea. So we've just been having some very realistic discussions, from a distance, about how there is probably nothing left between us, I've vented some of what I needed to say about the relationship, as has she. I even got an apology out of her which seemed very sincere, and a lot of people never even get that. But the last email from her is probably contributing to how crappy I feel now. I had made a comment to her that I'm almost at the end of my lease at my apartment and will probably be going elsewhere. She responded to me that she too, may be relocating, and may not even be in this city anymore. It's heartbreaking enough to hear that someone is leaving, but especially so in my case, because I waited an entire year for her to commit to living with me. When I got this apartment we knew she may not be able to come right away, but the plan was always for her to get here eventually. A few months into the lease was the first time she left me. Then when she came back she again said what about trying to live together so it's not so hard to find time to hang out. But again and again the reasons kept coming up that she needs to be home fairly often to care for a family member, that the car she uses isn't really hers so she wouldn't be able to keep it with her to live here and go to work, and it hurt but I tried to accept the circumstances. But the thing is, nothing about her situation has changed. The family member she cares for is still living with her, and I'm sure she is still using a borrowed vehicle to get to work and whatever else she does, yet now she's able to move? Unless this family member is going with her, which I highly doubt, it's pretty much a slap in the face. I sat here in this apartment alone waiting for her, and now after being apart for a few months again, she suddenly has the means to be able to move out? How is that possible. She must have just not wanted to live with me. That really destroys me. This is always how my feelings got hurt. When it came to being with me, there would be nights where she'd need to run home and take care of something, or there were days when her family would call and say to bring the car home so someone else could use it, yet then she could manage to go visit other friends and spend long weekends away and I would think to myself "how come there aren't any emergencies at home that you need to take care of now?". It seemed to me, the things I was told were an impossibility even for the sake of our relationship, always seemed possible for other people or situations. And now it's happening on a much larger scale, she might be moving. Why wasn't it possible for me...

 

I mistakenly caught a glimpse of my inbox last night and it looked like I already had a new response from her, but I can't bring myself to look at it yet. It took me almost a week to find the nerve to read her last response too. I don't totally regret the contact, I think we definitely needed to say some things after the abrupt, dramatic end to our relationship. But it obviously doesn't feel good to hear her talking about moving on. I think I caught a glimpse of the first few words, and I think this is probably going to be the email from her that says it's time for the emails to stop and say our goodbyes.

 

I try to fight hard to feel better. I want to get a better job, sometime soon I want to know what it's like to be able to purchase a new car for the first time in my life, I want to get back in shape and get some tattoos I've thought about for a long time. I know I have a life ahead of me with or without her. But this one was just so special to me. During our relationship we got into the habit of reading our horoscopes together and when we were apart the first time, I kept reading them and talking to her about them and it seemed like we were supposed to try again. But lately my horoscopes have been telling me it's time for a new start, that I'm dragging myself down by not letting go of the past, and that it's time to remove things from my life that are no longer serving a purpose. I wanted to believe what they said back when it made it sound like we were meant to be together, so I guess I can't be selective, I have to listen to what it says now too.

 

I hope I can find the strength to get past this one. I can't get my brain to stop thinking in these fantastical terms that we were just meant to be together and had something so special. I know we all feel that way about the ones we love. I've been doing really bad with all this lately and I hope I can find a way to go on. I've dated girls before where I knew there was probably not a long term future, and it was painful even to have to let go of them. But I thought this one was the one. I see people on these forums losing 10 or 20 year relationships or getting divorces and finding the strength to go on but I just feel so destroyed. I feel such a pure, undiluted sadness about this. I didn't think I knew how to cry like this anymore.

Edited February 22, 2012 by Exit

[smudge21]

Sorry to read you're feeling this way, especially considering some of the advice you've given to many on here. I guess, like me, we can project a positive outside to everyone, and even feel great, but at any one point we can suddenly fall again. I feel a lot better after a year on here (and a long period of NC) but I know that I could easily slip up again (I do have moments of regret when I see a new picture or her or similar).

 

You know from reading these forums that there is no quick fix for what you're going through other than the tried and trusted NC. I would guess that the contact between you two has been emotional and of course that's bound to have dug up all of your old feelings, easily putting her back on that pedestal and gluing those rose-tinted glasses back on. It's hard to see negatives in someone when we only see them through a positive light.

 

As you say, she's moving away and so are you, so maybe that's it, that's what's bringing all this up so much right now. You see that as the final definite end (whereas before you were content to feel okay and heal as you knew deep down she was still there) and reality is now kicking you in the gut of the fact that she'll be gone forever. I know that, I suffered recently so much knowing that soon my ex is to be married. It ate away at me for a long time but now I feel kinda' okay about it all (that may change soon though). I can't really pin point why I suddenly felt okay, I just did. Maybe I just simply accepted once and for all that it was all over, forever. The coffin in my case was well and truly nailed shut. Maybe soon that same realisation will hit you too and you'll come out the other side feeling as I did - free. I truly did feel free, like I'd been let go by something that was holding me back. It's hard to explain.

 

I too felt she was the one, but then again, I felt that before in my life, so that makes me question this theory of there being a "the one". I think of her now, and I can see the negatives and the reasons it would never have worked out between us. I know before, I'd never notice them or just complete ignore them. Now I can truly see that although she was great fun, we did get along well and I loved her truly, it was mostly one-sided. It was never 50/50, and never would've been.

 

I also believe that one of the reasons it took me a long time to start healing (not fully healed yet) was because I simply didn't want to. I didn't want to forget her, forget how I felt around her, forget the times we shared... so much so that I clung on to anything and everything, even the pain. I would even make myself upset by thinking about her being gone, just so I would feel something that was about her. How crazy is that? Bringing about pain just so I can feel like she's not out of my life. I knew that one day I would heal and she would mean nothing to me, and that scared me. I never wanted her to mean nothing, but now I'm healing, I'm okay with it. If I never see her again now, then I guess I'm okay with it now.

 

Like I said, there are no easy fixes for your problem, and there's really no point in me telling you some things to try as I believe you already know them all. All I can do is hope you feel better soon.

[Numb79]

Here is my two cents... if it matters

I agree with the previous post.... its the reality setting in that it is finally over. It could also be the that you are sad at the fact that you will never hear, see, or be in each other's lives again in any shape or form. Well, I wouldnt say never....

Trust me, I know how you feel..... my Ex broke up with me almost 4 weeks ago, she lives in Canada and I live in the U.S. We were friends for 7 yrs and in our relationship for another 5. So a total of 12 yrs total....

Its sad to know that someone who has been in your life for so long.....will be out of your life completely. As if the two of you have never met......

Just thinking about it is starting to make me slide backwards a little.

I don't know how to offer you any words that could make you feel better....

All I can say is that I sympathize with the way you feel..............

[CopingGal]

Exit, I'm sorry I did not have time to read your whole post, but I will come back to it in the near future.

 

But I'm going to tell you this:

 

You are very, very good at helping people on this site. You give wonderful advice. I think you should give the same advice to yourself that you give to other people. Just pretend that you are helping someone on this site, but instead turn your words toward yourself.

 

You are such a nice person and an asset to this site. I am sorry you are in pain. Be good to yourself. Take care of you.

[Frank13]

Exit, I am so sorry for how you feel. I have read so much helpful advice that you have given here. At the least I hope writing about your situation has helped a little.

 

I have done the same thing with getting emails from the ex and waiting days or a week to read them thinking they would hurt. They usually did. Even when she would hit me with a bunch at one time, they were nothing more than breadcrumbs, or requests for ego strokes.

 

I do wonder one thing. She said she is "thinking of relocating". Is it possible she is bluffing to get a reaction? Is it possible she was a little hurt when you said you you may be moving elsewhere, but to act like it didn't bother her, she said the same?

 

Please feel free to post more whenever you want. I am hoping the last email she sent you will be positive.

[Frank13]

Now I can truly see that although she was great fun, we did get along well and I loved her truly, it was mostly one-sided. It was never 50/50, and never would've been.

 

 

Smudge, you have come a long way in healing and I hope you continue to do so. The advice you have given me and others has been so helpful and comforting. You are wise way beyond your years.

 

I hope I have learned my lesson regarding one-sided relationships. It's like being in a relationship with a robot. If someone can't show affection, to me it means they don't have any. At least for me.

Edited February 23, 2012 by Frank13