Glass_slippers Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 He's excited that I have decided to move to be with him. He's ecstatic that everything went smoothly and that we got a place to stay for when we're there and that it just seems like the universe was right with us in this one. He's happy that we're going to do this. I move so far. I abandon everything I know. I start a new job. I start a new life. I do it because I put my faith in him. Now that it's getting closer, he always reminds me that he's counting down the days until I'm there but when I try to set up a time to talk to him about the serious side of things (insurance, expectations upon moving, work, what we should be doing, rent etc) he just phases me out. He won't have to do a thing. My company is paying for this relocation and it's offered with accommodation so it's not like he has to go out of his way to do something like that. Furthermore, they were kind enough to let US choose a place that suits us and we picked something very nice and fancy. There are some issues that we need to sort out though but mention them and he goes POOF. I told him I'd call it off if he keeps doing that because it's ridiculous how much I am going to be putting into this and if he can't dedicate some of his time to talk about HIS future as well as mine then why should I dedicate my life to him? He apologized and told me that stuff happens. Ok, so what happens? He gets calls at 1am, 2am, 3am to go and help out people who need him like friends. Female friends. If it's not one that's been left stranded after a one night stand and is too drunk to get home, it's one that broke up with her boyfriend and needs a shoulder to cry on and if it's not that, it's one that got into some kind of sticky situation and wants to talk it out with him. He's always there for them. Without fail. Also if we have a little argument or something, he doesn't hesitate to go off to them in the middle of the night to discuss it or to get their help make him feel better about it. He's not as available to his male friends. He's just the knight in shining armour for all damsels in distress except the one that is going to compromise and give up so much for him and for this relationship to work. Somehow, he's always busy helping someone else. He says they're all just friends. I do believe that but I also believe that they're the priority, not me. I believe that he cares more about them than he does about me. I don't think there's anything shady or fishy going on there but why can't he talk through arguments with me instead of driving half an hour to go to some woman's house? Why does he keep me waiting when we want to talk because someone called him and asked him for a lift? Am I right to be worried? We've seen each other and this relationship has been going long enough that I got to spend a lot of time with him in person but this is just bothering me. If I tell him that it is, he immediately launches into apologetic mode with promises that he would go through hell for me but he way I see it, I'm the one being put through hell. It's easy for him. If it doesn't work out, he can find another place to live and we call it quits. If it doesn't work out for me, I am stuck in a country I don't know in a new job without friends, without family and so far away from home. Is it worth it?
ItalianLover25 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 my boyfriend bakes cookies for girls at work that are having rough days and drives someone home if he needs to. Be supportive of the nice things he does for others. If he isn't showing YOU the attention but is showing it to other females, that's where you should feel concerned! if that's what is happening, be as honest and kind as you possibly can and explain it without making him feel trapped. But do it before you move!
folieadeux Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I'm also bridging the gap very soon and would be more than a little ticked off if my SO wasn't helping getting things sorted. You're very lucky to have a job and a place to live all figured out already, but there's alot more to it than that. He needs to be around to discuss the particulars of things and, because you can't do that in person at this moment in time, he needs to set aside time to talk in whatever medium you prefer. That should be the priority right now, for the both of you. Of course he can still be there for his friends and live his life, but he has to remember to set time aside to address your concerns, especially seeing as you're the one that will be moving to a new country. The only thing you can do is talk to him about how important this is to get done. This isn't something that should be brushed off...things don't get done magically overnight and it isn't fair for you to do everything on your own. If he's still unwilling to do so then I would seriously be questioning things. If he can't even handle organizing a few things before the move, I'd have to question how useful he'll be when you're actually there knowing no one but him.
Author Glass_slippers Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) Guess taking cookies home and driving people back is nice but this is a pattern that keeps repeating itself, usually very late at night so I wonder if these girls have NO ONE else in the world they could turn to BUT him and if he finds that acceptable, which he clearly does, then what's wrong with setting aside some time to talk to his girlfriend? I've tried talking to him about it and he apologized again saying that he doesn't mean to do it but bad stuff keeps happening to his friends and he needs to be there for them. I asked him if he could tell those friends who call at 1 am, 2 am and so on that it's late and he's otherwise occupied but they should definitely call someone else because repeatedly getting drunk and into someone's bed speaks volumes about the way in which they handle themselves. He was there when I tried to talk to him yesterday but might have as well been away. He listened to me without actually listening. That's the worst thing of all. I know that because whenever I asked him a question afterwards, his answer would be "what's that again?" I'd like to be able to do things on my own and not have to wait for him to decide that this is important for him but I just can't do that. There are some things that I need him to physically do while he's there to finalize everything. Edited February 23, 2012 by Glass_slippers
pettie Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I'd like to be able to do things on my own and not have to wait for him to decide that this is important for him but I just can't do that. There are some things that I need him to physically do while he's there to finalize everything. Hello: I am not saying that you are nagging, but if the pattern continues, he may get all defensive and say you are doing so. I believe you are right to be worried, as it is a major change in your life and you are only requesting for some cooperation from your partner. I read this article the other day, in the WSJ Online, perhaps it can help you address the situation (I'll copy it since I don't know if you'll be able to see it in the website): -------- Death by a Thousand Reminders Is nagging a problem in your relationship? Here are some tips for both partners to help curb it. - Calm down—both of you. Recognize the pattern you are in and talk about how to address it as a team. You will both need to change your behavior, and ground rules can help. - Look at it from the other person's perspective. 'Honey, when you ignore me I feel that you don't love me.' 'I feel that you don't appreciate what I am already doing when you nag me.' - If you are the nagger, realize you are asking for something. Use an 'I' not a 'you' statement. Say 'I would really like you to pay the Visa bill on time,' instead of 'You never pay the bill on time.' - Explain why your request is important to you. 'I worry about our finances when you pay the bill late. We can't afford to pay late fees.' - Manage your expectations. Make sure you are asking for something that is realistic and appropriate. Does the light bulb need to be changed immediately? - Set a timeframe. Ask when your partner can expect to finish the task. ('Can you change the car oil this weekend?') Let him tell you when it works best for him to do it. - If you are the naggee, give a clear response to your partner's request. Tell her honestly if you can do what she asks and when. Then follow through. Do what you say you will do. - Consider alternative solutions. Maybe it's worth it to hire a handyman, rather than harm your relationship with arguing. Source: WSJ reporting Tips for Getting Your Marriage Out of the Nagging Rut - WSJ.com ------------- I truly hope everything does turn out good with you both.
folieadeux Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Even though you want to be independent and do things on your own, that doesn't give him a free pass to not show any interest in your endeavours. He needs to be helping you; you can't be expected to do everything yourself. I'm sure you're more than capable, but that's not the point. I would not be uprooting my life for someone that's acting like they couldn't be bothered. 2
FitChick Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Now that "fantasy and future" have become "reality and now," he is scared. He probably likes his freedom. Can you move but not live with him? At least you will have a job. Then see if his behavior changes with you living nearby instead. If he improves, then live with him. He sounds a bit immature.
IcomeInPeace Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I am very much on your side but one thing you have to realize is that men and women think differently. Women need to go over things and rehash them in much more detail than men. Not to say he gets a pass for not paying attention but so you can figure out how to get more out of him. Let him tell you his plans and then ask him without it seeming like you're questioning him (or not showing faith in him) so you can get some more detail. When a man says "I got it" it doesn't do much for a women but for that man he's looking for you to trust him. When both parties understand the needs they both have and how they're wired differently they can gradually work on meeting in the middle. My advice is to not move until he sets time aside immediately to tell you his vision. If he doesn't have one or it's not adequate it's not time for you to move. Without a set destination and a route planned out you two will just be wandering aimlessly and that's something no one should move into.
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