mixwell Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I find it quite easy to give unbiased advice to those of us users on LS on what to do but I feel very foolish with this but emotional I think I am losing it so here goes.. Basically was introduced to a korean girl (via a friend) who was living in China and just moved to Los Angeles a month ago. She had told him she like me blah blah so basically we hang out on Saturday, had a good time and came back to my place.. We hook up etc, no sex because it's that time of the month.. I ask her a few days later to come over and I would cook dinner for us. She mentions that she's moving to Sacramento (which if you're not in CA it's up North VS So Cal) and I'm kinda like WTF... Anyways I tell her that I want to see her before she leaves and so we hang out today. Now I haven't been in a relationship since 2008 but I am finding myself very into her and caring about her. She lives with her aunt and is moving because she really has no where else to go being new in the country. I was talking to my sister and explaining how despite only hanging out with her once and our differences I felt like I missed her.. I told her I think it's just a longing and missing a relationship which it most likely is but like we hung out again today and it was fun but for some reason I almost felt feelings for her like it was someone I loved and it made me quite depressed and sad despite only hanging out with her twice. It seems like she's totally infatuated with me and constantly stares into my eyes like a deep connection. So my question is am I letting my desire of a relationship blur my emotions or what ? I've never really felt like feelings of emotion with anyone I've dated only 2 times in the past so what the hell is wrong with me now ? I've thought in the back of my mind of saying Fk it and telling her to live with me but that would be CRAZY and I know but I can't help thinking about that scenario.. The kicker is (which some may say is more of a reason to stray away) since she's from China, she has no green card etc.. Her psycho aunt is trying to set her up on dates to marry someone for legal status because she told me and I was like woah red flag. I could be wrong but I'm sure this "bond" although short is legit, just the way she looks at me and admires me. The 1st hangout after we did our thing I was watching TV and smoking a cigarette and that whole time outta the corner of my eye she was just staring at me and I catch her looking like "deeply" into my eyes. Bottom line is common sense I wouldn't ask a girl I've known like 2 weeks and been on like 2 dates with to move in but is it normal to feel soo strong about someone only after 2 freakin dates ? I'd really like to see her and get to know her more but she's moving and there's no way I'd ask someone I don't know to live with me by any means but I think naively I wan't to say Fk it and be with her but I'm baffled at how much I am letting my emotions make me care about her soo much.. So bottom line is why the hell do I feel soo connected with her after a few dates ? Is because I really desire a relationship again or WTF... I'm sure I know the answer to my own question but I just really needed to express my crazy feelings and tell someone rather than keeping it bottled up. Thanks in advance if you took the time to read this
Frogwife Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 You can't help your feelings, but you can help your actions. Moving in with someone you just met two weeks ago would be very unwise. I know you feel a panic because of her immigration status (I'm American living in France, married to a French guy, so I understand this) but don't let emotions and feelings cloud logic.
Author mixwell Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 Thank you for the reply. Yah there's no way I would let her move in but I just find it very odd that I seem to feel soo caring and strongly about her. I guess I know (or dont know) that she's a good person and is legit in her feelings but I feel like clouded vision when I start to think about these irrational thoughts of asking her to move in or at least thinking about it in the back of my mind.
ja123 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 ... So my question is am I letting my desire of a relationship blur my emotions or what?... ...I'm baffled at how much I am letting my emotions make me care about her soo much.. . Is because I really desire a relationship again[?]... Funny, you sound like me: I've a similar scenario going on right now. Here's my two cents ... After four years of being single, you are ready for a relationship. You have place in your heart to love again. Isn't that wonderful? However, you are right that it's premature. You have a connection to this girl and she to you, but you know that doesn't constitute a relationship. What it does say, however, is that there is potential for one developing. This is what I've been doing to tone things down so I can keep a handle on my feelings for the guy I'm seeing right now: Keeping myself really busy, spacing out dates, allowing the other person to figure out his living arrangements/future without regard to the possible impact it could have on a potential relationship (i.e., if he has to leave, then so be it), not sleeping with him (keeping dates limited to public places helps with this.) The not sleeping with him is actually pretty difficult ... but for me, I have too much of a connection with him that it wouldn't be like having sex (that's the easy part!) it would be like making love. And I haven't "made love" in years. It's crazy having all these feelings, hunh?
Author mixwell Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 Funny, you sound like me: I've a similar scenario going on right now. Here's my two cents ... After four years of being single, you are ready for a relationship. You have place in your heart to love again. Isn't that wonderful? However, you are right that it's premature. You have a connection to this girl and she to you, but you know that doesn't constitute a relationship. What it does say, however, is that there is potential for one developing. This is what I've been doing to tone things down so I can keep a handle on my feelings for the guy I'm seeing right now: Keeping myself really busy, spacing out dates, allowing the other person to figure out his living arrangements/future without regard to the possible impact it could have on a potential relationship (i.e., if he has to leave, then so be it), not sleeping with him (keeping dates limited to public places helps with this.) The not sleeping with him is actually pretty difficult ... but for me, I have too much of a connection with him that it wouldn't be like having sex (that's the easy part!) it would be like making love. And I haven't "made love" in years. It's crazy having all these feelings, hunh? I know it will come to pass but right now I'm infatuated with her. When I drop her off and come home I smell my clothes and can smell her scent on me and it's intoxicating.. wow.. haha.. O well I guess it is what it is but if she weren't moving I could see things progressing in the future.
Emilia Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Thank you for the reply. Yah there's no way I would let her move in but I just find it very odd that I seem to feel soo caring and strongly about her. I guess I know (or dont know) that she's a good person and is legit in her feelings but I feel like clouded vision when I start to think about these irrational thoughts of asking her to move in or at least thinking about it in the back of my mind. I felt the same way about someone about 3 years ago. He showed me so much love and affection as soon as we met that I went completely weak at the knees. I think it's a very healthy way to feel towards someone you fancy and who likes you a lot. You want to be open to love, that's the only way. However, it is also true that you don't know her yet! She is a complex person as everyone else and after a couple of months her true self with surface more and more. Asking her to move in is a bad idea because - as a lot of people here will tell you - turning something fresh and new into more routine arrangements might kill it. Sure it's great to have sex on tap but are you at the stage yet when you want to her pick up your dirty socks from the floor and have stupid arguments over which TV channel to watch? Shouldn't that be at a later stage, if at all?
ja123 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Yep, you got it bad!!! What is it ... like 4 a.m. in California right now? You're up thinking about her and nothing else!!!! lol Like I said, try to structure your meets in such a way that you can try to keep a handle on this. As for me, I think falling in love does start with infatuation ... it's magical. I don't want my rationale to kill the magic, but I'm very aware of needing to tone things down. But isn't it wonderful? Don't you feel over the moon in some way?
Author mixwell Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 Yep, you got it bad!!! What is it ... like 4 a.m. in California right now? You're up thinking about her and nothing else!!!! lol Like I said, try to structure your meets in such a way that you can try to keep a handle on this. As for me, I think falling in love does start with infatuation ... it's magical. I don't want my rationale to kill the magic, but I'm very aware of needing to tone things down. But isn't it wonderful? Don't you feel over the moon in some way? yah its late, usually a late night person. yah i love the feeling of someone new but unfortunately moving away kinda kills it haha. i guess ill try to spend what time i can with her before she moves then its goodbye. just gotta note to self next time to not get into it with a female who is moving miles away 2 weeks after dating her haha. o well i didnt know, live and learn huh
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I'm a love fool, even though I'm very picky I can get a sense for a woman right away If she's going to be someone that gets me pretty high on that crack. When I go through with that initial instinctive emotion by hanging out with them or pursuing them romantically things typically click extremely fast and It's a very emotional experience right away. I've fallen for women in hours, and I can tell they feel the same and It can get pretty crazy very fast, It's easy to get caught in that whirlwind. However having that experience several times in my life...If not more, out of the most crazy of and unexpected of situations I'm wise enough to know now that even though what I am feeling is "real" at the time..it's only "real" to a degree. Something could happen and immediately change the direction or you're not really paying attention to their personality and overlook every incompatibility, you have this sense to be blinded and clouded and see everything as perfect and/or acceptable. So it's very important to give it time...It can have a lot to do with your own emotional state for sure...your desire to be close to someone on a deeper level or that lust for a relationship and companion, especially If you've been very lonely or even depressed...a good feeling can be the chain reaction to a lot of things. You're a grown man though, if you wanted to take that leap of faith I honestly wouldn't blame you...I can tell you myself I have made crazier decisions than you prob ever have and I don't say I necessarily regret them. I learned a lot from them, but as a love fool It's really an experience I have a hard time avoiding when I see it...which unfortunately tends to happen to easily so I try to avoid many women altogether! The smart thing to do of course is just wait it out, and get to know her. The only problem I see with you letting her move in is her needing that greencard, that's a lot of pressure...but look at it from her point of view...I'm sure she doesn't want that kind of pressure either, but that makes her a huge liability, this is not just shacking up with some girl that already is a citizen and doesn't necessarily need you If things don't work. So in your case the stakes are very high, I'd stay in contact and get to know better..maybe even visit her....I also live in So Cal and my ex was going to Standford and that was difficult but we made it work for a while...turns out living together however didn't work so well even after a long relationship. Whether you experience this often or very rarely, It is still pretty normal...don't freak out over it and try to understand why you're feeling that way because it's not something that makes any sense sometimes, just go with it but If you give yourself enough time, you will eventually snap out of it.
make me believe Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Aw! I think that sounds so nice! I felt an immediate connection with my husband when I met him, similar to what you're describing. If you don't feel this way about every girl you date, then I think you can trust your feelings, but of course you need to stay reasonable about it & not move too fast etc. Like Ninja said, make sure you don't allow your feelings to cloud all of your judgment and cause you to overlook incompatabilities that may be important in the long run. How far away is she moving? I think you should keep getting to know her, drive up to see her for a weekend & stuff.
Author mixwell Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 well i wouldnt mind driving to see her from LA to Sacramento is an easy 8-10 hr drive which I wouldnt commit to. if it were like an hr or so yah. i do feel like its because of that lonely feeling i have feelings but im smarter than that to let my feelings cloud judgement. i think in the end its just goin to be a tough loss for me. since our lack of time knowing each other it wont take long really to get over it, i had a 7 yr relationship end in 2004 i dealt with which is when i first came to LS so this should be a cake walk
insertnamehere Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Her psycho aunt is trying to set her up on dates to marry someone for legal status because she told me and I was like woah red flag. FTR, green card marriages are more likely to be stable than normal marriages. Just thought I'd note it.
Author mixwell Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 FTR, green card marriages are more likely to be stable than normal marriages. Just thought I'd note it. Really ? That's odd but I can kinda see it in the sense of arranged marriages.. My friend's Palestinian and I think his parents were introduced somewhat that way and they're still married after 30+ years. It's odd because I think green card arranged marriages for for guys who can't find a chick but I met this chick through a friend who happens to be in that situation but I do believe she has feelings of caring for just by how she looks at me and things she says to me but it doesn't matter now.. Bus tickets aren't too expensive, she was asking me tonight how much they were so who knows maybe she can cruise back down and stay for the weekend or something. I feel like a douche after 3 dates now doing this.., I gave her my sweater to "remember me" and she was happy and said it smelled good like me. ::sigh:: It's kinda funny how they say you'll find the one (not completely true here) when you're not looking.. She kinda fell into my lap randomly (no pun intended) haha
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