frozensprouts Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 ( i am going to be nice, as I assume you didn't want this situation right now, and you are in "panic mode" and maybe not thinking too clearly) If you have any feelings for your ex-fiance at all, and any love for the child you are carrying, you will be honest. You will tell your ex-fiance the truth and let him decide what he wants to do. You will not lie. You will not use this child as a way to keep ex-married man in your life. That's unfair to the child. If he wants to be involved , fine. If he only wants to be there by paying child support, then that's also fine. Don't use the child's paternity as a weapon against him ( not saying you are planning to do this, but it has happened before) Suppose you do lie and pass the baby off as your ex fiance's. what do think will happen when he finds out what's really been going on? Won't he wonder where the money your ex married man will pay for child support will be coming from? What if, down the road, he decides to access his aprental rights and wants to spend time with the baby as his father? How will you explain that? What if the baby has some kind of inherited condition from his father....how will you explain that? there's so many things that could go wrong, and, besides, it's just sooooo dishonest. Do you really want your child to have that kind of dishonesty in their life? Unless you are super manipulative you won't tell a lie like that and be so cruel to two innocent people ( your ex fiance and your future child)
standtall Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Jaloka..I find your posts almost unreal as I've never heard of worse judgement that what you claim you have done in this situation. 1. Quit lying and tell the truth to the MM/Ex-F 2. see above 3-infinity...see above.
MissBee Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) What you are planning to do to your xf is selfish, disgusting and almost downright evil. You're almost 40 years old and this is how you behave? Like you should be on Jerry Springer? If this is who you truly are than I feel sorry for both of your kids. I have to agree. If you make your bed, then YOU need to lie in it. Not inveigle others to lie down with you or instead of you. Kids do that...grown people should not. You seem to take no responsibility for anything. You could care less about your ongoing affair and seem to feel it is also no big deal to lie to your child about it's father and to your ex about this as well. I do wonder if you have a conscience at all.... Jaloka you seem to be living in a world governed by your own needs as well as a desire to never be alone and all others are pawns toward that end. You're with a MM for years and years, then have a fiance but MM is in the wings "incase", you and your fiance separate, you run back to MM, you get pregnant and decide you can't do it alone so you need to guilt and potentially lie to your ex fiance about the paternity, so that you don't "lose him". You could care less about him it seems...had you not been pregnant it seems you would not have ever considered him at all. You don't want to lose YOUR safety and security. It's very messed up jaloka....VERY. It's not good to live life in such a self-centered way. Edited February 23, 2012 by MissBee 1
2sunny Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 So...you broke up because he stated - and you knew - he doesn't want a baby. Now you run back to have ANY man - your prior married man - and now you are having a baby. And now you think offering someone else's baby to the guy who didn't WANT any baby to begin with is ok? He said he doesn't want a baby! Since YOU are pregnant- raise the baby on your own. Leave all the men out of it. It's yours - and your choice - it does not need to involved all these men at this point! You got what you intended - a baby - now deal with it like a big girl - deal with all the drama on your own. Do not tell your exF - unless you are willing to tell him your truth - that it's not his! That you slept with a MM as soon as he left, and now you have consequences for your choices. 2
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 i dont see how xf would ever find out. he doesnt know off MM and doubt he would question the paternity. Are you kidding me? I really hope you're not considering passing off this baby as your ex-f's. The truth ALWAYS comes out. OMG, imagine if your child was ill and needed a blood tranfusion or transplant of some kind, and then the truth comes out that way.. Along with lying to your own child about who the real father is. Don't. Tell BOTH men - The truth, get a paternity test (I'm sure BOTH men will want one done) and go from there. Don't play games, be honest and truthful. 5
blueroses10 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 i respect your opinion. the more i think about it the more unfair it seems to xfinance. but at the end of the day, isnt it the person that raises the child the real parent vs biological parent? A child can have more than one father or mother (biological and non-biological) but situations may occur where you need medical information from the biological father whether you want him in your child's life or not. Also it's not really fair to the child to keep their biological information from them for the rest of their lives. I'm not sure what the appropriate age for telling a child about their DNA is but I think they deserve to know. I screwed up royally and I'm not sure how things will play out but I didn't keep secrets from either person. I really wasn't able to keep the truth from my husband as we were not intimate at all so no way he would have thought the child was his. Not in a million years. He does love the child though but that's because he loves kids and wanted children (I guess that's why??).
Emme Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Mama's baby, father's maybe. Jaloka, I want you to know that if that child ever gets sick and a parent might be needed for what ever reason genetically. You are going to be in a world of trouble. Make the right decision for your child, not for you.
Barrsitter Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 and if your child is born with something wrong, due to hereditary, or needs a blood transfusion and it comes out that xfiance is not the father, what have you done to this child and your xfiance? are you really that devious, manipulative and heartless? xmm will not be there financially for the child because how is he going to explain the monthly money to his wife? and what will you tell xfiance about the monthly money? i think you got pregnant on purpose so you could keep the mm tied to you. i feel so bad for any child born into such an unhealthy situation - the lies and betrayal and lack of respect. shameful. Shameful is right. Just another woman using a baby to get a man. She obviously cares not a whit for her baby.
Author jaloka Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 Shameful is right. Just another woman using a baby to get a man. She obviously cares not a whit for her baby. no i did not get pregnant on purpose. i raised one child on my own. the only way i wanted another child is with a partner. my partner changed him mind which was not cool of him but i respected his decision. now there's a baby involved and i'm at loss...
Author jaloka Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 i talked to xfiance today. i told him i was pregnant and he guessed it before i said anything as we talked on the phone about a lot of things. he didnt question the paternity and i didn't bring it up. he told me that he was scared but excited and needed time to think. i told him that i was keeping the baby with or without his support and he respected that. he told me to give him a week to think it over. i know i should have said something about the paternity but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i still love him so mcuh, just wish it was his baby. i guess there's no way to tell until the end.
Author jaloka Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 and if your child is born with something wrong, due to hereditary, or needs a blood transfusion and it comes out that xfiance is not the father, what have you done to this child and your xfiance? are you really that devious, manipulative and heartless? mm had genetic testing done few years back. all clean. xmm will not be there financially for the child because how is he going to explain the monthly money to his wife? and what will you tell xfiance about the monthly money? xmm offered money only if i did not get back with xf i think you got pregnant on purpose so you could keep the mm tied to you. i feel so bad for any child born into such an unhealthy situation - the lies and betrayal and lack of respect. shameful. no i did not get pregnant on purpose. i wanted one only with a partner. i just got a job promotion that i have been waiting for which requires travel. so no this was very much unanticipated.
Author jaloka Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 A child can have more than one father or mother (biological and non-biological) but situations may occur where you need medical information from the biological father whether you want him in your child's life or not. Also it's not really fair to the child to keep their biological information from them for the rest of their lives. I'm not sure what the appropriate age for telling a child about their DNA is but I think they deserve to know. I screwed up royally and I'm not sure how things will play out but I didn't keep secrets from either person. I really wasn't able to keep the truth from my husband as we were not intimate at all so no way he would have thought the child was his. Not in a million years. He does love the child though but that's because he loves kids and wanted children (I guess that's why??). how did your H take it when you told him about the baby? are you two able to work it out? are you planning on telling the child, when old enough, about who the father is? i'm not trying to pry, just trying to wrap my head around this situation. you can pm if you like.
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 i talked to xfiance today. i told him i was pregnant and he guessed it before i said anything as we talked on the phone about a lot of things. he didnt question the paternity and i didn't bring it up. he told me that he was scared but excited and needed time to think. i told him that i was keeping the baby with or without his support and he respected that. he told me to give him a week to think it over. i know i should have said something about the paternity but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i still love him so mcuh, just wish it was his baby. i guess there's no way to tell until the end. Bull! I'm sorry to be blunt. You need a wake up call before this whole thing blows up in your face and due to all the stress and drama around you, something could happen to this baby. You said, "and i'm sure it's MM's, as my fiance and I were intimate only once after the breakup and it wasn't near the time." Your exF IS going to figure out that the dates are wrong. You CANNOT LIE/OMIT this truth to your ex F. YOU HAVE to tell him tomorrow. It's just plain selfish and cruel of you to let him "think about things" for a week and then wait. What if he says he wants to work things out? He will HATE you for lying to him, making a fool of him by letting him think things through, then he chooses to go back with you, you've held back this whopping big lie! Do you understand this? It really is up to you on how this turns out. It won't be easy either way but by tellin the truth, you'll be honest and drama free. You lie, you'll have TWO men resenting you and taking you to court at some point to figure out who's baby it is. Please re think this and talk to your ex. You owe him the truth. 2
twinsmom Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I get it. Your ex-fiance supposedly talked to you about wanting kids, and then you found out that he didn't want them after all. You feel that everything he told you was a lie. You feel incredibly betrayed. But he still doesn't want kids! Nothing that happens from this point forward will MAKE him want a child.
woinlove Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 i talked to xfiance today. i told him i was pregnant and he guessed it before i said anything as we talked on the phone about a lot of things. he didnt question the paternity and i didn't bring it up. he told me that he was scared but excited and needed time to think. i told him that i was keeping the baby with or without his support and he respected that. he told me to give him a week to think it over. i know i should have said something about the paternity but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i still love him so mcuh, just wish it was his baby. i guess there's no way to tell until the end. It doesn't sound like you know what love is or you would never treat him like that. That is definitely not love. What a mess you are creating for your child, him, yourself and the new baby.
denise_xo Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 (edited) I think you should look at these links: Husband sues wife who ‘duped him for 17 years into bringing up daughter who wasn't his child' | Mail Online Man wins right to sue in paternity 'fraud' case - Crime - UK - The Independent 'My mother lied to me for 17 years': Daughter in 'paternity fraud' case reveals moment she found about her real father | Mail Online Mommy's little secret - Canada's Globe and Mail national newspaper - paternity fraud, dna testing. BBC News - Have you ever thought your child was not your own? Summed up, what this will tell you is 1) You're really playing with fire, and the truth is VERY likely to come out in a medical (or other) setting, especially as the use of DNA info for various purposes increases 2) You put yourself at risk of being sued. What are you going to tell your child when s/he finds out? Edited February 24, 2012 by denise_xo
Gentlegirl2 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Are you seriously considering trying to pass your baby off as you F's? I don't often feel pissed off with people on here, but I have to say that is a low down sneaky thing to even consider. Your x F didn't want children anyway. It's unfair to all parites. You are responsible, so wear it. Tell you xF by all means but for goodness sake do not lumber him with somebody else's child at his expense. DO tell the MM and get some financial support for the baby. Don't ruin you xF's life because you got knocked up by the MM. That's just beyond belief. Would you really be happy with that situation say 20 years down the track? You would have lived a lie for all those years. GG 1
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 i know i should have said something about the paternity but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i still love him so mcuh, just wish it was his baby. i guess there's no way to tell until the end. Can I ask why you couldn't bring yourself to tell him? If you're scared of reaction, that's not an excuse or a reason not to tell. And what do you mean by "there's no way to tell until the end." Meaning keeping this big lie quiet until your baby is born and then act 'surprised' when the paternity test shows who the father is?
PhoenixRise Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 i talked to xfiance today. i told him i was pregnant and he guessed it before i said anything as we talked on the phone about a lot of things. he didnt question the paternity and i didn't bring it up. he told me that he was scared but excited and needed time to think. i told him that i was keeping the baby with or without his support and he respected that. he told me to give him a week to think it over. i know i should have said something about the paternity but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i still love him so mcuh, just wish it was his baby. i guess there's no way to tell until the end. Jaloka Your ex-fiance didn't question the paternity because he believes you are a much better person than you actually are. It has never occurred to him that you would ever lie to him about such a thing. He trusts you. In your opening posts you say the baby is absolutely MM's because you got pregnant after your break up with the ex and that the timing was not right for the ex to be the father. Now you say there's no way to tell until the end. So basically you want to pretend to yourself that it is possible for the ex to be the father so you don't have to just outright admit to yourself that you fully intend to deceive your ex into parenting a baby that you know isn't his. Jaloka, be the kind of person your ex thinks you are. Tell him the truth. Let him know what happened with MM and that there is a good possibility the baby isn't his. 3
blueroses10 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 how did your H take it when you told him about the baby? are you two able to work it out? are you planning on telling the child, when old enough, about who the father is? i'm not trying to pry, just trying to wrap my head around this situation. you can pm if you like. He was beyond livid that I cheated and that I was pregnant. He had different emotions during my pregnancy a lot of which was not conducive to a pregnancy. He loves my child dearly but I really think that we would be divorced were it not for this child. I know I'm moving at the pace of molasses getting out of this marriage but I didn't think of passing the baby off. As I said, I couldn't have any way. Yes I plan on telling my child at some point sooner rather than later. Most of the important parties know about the child's paternity. Keeping it a secret was not good for me as a person so I can't imagine lying outright and the backlash that will follow. Be honest with your ex-fiance and allow the chips to fall where they may. I can assure you it isn't worth the stress to lie. We've already hurt the family of MM and our children to a certain degree, please don't complicate matters further.
nofool4u Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 i talked to xfiance today. i told him i was pregnant and he guessed it before i said anything as we talked on the phone about a lot of things. he didnt question the paternity and i didn't bring it up. he told me that he was scared but excited and needed time to think. i told him that i was keeping the baby with or without his support and he respected that. OMG!!! You are letting him think this is his baby. You are one of the most despicable women on this site. Completely disgusting!! 1
Author jaloka Posted February 25, 2012 Author Posted February 25, 2012 I get it. Your ex-fiance supposedly talked to you about wanting kids, and then you found out that he didn't want them after all. You feel that everything he told you was a lie. You feel incredibly betrayed. But he still doesn't want kids! Nothing that happens from this point forward will MAKE him want a child. htank you. someone finally understood what i was getting at. yes i'm pissed that he deceived me for 1.5 yrs with the child thing. he probably doesnt deserve being lied to but he lied to me for 1.5 yrs...hence i stand my ground.
Author jaloka Posted February 25, 2012 Author Posted February 25, 2012 OMG!!! You are letting him think this is his baby. You are one of the most despicable women on this site. Completely disgusting!! Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need. - Marshall Rosenberg now turn around and look in the mirror and tell me how perfect you are. yeah exactly. i thought so...
anne1707 Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 htank you. someone finally understood what i was getting at. yes i'm pissed that he deceived me for 1.5 yrs with the child thing. he probably doesnt deserve being lied to but he lied to me for 1.5 yrs...hence i stand my ground. But you wouldn't just be deceiving him, you would also be deceiving your child. Can you really not see how selfish and cruel this is of you? 1
denise_xo Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 htank you. someone finally understood what i was getting at. yes i'm pissed that he deceived me for 1.5 yrs with the child thing. he probably doesnt deserve being lied to but he lied to me for 1.5 yrs...hence i stand my ground. You know this doesn't hold. The fact that someone lies to me doesn't give me a license to lie to my child. The issue remains that this IS likely to come out. What are your thoughts on that?
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