gd26 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) Hi all. I have been away from this site for a few years. I was randomly thinking of another member who was popular on this site at the time I was, and I was wondering if she finally moved on from the man she was in love with. It saddened me to see from her recent posts that she has still not moved on, as I was really rooting for her that she would. Back when I was really active here, I used this site for helping me maintain NC from a guy who had rejected me. I spent hours and hours digging through this site, hoping that I could find stories of people whose exes realized their mistake and took their partner back. I would look though old posts here, and wonder how things turned out for these people... whether their exes came back, or whether they found a happier life with someone else. Back then I thought I had found the love of my life, as we were both had so many common interests, were in the same profession, had similar lifestyles, and had the same witty humor and intellectualism. I was devastated that he wouldn't give me another chance (as he thought I was 'clingy' etc). I truly felt like there would be no one else as good as him. So I maintained NC with fantasy guy in hopes that he would miss talking to me, and want to get reinvolved with me. Well, it never happened. NC did not help me get him back (although I do think it at least helped me regain some of his respect). But it did help me to slowly reduce the compulsion to contact him, and the distress. It helped me take this fantasy guy off the pedestal I had placed him on. Two years later I met another guy who treated me very lovingly (and was super excited to have a relationship with me), and a year and a half later this man and I are happily married. My husband is quite different than the man I was obsessed with from my past who I thought was my soulmate. Yes, the other guy and I had a whole lot more in common and had this scintillating intellectual chemistry. I do miss that aspect. However, in other ways, my husband is so much more than the past guy ever was. My husband has a heart as big as the ocean and does his best to nurture me in every way he can. He brings me flowers, gives me thoughtful gifts, and calls me just to let me know he is thinking of me. I don't worry about calling my husband too much, or worry excessively that I might do something to push him away... as my husband WANTS my love and affection and wants this relationship. Our relationship is not perfect, but I'm so much happier and more fulfilled then I have been with anyone from my past. Unlike the emotionally unavailable men from my past with whom I might have begged, pleaded, groveled etc for their love, I don't need to do any of that with my husband, as his love is always available and accessible to me. This is what a relationship is about... not that sort of drama and infatuation or obsession that people mislabel as 'love'. It saddens me to see a few people here who have not let their fantasy ex go after years. (I label this person as a 'fantasy' because often much of the infatuation we have with the person who rejected us is fueled by our own mental imagery... at least as it was with me, with past men.) It gives me a sickly feeling in my stomach to imagine if I would still be in love with my exes today, instead of being happily married to my husband. I'm glad that I was eventually able to let go. It wasn't easy at all, but it needed to happen. There were mistakes I made along the way, such as allowing myself to fall into a depression and not getting treated for a long time. That really hurt me, as I wasn't able to focus on school and I ended up not completing my master's degree (I was 95% through and on my last project when I fell into depression and couldn't finish the final assignment). I hurt myself more than my fantasy guy ever did to me. But finally when I was able to get counseling for helping me deal with my pain, and maintained strict NC with the guy, and took care of myself emotionally, physically etc... that's when things turned around. Now I'm also halfway though a professional degree program and am happy that my future is looking better. I know my post may not be helpful to everyone, especially for those who are not ready yet to let go. Yes, for anyone newly in pain, it does take time to heal, that's for sure. And I don't want to suggest anyone rush his/her healing which is necessary. My post is both to give comfort to those recently rejected (to let them know that there is hope for a better life), as well as to give a wake up call to those struggling for years that life is too short to continue to dwell on someone who chose not to love you, when you could be out having a better life instead with someone who IS available to you. I simply wrote this to help someone who might have been where I was some years ago.... yearning for the love of an idealized partner who was so good in so many ways, but emotionally unavailable. While the past guy might have seemingly been more compatible with me in terms of common interests, he was ultimately incompatible because he wasn't able or willing to love me fully... as my husband does. I'm happier now. And I wish all of you here a brighter future with loving parters as well. Edited February 22, 2012 by gd26 4
lovelylashes Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 wow thats a brilliant end to what sounds like an awful time you were going through. Alot of people including myself will be inspired by this to finally get on with their lives instead of waiting around for a man\woman that has left them heartbroken. Thanks so much for posting this.
Buttercup84 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 It is so wonderful to read that you found love like that . It gives me hope , and others too . Thank you x
pinkie Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Lovely, Lovely, Lovely Post!!!! Thank you so much for sharing your experience. You really put things in perspective, especially the depression part. It has really affected my being able to get through school and the menial tasks that need to be done on a daily basis. I am currently in counseling as well and hopefully on the upswing soon. Your post is really insightful to the possibilities that lie ahead for everyone who's gone through the heartache of romanticizing an EU ex. NC definitely is the key to healing. Thank you again for sharing!
Philosoraptor Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 It's great to see someone come back and let everyone here know where fully healing can take you. Good for you and the best of luck with your future.
Rockette Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Thank you for this post! It does make me feel a whole lot better and gives me hope about my situation. I've only just learnt about unavailable men, and that's exactly what my ex was. There were so many red flags that I missed. And yes, I am in a semi-depressive slump now. Though the more I read about things, the more I understand and can learn to cope. And yep, I look forward to meeting someone who will actually WANT my love and will give me theirs. I wish you guys a great future together!
nea clementine Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Thank you for coming back and sharing your post-moving-on story with us. It is so rare that those who have truly moved on would do that. Just the other day I was thinking and asking myself, "what's on the other side? How would it feel or be like to be finally moving on and not be troubled by this?" And here you are answering my question. I am no longer hopeful for the ex, and am working towards finding someone who I can share life with. I just haven't found him yet. But when I do, I'll definitely do what you did. I'll come back and tell my story too. So I guess...I'll see you on the other side - hopefully soon? P.S. Congratulations!
Frank13 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Two years later I met another guy who treated me very lovingly (and was super excited to have a relationship with me), and a year and a half later this man and I are happily married. My husband is quite different than the man I was obsessed with from my past who I thought was my soulmate. Yes, the other guy and I had a whole lot more in common and had this scintillating intellectual chemistry. I do miss that aspect. However, in other ways, my husband is so much more than the past guy ever was. My husband has a heart as big as the ocean and does his best to nurture me in every way he can. He brings me flowers, gives me thoughtful gifts, and calls me just to let me know he is thinking of me. I don't worry about calling my husband too much, or worry excessively that I might do something to push him away... as my husband WANTS my love and affection and wants this relationship. Our relationship is not perfect, but I'm so much happier and more fulfilled then I have been with anyone from my past. Unlike the emotionally unavailable men from my past with whom I might have begged, pleaded, groveled etc for their love, I don't need to do any of that with my husband, as his love is always available and accessible to me. This is what a relationship is about... not that sort of drama and infatuation or obsession that people mislabel as 'love'. It gives me a sickly feeling in my stomach to imagine if I would still be in love with my exes today, instead of being happily married to my husband. I'm glad that I was eventually able to let go. It wasn't easy at all, but it needed to happen. While the past guy might have seemingly been more compatible with me in terms of common interests, he was ultimately incompatible because he wasn't able or willing to love me fully... as my husband does. I'm happier now. And I wish all of you here a brighter future with loving parters as well. I didn't see anything in your post saying you love your husband or are in love with him. So are you in love with him, or is he just better in some ways than your ex so you have settled for him?
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