Misshavoc Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 this is some what random, but i'm looking for advice - hopefully someone wise can help me. I've been with my boyfriend about 2 and a half years, I'm his first girlfriend and I guess he's a little immature in general. About a year or so in, I started to hint about marriage etc, trying to get the jist of how he felt about it. I know this is really stupid but I've had a 4 year relationship before and knew I loved him. Anyway he just said that he didn't agree with marriage and couldn't see the point in paying so much for paper... So another year goes by and I go marriage crazy for a month, showing him rings etc. He's not interested really, but doesn't tell me to stfu or give me any negative feedback. So now it's 2012 and I'm looking to pop the question, so whilst looking for ideas, I stumbled upon a website with a competition, you win a hotel break and all the tirmmings and a car. Only one catch you have to get filmed proposing to your guy. So I thought hell why not?! Not thinking he'd be that unimpressed. I got the telephone call to say I had got through and they'll be filming shortly. I decided to tell him about this, before we end up at the venue and he totally blows me off. He's hit the roof and basically wants to split up with me over this. I don't care about the car, I wanted to marry him anyway - but he's really upset and wants to leave me over it. I'm devestated is there anyway I could win this back or is the fact he won't do this for me a reason to get rid of him? I'm in two minds thinking why wouldn't he do this for me? It's 10 mins of filming, the other part sees why and cares whether i lose him or not? Please help - at my wits end!!
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 You two are on different pages - It seems he doesn't want to get married, or atleast this particular way, being filmed. Rightfully so. You put him in a spot without telling him or discussing it - Of course he's going to be shocked and surprised even more so if you two haven't been talking about marriage. You did this knowing how he felt about marriage too, so I'm betting he feels like you are manipulating him into marrying you. I know that you probably didn't mean for it to look that way but put yourself in his shoes - He TOLD you how he felt about marriage and you went and did this with an expecation he'd say yes. Unfortunately he said no and wants to walk away.. Give him some time and space to think, then tell him you're sorry and talk about things.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 You're kidding, right? He TOLD you he doesn't believe in marriage. Why don't you believe what your beloved says? He was not going to accept your proposal no matter how you did it. He doesn't believe in marriage.
Author Misshavoc Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 He did actually say he wanted to marry me, just not yet. I'm not looking at getting married today or tomorrow - I'm talking a few years down the line. I'm hardly manipulating him at all, if I was manipulating him as you put it. I wouldn't of told him anything about it or given him the option. The fact I gave him an option proves to the contrary. Anyway, I've spoken to my friends I've had 1 person our of 6 who wouldn't of done it and 5/6 who would've done it - purely for the car... So it really does prove what you're willing to do for your partner regardless if you believe in marriage or not. However as we're in different places in our lives we've split up entirely. So thanks for your comments.
CC12 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Anyway, I've spoken to my friends I've had 1 person our of 6 who wouldn't of done it and 5/6 who would've done it - purely for the car... Friends usually try to be supportive and often will tell you what you want to hear because they want to comfort you when you're upset, not make you feel worse. You have nice friends. But 3 out of 3 internet strangers plus your boyfriend think you were in the wrong. My condolences. So it really does prove what you're willing to do for your partner regardless if you believe in marriage or not. You were kind of asking a lot of him, and I think it's unfortunate that you expected him to go through with something he wasn't comfortable with just because you asked him to. He shouldn't have had to prove anything to you. Sorry you split up over this, but I'm sure it's for the best.
Emilia Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 He did actually say he wanted to marry me, just not yet. I'm not looking at getting married today or tomorrow - I'm talking a few years down the line. I'm hardly manipulating him at all, if I was manipulating him as you put it. I wouldn't of told him anything about it or given him the option. The fact I gave him an option proves to the contrary. Anyway, I've spoken to my friends I've had 1 person our of 6 who wouldn't of done it and 5/6 who would've done it - purely for the car... So it really does prove what you're willing to do for your partner regardless if you believe in marriage or not. However as we're in different places in our lives we've split up entirely. So thanks for your comments. No it's just proves how immature you and your friends are and how you are unable to understand someone's point of view who does not wish to be filmed and made a joke of in front of an audience! You did try to manipulate your boyfriend and you denied it too afterwards - clearly he knows you well enough to understand this and he dumped you. I would have done the same.
Author Misshavoc Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 I do understand his point of view, if you had read my original post... You'd of seen that when I wrote part of me understands where he's coming from and doesn't want to lose him. P.s. don't try insulting someone by calling them and their friends "immature" you don't even know me. The fact I'm asking complete strangers for advice, would give you a general gist that I'm not immature at all. I didn't force it onto him, I didn't make him do it. I simply gave him the option of doing it, by actually ASKING him. If it had been the other way around I'd of done it for him without any hesitation. But that's my opinion - doesn't mean to say I'm immature for holding that opinion Perhaps a little naive, but please don't start slinging insults my way, I'm glad he dumped you blah blah blah... You don't know me.. Therefore don't become a keyboard warrior.
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 If it had been the other way around I'd of done it for him without any hesitation But that is you! You ARE ready for marriage, HE ISN'T! I'm not sure why you aren't understanding this. ? Bottomline is, HE felt manipulated by you going ahead with this plan and not discussing it with him first. Maybe your intention wasn't to manipulate him or control the situation, but to him obviously that's how it came off. You KNEW he wasn't interested in marriage - Yet you still went ahead and pushed this on him. He reacted and unfortunately for you, not in your favour. It doesn't matter what we think or your friends think if it was right or wrong. The outcome kind of proves something and maybe this is a lesson for the future to not go ahead and make big plans without discussing with your partner. You sprung it on him and he freaked out.
Author Misshavoc Posted February 25, 2012 Author Posted February 25, 2012 Obviously I understand that now and perhaps took it for granted and thought he'd just say no. However, obviously this shows where our differences lie and I'm pleased it did. I can learn from it and I've accepted the outcome - I totally understand where he's coming from and I'm kind of happy for him putting his foot down. I've also gained closure from where our relationship was headed and I've learnt a great lesson from it. Thanks for the replies, negative/positive. It's just a shame that I didn't get what I wanted, we're still talking but I don't see a reconciliation between us. I truly hope he has a happy future and get's the girl of his dreams at one point or another. He deserves it after dealing with my mischievous ways :-)
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