the wizard Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I'm a jealous guy. GF and I have argued at least twice a week for the past two months about her and our male co-workers. She's really nice to them and they always flirt, tease, and joke with her. We argue because I feel her being nice only encourages them to keep doing it, and that she knows this. Recently she's very distant with them at work. Neither sharing laughs nor smiles with them, I think for fear of yet another argument and temper tantrum from my end even though she's said that wasn't the reason. :/ Before work I ask her to write my name on the lunch schedule to be kind of cute and show affection. I get to work and I notice she wrote all of the guys names on the lunch schedule. I got pissed. One because I felt like only I should get that cutesy deed from her. Two because that either meant she was paying enough attention to these men to know their lunch schedule or verbally asked them what time they were taking lunch, possibly conversed with them, and wrote it down. When seeing I was mad she got upset saying it doesn't mean anything and that it would look weird if she just put her and I's names on the schedule (trying to keep our relationship a secret). I told her that to her it means nothing but to these guys who are always coming around her it means something and will only encourage them to come around more. We kept arguing and I told her she's retarded when it comes to men. She replied an hour later asking me if I was done calling her dumb and retarded and that she didn't want to argue about it anymore as it was insignificant except for me being upset. I was pissed at that comment and wanted to insult her again but insteas just replied with "Ok." and powered off my phone. I cut it back on and she hasn't replied yet, this was an hour ago. I don't feel as if I should apologize I was just being honest with her. Do you think she's hurt? What do I do?
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 The people at your work aren't supposed to know you're going out together. But you ask her to make gestures that "prove" that there is something between you. You are cornering her. Nothing she can do in this situation is going to be right. Calling her (or anyone) "retarded" is horrible. You are headed into dangerous, scary-controlling-man territory. If you can't handle how she interacts with men at your workplace, then you simply can't handle this relationship.
neowulf Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) I'm a jealous guy. First step is admitting the problem buddy. *You* are a jealous guy. See how that statement has nothing to do with your girlfriend or her behaviour? GF and I have argued at least twice a week for the past two months about her and our male co-workers. She's really nice to them and they always flirt, tease, and joke with her. We argue because I feel her being nice only encourages them to keep doing it, and that she knows this. You can not control a partners behaviour. Attempting to is completely self-sabotaging and will only serve to push her away. It shows a deep insecurity in yourself and is highly unattractive to women. If you're really that unhappy with your girlfriends behaviour, break up with her. Otherwise, take a deep breath and realise she's going to get hit on by men. The best you can do is take it as a compliment and not let it get to you. Before work I ask her to write my name on the lunch schedule to be kind of cute and show affection. I get to work and I notice she wrote all of the guys names on the lunch schedule. I got pissed. One because I felt like only I should get that cutesy deed from her. More controlling behaviour. This only serves to further make you seem needy and insecure? We kept arguing and I told her she's retarded when it comes to men. You know what name calling gets you? A loss of respect. Once a women loses enough respect for you, you get dumped. Keep that in mind if you're hoping to keep a hold of your girlfriend. I don't feel as if I should apologize I was just being honest with her. Do you think she's hurt? What do I do? No, you weren't being "honest". You were being controlling, needy and disrespectful. Look man, I get that you must have pretty serious feelings for this girl to be feeling like this. I'm guessing you think she's a little out of your league, given how insecure you're feeling around other guys. Thing is.. she's with you man. You have to just take a deep breath and realise that the harder you try to hold onto someone, the more you push them away. Jealously is not about the other person. It's about the way you feel about yourself. I speak as someone who's always struggled with jealously. It's all a head game man. *NEVER* attempt to control your partners behaviour. If you want to control something, learn to control your own impulses. Edited February 22, 2012 by neowulf 1
Janesays Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Wow. Seriously, this girl must have one heck of a low self esteem to be putting up with garbage since you are practically begging her to dump you. I mean, you do know you're coming off as straight insane, don't you? Seek counseling. That's not 'jealousy.' It's paranoia mixed with severe control issues. Not healthy, man. 1
Author the wizard Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 First step is admitting the problem buddy. *You* are a jealous guy. See how that statement has nothing to do with your girlfriend or her behaviour? You can not control a partners behaviour. Attempting to is completely self-sabotaging and will only serve to push her away. It shows a deep insecurity in yourself and is highly unattractive to women. If you're really that unhappy with your girlfriends behaviour, break up with her. Otherwise, take a deep breath and realise she's going to get hit on by men. The best you can do is take it as a compliment and not let it get to you. More controlling behaviour. This only serves to further make you seem needy and insecure? You know what name calling gets you? A loss of respect. Once a women loses enough respect for you, you get dumped. Keep that in mind if you're hoping to keep a hold of your girlfriend. No, you weren't being "honest". You were being controlling, needy and disrespectful. Look man, I get that you must have pretty serious feelings for this girl to be feeling like this. I'm guessing you think she's a little out of your league, given how insecure you're feeling around other guys. Thing is.. she's with you man. You have to just take a deep breath and realise that the harder you try to hold onto someone, the more you push them away. Jealously is not about the other person. It's about the way you feel about yourself. I speak as someone who's always struggled with jealously. It's all a head game man. *NEVER* attempt to control your partners behaviour. If you want to control something, learn to control your own impulses. As of right now her and I are not speaking. I know the right thing to do is apologize to her but I'm so upset with her that I want to ignore her...but still feel the need for her to reach out to me, does that make any sense?
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 As of right now her and I are not speaking. I know the right thing to do is apologize to her but I'm so upset with her that I want to ignore her...but still feel the need for her to reach out to me, does that make any sense? I don't think you are going to get much, if any, support for your attitude. YOU are the one with the problems, YOU are the one who will need to do the reaching out and making amends, and most of all YOU are the one who is going to have to do a complete turn around with your attitude and behavior. Are you going to? If not, then just break up and put an end to this sick behavior before it escalates to something really alarming.
Star Gazer Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I told her she's retarded... She replied an hour later asking me if I was done calling her dumb and retarded... I was pissed at that comment and wanted to insult her again... I don't feel as if I should apologize I was just being honest with her. You did insult your girlfriend, and then WANTED TO INSULT her again, and yet you don't think you need to apologize? As for the rest: You're not just jealous, you're outright controlling and abusive. Breakup with her so she can find someone who'll treat her with respect.
Author the wizard Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) I don't think you are going to get much, if any, support for your attitude. YOU are the one with the problems, YOU are the one who will need to do the reaching out and making amends, and most of all YOU are the one who is going to have to do a complete turn around with your attitude and behavior. Are you going to? If not, then just break up and put an end to this sick behavior before it escalates to something really alarming. I've been trying but the jealousy is so hard to control. Out of the jealousy comes anger, spite, etc. I want to be better for myself and for her, we both deserve it. I'm not like this with her outside of work. The jealousy is non-existant. I'm not sure why these three guys at work bother me. I don't know why I get insecure about her being around or talking to them. It's just those three, no one else. Every week we argue, sometimes twice. As soon as I see her talking to them I assume the worst, and my heart starts to beat a little harder and faster, and I can feel the anger building inside. Edited February 22, 2012 by the wizard
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 So, you don't talk to, look at, smile at, converse with, flirt with in an innocent way with any females? Jealously issues are not good. Sure, to be jealous over something big I can understand but it sounds like you have anger issues and control issues as well. The name calling isn't cool either. Time think about counselling to get your jealously under control and in perspective, learn how to handle your anger without name calling and being mean/controlling too.
Author the wizard Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 Things aren't the same anymore. I can tell she's afraid now. Explains herself all the time now, reluctant to speak to any other males, or voice her opinion. I feel like a godamn monster, she's such a sweetheart, I'm feeling horrible.
Author the wizard Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 I apologized for insulting her and offered a long heart felt talk in a park tomorrow. I plan on touching on alot of the underlying major issues within myself and the relationship, the ones we've basically been ignoring/in denial about. I don't know where to take it from there...its obvious this insecurity/jealousy issue is damn near uncontrollable and deeply seeded within me. Should I seek a therapist? I do have issues controlling anger and jealousy. But my anger would never turn violent against her. I know this due to past experiences where my jealousy was untamed completely, I yelled, cursed at my ex, and threw things. But I never rose a hand to my ex or felt the urge to hurt her though she did fear for her safety.
Star Gazer Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I apologized for insulting her and offered a long heart felt talk in a park tomorrow. I plan on touching on alot of the underlying major issues within myself and the relationship, the ones we've basically been ignoring/in denial about. I don't know where to take it from there...its obvious this insecurity/jealousy issue is damn near uncontrollable and deeply seeded within me. Should I seek a therapist? I do have issues controlling anger and jealousy. But my anger would never turn violent against her. I know this due to past experiences where my jealousy was untamed completely, I yelled, cursed at my ex, and threw things. But I never rose a hand to my ex or felt the urge to hurt her though she did fear for her safety. That's what EVERY SINGLE physical abuser says at first. It's a slippery slope. If you're reacting outwardly by throwing inanimate objects, the next step is punching walls, and then her face. The women you've been in relationships with are afraid for their safety when they're with you. That should say it all to you.
Old Flame Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) If an hour of silent treatment messes with you this bad, wait until you live with a woman. I've had silent treatment for weeks and months. I hope this chick dumps you and teaches you to man up. Jealous guys are insecure because they don't give their squeezes orgasms. If you give a girl an O everytime, you feel secure because "what is some other guy going to give her that you can't". And it is important to make her happy to be with you, so she looks forward to -rather than dreading- being with you. Edited February 22, 2012 by Old Flame
Author the wizard Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) That's what EVERY SINGLE physical abuser says at first. It's a slippery slope. If you're reacting outwardly by throwing inanimate objects, the next step is punching walls, and then her face. The women you've been in relationships with are afraid for their safety when they're with you. That should say it all to you. I actually don't get that upset anymore though. :/ I'm not worried I'm going to up and deck the woman I love in the face, relax. And the orgasm bit, I think that's the only reason she stays. The sex is really good for us both. Honestly it comes down to race and academics. She's an accomplished Chem major going on her Master's, and I'm working on my BS in Chem but still unsure. As for race, she only dates latin guys. I'm not latin but look it. I'm mixed. I feel, unworthy. Edited February 22, 2012 by the wizard
Author the wizard Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 Ah man. Going to get this sorted out on my own. Thought I could come here for help but it seems most people would rather insult my GF and I than try to give some pointers. Thanks for your time LoveShack.
xxoo Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 The best thing you can do at this point is work on yourself, getting to the source of your anger and jealousy. Don't try to force your way on her by calling her names, or calling her way of thinking retarded. Accept that she is showing you who she is, and decide if you can feel comfortable in a relationship with her as she is. If it isn't working for you, then it isn't working. No need to get nasty and insulting. Just end it. For your own good, get a grip on your anger. Get some counseling, go to an anger management course, read a self-help book, get religion....whatever it takes. Anger issues will poison all your relationships until you get it under control.
make me believe Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 You need some serious anger management. You had your ex fearing for her safety, and you don't find anything wrong with that because you didn't actually hit her? Are you serious?? You should send your girlfriend to loveshack so that we can advise her on what SHE should do, which is dump you before your abusive behavior escalates.
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