Suggestions?

[aries326]

Hello everyone...I'm new here, so please be gentle with me

 

My first serious relationship began when I was 17 - it was with a girl who I was friends with in high school for a brief time - she had moved to another state after just a few months of friendship and after not seeing each other for 3-4 years, we met up once in my senior year, ended up going on a date that we didn't know was a date - and shortly after entered into a relationship. That relationship was long distance at the time - which was very difficult because I think we were both way too emotionally immature. Plus, it is worth mentioning that this was in the early 1990s when there wasn't Facebook and texting and hardly anyone had cell phones - if you wanted to talk you wrote a letter (with a pen) or called on the phone and hoped you'd get lucky. It is so much easier to keep track of people nowadays!! LOL...anyway, that long distance relationship went on for almost 2 years - it was ROUGH and on-again, off again, mostly because again, we were young. To make a long story short, I felt I was ready to make a commitment to her but she was not as serious about me as I was about her.

 

Fast forward 2 years and after deciding that we really wanted to give this a try the right away, I relocated to be with her to another state 1,000 miles away. It was hard because I came from a place where I knew everyone and was deeply rooted - and the place I moved to was somewhere strange to me that I had only visited on vacation. But I loved her, and I was more financially able to do a move than her, so it had to be me. When I first got here, everything was fine but then things started to unravel quickly - I found out she had been cheating on me, lying to me about a lot of things, and just plain not treating me right. I stupidly forgave her time and time again - partly because I really did love her that much, and partly because I wanted this relationship to work SO badly. Before moving, everyone told me not to do it - but I did anyway, and I was embarrassed to admit defeat. (I was only 19 at the time and admittedly very bullheaded)

 

The next two years after that were the worst of my life. Our relationship swung from highest highs to lowest lows all the time. It was emotionally draining in every way. It destroyed my self esteem completely and just plain wore me down. We ended our relationship but continued to live together for financial reasons, which I regret - because every time I tried to meet someone else, she would get in the way or somehow sabotage it. It was a total "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either." situation.

 

I ultimately met someone else and started a relationship with her. She is the opposite of this other girl and that was just what I needed. We have been together ever since...it will be 17 years this fall. We are married for 14 years, have a child who is 10 and are very happy in our lives. In the last 17 years, the first girl has come in and out of our lives a couple of times. I actually met my wife through her - they were what you would call acquaintances. My wife really didn't want me talking to her at first, so I respected that. Every time she would reach out to me, I shut her down. It worked really well until about 10 years ago when she suddenly reappeared in our lives - this time she reached out to my wife and not to me. So they started communicating every so often here and there - I thought it suspicious immediately and then I found out she was going through some really bad relationship problems with her boyfriend at the time and basically needed someone to talk to. I warned my wife that once she worked it out with the guy, she would disappear again and sure enough, that happened. My wife was hurt - she felt kind of used and I don't really blame her. At that point, communication ended.

 

This girl and I come from the same place, so unfortunately we have a lot of friends in common. Through those friends, I have heard bits and pieces of her life in the time we haven't spoken, etc. I learned that she has been in at least 4 or 5 "serious" relationships since me, one which was abusive (where she received the abuse). Currently she is with someone who as far as I know she has been with for 3 or so years.

 

After not having heard from her for years, I got a message from her on Facebook. It said "Hi, how are you doing?" I didn't answer it for over a month - then I got another one, saying the same thing but asking me how my wife and child are, too. Feeling particularly generous, I replied that everything is fine, I hope she is well...and left it at that. (I find it hard to be rude to people or ignore them...even her!)

 

A few months later, another message comes and it says "I read your posts some times and you still know how to make me laugh. You always had this unique sense of humor...I miss that." I did not answer that one....I thought it was kind of stalker-ish. More months pass and she sends my wife a friend request, which she denied. A few days later, she sent me a friend request. I just ignored it, too.

 

Then finally, a few days ago I got a message from her that says "Have you really written me off forever? Can you please text me?" and provides her phone number.

 

I really marinaded on what to do - and here's where I need advice. I am torn between just ignoring her again...or writing her a letter to let her know WHY I really don't want to start speaking with her again. Part of me has always wanted to do that - to let her know that what she did to me was NOT OK and it really did a lot of damage. In fact, I went to therapy for a while during my current relationship, because I had a lot of unresolved issues from my time with her. At my therapist's heed, I wrote her such a letter and never sent it - she suggested it would help. And it did to an extent...but I still have this SOMETHING that makes me want to just actually tell her how I felt about it all...you know?

 

I definitely do not plan on texting her...I would prefer she not have my phone number. (I didn't even know how she was seeing my Facebook stuff until I realized my privacy settings were kind of loose - I've adjusted them since.) But I am really, really not sure what to do - do I write the letter and tell her why I don't really want to be "friends" or whatever...or do I just ignore it again...or...something else?

 

I need a neutral opinion from someone who doesn't know either of us and can be objective.

 

Can someone help me out and provide some good advice?? Thanks in advance and sorry this is so long...

[Philosoraptor]

This woman is very unstable and likely comes back to you (what was safe in the past) when things are rocky in her current life. Do not respond and also block her on facebook and over any other medium she could contact you on. You've told her time and time again not to contact you and still she has not matured enough to take care of herself.

 

Again, do not respond. Maybe this leech will finally get the hint (unlikely) and leave your life forever. She is a mess and it's not your job to take on extra stress dealing with her. She has family, relationships, friends, etc. It's not your job.

[Numb79]

She is not your responsibility.... enough said!

[aries326]

Thank you guys. Just ignoring again was my first reaction, but I just kept second guessing myself on it. As I mentioned in my initial post, I really do find it hard to just blow people off even when they deserve it. I had hoped that in all these years that have passed that she has grown up and matured some...but I really just don't think so.

 

I did block her on Facebook - I don't know there is any other method that she could use to contact me. I have had the same phone number and lived in the same house for many years but I doubt she still has the number - the address I know she has because every other year or so she will send us a Christmas card (which I think is weird...and I never open them)

 

The only thing that I do find a little troubling is that we just have such a long, long history with each other - we have known each other for more than half our lives and maybe because we were so, so close for so many years, I still feel some kind of bond with her that I cannot really explain or even understand. I don't want her in my life and I certainly would never dream of being with her ever again...and I actually don't even really like her much even after all that has happened. But there is SOMETHING there...and that is what makes it so hard to just ignore her flat out. Does that make any kind of sense to anyone?? Is this normal?

[Sugarkane]

Sounds like she likes to cause trouble. When I'm having relationship problems I don't contact someone I haven't talked to in Years, let alone an ex.

[wilsonx]

Thank you guys. Just ignoring again was my first reaction, but I just kept second guessing myself on it. As I mentioned in my initial post, I really do find it hard to just blow people off even when they deserve it. I had hoped that in all these years that have passed that she has grown up and matured some...but I really just don't think so.

 

I did block her on Facebook - I don't know there is any other method that she could use to contact me. I have had the same phone number and lived in the same house for many years but I doubt she still has the number - the address I know she has because every other year or so she will send us a Christmas card (which I think is weird...and I never open them)

 

The only thing that I do find a little troubling is that we just have such a long, long history with each other - we have known each other for more than half our lives and maybe because we were so, so close for so many years, I still feel some kind of bond with her that I cannot really explain or even understand. I don't want her in my life and I certainly would never dream of being with her ever again...and I actually don't even really like her much even after all that has happened. But there is SOMETHING there...and that is what makes it so hard to just ignore her flat out. Does that make any kind of sense to anyone?? Is this normal?

 

That something there is called an attachment. Its a friendship bond.

 

I do have a question for you though, do you accept any of the responsibility you played in that relationship or do you put all the fault on her? Your friend?

 

You spoke of being emotionally immature in the past but its my personal opinion that you still are. You are unable to let go of how "YOU" were treated in the past. You still hold resentment towards here how many years later?

 

Btw, if it wasnt for her, you wouldnt have met the woman you are married to now. Just something to think about!

Edited February 23, 2012 by wilsonx

[aries326]

I have no problem accepting responsibility for things I do that are wrong - I never have. In my relationship with her however, I never once did anything to her that was anywhere near the caliber of what was done to me. The worst I might have done was not speak to her for a few days, or get angry at a her or act jealous etc and assume she was doing something she shouldn't be when I really didn't know the facts. I didn't trust her but that was only after I had pretty good reasons not to. In the beginning, I believed everything she said - took her at complete face value. But, in the course of the time we were together, she cheated on me more times than I could keep track of. Some of it was pretty flagrant and right in my face. At the time, I got angry of course but I always accepted her apologies even if I knew deep down that she clearly wasn't sorry or it wouldn't have continued to happen. Even as recently as 4 years ago, a "friend" who I had not spoken to in a long time confessed to me that he too had been fooling around with her while she and I were together...I had no idea about any of that.

 

I never once carried on with someone else - even though the opportunity presented itself many times. In the beginning of our relationship. we lived 1,000 miles from each other. Again, this was a different time where it was not as easy to interact with someone so far as it is now. I spent lots of nights waiting for a phone call from her than never came, or wasted lots of time and money purchasing plane tickets to come see her for a weekend, only to end up spending little actual one on one time with her because she wanted to also see her friends or whatever at that same time. Had I been the one who just showed up or even initiated the visit it would have been one thing, but I usually would come after she would tearfully ask me to because she wanted to see me so badly and wanted to spend alone time with me. There are tons of other examples I could give but there's really no point in going on and on.

 

Whenever these things happened and I would tell her I was upset or react to it, she would try to "fix" things over with sex and then give me the same line about how sorry she was and how much she needed me, blah blah and please don't leave, etc. She would become extremely clingy to me and fly into a jealous rage if I even spoke to another woman. That would never last more than a few days to a couple weeks, and she would be right back to her old self. There were times where I did break up with her over cheating incidents and she showed up at my door after driving those 1,000 miles, full of apologies and what not. Sad to say but I fell for it almost every time. (We did spend several months apart at one point and I started dating someone else - only to have her come back into the picture and ultimately break us up) Do I resent her for this stuff? I did, for a long time. But with growth and life moving on, I really don't now. I got over it. I didn't forget it because I cannot negate that it happened - but I forgave so to speak.

 

Before anyone points it out, I am well aware that I allowed all of this to happen - had I been strong enough at the time to walk away for good, I would have. I am also well aware that I allowed myself to be emotionally manipulated, and I allowed myself to be a doormat. I own that responsibility completely. Would I tolerate ANY of this if it were to happen now? Absolutely not - but then I was 19-20 years old at the time, & in a much different place emotionally. I wanted desperately for this relationship to work, and somehow I believed at that time that someday she would change. At the time I saw myself as a failure. It was only until much later in life that I learned that people only change when they want to, and clearly she didn't want to.

 

I am by far not a perfect person, but I did not deserve how I was treated, and I think I reserve the right to be even a little angry about that, no matter how long ago it was. As I said, I have moved on and have a good life - I don't sit around and dwell on it at all...I have better things to do. The only time it really comes to the surface is when she shows up in my life suddenly the way she does. And the chief reason it bothers me is I truly believe that she does not see or feel that the way she treated me was wrong.

 

And yes, I'm well aware that had it not been for her, I would not have met my wife. (Which by the way, she tried to also sabotage, albeit unsuccessfully) I have never not been thankful that at least one positive thing came out of this. That isn't really the point here, though...