happy_talk Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) So My girlfriend broke up with me Last Wednesday, been a rough week, I miss her tons, we'd being going out 15 months when it happened. I want to get back with her but I think I should wait a month or so before I do anything. let me give some backstory; She said the spark died out for her and she loved me but only as a friend etc. during the break up. I'm 21, she's 19. I was her first boyfriend ever, she'd only kissed guys before me. So I was her first in every regard. She has almost no friends either, I was pretty much her best friend so I'd guess she's lonely without me (I want to wait a month so that sinks in and she can feel what her life will be like without me.) Back in November we went to a 21st party of one of my friends, we left at about 1am and went back to hers. She got into bed and fell asleep pretty fast, I got into bed then and thought I'd spontaneous and a bit experimental. (we were always trying new stuff). So took off her bra and panties, went down on her and fingered her in her sleep, for AGES. I wanted to wake her up this way, so she'd wake up horny and want to have sex. She wouldn't wake up though, and I had been going for quite some time, so I went to push in with my penis and she woke up then and it told me to stop, so I did of course. She then noticed that she had no bra or knickers on and asked for them and put them back on. I felt a bit rejected and was embarassed by how it hadnt really worked the way I thought it would and that it hadn't led to anything so I rolled over to sleep but she could tell and kept asking me what was wrong and why I was mad at her and. I kept telling her I was fine but she wouldn't drop it so I got mad and left. The next day we didnt talk till I called her and she was really upset. I came over to hers, she was quite upset (crying and the likes) about the whole thing, she obviously had seen it in a creepy way, thought I was trying to sleep with her in her sleep or something, when in fact I have little interest in that, I wanted to sleep with her while she was awake! She was pretty upset so I changed details of what happened and lied and said that she had been kissing me and stuff while this was going on and obviously didn't remember (as we were both a bit drunk). Now I know lying was wrong and I shouldn't have, but I panicked and was on the spot, I knew I had ****ed up and she was seeing everything in a negative light even though that wasn't my intention at all. Things went back to normal for a while but by December it was obvious something was up with her, we had a fight, she said she was still upset by that night, I told her I had lied and came clean, we broke up for two days till I came to hers with flowers and a big apology letter (I also wrote out 100 awesome memories we had together) She agreed to give things a good chance, but from January to last Wednesday, everything was kinda on the rocks, she was uncomfortable with intimacy. Some days I could hug her, other days I couldn't etc. There was no sex or kissing. I tried to talk to her about how I was finding it hard and that she needed to move on and get over what was bothering her, and it led to her breaking up with me. We're cool as friends though, we get on really really well. We enjoy each others company, it's just her side of the intimate part of the relationship that's an issue. She still wants to be around me and hang out and ****. I told her that I couldn't be friends after as it would be difficult to move on, and how if she met someone else, it'd kinda crush me, and how I'd always been hopeful, flirting, chasing after her affection and attention. We haven't spoken since the break up last Wed. If the spark died for her, I'm sure it can be lit again. She was a big part of my life and apart from this, everything was okay. What should I do? How and when should I get in touch? How do I not come on too strong but still be clear? How do I avoid second rejection and the friend-zone? Edited February 22, 2012 by happy_talk
chados Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) how do you get her back?, well its kinda hard for anyone to say, first boyfriend almost never works out, especially at this young age... this wont crush you, this is a learningprocess and sometimes it hurts like hell. but you will come out stronger and you will find someone more suitable for you. . the best way to get someone back is to be happy. you shouldnt be ignorant and tell her that you dont miss her.. but you have to stay strong, dont act like you cant live your own life without her. ive been in your situation and i can tell you that i really wanted her back. but after a while i realized that i missed the feeling of not being alone, and i didnt miss the relationship as much. ive found a girl that i honestly never thought i would, im not saying she would be the best girl for everyone. but for me she really is. and i think you should be picky in life. rather feel the best you can then just good you know? the only regrets i have from my last relationship is the way i acted towards someone that didnt wanted me.. ive spent to much time hurting myself by talking to her. especially after the way she treated me for 2 weeks before the breakup. she was a coward and i have no regrets that it ended at this point. you cant change someones feelings. you just have to accept that its her choice. so act happy around her if you would see her. do not push her, do not bring up the past or anything, if she starts asking you, why arent you feeling sad?, do not start to tell her that you do. tell her that she's being selfish and tell her that she should feel happy that youre happy. you got nothing to explain to her, she dumped you. dont take this personal cause young people always thinks theres something better out there. Edited February 22, 2012 by chados
Philosoraptor Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 First let me say that you do not want to get the old relationship back, it failed. What you want is a new start as jumping into the same thing will likely end the same way. You need to take some time apart for yourself and give her time as well. Take this time to learn who you are and what you want out of this life. Not just what you want romantically, but what you want for yourself only. She is obviously doubting the relationship's chances and was doing so before the breakup. You're both young and need to explore yourselves before you can truly give yourself to another.
Author happy_talk Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 First let me say that you do not want to get the old relationship back, it failed. What you want is a new start as jumping into the same thing will likely end the same way. You need to take some time apart for yourself and give her time as well. Take this time to learn who you are and what you want out of this life. Not just what you want romantically, but what you want for yourself only. She is obviously doubting the relationship's chances and was doing so before the breakup. You're both young and need to explore yourselves before you can truly give yourself to another. I'm aware of and have accepted a lot of these things. I know it won't be getting the old relationship back, but starting a new one from scratch. Over the course of her being distant (seven weeks about) I had been thinking and thinking the whole time, and the conclusion I came to was that I want to be with her, it isn't something I'm read to move on from yet. If she wont try a second time or whatever, I'll be satisfied to move on then. I guess, what I'm asking in the thread here is how should I go about doing this? How long should I wait before contact? Should I have an excuse to contact her? Are there any obvious do's or dont's?
Philosoraptor Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I'm aware of and have accepted a lot of these things. I know it won't be getting the old relationship back, but starting a new one from scratch. Over the course of her being distant (seven weeks about) I had been thinking and thinking the whole time, and the conclusion I came to was that I want to be with her, it isn't something I'm read to move on from yet. If she wont try a second time or whatever, I'll be satisfied to move on then. I guess, what I'm asking in the thread here is how should I go about doing this? How long should I wait before contact? Should I have an excuse to contact her? Are there any obvious do's or dont's? What have you been doing to grow within yourself over these 7 weeks?
Author happy_talk Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 What have you been doing to grow within yourself over these 7 weeks? Getting really stuck into learning guitar, and programming like crazy to beef out my CV for work placement next year. Spending more time with my friends, making more of an effort.
Philosoraptor Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Keeping busy and trying new things is great, and a very important part of healing for most people... but in which ways have you grown emotionally? As none of what you said shows progress of how you will work through the issues that plagued the relationship in the past. How will you get past such similar issues in the future?
Author happy_talk Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 The issues that persist, are trust issues and her dealing with what happened. I kind of feel it's on her side. That said, I want to help her move on from it if I can. I need to think less with the guy in my pants and more in with my head, that's what got me where I am now.
Philosoraptor Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 The issues that persist, are trust issues and her dealing with what happened. I kind of feel it's on her side. That said, I want to help her move on from it if I can. I need to think less with the guy in my pants and more in with my head, that's what got me where I am now. And a path to deal with such trust issues needs to be laid before anything serious could ever happen between the two of you. But saying it is on her side is wrong. Was it not you who lied to her? You need to earn her trust back and have a solid plan to present to her of how you will do so. You also need to be able to accept that your action could scar her ability to be comfortable with you intimately for quite a long time. Are you willing to be in a relationship where there is no sexual intimacy for months or years while she learns to trust you? I'm not saying it will be that long, but it could be depending on how long it takes to regain her trust. You say you want it to sink in how life would be without you... and that is horribly manipulative. Do you want someone who only comes back for comfort? I personally hope she finds peace and happiness and only comes back by her own choice and due to her feelings alone. I'm all for people getting back together and I have faith in love. But you do not seem like you are in the right state of mind to have truly analyzed things from an outside and logical point of view. If you do approach her once you have matured and have done further self examination, you should include a sentence such as the following. "I understand that I broke your trust and truly hurt you deeply. My lying was inexcusable and I am willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust again. I can see that it is a very sensitive issue and I am willing to give you all of the time necessary to become comfortable with me and regain your trust in me. And I vow never to break that trust again." And mean it.
Author happy_talk Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 She had woken me up previously, from my sleep, with head and fondling. Does that make her a creep too or do you have double standards?
2sunny Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 YOU violated her trust! Once someone does THAT there's no going back. You essentially raped her - because she never gave permission. She was shocked that you crossed a boundary of trusting you. There's no way to return to what you THOUGHT you two had - since you crossed a line that should have never been crossed. Leave her alone... You're lucky she didn't call the police!
Philosoraptor Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 She had woken me up previously, from my sleep, with head and fondling. Does that make her a creep too or do you have double standards? I'd assume what bothered her most (in the end) was the fact that you lied to her about it. If you had mentioned that she did the same thing before and you assumed it was ok to reciprocate, she may have been more understanding. But this is something that you should have discussed with her beforehand and asked (after she did it would have been best) her if she would like something like this returned. Anyways, don't focus too much on whether people think you are a creep. You were in an obviously sexual relationship already and just trying to spice things up. If she did it before then it's understandable that you didn't think that there was a boundary there, but this all could have been avoided with proper communication beforehand. What is more important is your mental state, which I pointed out in my previous response.
Author happy_talk Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 I'd assume what bothered her most (in the end) was the fact that you lied to her about it. If you had mentioned that she did the same thing before and you assumed it was ok to reciprocate, she may have been more understanding. But this is something that you should have discussed with her beforehand and asked (after she did it would have been best) her if she would like something like this returned. Anyways, don't focus too much on whether people think you are a creep. You were in an obviously sexual relationship already and just trying to spice things up. If she did it before then it's understandable that you didn't think that there was a boundary there, but this all could have been avoided with proper communication beforehand. What is more important is your mental state, which I pointed out in my previous response. Thanks for the reply! Yeah, from talking to people, eveyone seems split completely down the middle, I'm either a creep, or they understand! I don't really care though, as you've said, what annoys me is that isn't the point of the thread, if I wanted peoples opinions on that issue I'd have asked. From talking, after I told her the truth. It actually wasn't the lying that had bothered her, she said she didn't really care as much about that, it was the actual event itself. As for my mindset, I'm pretty focused on university at the moment and doing well, I want someone in my life, I love the companionship that comes with a relationship. We were very close friends too and I miss that connection. Everything else in the relationship was actually fine, great in fact apart from this. As I stated, in future, I'd just be very focused on thinking with my brain rather than my penis, she obviously has boundary issues so I'd just have to be constantly aware of that. She's on Facebook and Skype every evening, I've an urge to talk to her all the time, but I've avoided it thusfar and I think we both need space and time. I think I may initiate contact in 2-3 weeks though.
chados Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 do not contact her. this is what to many people does, especially young people who doesnt respect the other persons wishes to break up, which you dont if you chase her. you will push her further away. she left you, accept and respect that. if she wants you back she definitely will contact you. if she loves you and dont contact you, its really her loss. i dont know if youve been through something like this before, but i can tell you that by contacting her and get mixed signals you could get really hurt. it would take much longer for you to get over it. she has lost attraction for you. else she wouldnt break up with you. to reattract someone you should never chase them. you should learn from the past and move on. like the abovepost said. if she doesnt trust you its really hard to get it back. the same thing goes with attraction.
Philosoraptor Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Do you understand why she was hurt by your actions? Can you empathize with her feelings and see where she is coming from?
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