Ranchero44 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 You know that part in "When Harry Met Sally" when Sally's best friend (played by Carrie Fischer) turns to her fiancee (Bruno Kirby) and says, "Tell me I'll never have to be out there again"? And he wraps his arms around her and says, "You'll never have to be out there again." I don't know how much more of dating I can take. The lies. The blow-offs. The "fade away". I've pretty much been dating for twenty years. You can't be "too nice." But, wait! You can't be "too much of a bitch", either. Apparently a lot of people think there are "rules" to dating, but you look on the Internet for articles and these "rules" contradict each other all over the place. What's apparent to me is that there is just a huge lack of civility, period. People, men AND women, just treat each other like crap. I get so sad when I browse threads on sites like this and see just how many lonely, yearning, hurting people there are. Don't we all just want to find somebody? No one wants to deal with a bunch of B.S. How can we treat each other better? Rejection is harsh any way you roll the dice, but are there kind, respectful ways of saying, "Thanks, but no thanks"? I think one of the kindest things anybody ever did on a first date with me was tell me at the end of the date that he was not interested. He was very gentle and truthful, and, to this day, I respect that guy. Unfortunately, that has not been the norm. That rejection stung a little at first, but it was A HUNDRED TIMES BETTER than those guys that just decide to ignore you all of a sudden, hoping you get the "hint" (it's more like a blow with a blunt instrument), whilst you wonder what the hell you did wrong and why you deserve to be treated this way. The self-esteem destroying effect of the ill-considered decision to just ignore a girl until she goes away is directly proportional to how far the relationship had progressed. Why can't people just use common sense here? I really think most men and women know in their gut when they need to MAN UP and directly tell the other party the truth. I started a thread here recently about wondering if I needed to say something to a guy I wasn't interested in. I ended up saying something, after all. I pointed out his good qualities and reiterated that I had enjoyed getting to know him, but that, unfortunately, I just wasn't feeling any chemistry. And guess what??? IT WASN'T THAT HARD, PEOPLE!!!!! We had a lovely email exchange and remain friends. I am baffled and disgusted with people who think blowing others off is acceptable. It breaks hearts and shakes confidence. Once again, man up--and that means women, too. Dating is horrible and confusing. If you can survive dating without some serious, mutilating blows to your sense of self-worth, I congratulate you. One bad experience? You can bounce back easily enough. Twenty bad experiences? It starts to affect your sense of dignity and worth. I keep believing there is someone out there for me, but some days are harder than others.
Titania22 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Well you could be like me and just ask them directly near the end of the date, if they are interested or not. I think most people will answer a direct question, especially if they don't think you are the type to explode if you don't like the answer. And if someone can't give a direct answer as to whether they are interested in seeing where it could lead to a relationship, forget them. Wishy washy people who can't be direct are most likely to make you suffer from not knowing where you stand.
Author Ranchero44 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 Well you could be like me and just ask them directly near the end of the date, if they are interested or not. I think most people will answer a direct question, especially if they don't think you are the type to explode if you don't like the answer. And if someone can't give a direct answer as to whether they are interested in seeing where it could lead to a relationship, forget them. Wishy washy people who can't be direct are most likely to make you suffer from not knowing where you stand. Yes, that's good advice. I am DEFINITELY the type who likes to know where I stand, even if it hurts a little at first.
Titania22 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I understand exactly how you feel. And I am just getting back into it now, but this time I am the one doing the approaching, and I am clear of purpose. I know that most men I approach won't be interested for one reason or another, but at least I am in control about who I approach. The guys on here always tell each other it's a numbers game. So I figure I should just keep approaching, but make the net wide enough so that I have guys to approach. At first I found rejection hard, but I am starting to get the most common reasons (for me, too old, or wanting different things (i.e. because i want a relationship and they want something casual)) or already involved, and so I can almost laugh it off when I hear one of those reasons. I am also not too timid to message someone I have realise is not interested and ask for their reason. I tend to just reassure them I can handle it, and just want to hone my dating skills, so that I may have more success in the future. All these things are just making it easier, because I am getting rid of the question marks and second guessing. I am actually starting to focus less on the fact I am single, and more on the positive effect i am having on the men even though they aren't interested. And so instead of being in a nightmare (how I felt about dating previously) I am having fun (and I laugh alot and generally make the men that cross my paths laugh or at least chuckle). Anyway goodluck, and maybe take a little break from it and reassess your strategy. I don't know if my new way will yield results, but I certainly feel happier.
Author Ranchero44 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 I understand exactly how you feel. And so instead of being in a nightmare (how I felt about dating previously) I am having fun (and I laugh alot and generally make the men that cross my paths laugh or at least chuckle). I actually thought about that after I posted this thread. I figure maybe I'm just taking the whole thing waaaaaaaaaaay too seriously! I still like to know where I stand, though--particularly if I really like someone. I try to do that for people who really like ME too. But, yes, a change in attitude can make all the difference!
Recommended Posts