binny Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 To cut a long story short, a guy at work has bascially been asking me for sex for the past year or so. At first I thought he was just joking with his comments ( he's engaged with kids) and just laughed it off.. Then I realised he was actually being serious and so started to ignore, avoid and give him short cold answers.. this then stopped for a while and i thought he finally got the hint.. Then today he sent me a message on facebook which basically said something along the lines of "when am i getting invited to your place? if not, want to go out to eat, my circumstances have changed so am free most evenings?!" WTF!!!!! He is in a open relationship where they are allowed to see other people so I honestly don't know what could have changed... How can I say no without actually saying no? I know this sounds stupid but I work with this guy and I don't want things to be awkward... Btw, he doesn't know about my lack of experience.. Is it ever a good idea to date someone you work with? I know people who have dated people they worked with and it never ended well...
InJest Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 You're a ****ing idiot. Say, NO. Make it super awkward so he doesn't want to talk to you. Yell out that you're going to take him to HR, if he keeps harassing you, so everyone can hear it. Make it AWKWARD!
Author binny Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Honestly, I don't want to make it awkward for several reasons. The main one being that I don't work with any females.. I don't want all the guys to hate me.. It is hard enough as it is without them making my life hell.. I have thought about saying I have a boyfriend.. but when I have said this in the past, some guys have replied with "so? he doesn't have to know ;)"
ShannonMI Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 To cut a long story short, a guy at work has bascially been asking me for sex for the past year or so. At first I thought he was just joking with his comments ( he's engaged with kids) and just laughed it off.. Then I realised he was actually being serious and so started to ignore, avoid and give him short cold answers.. this then stopped for a while and i thought he finally got the hint.. Then today he sent me a message on facebook which basically said something along the lines of "when am i getting invited to your place? if not, want to go out to eat, my circumstances have changed so am free most evenings?!" WTF!!!!! He is in a open relationship where they are allowed to see other people so I honestly don't know what could have changed... How can I say no without actually saying no? I know this sounds stupid but I work with this guy and I don't want things to be awkward... Btw, he doesn't know about my lack of experience.. Is it ever a good idea to date someone you work with? I know people who have dated people they worked with and it never ended well... What he's doing is sexually harassing you. If you feel uncomfortable with his behavior, report him to you boss or HR. It's never a good idea to date a co-worker. And do you really want to date this guy? He likes open relationships or maybe he's lying about that and is actually cheating on his SO. YUCK!!! I would avoid this guy like the plague.
InJest Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Binny, if you don't stand up for yourself, then you deserve every bit of it.
darkmoon Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 to the "he doesn't have to know" you say that you want to be faithful - ppl do make that choice to stay loyal - i would not be rude because most of the guys might stick together and see a bad streak and you have a job to do
ShannonMI Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Honestly, I don't want to make it awkward for several reasons. The main one being that I don't work with any females.. I don't want all the guys to hate me.. It is hard enough as it is without them making my life hell.. I have thought about saying I have a boyfriend.. but when I have said this in the past, some guys have replied with "so? he doesn't have to know ;)" Something tells me you like this guy's advances or it would be easy for you to just tell him to take a flying leap. Saying "No" or "I'm not interested in you" is not a difficult thing to do nor will it make things awkward.
stillafool Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 If you don't stand up for yourself he won't respect you. Do you realize that by not standing up for yourself and demanding respect you are telling him you like this kind of behavior? My goodness, how old are you?
ShatteredReality Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Binny, if you don't stand up for yourself, then you deserve every bit of it. No one deserves to be harassed. Her low self confidence will not be helped with comments like this. Binny, I actually understand. I have a very difficult time being what I perceive to be mean, when in fact it's what everyone else sees as standing up for yourself. You tell him that you're not interested. If it helps, say something to the effect of, "Look, I don't ***** where I eat, ok? I don't go out with ANY guys I work with" It's not going to be easy to push him away yet again, and you will likely have to do it another time or two unless you go to HR and file S/H on him. And then there's that too, after you've told him you don't date coworkers, if he comes at you again, report him.
neowulf Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Yeah, firstly I suspect you're going to accept that while you haven't asked for this.. it's going to be unpleasant. You've already given very strong "suggestions" you're not interested. I think it's time you make it bluntly clear that you want nothing to do with him. You have to actually say "NO" in solid, slap in the face terms. Yes, that may well make things hard at your job, but it appears he's not going to accept anything less. The next thing is to keep diary of all the approaches he makes. That'll come in handy for the next part. If he keeps at you, your only options will either to a) quit or b) report them to HR. So long as you have written evidence to support your claim of sexual harassment, you'll be fine. Good luck. It's a crappy position to be in.
Author binny Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 I would have thought that me not inviting him over would be a clear indication that I wasn't interested? I would have also thought that by not flirting and avoiding him would also be another clear indication? I've never been very good at standing up for myself.. I think its a lack of confidence thing... Is there a polite way of saying "i'm not interested in you"?
Author binny Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 No one deserves to be harassed. Her low self confidence will not be helped with comments like this. Binny, I actually understand. I have a very difficult time being what I perceive to be mean, when in fact it's what everyone else sees as standing up for yourself. You tell him that you're not interested. If it helps, say something to the effect of, "Look, I don't ***** where I eat, ok? I don't go out with ANY guys I work with" It's not going to be easy to push him away yet again, and you will likely have to do it another time or two unless you go to HR and file S/H on him. And then there's that too, after you've told him you don't date coworkers, if he comes at you again, report him. Aww, thank you for the support.. I was beginning to feel like I was a weird pathetic loser for not being able to say "no" Yeah, firstly I suspect you're going to accept that while you haven't asked for this.. it's going to be unpleasant. You've already given very strong "suggestions" you're not interested. I think it's time you make it bluntly clear that you want nothing to do with him. You have to actually say "NO" in solid, slap in the face terms. Yes, that may well make things hard at your job, but it appears he's not going to accept anything less. The next thing is to keep diary of all the approaches he makes. That'll come in handy for the next part. If he keeps at you, your only options will either to a) quit or b) report them to HR. So long as you have written evidence to support your claim of sexual harassment, you'll be fine. Good luck. It's a crappy position to be in. If all this is happening outside of work, like over facebook (thankfully he doesn't have my number!) can I report him to HR if the problem persisted after I had said "no"?
ShannonMI Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I would have thought that me not inviting him over would be a clear indication that I wasn't interested? I would have also thought that by not flirting and avoiding him would also be another clear indication? I've never been very good at standing up for myself.. I think its a lack of confidence thing... Is there a polite way of saying "i'm not interested in you"? Yeah..."I'm really not interested." Simple and to the point. You aren't insulting him. It's not like you're saying (even though you should) "Hell no I'm not dating you because you're a f-ing creeper!!" If you really can't bring yourself to tell him you aren't interested, say you have a boyfriend or you don't date co-workers. It's NOT that difficult.
gaius Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I would have thought that me not inviting him over would be a clear indication that I wasn't interested? I would have also thought that by not flirting and avoiding him would also be another clear indication? I've never been very good at standing up for myself.. I think its a lack of confidence thing... Is there a polite way of saying "i'm not interested in you"? Guys can be dense, especially with girls who are just plain nice people. The best you can do is tell him you have a boyfriend, and if he still pushes it further tell him your boyfriend wouldn't like how he's talking and it's making you uncomfortable. If even after that he persists, you might have to risk the drama bringing it to HR or a supervisor will bring.
gaius Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Yeah..."I'm really not interested." Simple and to the point. You aren't insulting him. It's not like you're saying (even though you should) "Hell no I'm not dating you because you're a f-ing creeper!!" If you really can't bring yourself to tell him you aren't interested, say you have a boyfriend or you don't date co-workers. It's NOT that difficult. Anytime you tell a guy you're not interested in him it's offensive.
ShatteredReality Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Aww, thank you for the support.. I was beginning to feel like I was a weird pathetic loser for not being able to say "no" I know how you feel - you're not weird at all. The problem is that people who have self confidence don't fully understand those who don't - sort of like how a person without clinical depression can't truly understand what a person who does have it goes through, or a person without ADD can't understand why a person with ADD can't just concentrate for five minutes... In the end, getting him off your back will help. You can try the more crass one I borrowed from a friend and shared with you before...or you can tell him you don't date men in relationships - open or not. If he says they broke up, tell him he's got too much baggage. You don't date guys with kids...or you aren't comfortable with him in that fashion. Or tell him you're interested in someone else right now and want to concentrate on that. If all this is happening outside of work, like over facebook (thankfully he doesn't have my number!) can I report him to HR if the problem persisted after I had said "no"? Doesn't matter if it's at work or out of work - sexual harassment is sexual harassment. The moment you ask him to stop you can go to HR with anything further he does. Documentation is great if you fear a case - and you should document everything he does as well as save all messages he sends to you.
Author binny Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 Anytime you tell a guy you're not interested in him it's offensive. That's what I thought!
ShannonMI Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Anytime you tell a guy you're not interested in him it's offensive. Well the way this guy has gone about pursuing her, she really shouldn't care about offending him. HE is the one who is offensive. If he was a nice guy and had just asked her out on a date or whatever, then saying she's not interested might not be the best thing to say. This particular guy sounds like a perv who is just looking to f*ck. He deserves to be told off in my opinion, but if OP doesn't have the guts to do that then telling him "I'm not interested" really shouldn't be the hardest thing to say. That's being NICE to someone who doesn't even deserve it.
InJest Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Binny, I've been on many dates where the girl will explicitly say, "I'm not having sex with you tonight." Guess what happens almost every time...yeah. Tell him that he's ugly. Be mean. The other guys on your team will think it's funny. At this point, I really don't give a **** what you do. I hope he harasses you everyday from now, until you quit. I can't wait until he starts groping you.
Author binny Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 I know how you feel - you're not weird at all. The problem is that people who have self confidence don't fully understand those who don't - sort of like how a person without clinical depression can't truly understand what a person who does have it goes through, or a person without ADD can't understand why a person with ADD can't just concentrate for five minutes... In the end, getting him off your back will help. You can try the more crass one I borrowed from a friend and shared with you before...or you can tell him you don't date men in relationships - open or not. If he says they broke up, tell him he's got too much baggage. You don't date guys with kids...or you aren't comfortable with him in that fashion. Or tell him you're interested in someone else right now and want to concentrate on that. Doesn't matter if it's at work or out of work - sexual harassment is sexual harassment. The moment you ask him to stop you can go to HR with anything further he does. Documentation is great if you fear a case - and you should document everything he does as well as save all messages he sends to you. tbh He doesn't do anything at work anymore.. Mainly because I avoid him completely and if I need to communicate with him then I make sure others are always around.. I think I might try what you and others have suggested.. thank you! I really appreciate all the suggestions and advice. Might leave it a day or 2 before I reply though so I can word my reply carefully to try not to offend..
Kamille Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Honestly, I don't want to make it awkward for several reasons. The main one being that I don't work with any females.. I don't want all the guys to hate me.. It is hard enough as it is without them making my life hell.. I have thought about saying I have a boyfriend.. but when I have said this in the past, some guys have replied with "so? he doesn't have to know ;)" I would have thought that me not inviting him over would be a clear indication that I wasn't interested? I would have also thought that by not flirting and avoiding him would also be another clear indication? I've never been very good at standing up for myself.. I think its a lack of confidence thing... Is there a polite way of saying "i'm not interested in you"? Anytime you tell a guy you're not interested in him it's offensive. I'm with Shannon MI on this. In my experience, guys are much better at handling direct rejection than women are. He might be "offended"(honestly doubt it). More likely, he'll be bummed at the rejection. But so what? Big whoop. He's an adult. It'll bug him for a day or two and then he will move on. It's not like it's going to offend or shatter his ego to the point where he won't be able to function anymore. (Or am I the only human being who's ever been rejected and survived to tell the tale?) Learn to say "no, I'm not interested". You have a right to establish your boundaries properly. And until you do, he has no reason not to keep pursuing you.
O'Malley Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) I don't think he's unsure about how you feel; he just chooses to negate your responses to him. And yes, he's being offensive. You have to be clear and consistent -- if he ever hits on you again or brings up any other non work related BS, you're going to be submitting all of your copies of his communications to HR and his fiance. Don't be surprised if she is unaware of this supposedly open relationship. Never respond to any of his contacts again, but document them just in case. Make sure to remove him from your facebook as well. Edited February 22, 2012 by O'Malley
Titania22 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Why do you have him in Facebook? Perhaps you should un-friend and block him.
only_quotes_jerks Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 at this point, i really don't give a **** what you do. I hope he harasses you everyday from now, until you quit. I can't wait until he starts groping you.
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