KS11 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 How do you get to that stage where you're no longer lying awake a night thinking about them? Or just hoping that text might be from them? Its been 4 weeks nc and its not getting any easier, im constantly resisting the urge to text her, even though its obvious she doesnt want to speak. I can't change my mindset to think that she isn't the one im supposed to be with. She's hurt me so much yet still i miss her and i don't know how im going to change. What do you do?! I got a text the other day saying that she wants to talk. But i know shes just going to hurt me even more. Yet still in some ridiculous mental attitude im actually excited just excited that i get to see her again. How messed up is that. I can't stop clinging on to some point in the future that we could be together, theres always some excuse that i think once thats gone maybe she will realise, e.g once shes finished her course etc etc. I just want to go back to how i was, before i didnt feel so worthless and the tears were never always this close to the surface.
lovelylashes Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 im sorry to hear your going through such a hard time. I too am going through a similar situation and i finally feeling like im turning a corner. In order to stop myself thinking of my ex I decided to find myself a hobby, so i joined an exercise class, it takes my mind off him an stops me checking my phone, I am also spending more time meeting up with friends. Obviously you will still think of her but it does get easier. Hope things work out for you.
Philosoraptor Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 What have you done for yourself? How have you helped yourself move on and become stronger within yourself? If seeing her will bring you pain then don't go. Why subject yourself to unnecessary pain?
Author KS11 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 I appreciate your replies. I think thats the problem. I don't know how i can help myself. I've been getting back in the gym in some vague attempt to cling to something stable. I feel like im in such a rut at the moment, im still studying and have been for 4 years now, and im sick of it. I have no interest in what im doing. Thats part of the reason im finding it so hard, it used to be bearable when i could come home and talk to her about it, that alone made me think i could make it till the end. But now, its just another aspect that i can't escape from...not to mention the fact that im failing this year now. I got given a number for a therapist the other day and have been debating whether to make an appointment. Im not really sure if it will help, its not going to make the thoughts go away? As far as going to see her again, I want to hear her justify her actions, I want to hear her tell me that she regrets saying what she did. In some warped way, i want to hear her admit she lied to herself and to me. Its totally stupid i know. And of course, theres still that nagging bit of hope that seeing me again might make her remember what we had/have.
radiodarcy Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) it took a total of 8 months before i reached indifference. it wasn't easy though. there were plenty of times when i was so depressed i didn't even want to get out of bed. i let myself go appearance wise - - didn't comb my hair, skipped showers, ran errands in clothes i literally spent the night in. there were also times when i found myself seething in anger to the point that i literally screamed so loud i could barely speak the next day. through it all though i maintained strict NC. i think once i allowed myself to experience the range of emotions i was feeling in their entirety i was able to truly move forward. but it really does take time. there's no way to measure how long it will take for you to get to that point but i will say that while 4 weeks of NC is good - - it's pretty much a drop in the bucket. you're still in the early stages of the break up. so you're emotions are going to be raw for quite some time - - particularly if she's continuing to make contact with you. if you know it's not going to lead to anything i would suggest you either ignore her , change your number or tell her once -- and only once that you do not wish to have any further contact with her because it's too painful for you and that if she continues to make attempts to contact you, you will not acknowledge them. and stick to it. Edited February 22, 2012 by radiodarcy
esteem-jam Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I got a text the other day saying that she wants to talk. Realise that "the talk" will not be about how she loves you and wants your babies... like suddenly. Is this likely to happen (?), judge yourself, be skeptical and be ready it wont happen. You have to higher your defence wall. 4 weeks is nothing, take 52 weeks, you will have minor change of mind, not huge, but minor advance is a blessing in this =) About the therapist thing- go check him/her out, who knows, maybe you connect. You may have some stigma/prehudice about them, but if you find the right one, I believe it would help.
CopingGal Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) it took a total of 8 months before i reached indifference. it wasn't easy though. there were plenty of times when i was so depressed i didn't even want to get out of bed. i let myself go appearance wise - - didn't comb my hair, skipped showers, ran errands in clothes i literally spent the night in. there were also times when i found myself seething in anger to the point that i literally screamed so loud i could barely speak the next day. through it all though i maintained strict NC. i think once i allowed myself to experience the range of emotions i was feeling in their entirety i was able to truly move forward. but it really does take time. there's no way to measure how long it will take for you to get to that point but i will say that while 4 weeks of NC is good - - it's pretty much a drop in the bucket. you're still in the early stages of the break up. so you're emotions are going to be raw for quite some time - - particularly if she's continuing to make contact with you. if you know it's not going to lead to anything i would suggest you either ignore her , change your number or tell her once -- and only once that you do not wish to have any further contact with her because it's too painful for you and that if she continues to make attempts to contact you, you will not acknowledge them. and stick to it. I think I could have reached indifference in 8 months if I had stayed away from him. I did not. I only did after I found out he cheated on me and did other things to me behind my back. That was months after our break up. But it's now been over 50 days straight. It's still hard, but I feel as though I am on my way to indifference. We broke up over 7 months ago. I went NC about 80 days ago but kept breaking it to tell him to leave me alone when he contacted me. He stopped contacting me about 50 days ago, thank goodness. Edited February 23, 2012 by CopingGal
ScienceGal Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Staying away is CRUCIAL! I am also at 8 months and I still miss him sometimes. I drempt about him last night in fact. But, it's so different now, it's almost as if I only knew him in dreams. He has faded in my mind. I am at the point where I miss the connection and the love, not so much him specifically. It's why I drempt of him, he's the last person that made me feel wonderful. We all want that "good" feeling, and it's a shame that we have to go through all the heartache and pain to get there again. But don't worry, you will get there. I promise. I know you're hoping there is a shortcut, but there isn't. Keep up with the gym, somedays that's the only thing that keeps me sane. It's great for your mind and body. And let me repeat: maintaining no contact is crucial! You will slow your healing if you don't. Stay strong! 1
Numb79 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I agree with ScienceGal.... STAY AWAY!! Think of yourself as a drug addict or any other type of addict.... you want your fix!! and when you get it... you usually feel really bad because you tried so hard to break your addiction. Don't do it!! Everytime I think of breaking NC, I just think about ScienceGals quote she has at the bottom. It makes perfect sense.........
dicky_fish Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 At 4 weeks I'd brace myself if I were you, it's going to be a very bumpy ride over the next few months. I was telling my shrink last week how concerned I was that I was still obsessing over my ex even though it was coming up to 9 months since the split and she gave me something to think about with that; saying that the gestation period for a baby is 9 months followed by the birth, and maybe I should start to look at the potential re-birth of me. After pondered on that for a while I started to feel loads better, and have been all week. It's the oldest cliche in the book, and I know you'll hate me saying it as it's not much practical use to you but all it takes is time. You're going to be in a daze for a while as you start to slowly adjust to things. The best piece of advice I can give you is to ride it out and feel (and to some extent embrace) every emotion that comes. Let it ooze out of you until your head and heart have processed it. If it gets too bad then seek professional help. It's a long road ahead but you will come out of this! I'm just about coming back to what I'd deem as normal, still not 100% but around 75-80% Keep posting here though cause it will help.
lovelylashes Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 i agree with dicky fish. keep posting on this site an whenever you feel awful an tempted to contact just pour all your emotions out here. you will always get some great advice, sometimes harsh but true advice. trust me two weeks ago i was feeling how you were but although i still get days where i think of him i use this site to express how i feel, then i just go about my day. If your tempted to contact her use the thread in the coping section, its called 'post here instead of contacting your ex'.
Mr Scorpio Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 How do you do it? The usual remedies: staying busy with school, work, exercise, hobbies, exercise, music, friends, exercise. Reading other peoples stories on this site to help gain perspective. Of course, in the end these are all just variations on the theme of passing time. Four weeks is not nearly enough time for most people to recover from something as traumatic as a breakup. However, if you strive hard and stay focused, you can make it productive time.
Author KS11 Posted February 26, 2012 Author Posted February 26, 2012 Thank you for the advice. I duno, i feel bad for posting on here sometimes because i know everyone must be thinking that my situation isn't half as bad as some peoples', and that i should just grow up and handle it. but i do really appreciate that you guys are listening. So i've been trying really hard these past few days to just forget about her. And im some respects i can almost feel it working. But theres this weird feeling, and it may be just me, but its like I can notice myself not thinking about her and that feeling makes me even me sad. Its like im sub-consciously starting to realise its over and shes moving on. I think thats where the big problem lies, because I havent heard a concrete reason as to why things havent/ didn't work out, i cant shake the notion that we've missed out on the opportunity for something great, and that kills me. Thats part of the reason im kind of just waiting to speak to in person in a few days, i just want to hear her reasons, even though i know its ridiculous, if she cared she would have been in contact more. I don't know how to accept that she can so easily throw away the memories we had and the potential we had. It goes against everything she told me. And i truly believed she was sincere when she said everything. I know everyone has said i should maintain NC and i have in terms of phone calls etc, but do you think its worth this one last meet? I know truthfully in the back of my mind if there was any feeling there, she would have been in touch more right. But i just can't let this go that easily, i want to fight for this so bad, like ive been doing for almost a year now. I can't even look at anyone else. I do this stupid thing where every person i see, i immediately compare, like how their hair is, or their eyes, or what they're wearing, and compare it to her. And these women, who are of course beautiful in their own way, don't even register with me. Which is so stupid i know. Theres so much about this girl that i just dont think i'll ever be able to replace and its killing me. Im trying so hard to be positive, but i just cant anymore. Shes everything to me.
Author KS11 Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 I know i just posted the other day, but i really feel like im in a downward spiral. I know i said i would wait till i see her to speak to her. But now my thoughts are whats the point. The last time we spoke she apologised for not being in touch as much, but since then we've gone back to no talking, i dont want to phone her as its obvious that she doesnt want to speak. I've been trying to just wait until i see her next to get everything out in the open. But right now im so close to just sending her a message saying something like, youve made your wishes pretty clear etc. Is that stupid? I just know shes doing fine and has realised that actually, im not 'the last person she wants to lose'...My only reluctance, aside from the finality or it all, is that I dont want to end this 'relationship' on the basis on some angry message. Although she doesn't feel the same, i think its worth more than that. Ahh i duno, i could really use some help. But im sure thats obvious!
jus d'orange Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 i should just grow up and handle it To a certain extent yes... I mean, you need to keep perspective. Breakups suck, but they aren't the worst thing that can befall a person. Nevertheless, don't neglect the pain you feel; it's real and it's meaningful. Take the time to grieve this and don't bury it out of a feeling that it's not serious enough, but also don't let it swallow your whole life. You've got a lot else going on, I'm sure! I don't know how to accept that she can so easily throw away the memories we had and the potential we had. It goes against everything she told me. And i truly believed she was sincere when she said everything. I think everyone feels this way. How often did my ex talk to me about children, about marriage, about apartment hunting? So many times. In the end, her old doubts of commitment and being single came back. What she said was true at the time and she meant it. She really did feel like that about you, but things changed. It's not worth beating yourself up over, but you can realize that there could be someone like that in your life again who would truly fulfill those promises. How much better would that be?! I know everyone has said i should maintain NC and i have in terms of phone calls etc, but do you think its worth this one last meet? No; it's best if you just start moving forward with life. The relationship ended for a reason, and if she decides sometime that she wants you back, she'll need to do it on her own. Nothing you say right now can change that. I've been trying to just wait until i see her next to get everything out in the open. But right now im so close to just sending her a message saying something like, youve made your wishes pretty clear etc. Is that stupid? I just know shes doing fine and has realised that actually, im not 'the last person she wants to lose'...My only reluctance, aside from the finality or it all, is that I dont want to end this 'relationship' on the basis on some angry message. If you're worried about sending a message you'll regret, just send nothing. Saying and doing nothing will not only give you your fastest route to healing and returning to a fulfilling life, it will also send the strongest, most loving, and maturest message to someone who has willingly cut you out of their life.
BewitchedandBothered Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 At 4weeks, you are still very fragile and vulnerable. Talking to her will do you no good, but stroke her ego, and you will be starting all over again your healing process. It's unfair that these exes do this to us. It's been about a year since seeing/talking to my ex/abuser. But about 7 months ago, he sent me 2 texts saying hello, etc. i did not respond. I was pretty much disgusted. What? you dump me in a horrid way and you now want to check in? Seriously? No thank you. I joined a gym and enjoying all the new friends I'm making. I do crafts and enjoy life. There are days where it hits me hard and I get angry over what happened---angry that he is with someone new and flaunting it for all to see when he wanted to keep me a secret. You have come this far 4 weeks is good---better than 4 days;) Every day is one day closer to peace. You will get there. Do not contact. It's not worth it. 1
Author KS11 Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 Hi Jus d'orange: I really am grateful for your reply. You know how sometimes you can just be told something but it never really sinks in. I think for the first time this has actually made so much sense. Im going to try and stay strong with NC, despite how much i want to talk to her, like you say if she decides to get in touch, thats something she has to do on her own. As much as it kills me. I would really like to find out her reasons for what changed, even just so i might help to move on, but i guess i cant. One thing that does concern me though, because of how it was left when we last spoke, i know she will be in touch asking to meet. Im not really sure what i should do. Be blunt and just say no?? I really hope you're right about there being another person who could fulfill those promises, im must admit, i can't see it happening, i dont think im likely to share as much in common with anyone else and thats pretty scary. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Hi Jus d'orange: I really am grateful for your reply. You know how sometimes you can just be told something but it never really sinks in. I think for the first time this has actually made so much sense. Im going to try and stay strong with NC, despite how much i want to talk to her, like you say if she decides to get in touch, thats something she has to do on her own. As much as it kills me. I would really like to find out her reasons for what changed, even just so i might help to move on, but i guess i cant. One thing that does concern me though, because of how it was left when we last spoke, i know she will be in touch asking to meet. Im not really sure what i should do. Be blunt and just say no?? I really hope you're right about there being another person who could fulfill those promises, im must admit, i can't see it happening, i dont think im likely to share as much in common with anyone else and thats pretty scary. If someone wants to leave your life, let them go. She will contact you to see if you are taken; hoping you are still swooning over her. I wouldn't answer the text/call at all. Period. What would be the point? If you met with her what will that accomplish? You won't get the answers/closure you want; it will only stifle your healing. Don't let people toy with your emotions. You WILL find someone worthy, but only when you are 100000000% over this one. I was used to help some guy get over his ex wife--he called me by her name 6 times, but denied he had feelings for her. Then he would play a love song,say it was our song, come to find that it was his and his ex wife's song. He also took me to places they used to go. Your newbie doesn't need that. Go forth and ignore this ex. If I am dumped, I stay dumped. I always want answers, but never get the ones I want, so it leaves me no choice than to get myself together and move on. You can do this. No one is worth all this suffering. Is she suffering over you?? Think about it.
Author KS11 Posted February 28, 2012 Author Posted February 28, 2012 Hi Betwiched: I keep trying to remind myself of that phrase..'if someone is willing..' I know youre exactly right, and slowly i think im becoming more and more understanding that i have to let her go. It sounds stupid i know, but the only reason i don't want to just ignore her when she calls is that i don't want her to think i dont care, if that makes sense. I know that is totally backward as it should be her who is trying to prove that. But i just feel that what we had was so special and for me to just ignore her would be heartbreaking, even though i guess it is what i should do.
Recommended Posts