Numb79 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 My gf and I recently broke up a little over 3 weeks ago. As a matter of fact this Sunday will be four weeks. We were together for 5 yrs in a long distance relationship (me in the states and her in Canada) We were also friends for 7 yrs before we got together. I guess my question..... she is the one that stated she wanted no contact..... she said it would be easier for both of us..... What does that mean? She also apologized to me for trying to change me during the past 5 yrs. She said many things that have somewhat left me confused. There were some parts where it seemed as if she was trying to convince herself. She said things like.... we'll both get over it, just like how we both got over our previous ex's. She says that the only thing I will miss is just routine of the relationship..... I have never had someone break up with me like this before. I have been NC with her since then.... I did cave once just to send her a quick txt which stated "I don't want you to think that I have not contacted you because I don't love you or haven't thought about you. I am just trying to respect your wishes. If you truly want to be left alone then I will not contact you any further" I never received a response.... I just don't understand how she can just walk away from a 7yr friendship and a 5 yr relationship and pretend like it never happened. That is the hardest thing that I am dealing with right now. I just can't get over the fact that we will never hear, see, or know anything about each other. We had one of those interesting friendships where we would just talk on occassion but we knew we had something. We would always pick up where we left off no matter how long we haven't spoken together...... I just don't know what to make of any of this..... Can someone please help shed some insight?
cincinnatikid Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Hey man. I know how you feel (literally). It's a very difficult thing to even comprehend. It drives you nuts, makes you feel awful, things don't feel the same to you .. etc. I was off and on with a woman who made things feel so special to me. It's taken me time to realize that I squandered some of that. Granted, it takes two to a relationship so I do not blame myself for EVERYTHING. Perhaps you should take some time - and I do mean time - to really look at things objectively. Be sure you can take your ego out of the equation before you do. Afterwards, use that the knowledge as a understanding and then .. try to let it go. I realize this is easier said than done because I am trying to be a practitioner of my own advice as well, which is not easy. But, it's something that has to be done. Why? Well two reasons: 1. She left YOU. You did not leave HER. If someone is willing to walk away from you, then the best thing you can do is let them walk. Why? Well first the obvious. If someone is willing to walk from you than they don't deserve to be with you at this time. Everyone has special and unique gifts and you owe it yourself to find out what they are and, most importantly, be someone who appreciates those without having to look around for what grass may be greener elsewhere. 2. She knows who you are, where you are, etc. If she wants to get in touch with you, then let her. No sense in beating a dead horse. When the time is right (if ever) and she is willing to talk to you on even terms and revisit things, than let her do that. Either way, if you are absolutely compelled to believe that she is the exact person for you than you still need to give it time, ALOT of time. Not 4 weeks, not 4 months. Give it a year at least. If you are still feeling the same way after that you're either right in your assumption she is the right woman for you or you just haven't taken the time to find the right one. I wish you the best. 1
Author Numb79 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 There is actually alot more to this...... We have been together for 5 yrs and through the whole 5 yrs she has been very supportive and has always came to the states to visit me. I have not made one single trip to Canada to visit her. I have a problem getting my passport due to some things that happened when I was younger. During that time frame both her parents passed and I was unable to be there for her physically. I guess what makes this worse is that I know it was my fault. If I only tried a little harder to get my passport or find some other way to be there. Her mother recently passed in July and now she is all alone. I don't know if I am making excuses for her but it must be pretty rough to be 31 and lose both parents. She said that she has to do whats best for herself now...... and for some odd reason I agree with that. I even remember telling her when we were together that I loved her so much that I just wanted her to be happy even if it meant being without me....... We had plans for the future.... used to talk about it..... Not only did she leave.... but she also took my hopes and dreams with her. To make the situation worse..... I broke my foot last Saturday and now I am just stuck at home. I can't even get out to get my mind off things..... I feel so lost and my mind just keeps on wandering. For some reason the mornings are much more difficult than the night times..... I have no problem falling asleep.... I have trouble staying asleep. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night every night since this occured. I can't even seem to tell my story right..... It seems like all my thoughts are jumbled together. Perhaps if people start asking questions then I might be able to shed some more insight on the situation.... I just would like to know how to make it through this rough time.... I know they say that time heals all wounds..... but isn't there a way to speed up the process??
jus d'orange Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Hi Numb, I understand where you're coming from. My break-up happened just over 3 weeks ago. My ex and I were together for close to 4 years, and before that we had been the best of friends. Our whole time together was long-distance (the relationship started as college came for us), except for the visits we made as frequently as we could. Because I no longer have my best friend to speak to, it's been very strange and uncomfortable dealing with the sadness and pain resulting from the breakup. At first, I just wanted to talk to her about it, because that's who I'd always talked to about my issues. No contact is hard for that very reason; you're used to speaking to this person all the time-- they're a source of comfort and security and support. I know how it feels to lose the dreams and sense of direction a significant other carries with them. I've been getting accustomed to the fact that I don't know who I'm going to be living with when I graduate anymore. Getting used to the uncertainty and seeing it all as an opportunity. I think what CincinnatiKid said is absolutely true. You have to just let her go, for a myriad of reasons. You know this though, which is why you're keeping the NC. You can't convince her to come back; the most loving thing you can do is to support her decision and move on with your life. If she truly loved/loves you, she'll want you to move on and be happy. Let that be further motivation for you. The constant onslaught of thoughts and emotions and what-ifs is really something that can't be solved easily. To be able to sleep better, I had to start giving my mind a logical way forward in life. Even then, I dream about her almost every night, and often we're back together in the dream, or I'm trying to convince her to come back. You can't really make your mind do anything, but you can decide to start being positive. Tell yourself that you're going to be fine, and start making your life fine. I'm very sorry that you broke your foot... this makes it a bit more difficult. However, now is the time to break from routine and change yourself for the better. Decide who you want to be and make it happen. When you've given yourself enough time to be objective, ask yourself what the end of the relationship taught you about yourself? How can you look at the past only as a point of learning and not as a source of pain and self-pity? If you keep busy with a host of new activities, such as working out (sorry again about the foot, but I'm sure there are things you can do even with such an injury!), taking up a new hobby, volunteering, etc. you will find it much harder to let this traumatic event take over your life. Consider this as well-- if you handle the breakup in the most respectful manner possible and move on to become a stronger person, think of how that will be a source of satisfaction and self-confidence moving forward. Think, too, how a stronger, healthier, and improved version of yourself will impress your ex months and years down the road, or indeed someone else who you meet who could become the new "one." I know this is tough man. I'm in a very similar boat to you. Remember that you're living for the future, not for the past, and keep on going. 1
jus d'orange Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Really like this advice..If only we could all handle breakups like this Indeed... if time travel were possible, I'd first go back and try to save the relationship. But, if that didn't work, I'd go back 4 weeks and coach myself on how to handle the whole thing. Or at least point myself in the direction of the advice I've seen since then. Silly... sad, but definitely funny too.
leoc1973 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 to be honest the only way I was ever able to move on is to think of my ex as being dead. I don't know if that is healthy or not but I could not stop obsessing over waiting for her to call or want to meet me for coffee. What I could say to her while we met what kind of physical shape I could get myself in to make myself irresistable to her and all her feelings would come back. I obsessed and waited and never left my cell then one day it occurred to me that my (ex's name) is dead. Why? because my ex loved me so much that she could have never done this to me. Hence, she is gone.
KS11 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 jus d'orange: great post. I have so much admiration for your strength. I wish i could do the same but im struggling so much. I too, have touble at night, as most do. Infact any time thats spent on my own i immediately return to thinking about how. You mention 'giving your mind a logical way forward'...how or what exactly did you do? Leoc1973: I feel exactly the same. I keep telling myself that the girl i know now, is not the girl i feel in love with when i first met her, and in that respect she is dead. It provides some small relief, but its still never to long before im back thinking about how amazing she was or is. I've read so many threads on here, of relationships that have lasted years, and its scared me so much. Considering ive only known this girl for about 18 months, and have never 'been with her'...the experience has crushed me. and i couldnt even begin to imagine how i would cope with breaking up after a few years. I don't ever what to let someone hurt me that much again.
Author Numb79 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 I appreciate everyone's response to this matter. I think the thing I struggle with the most is knowing that it was my fault. I should have taken my passport thing more seriously..... that way I could have been there when her parents passed. I too wish I had a time machine...... I envy some of the people on this site and how they are able to cope.... It seems like everyone is so strong on this site..... I try to read other posts and think about replying but I am in no mental state to offer any advice. I just don't understand how someone can just walk away from over a decade of knowing one another.... Am I just weak or is she really that strong?
jus d'orange Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 You mention 'giving your mind a logical way forward'...how or what exactly did you do? The thing I found instantly difficult about the breakup was that the present was unbearable because all I could think about was a past that I couldn't change. I even looked at old messages and photos; it gave me temporary relief, because seeing her old, loving messages made me think the breakup wasn't real or was temporary because, in the past, this never would have happened. Obviously, that doesn't make any sense. After a few unbearable days of torturing myself with tantalizing ideas of trying to convince her to go back in time and find her love and commitment again, I realized that tomorrow can only be tomorrow, never yesterday. So, I started to integrate into my mind a positive attitude, a hope for a happier future, a focus on appreciation of all the great things I do have in my life, and a sense of control over my own life. I try to live that strength every day. I saw a great quote as I was leaving the gym the other day that coincidentally summed up my thoughts on the matter. I can't remember the quote exactly (damn!) but it was something along the lines of: Try, try, try until you become. In other words, wake up every day and try to be a new, stronger person who is moving on. Convince yourself constantly, through all of the great advice on this forum, of the logical reasons to keep doing as you're doing. If, every day, you go through the day with strength, dignity, and purpose, you will eventually become that person out of habit. Knowing that truth allowed me to sleep properly again, or at least better. Am I just weak or is she really that strong? You don't know what she's feeling. She could be doing worse than you are. Chances are that she began to experience the pain of breaking up in a more gradual way than you are, a long time before the relationship actually ended. I think the same thing happened in my relationship; while I recommitted to the relationship after some rough patches and near breakups, investing myself further to make it better in the belief that we were turning the corner, she was removing herself emotionally from it all. It actually made the break-up so much worse, because I thought it was on to newer, happier times. It's not even a conscious decision on the dumper's part necessarily, just what happens. Don't worry about comparing yourself to your ex; just focus on yourself. Prove to yourself your strength. Make that mental decision that it's what you want... that you want that sense of self-determination and dignity again. Then, commit your actions to that decision. You won't always do the right thing to keep on the path, but the more you buckle down and do what you know is right, the faster you will heal. Time heals, but only if you're walking down the path. Otherwise, time is just passing, and you're still sitting there. to be honest the only way I was ever able to move on is to think of my ex as being dead. I don't know if that is healthy or not but I could not stop obsessing over waiting for her to call or want to meet me for coffee. What I could say to her while we met what kind of physical shape I could get myself in to make myself irresistable to her and all her feelings would come back. I obsessed and waited and never left my cell then one day it occurred to me that my (ex's name) is dead. Why? because my ex loved me so much that she could have never done this to me. Hence, she is gone. I don't know if it's "healthy" either, but I understand the sentiment. It's occurred to me that going NC at the end of a LDR is akin to the other person dying with your knowledge. They told you that they were going, then they are gone. I know for a fact that, each moment I have lived since the breakup, she has also lived her life. But the disconnection makes it feel as if she's gone altogether. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, so long as you don't actually wish they had died (which you're obviously not thinking).
leoc1973 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 KS11 what I did/do is I took my favorite picture of her which is kind of an older picture about 6 years ago and look at it I smile with adoration of the woman who was the love of my life and how she used to adore me like I was the only man on earth. Back then you could have put her drunk on a bed naked with the hottest guys in the world and I know she would have not done anything. But this "new girl" is not her. So I guess in a sense my ex really is dead. Numb my recomendation to you is to go get your passport. Pay what you have to and get it as fast as you can. Don't tell her you are going to just do it. Show her what she means to you. And as far as questions. Does she have a new boyfriend? Did she break up with you because she thinks you just don't care enough?
Author Numb79 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 To be honest, I don't know if she has a new boyfriend. That is something I would really rather not know. The passport is more than just paying the money..... it has alot more to do with certain things I did when I was a youth. Like I said earlier we broke up a little over 3 weeks ago. She was actually in the states to visit me back in late Nov to early Dec and then late Dec to early Jan. She actually apologized for coming to visit while she was breaking up with me..... She said she should have not come. I really don't understand what that means. She also apologized for being unfair to me.... saying that it was unfair for her to try and change me and that we are just too different. She comes from a very loving family. She is the only child.... her birth mother passed when she was 12... her father passed when she was in her late 20's and just last July her second mother passed as well. I suppose, that I wasn't able to give her the attention that she expected. I come from a broken home and have been living on my own since I was 18. I know this is might be a cop out... but I really don't know how to show people I care. What really bothered me the most was that she put all the blame on me during the break up. As if I never did anything..... I passed up an advancement oppurtunity because I would have to move to another state. I thought of her because she actually has an aunt that lives in the same city I do.... and since both her parents passed, it would be nice for her to have some family rather than in a state where we both didn't have anyone. Maybe this relationship was meant to fail from the start..... I mean there were times where I felt that I was out of my league. I was just a guy with a GED who worked his way up from a broken home..... and she was college graduate with two degrees from a loving family. She told me that she deserved better than this when she was breaking up with me..... She said that she should have seen this earlier but was blinded by love.....I even told her that I am willing to spend my whole life making up for the times I wasn't there for her. I know this may sound strange.... but I told her that it wasn't fair for her to break up with me without giving me another chance because I also broke up with her at one point and gave her another chance. I understand that she is not obligated to give me a chance... it was just her response that kind of through me off. She says, "Life isn't fair.... if it was fair then I wouldn't have lost my entire family at the age of 31" Since her parents have passed she has had alot more responsibilities. She basically inherited everything including the family business..... Perhaps she is just stressed out?? She did also say that she has spent her whole life trying to make people happy and now she needs to do whats best for her.... I think the death of her parents played a huge role in our relationship. I don't know.... maybe I am just making up excuses for her.
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