kentuckysgirl Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I am the BS that just recently found out about my husband's A. I am not here to judge you OW. I just thought it exceptionally bizarre that my husband's mistress cried and cried about her husband leaving her for another woman after he had an affair and then she decided that sleeping with my husband was fine? okay? justified??? He has had NC with her for over 7 months (I follow him and am connected to all VM and texts ) What do you think would cause a person to do the same thing to another woman that crushed and ruined her own world??? There is so much more to this than what I am writing but tis is what bothers me most... Thank you
whichwayisup Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Why is your focus on her? All that does is keep you in a certain frame of mind. She isn't important now, what's important is how you and your husband are working things out. Is he remorseful, doing all that he can to make things good again? Are you two in counselling? Anyway, maybe the BS turned OW wasn't thinking at all, maybe it was revenge, or maybe she just let her heart and emotions take over common sense, ignoring the red flags.
Author kentuckysgirl Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Thank you for your reply. I am focused on my husband AND his mistress. Due to the fact that she has met our mutual friends and told them the story of her own spouses betrayal. I guess because Inam shocked because the pain I have at my own husband's infidelity is something I could NEVER impart on another woman. I am aloso concerned that my husband would take "advantage " of someone in such a terrible state of mind.
DonVee Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Sorry to hear what you are dealing with it's pretty hard to believe that a woman that was once betrayed and hurt by the actions of her husbands infidelities would participate in such matters herself but it happens... My ex husband cheated on me with the neighbor who claimed to be "So in love" but witnessed our happiness (what I thought was happiness) and for months I tried to understand that. Do not go down that path of trying to figure out why it will only cause destruction on yourself I did it so trust me I know, I tried to reconcile my marriage and I know my ex husband tried his best to prove to me that he could change but I was to busy worried about "HER"... Let her go and focus on YOU and HIM! The past is enough to deal with
freestyle Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Sadly, this is more common than you might think, based on what I've read, & what I've witnessed IRL. You would think a woman who'd been through that kind of pain would never be a party to helping inflict that same pain onto another woman---but I don't believe that logic is always at work in the aftermath of trauma. So, I'm guessing, that in your sitch, the OW was not thinking at all, just reacting. I am by no means justifying or condoning, or excusing her actions. She may have been casting about to rebuild her self-esteem after it took a hard hit.Still doesn't make it right.......... I do understand your need to to try to wrap your brain around the "whys' in the OW's motivations. I think it's part of the process. 1
MissBee Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Sadly, this is more common than you might think, based on what I've read, & what I've witnessed IRL. You would think a woman who'd been through that kind of pain would never be a party to helping inflict that same pain onto another woman---but I don't believe that logic is always at work in the aftermath of trauma. So, I'm guessing, that in your sitch, the OW was not thinking at all, just reacting. I am by no means justifying or condoning, or excusing her actions. She may have been casting about to rebuild her self-esteem after it took a hard hit.Still doesn't make it right.......... I do understand your need to to try to wrap your brain around the "whys' in the OW's motivations. I think it's part of the process. I agree with this. Humans are notoriously good at justifying why they do something and making their actions somehow different than if someone else were to do it or if it were to be done to them. I cannot say what her motives were, but a large possibility was, as freestyle said, she wanted to rebuild her self-esteem, therefore was reacting and did this versus seriously contemplating it. She either realized it was wrong but didn't care, so long as she felt it would help her feel better OR she was in deep justification, where the story she told herself about why she did it, made sense to her and didn't seem as bad or bad at all. 1
frozensprouts Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 just to make sure if have this right.... this woman was a betrayed spouse, and ended up becoming the other woman to your husband? sounds like sure was hurting inside and, unfortunately, your husband became her "band aid"...may have provided a temporary fix but no real long term solution to her sadness
Spark1111 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Hey same here! And it was something I could not wrap my head around for the longest time. Often the motivation is empowerment in assuming the role that destroyed them emotionally, they now have the power of being the OW in someone else's tradgedy.....yours! Not fair, not right, but coupled with crashing into the toilet self-esteem it doesn't take too much apparently. And unfortunately, this was an unspoken competition to best you! Should you ever speak to her, you will probably hear a million justifications or blame directed at your H for his lying or ANYTHING other than ownership of her choice to do to you EXACTLY what was done to her. Go figure.... In my sitch, she still carried so much venom for her xH who married his last AP, that my fWS told her she must still care for him. And she was still fighting her X on so many levels, I think her A with my H was still somewhat about revenge.....to show her X she could get a good family man who was very successful to leave his wife for her. A crazy way of saying ....there, I won! But at your expense. Call her up. Be real. Watch her crumple like crazy, if she is anything like the fOW in my sitch. Still boggles my mind. 2
bentnotbroken Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I was in your situation too. I don't get it.
Prime Vera Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Some people have no empathy, including BSs. Becoming a BS does not confer sainthood or special compassion . If a BW turns OW, it just means she already wasn't a very EP(empathetic person) before her equally unempathetic husband cheated on her. I guess I could feel some empathy for this type if they would leave our spouses alone....
Spark1111 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Honestly, if you could turn around and inflict that same pain on someone else: A) you truly did not love your xspouse, you just did not want anyone else to have them, because that meant you lost! (high school cafeteria anyone?)or B) you have absolutely no empathy or are a horribly selfish, self-centered person. Because if you lack emotional memory as to what the pain of betrayal felt like, you did not examine it, understand it, or own your own contribution to the demise of your marriage. So, you just blamed HIM because it was a lot easier, You did not learn anything about relationships. In other words, it was all your xspouse's fault, therefore you never had to learn or grow or truly heal from your pain. You never introspected. There is NO WAY you could have done that to another person is you had done all of the above....and truly matured to a compassionate and kind human being. You are doomed to repeat your mistakes, over and over and over again. Happy life......not!
TinaniT Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) I am the BS that just recently found out about my husband's A. I am not here to judge you OW. I just thought it exceptionally bizarre that my husband's mistress cried and cried about her husband leaving her for another woman after he had an affair and then she decided that sleeping with my husband was fine? okay? justified??? He has had NC with her for over 7 months (I follow him and am connected to all VM and texts ) What do you think would cause a person to do the same thing to another woman that crushed and ruined her own world??? There is so much more to this than what I am writing but tis is what bothers me most... Thank you Feeling broken. People can act in crazy ways they wouldn't on stronger footing. If this is the case, she probably has now or will have soon a lot of remorse and regret. Feeling rejected. Some disgusting little part of her (we all have those little disgusting parts of ourselves that have popped out) pulling this new situation into this perverse contest since she felt out of control in her own situation. Not consciously, but underlying the behaviors. This could be more dangerous if she doesn't truly reflect on why she did what she did and make sure she changes before moving forward. In her conscious mind, she has taken everything your husband has told her to build a framework for why it is so different based on the different kind of wife she was, or whatever. Feeling disorientated and jaded - this is how the world is; this is who survives and what must be done. In the end, what she did she WILL have to deal with on her own. I wouldn't obsess over it too much. It will never make sense if you want a good justification, because there is none, but those are some of what might have been going on. I hope a happy reconciliation and peace and trust going forward for your husband and you, and that you can make peace without this and move happily on as time passes. Edited February 22, 2012 by TinaniT 3
Afishwithabike Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Don't mean to be rude but what is OW? *points to the top of this forum* It stands for Other Woman. OM = Other Man. BS is the Betrayed Spouse.
SoMovinOn Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Human psychology is so amazingly complex, there is no easy answer to your question. Look at in at an extreme - people who are sexually abused as kids, often grow up and sexually abuse kids. Same question, but for something so much more damaging, so much more awful. Having been through that experience, how could they do that to someone else? Right? The good news is, if you spend a lifetime on research and study, you still won't know. His OW could have the attitude of "It happened to me so I don't care if it happens to someone else" ... kind of a sharing of her pain - maybe she'll hurt less if other people hurt as much. ... or she could have totally disassociated what happened to her with what she was doing. Maybe she gave it no thought at all, saw no connection at all. ... or, maybe she thought, knowing what happened to her, she knew enough to help make sure you'd never find out, so, you'd never be hurt by it. ... or maybe ... a million other things. 1
robf1971 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Some people have no empathy, including BSs. Becoming a BS does not confer sainthood or special compassion . If a BW turns OW, it just means she already wasn't a very EP(empathetic person) before her equally unempathetic husband cheated on her. I guess I could feel some empathy for this type if they would leave our spouses alone.... Alternatively she could also be as dumb as dog p**
beenburned Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 The people I have personally known that did this were out for revenge! Both toward their former cheating spouse and his former OW. But deep inside they have never dealt with the pain that being a BS brought. (especially if the WS left them for the OW) I wish the people that wear multiple hats would shed some light on this subject.
Radagast Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 What do you think would cause a person to do the same thing to another woman that crushed and ruined her own world??? There is so much more to this than what I am writing but tis is what bothers me most... Thank you People change. Their views change. My exwife had an affair which devastated her first husband. She said he was bourgeois to expect monogamy and that he should seek liberation and enlightenment. She changed her mind about that when it happened to her.
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