Shell shocked, reeling and trying to put the bits back together of my life...

[GKM]

I thought ours was one of the greatest love stories ever told. I hadn’t been looking for love, I was on a safari in India. I met a man, and fell in love and he moved to England to be with me.

 

We had fun an adventures and he convinced me that England was miserable (the weather did suck) and I should move to Florida to be with him instead.

 

The only way to do this was on a marriage visa, so we went through the whole expensive and drawn out immigration hassle and I after months of waiting apart from him, I flew to the USA and we had a quick civil ceremony. It wasn’t a ‘real’ ceremony as he hadn’t actually proposed, and we both considered ourselves as still dating. Over the years he did refer to me as his wife though, and I him as my husband.

 

I wanted that proposal though, but he said he felt too young. I said that was ok, so long as it happened some time before I was 30 (we were young when we met- 20 and 21). I thought we were mature enough to prove the clichés about young love untrue. I thought we would be similar to high school sweethearts. He was my first true love.

 

Recently though he had told me how he thought the institution of marriage was just a useless religious thing. When I first met him he believed in God…over the years, as he changed jobs from construction to becoming a paramedic (me, by his side through the whole school process, living on a smaller income and working hard myself) he changed his views. He doesn’t believe there is anything beside molecules, not even a soul. He argued with me about it, and made me cry when he was telling me I was ‘brainwashed as a child’ when I told him no matter what evidence he tried to present, I would still believe we have souls. I don’t care if people have a different opinion to me, I just like my opinion to be respected!

 

Anyway, we had our ups and downs but I thought there were more ups! And I loved him and tried my best to show him. His brother in Germany offered to buy us both tickets to visit. We were so excited! He came to Ross with me to buy a suitcase, and we were counting down the days to the trip.

 

A week before the trip we went to the furniture store- after years sleeping on a futon I felt safe enough and that this place was home enough (I’ve travelled all around the world) to buy a bed! It was pretty symbolic for me. I spent $500. He convinced me that we should get new couches too, our current ones were hand me downs from friends and getting worn. He didn’t have enough room on his credit card (he has huge debt- I have savings) so I put the couches on mine. $1200 in total on my card…

 

I had NO idea it was coming

 

I spent $70 for Valentines day, I was going to surprise him! We don’t usually make a HUGE deal about V day (last year I cooked him all his favorite things) because our anniversary is in March.

 

I got back from work on Friday night- the weekend before we were to leave. Excited, ready to pack. I walked in the door. He was looking serious, on the phone. I thought ‘oh no, I hope his family is ok!” He got off the phone and said “I just canceled your ticket. Im breaking up with you’ My world crashed down around me. I begged him to reconsider, not to do this, not to ruin an exciting week! I offered to change entirely, to pay for counseling to be the sweetest wife in the world and never ever nag him about his mess. But he wouldn’t budge. He had already packed up his things, put a password on our joint bank account. I had NO idea this was coming! We had a tense week, he had worked 90 hours for the first time. But I thought a vacation was just what we needed to reconnect and distress……

 

He dissed me a lot, all my character traits- too girly, too incompatible. Which is funny, because I can shoot a gun, have fast car etc…Im not a total girly girl!

 

He left, the week was a blur. I couldn’t eat, I felt nauseous and cried for days. I still cry when I talk about it. Friends came to the rescue, and family skpe me daily from Australia. I booked my first therapy class ever.

 

I’m still trying to figure out my next move. Taking one day at a time. I am busy with work and school- I got my exams delayed until the 27th but still haven’t been able to study. Im auditioning for a new house mate. I’ve got to decide which dog of ours to keep.

 

I wrote him a nice love letter about how much him and the five years mean to me, hoping to change his heart. He wrote back that he had “Just got back from Italia” (twist the knife deeper, jerk…) and was very callous and ‘I don’t love you anymore” etc.

 

He does have issues. Dad issues in particular, a controlling and emotionally abusive dad. I encouraged him to get counseling but he never wanted to try. I got books on communication that he never read. I think he didn’t even see how he took the stress of medic school and turned that to drugs/alcohol/tobacco- which I had an issue with. When he broke up with me he actually said “I smoked just to cope with you!’ Such a jerk…

 

At first I was crushed, but I have such a big support network telling me Im actually lovely, beautiful and sweet so I will believe them over him. I was filled with that self doubt though, and still find it hard to believe it wasn’t all me sometimes. He makes it sound like it was when he talks to me. “I tried for five years but you are just so..” is his favorite sentence.

 

I don’t know if I should stay here in the USA or go back to Australia. He was the whole reason Im here- but its hard now- it feels like home here, but my family is in another country. My friends are here though, my job and school is here.

 

Im not making an snap decisions until at least a few months have passed though. Got to heal. How to heal? Do you date? How to get past the betrayal of someone who a week ago was telling you how much they loved you and now seems to loathe you? Any survival tips are welcome. Taking it one day at a time. Thanks for letting me vent.

[GKM]

I really want to write back to his callous reply to my love letter with a bunch of reasons I'm better off without him and how I dont want him back...I just dont want him to go into life saying 'My last ex BEGGED for me back' as he told me when breaking up with ME.

 

Is it ok to do that?!

[jus d'orange]

I really want to write back to his callous reply to my love letter with a bunch of reasons I'm better off without him and how I dont want him back...I just dont want him to go into life saying 'My last ex BEGGED for me back' as he told me when breaking up with ME.

 

Is it ok to do that?!

 

The strongest sign of independence on your part is to simply not respond at all. More importantly, you will feel stronger from this. The way this guy left you is utterly disrespectful and says a lot about his character. It's like he's trying to convince himself that you're not a great person.

 

The most important thing you can do right now is to completely remove this guy from your life. Don't contact him, don't respond to any contact, delete him from any social networks, delete his number... If he wanted to revert this breakup, he would have already done so. It's now in the books and if he tries to get in touch, even with the most poetic promises of love and commitment, you need to see them for the cheap thing they are.

 

Instead, take this time to work on your self-esteem and inner strength. A great part of that comes from the ability to take control of your emotions. It's perfectly fine to be sad, to cry, and to feel lousy. However, if he's gone from your life and you focus on everything else you've got going on (which you seem to be doing), spend time/get in touch with friends and family (which you also seem to be doing), you'll get on the speediest road there is to recovery. It takes time, but this way you'll be continuously going down that road to healing and moving on. If you write that letter and send it to him, and he replies callously as before, what will that make you feel? Then you're only taking your time and your emotional energy to further support his bitterness. He doesn't deserve one iota of your concerted effort.

 

If you feel you must write something to him, do this instead: draft a letter to him, as if he were going to read it; however, don't send it at all. This gives you the cathartic benefit of getting your thoughts and emotions down on paper without getting in touch with him. It allows you to affirm your strength to yourself; there is no need to show your strength and independence to him through words. Rather, demonstrate to yourself and to him through your actions -- don't contact him at all, and move on to greater things.

 

Best of luck. You're in a very tough situation, being away from home and all. However, you seem like you're already taking great steps in the right direction.

[GKM]

Thanks for your advice!! I really appreciate it and you have a lot of wisdom

 

My sister told me to wait until after it was all over and we had divided our stuff (still to come- when he gets back from his vacation on Friday!) so that he wouldnt become vindictive. My mother told me to send it to him, that I need to vent- but I think she just wants to chop his b*lls of LOL..

 

I will take your advice. I've written the letter. I've saved it to drafts. I will add to it if I need to. I will wait until May to see if I think I should send it. Hopefully the urge to send it subsides by then!!

[CaliBabe]

GKM,

 

I first want to start by saying I am so sorry for your pain. This time during a breakup can by the most painful both mentally and physically. I was there and I do understand your pain.

 

Now at this point you have two options. One, let this break up consume you and get the best of you. Or two, take the pain, the emotion, build up that emotional strength and show that man who is boss!

 

I think true character is shown in times like these. My best advice for you, and again, this is only advice is to stay no contact. I am telling you, YOUR SILENCE SAYS THE MOST. There is nothing you can do or say that will make him wake up and realize what a mistake he has made. You have to realize that and end the communication. If he is to ever realize it, it will be on his own terms and most likely without you contacting. If you continue to contact, by calls, text, letters, anything... You are smothering him, he will not miss you if you are always available and will continue to take you for granted. Mind you, no contact is not for that reason, it is to help you heal, but that can sometimes be a result of it.

 

Please be strong and show him that he cannot break you. Consider your options here in America. It's a great place and very diverse. There is lots of opportunity. If you feel you are better off at home, then by all means be with the ones that you love. I am praying for you and hope you can heal the right way with your dignity in tact, after all, we have nothing left but our dignity.

[GKM]

GKM,

 

I first want to start by saying I am so sorry for your pain. This time during a breakup can by the most painful both mentally and physically. I was there and I do understand your pain.

 

Now at this point you have two options. One, let this break up consume you and get the best of you. Or two, take the pain, the emotion, build up that emotional strength and show that man who is boss!

 

I think true character is shown in times like these. My best advice for you, and again, this is only advice is to stay no contact. I am telling you, YOUR SILENCE SAYS THE MOST. There is nothing you can do or say that will make him wake up and realize what a mistake he has made. You have to realize that and end the communication. If he is to ever realize it, it will be on his own terms and most likely without you contacting. If you continue to contact, by calls, text, letters, anything... You are smothering him, he will not miss you if you are always available and will continue to take you for granted. Mind you, no contact is not for that reason, it is to help you heal, but that can sometimes be a result of it.

 

Please be strong and show him that he cannot break you. Consider your options here in America. It's a great place and very diverse. There is lots of opportunity. If you feel you are better off at home, then by all means be with the ones that you love. I am praying for you and hope you can heal the right way with your dignity in tact, after all, we have nothing left but our dignity.

 

You are right, if I hadn't written to him in the first place he couldnt have been so callous- but then again I dont give up on most things in life so I wanted to see if I could save the situation! My family has been encouraging me to move on entirely, and Im inclined to take their advice, even though some of my friends say 'Oh, maybe he will change, dont give up hope'. The thing is - he has changed. For the worse. And my trust is broken.

 

How would you advise getting through the times I do need to contact him? I need to be there when he divides our stuff up, to make sure its fair and he doesnt take any of my stuff. I also need to contact him for paperwork - he has agreed to stay married to me until April when I can file for citizenship (it would take 2 more years if not married to a US citizen)

How should I act/dress/behave???

[jus d'orange]

How would you advise getting through the times I do need to contact him? I need to be there when he divides our stuff up, to make sure its fair and he doesnt take any of my stuff. I also need to contact him for paperwork - he has agreed to stay married to me until April when I can file for citizenship (it would take 2 more years if not married to a US citizen)

How should I act/dress/behave???

 

This is a tough one...

 

Disclaimer: I don't have any experience with a situation like this, but I would advise, of course, to be as cordial and professional about the whole thing as possible. Take these things to be matters of "business;" be very polite, smile, etc. However, this man is not your friend, at least not for now.

 

Something that comes to mind is the fact that, by depending on his continued marriage until April for citizenship, he unfortunately holds a position of power in your life. I'm not sure what the legal ramifications are of a marriage that is continued purely for the sake of citizenship, but I'm certainly not judging that. However, you need to be careful that he doesn't hold this as a card over your head and use it to manipulate you. If there is any sort of sense of "if you do/don't do X, then I won't help you with the citizenship" then you are probably better off waiting the 2 extra years. That situation is abusive and could be out of control quickly.

[GKM]

Its so hard, talking over it with friends it still doesnt make senes

 

I dont think there is another person, but I want to ask him. Should I?? I want answers :'(

 

Im still so ****ed up from this....all I can do is sit here thinking about it even though I have exams to study for.

 

I still dont get how someone who loved me so much can be such a callous jerk. Maybe I didnt see him for the guy he really was in the end, I dont know. Or maybe everything he said is wrong about me is true and I made a good man give up

[GKM]

P.S - this is the letter I want to send him in retort to his letter he wrote me (which was a really callous and cold response to the love letter I wrote him when he walked away)

 

Should I send it, or wait until we divide our things? Or just never send it??

------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Reading your letter and thinking back on the past year or so, I’ve come to realize you are not the man I fell in love with anymore.

 

I wrote that letter about my love for you, while thinking back to the man I first met and then man who I stood by and supported all these years. But now I realize, I do NOT respect you or trust you anymore. My admiration for you is lost.

 

The man I fell in love with would not have taken money out of my account without telling me to buy weed, and then screamed at me about it when I confronted him…and then bought me a present in shame- I don’t need presents, I need a respectful partner

 

The man I loved would not have kept trying to force feed me his theory on why souls don’t exist and would have let me agree to disagree instead of making me cry and miss my math class. You are getting pretty radical and whacko about this by the way..

 

The man I loved would have talked to me before canceling a free trip to Germany with me, because he respected me…The worst thing anyone has ever done to me. I hope Karma bites you in the ass for this some time, all of my friends and family are quite hopeful that this happens so even if there is no Karma hopefully our collective wishes come true J

 

Oh, and thanks for the little jibe about “Italia” just turn the knife deeper….

 

 

The man I loved would have not have tried to blame his weed addiction on me

 

The man I loved would not have been so weak as to do what you have. You are selfish, and not strong enough to be by my side.

 

 

The man I loved would not have discounted all my support and love and care over five years to ‘you never’….when I did.

 

I don’t remember YOU making me dinner very much after work etc- talk about support in the day to day grind! You were SO spoilt by your doting mother/sister I hope you find a lady who fills that need in you- and guess what- you are going to have to support her financially because no working woman can meet those great expectations of yours and stay sane

 

You don’t have any of his strengths or moral convictions I thought you did. I thought you could handle the stress of your job. Instead of creative outlets for your stress you have turned to drugs/alcohol/cigarettes/chewing tobacco and anger. I’ve done some research, and paramedics have a high divorce rate. And as one writer said, its because ‘if they do not learn to channel their stress well they end up hating everything.’ That sounds familiar!! I hope you learn to channel your stress into something creative and good for you.

 

You say you didn’t feel it- every day I showed you my love with hugs, kisses, calls and texts and as much energy as I could summon for massages/cooking etc. Honestly, with you out of my life I WONDER where I had the time for a relationship. Only by neglecting my friends did I manage to have any time for you. Obviously you didn’t appreciate it so that was a waste! I looked past your close together eyes and horrible style and fell in love with the soul beneath. Yet you never loved my soul, just my exterior. From your comments about my personality, I don’t think you really do know the real me.

 

I don’t need to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate me and criticizes EVERYTHING about me being a girl, being a woman and being me. You don’t even realize how lucky you were to have a girl who liked guns, fast cars and wasn’t scared to tackle a lot of adventures in life. You diss me for enjoying my beauty- guess what, I have a limited life and beauty is even more limited so I’m going to enjoy it and have fun with it.

 

I will not miss your constant filth and mess. I already feel so much less stress not having to deal with it!

 

Being free of you has made me realize how much you stressed me with your constant ranting and raving and negative energy. Your constant demands for my time- you are horrible at entertaining yourself!

 

I realize I need a man who inspires me, motivates me to be a better version of me rather than dragging me down. Think about it- who got YOU into nutrition and health? Me…you haven’t ever contributed anything positive to my version of ME and in fact were more of a hindrance on my personal journey than a help, as you have very little sense control especially when on drugs. Meeting some martial artists this weekend showed me what a real man does with mental and physical control- you lack that. You also don’t know how to control your money, I need a man who knows how to save. I need a man who puts as much into a relationship as I do- it was always me with the fun ideas and plans- every vacation you ever went on was my idea, the dogs were my idea- pretty much all the fun we had was my idea!

 

You underestimate me. I’m strong enough to live without you, strong enough and I quit crying long enough, so now I’m strong enough to know- You Have Got to Go!

 

Enjoy your life. I know you don’t see it now, but I will bet $100 that of the course of your life you will be filled with bitter regret as you realize the treasure you held in your hands that you didn’t see, and lost. You will scoff at this right now, I know, but that’s because you are a young boy, and once you are grown and have been kicked around a bit by life you will see…you will see. Just in the same way that when you were younger you couldn’t appreciate Europe and now you want to go back- it will be the same.

 

Considering how completely I trusted in you, I deserved a better breakup. More communication. Do you remember our pact to tell eachother if we wanted to be with someone else BEFORE cheating? Well…you didn’t tell me BEFORE you canceled my ticket. You just did it. That’s cheating. I hope someone lets the next poor misguided female who falls for you know about this. So that she knows to never fully trust you. You could do this again…it could be five years, or ten years…but when the going gets tough, Ty gets going. Because he isn’t strong enough. You do not have what it takes to have a long term and happy relationship.

 

I am happier without you. Just going out with friends and meeting people brings me happiness. There are real MEN out there, who are not immature boys. They have their **** together and aren’t unwilling to deal with their baggage. There are sexy and classy vets, doctors and firefighter paramedics out there who aren’t in huge debt and are motivated and ambitious and fun…I cant wait to meet one of them and have you be a distant memory. Its quite an exciting idea.

 

You can’t rob me of my happiness. Sure, its going to take me a while to trust a man ever again, after what you did. But I’m still fabulous, and in the best shape of my life and ready to go on adventures with a new love. You may have robbed me of a trip to Germany, but I don’t like the cold anyway. My family has offered to pay for a ticket to AUSTRALIA..for a holiday with sun, sand, kangaroos and the Gold Coast! Sounds awesome. I may even pop over to NZ for some adventures while Im there. SO much better than visiting the land where Nazis come from and a tiny stupid village in Germany with a house full of screaming kids.

 

For now- I will remain civil, I hope you do the same. I don’t want any vindictive behavior please. You are free to clean your room etc. as you want to and when I am not home, I would rather not see. Unfortunately, I do need to see you when you come to take stuff that is shared. I want to make sure it’s a fair division of stuff.

 

 

Goodbye

[CaliBabe]

GKM,

Stop with the letters. They will not be effective. Stop all contact.

[sweetheart5381]

P.S - this is the letter I want to send him in retort to his letter he wrote me (which was a really callous and cold response to the love letter I wrote him when he walked away)

 

Should I send it, or wait until we divide our things? Or just never send it??

------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Reading your letter and thinking back on the past year or so, I’ve come to realize you are not the man I fell in love with anymore.

 

I wrote that letter about my love for you, while thinking back to the man I first met and then man who I stood by and supported all these years. But now I realize, I do NOT respect you or trust you anymore. My admiration for you is lost.

 

The man I fell in love with would not have taken money out of my account without telling me to buy weed, and then screamed at me about it when I confronted him…and then bought me a present in shame- I don’t need presents, I need a respectful partner

 

The man I loved would not have kept trying to force feed me his theory on why souls don’t exist and would have let me agree to disagree instead of making me cry and miss my math class. You are getting pretty radical and whacko about this by the way..

 

The man I loved would have talked to me before canceling a free trip to Germany with me, because he respected me…The worst thing anyone has ever done to me. I hope Karma bites you in the ass for this some time, all of my friends and family are quite hopeful that this happens so even if there is no Karma hopefully our collective wishes come true J

 

Oh, and thanks for the little jibe about “Italia” just turn the knife deeper….

 

 

The man I loved would have not have tried to blame his weed addiction on me

 

The man I loved would not have been so weak as to do what you have. You are selfish, and not strong enough to be by my side.

 

 

The man I loved would not have discounted all my support and love and care over five years to ‘you never’….when I did.

 

I don’t remember YOU making me dinner very much after work etc- talk about support in the day to day grind! You were SO spoilt by your doting mother/sister I hope you find a lady who fills that need in you- and guess what- you are going to have to support her financially because no working woman can meet those great expectations of yours and stay sane

 

You don’t have any of his strengths or moral convictions I thought you did. I thought you could handle the stress of your job. Instead of creative outlets for your stress you have turned to drugs/alcohol/cigarettes/chewing tobacco and anger. I’ve done some research, and paramedics have a high divorce rate. And as one writer said, its because ‘if they do not learn to channel their stress well they end up hating everything.’ That sounds familiar!! I hope you learn to channel your stress into something creative and good for you.

 

You say you didn’t feel it- every day I showed you my love with hugs, kisses, calls and texts and as much energy as I could summon for massages/cooking etc. Honestly, with you out of my life I WONDER where I had the time for a relationship. Only by neglecting my friends did I manage to have any time for you. Obviously you didn’t appreciate it so that was a waste! I looked past your close together eyes and horrible style and fell in love with the soul beneath. Yet you never loved my soul, just my exterior. From your comments about my personality, I don’t think you really do know the real me.

 

I don’t need to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate me and criticizes EVERYTHING about me being a girl, being a woman and being me. You don’t even realize how lucky you were to have a girl who liked guns, fast cars and wasn’t scared to tackle a lot of adventures in life. You diss me for enjoying my beauty- guess what, I have a limited life and beauty is even more limited so I’m going to enjoy it and have fun with it.

 

I will not miss your constant filth and mess. I already feel so much less stress not having to deal with it!

 

Being free of you has made me realize how much you stressed me with your constant ranting and raving and negative energy. Your constant demands for my time- you are horrible at entertaining yourself!

 

I realize I need a man who inspires me, motivates me to be a better version of me rather than dragging me down. Think about it- who got YOU into nutrition and health? Me…you haven’t ever contributed anything positive to my version of ME and in fact were more of a hindrance on my personal journey than a help, as you have very little sense control especially when on drugs. Meeting some martial artists this weekend showed me what a real man does with mental and physical control- you lack that. You also don’t know how to control your money, I need a man who knows how to save. I need a man who puts as much into a relationship as I do- it was always me with the fun ideas and plans- every vacation you ever went on was my idea, the dogs were my idea- pretty much all the fun we had was my idea!

 

You underestimate me. I’m strong enough to live without you, strong enough and I quit crying long enough, so now I’m strong enough to know- You Have Got to Go!

 

Enjoy your life. I know you don’t see it now, but I will bet $100 that of the course of your life you will be filled with bitter regret as you realize the treasure you held in your hands that you didn’t see, and lost. You will scoff at this right now, I know, but that’s because you are a young boy, and once you are grown and have been kicked around a bit by life you will see…you will see. Just in the same way that when you were younger you couldn’t appreciate Europe and now you want to go back- it will be the same.

 

Considering how completely I trusted in you, I deserved a better breakup. More communication. Do you remember our pact to tell eachother if we wanted to be with someone else BEFORE cheating? Well…you didn’t tell me BEFORE you canceled my ticket. You just did it. That’s cheating. I hope someone lets the next poor misguided female who falls for you know about this. So that she knows to never fully trust you. You could do this again…it could be five years, or ten years…but when the going gets tough, Ty gets going. Because he isn’t strong enough. You do not have what it takes to have a long term and happy relationship.

 

I am happier without you. Just going out with friends and meeting people brings me happiness. There are real MEN out there, who are not immature boys. They have their **** together and aren’t unwilling to deal with their baggage. There are sexy and classy vets, doctors and firefighter paramedics out there who aren’t in huge debt and are motivated and ambitious and fun…I cant wait to meet one of them and have you be a distant memory. Its quite an exciting idea.

 

You can’t rob me of my happiness. Sure, its going to take me a while to trust a man ever again, after what you did. But I’m still fabulous, and in the best shape of my life and ready to go on adventures with a new love. You may have robbed me of a trip to Germany, but I don’t like the cold anyway. My family has offered to pay for a ticket to AUSTRALIA..for a holiday with sun, sand, kangaroos and the Gold Coast! Sounds awesome. I may even pop over to NZ for some adventures while Im there. SO much better than visiting the land where Nazis come from and a tiny stupid village in Germany with a house full of screaming kids.

 

For now- I will remain civil, I hope you do the same. I don’t want any vindictive behavior please. You are free to clean your room etc. as you want to and when I am not home, I would rather not see. Unfortunately, I do need to see you when you come to take stuff that is shared. I want to make sure it’s a fair division of stuff.

 

 

Goodbye

 

 

I would not send this letter - it will likely just serve his ego that he has had this effect on you. To him, it means that you still care enough to not only feel for him, but write it down and send it too. It gives him power while minimizing yours.

 

Never give good love after bad.

 

I can understand your need to want to express your feelings of anger, unhappiness - your real feelings, but I'm afraid it's a tremendous waste of energy.

 

Does he really deserve a goodbye? Does he deserve your time after all of what you have gone thru? I think not.

 

I think it would be a better idea to keep this letter with you and use it when you feel like contacting him. Remind yourself of how it really felt, from day-to-day to be with him.

 

Take care.

[Zahara]

You write a love letter and when you don't get the response you want, you now do a 180, retracting all the lovely things you said about him, realizing you don't want him, you are better off and life is going to be great without him. It just sounds bitter and retaliatory. Ego boost for the jerk.

 

Your letter is coming from an emotional stance. He is unemotional. He'll read the first line, roll his eyes and dump it. When someone is unemotional and detached, they do not care to invest in your feelings, appease your hurt or worry about your thoughts/views about them.

 

If you think it's going to affect him, it won't. It will likely affect you when he isn't reactive.

 

If you truly mean what you say in reference to not wanting him and being better off, then move on, with dignity and grace.

Edited February 24, 2012 by Zahara

[sweetheart5381]

You write a love letter and when you don't get the response you want, you now do a 180, retracting all the lovely things you said about him, realizing you don't want him and that you are better off. It just sounds bitter and retaliatory. Ego boost for the jerk.

 

Your letter is coming from an emotional stance. He is unemotional. He'll read the first line, roll his eyes and dump it. When someone is unemotional and detached, they do not care to invest in your feelings, appeasing your hurt or your thoughts/views about them.

 

If you think it's going to affect him, it won't. It will likely affect you when he isn't reactive.

 

If you truly mean what you say in reference to not wanting him and being better off, then move on, with dignity and grace.

 

I agree with everything you just said.

 

I personally just encountered this, broke NC, he was cruel to me for the last time and I let him know that he would never have the opportunity to do it again. I knew the truth logically, just needed my heart to hear it too.

 

I think it all depends on the individual - only you will know when you are prepared to end your association to them completely. If you can really face the truth that it is over then send the final "f**k you" letter. It doesn't have to tell them anything more than that and will be easy to do. If you are still reeling emotionally and it will hurt you to hear the truth then it is a bad idea and you need to avoid contact to ensure that you don't compromise your own self-value.

[GKM]

I agree with everything you just said.

 

I personally just encountered this, broke NC, he was cruel to me for the last time and I let him know that he would never have the opportunity to do it again. I knew the truth logically, just needed my heart to hear it too.

 

I think it all depends on the individual - only you will know when you are prepared to end your association to them completely. If you can really face the truth that it is over then send the final "f**k you" letter. It doesn't have to tell them anything more than that and will be easy to do. If you are still reeling emotionally and it will hurt you to hear the truth then it is a bad idea and you need to avoid contact to ensure that you don't compromise your own self-value.

 

 

Thank you SO much for your perspective! I feel like I am so emotionally mired in this situation that I dont quite trust myself to make the right choices. I wont send the letter. I will keep it though, and use it to remind myself why I am better of without him. And maybe in a few months when I am not reeling emotionally and have been through enough therapy to handle whatever comes back at me, I will send my final '**** you' !

 

You are right that it might not get through to him at all. I guess that after he has been crushing my self esteem so hard I just want to crush his back, so that he doesnt go off into the world thinking he is Mr. Awesome. But you are right, I probably cant handle his response right now, especially if he continues to be a jerk.

 

He gets back from the vacation we were supposed to go on together, tonight. This weekend is the division of our stuff weekend (and I have a big math exam to study for too!) Im going to therapy this afternoon, to try get strong enough to deal with this. I'm afraid I may snap and pour out some ugly feelings if he so much as mentions Europe....I gave up my European travel plans and left England to come to Florida and live with him...so its a pretty touchy point for me!!

 

I know I'm going to have to move past the anger eventually...though its a fresh emotion for me. At first I just felt sad/depressed/wanting him back...now its the anger....funnily enough, my parents are all new age (my dad has been doing distance healings on me from Australia - which I think is so sweet, just imaginging him sitting there several times a day thinking about healing me!!) and they did a tarot reading for me. I asked them to do a reading to see if I should move back to Australia or stay in the USA. This is what they said:

 

Dad did the cards and says that they show that if you moved here you would feel isolated and lonely and if you stay there'd you have to be very careful not to become vindictive and like the angry mother bear,very enraged but to maximize you potential and your intuition and not become overwhelmingly angry. The card show that in the long run you will have very happy relationships...very rewarding.

 

Intresting....I think he is right about the anger. I can see myself moving on from this stage eventually, but what if starts dating??! How do you even handle that?!! (I guess the answer would be to date first?!)

 

The weirdest thing is that someone who was my best friend is about to become a stranger.

Edited February 24, 2012 by GKM

[LogicallyIllogical]

The weirdest thing is that someone who was my best friend is about to become a stranger.

 

I feel your pain. Not only did my ex sleep with me the night before she brokeup with me, we spent time together as we normally would. We were laughing, teasing and enjoying each other's company as always. The next day we made plans, she asked for a favor for later that night when we were supposed to hangout and the next thing I know, she's ignoring me for several hours until she brokeup via text message.

 

She was my best friend and my whole life was based around her. It's so hard to accept that they don't want us anymore, but that's the reality. Try constantly remindind yourself of how you feel now: that your ex doesn't deserve you, you don't deserve this and they're making a mistake. It's true and positive reinforcement will help. Eventually, in time, you'll be able to wrap your head around it just as I will.

[KathyM]

I don't know what to make of your situation, because on the one hand you say this is completely out of the blue and he was just one week earlier professing his love and you had no indication anything was wrong (which makes me think either some other woman suddenly came into his life, or he's having some psychological issues), but then on the other hand you mentioned a lot of issues and disagreements you were both having with each other for quite a while now, which makes me think this wasn't just out of the blue, but a long time coming and you didn't really deal with and resolve disagreements you had with him. When issues are just swept under the rug and not really dealt with or resolved, it can build resentment that erodes a marriage over time, and it sounds to me like he had some built-up resentment/frustration that came to a head one day, could have been over something minor, but was really just the straw that broke the camel's back. But regardless of why he's made this decision, I think you should allow the dust to settle and don't beg and plead to get him back. Allow him some time to live with this decision. He may realize this (the separation) is not what he wants. In any case, don't make any major decisions right now about your life. Don't move back to Australia right now. Don't say some mean retaliatory things to him--that's not going to help the situation. Just let the dust settle, keep your wits about you, don't call him begging and pleading, or that will drive him further away, and don't make matters worse by making it ugly. You are legally married, and I, for one, believe there is always hope for reconciliation. Just allow him to make the next move, and don't you do anything drastic right now, like moving back to Australia.

[GKM]

I don't know what to make of your situation, because on the one hand you say this is completely out of the blue and he was just one week earlier professing his love and you had no indication anything was wrong (which makes me think either some other woman suddenly came into his life, or he's having some psychological issues), but then on the other hand you mentioned a lot of issues and disagreements you were both having with each other for quite a while now, which makes me think this wasn't just out of the blue, but a long time coming and you didn't really deal with and resolve disagreements you had with him. When issues are just swept under the rug and not really dealt with or resolved, it can build resentment that erodes a marriage over time, and it sounds to me like he had some built-up resentment/frustration that came to a head one day, could have been over something minor, but was really just the straw that broke the camel's back. But regardless of why he's made this decision, I think you should allow the dust to settle and don't beg and plead to get him back. Allow him some time to live with this decision. He may realize this (the separation) is not what he wants. In any case, don't make any major decisions right now about your life. Don't move back to Australia right now. Don't say some mean retaliatory things to him--that's not going to help the situation. Just let the dust settle, keep your wits about you, don't call him begging and pleading, or that will drive him further away, and don't make matters worse by making it ugly. You are legally married, and I, for one, believe there is always hope for reconciliation. Just allow him to make the next move, and don't you do anything drastic right now, like moving back to Australia.

 

 

We had our ups and downs as every couple does, and he did have things he was working on - the substance abuse etc. I thought we had reached a really good place in our relationship thoug, with minimal fighting, lots of fun and more communication. He even mentioned how much smoother things were a few times in the past year or two. So I really didnt see this coming!!

 

I think you are very right about the built up frustration/resentment/psychological issues. There was a rough year in our relationship at about year 3, but then we resolved to turn over a new leaf and be better for eachother and communicate better etc. I dont think hes ever really been able to drop his resentments though. And he has a lot of psychological issues from his childhood/father.

 

Im not going to do anything drastic, or hurtful. I do hope that maybe this is a growing period for the both of us and we can reconcile....but Im not going to have that as my only objective because if it doesnt happen I will be devestated.

[KathyM]

We had our ups and downs as every couple does, and he did have things he was working on - the substance abuse etc. I thought we had reached a really good place in our relationship thoug, with minimal fighting, lots of fun and more communication. He even mentioned how much smoother things were a few times in the past year or two. So I really didnt see this coming!!

 

I think you are very right about the built up frustration/resentment/psychological issues. There was a rough year in our relationship at about year 3, but then we resolved to turn over a new leaf and be better for eachother and communicate better etc. I dont think hes ever really been able to drop his resentments though. And he has a lot of psychological issues from his childhood/father.

 

Im not going to do anything drastic, or hurtful. I do hope that maybe this is a growing period for the both of us and we can reconcile....but Im not going to have that as my only objective because if it doesnt happen I will be devestated.

It could be that he's blaming his marriage right now for all the frustrations, etc., that he's feeling in his life, that may have more to do with other issues, and he's using his marriage as a scapegoat for all the negative feelings he's having. He may come to his senses through counseling and see that the marriage really was not to blame or totally to blame for the way he's feeling right now. So don't throw in the towel just yet. Don't exascerbate the problem by sending any nasty Emails or whatever. It sounds like he needs some time to work out his issues and hopefully he is getting counseling for that. So just hang tight for now. But it would be a good idea for you to make sure your life is on track and not totally dependent on him. I hope you have a job you can count on. Try to get your life in order and shore up your emotional and physical resources and take care of yourself so if he does ultimately file for divorce, you are in a better position to move on with your life.

[GKM]

It could be that he's blaming his marriage right now for all the frustrations, etc., that he's feeling in his life, that may have more to do with other issues, and he's using his marriage as a scapegoat for all the negative feelings he's having. He may come to his senses through counseling and see that the marriage really was not to blame or totally to blame for the way he's feeling right now. So don't throw in the towel just yet. Don't exascerbate the problem by sending any nasty Emails or whatever. It sounds like he needs some time to work out his issues and hopefully he is getting counseling for that. So just hang tight for now. But it would be a good idea for you to make sure your life is on track and not totally dependent on him. I hope you have a job you can count on. Try to get your life in order and shore up your emotional and physical resources and take care of yourself so if he does ultimately file for divorce, you are in a better position to move on with your life.

 

 

Yes, one of the things he keeps saying is 'well, I've left the stress in my life behind now, so I'm really happy' in emails to me... which I know is B.S because life is stressful, with or without me its going to be hard especially as a newbie Paramedic trying to get a full time position and prove himself on the job. I feel like sometimes people who live together do that- come home and target all their stress at their partner, and feel like its THEM that is the cause of all their problems in life!

 

I wonder if I should mention counseling, for himself, when I do see him to divide things up? I mentioned to him before he left on the trip that I was going to therapy at our university (as its free for students) and he said 'Really? Its free? Maybe I should go too?" (because of his father issues) I know his ability for introspection is minimal by himself, so perhaps if I could gently stress that counselling is free and tell him how to set up an appointment......

 

And even if reconciliation was on the table....I dont think I would want him back without him going to therapy!! He really needs it. Someone who can behave as irrationally as he has recently isnt somebody I need in my life. There is a good man in there, underneath all the issues and prior to all this behaviour....!!

 

But who knows how long it could take him to figure things out...

[KathyM]

Yes, one of the things he keeps saying is 'well, I've left the stress in my life behind now, so I'm really happy' in emails to me... which I know is B.S because life is stressful, with or without me its going to be hard especially as a newbie Paramedic trying to get a full time position and prove himself on the job. I feel like sometimes people who live together do that- come home and target all their stress at their partner, and feel like its THEM that is the cause of all their problems in life!

Yes, people often do that--blame their spouse or their marriage for whatever issues they are dealing with, or they take out their frustrations with their work and other things on their spouse.

 

I wonder if I should mention counseling, for himself, when I do see him to divide things up? I mentioned to him before he left on the trip that I was going to therapy at our university (as its free for students) and he said 'Really? Its free? Maybe I should go too?" (because of his father issues) I know his ability for introspection is minimal by himself, so perhaps if I could gently stress that counselling is free and tell him how to set up an appointment......

That would be a very good idea. Gently suggest that counseling has really helped you, and offer to make an appointment for him with a school counselor if you can.

 

And even if reconciliation was on the table....I dont think I would want him back without him going to therapy!! He really needs it. Someone who can behave as irrationally as he has recently isnt somebody I need in my life. There is a good man in there, underneath all the issues and prior to all this behaviour....!!

 

But who knows how long it could take him to figure things out...

Might take awhile, might take a matter of weeks. It's worth the try, I think. You have invested a lot of time in your marriage. Don't let it go without giving it your best shot to save it.

[GKM]

Might take awhile, might take a matter of weeks. It's worth the try, I think. You have invested a lot of time in your marriage. Don't let it go without giving it your best shot to save it.

 

Hes back in the country, and nothing has changed. He is determined as ever to move. I only spoke with him on the phone about when he is coming to get the rest of his stuff, but he just pushed my buttons and made me cry + had no tone of apology for what he was doing whatsoever in his voice. Instead he was ranting on about because Im keeping the house I should pay him $150 for the porch screening he just installed a week before he dumped me (WTF!?! I wanted to be with him on that porch for years, what NERVE does he have to ask me to pay hm back for the porch.)

 

I talked to my parents on Skype (in Australia) aftewards and they said this would be the hardest time, because he is going to use our stuff/dogs to see that I still care/feel emotionally validated. Their advice was to not fight for anything and just let him take what he wants and get out of my life. They were like - he wants money for the porch? WE will give it to you, just get this jerk out of your life with as little fuss as possible!

 

He is being so immature, it is good to see actually because if he had been more like the man I fell in love with would have been (sad/apologetic/sweet - I would think that after a trip back from Germany he would have had time on the plane to think back to all the good in our relationship and have a little of that in his voice...but no..) it would be harder to let go.

 

But right now, this person is not someone I am in love with, or who is even worthy of how much love I give! I feel classier than this man, more mature, and more emotionally developed!

 

For example - When I was asking him to move his stuff, I told him I have a new house mate moving in this week- a grad student my age, who is a lovely positive/cooking/baking person who is a lesbian and very self sufficient (handy around the house- which is great for me because Im so NOT!) .

His response was 'enjoy her vagina!!'

I said 'That is a very redneck assumption that every lesbian will fall for any girl' and he said 'I was just messing with you, chill out dude' and I said 'you lost any right to 'mess around with me' when you broke my heart.' and he texted back 'chill out dude' and I said 'you show your emotional maturity duuuuuuude')

 

Seriously, who DOES something like he did and thinks they can 'mess around with you..duuuude' Jerk...

 

 

 

 

So I think I just need to move on

[GKM]

Its hard- I know he isnt the same person as his selfish actions have proven. However, I still just want my husband to come home and things to go back to normal

 

Its so weird how a man who was so protective of me has no problem with me meeting people off craigslist to move in as my new house mate (though he did offer to buy me a gun- my money- but he would get one for me)

 

Ive had other guys texting and calling me etc. but I dont feel ready to date! Im going to try go on a date this weekend though and see how I feel, maybe it will take my mind off things? This vet (the dog not army kind) new to town wants to meet for coffee on Friday......he is very attractive but Im still in love with a jerk...

 

I still think back to all the good times and it just makes me so sad Keep wishing this was all a bad dream and I could wake up and all of this madness would be over!