wow04 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I am going to try to keep this short. 9 years ago I was dating this wonderful man. He had 2 kids with his ex wife and I had 1. I thought everything was going good and we were going to have a future. Out of the blue his ex wife called him with a crisis and he went running back to her. I was heart broken. I got on with my life and married. I had 3 more children. Him and his ex wife had another child and split up over 5 years ago. In the beginning of August I left my husband and filed for divorce. In September the guy I was dating contacted me. It started out talking on the phone. We decided to meet in person. All the old feelings came rushing back. We have been seeing each other since. I have met his kids and they are wonderful. He hasn't met mine, due to I don't think they are ready yet. The days I don't have my 3 kids I spend with him. We connect on every level. He tells me he has feelings that he wished he had before. He regrets leaving me for her. My question is, will the fear of him leaving me again, for her, always be there? I am good until a function comes and I know they will be together. How do I get over the fear that he will go running back to his ex if she has another crisis? Am I crazy for thinking the feeling will never go away?
Exit Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Situations like these are very tough. The fear may never go away. If you let it affect you and your behavior too much though, you may subconsciously do things that will lead to it ending again anyway. A "Self-fulfilling prophecy" sort of situation. Relationships don't work when there is fear involved. On the other hand, you could find some magical way to wish all your fears away and trust in him completely, and could have your heart broken again anyway. A lot of people choose just not to take the risk. I gave an ex a second chance last year and everyone told me "if they did it once they can do it again". I didn't want to believe it. But here I am single again. There are no guarantees. You would have to have a very strong spirit to try to detach yourself from the outcome. If you decide to give him your heart again, you will have to do it with trust, you will have to tell yourself not to be afraid. You'll have to already imagine what it will feel like if he leaves again and be accepting that it may very well happen. A lot of people talk about "testing the waters" and "seeing how it goes" in situations like these, but I don't think it can really work that way. That would mean you're still allowing the fear to live in your mind. One foot in the relationship and one foot ready to run in case it looks like he's going to hurt you again. I think you have to go to one extreme or the other. Write this person off for good and find someone else, or dive into it head first, and realize it may or may not work out. I would tell him to his face "please don't waste my time. If any part of you imagines that you could ever leave again, let's just go our separate ways or just be friendly support for each other." Even so, it would be quite easy for him to give you some fake promises, but at least you'll show him that you aren't willing to mess around. If you cannot overcome the fear, I would suggest not re-entering the relationship. The fear will destroy it.
Author wow04 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Exit, thank you very much. Everything you said made perfect sense. I have to get rid of the fear or this will never work. The bad part is last time he never imagined himself going back to her, so I don't know if me saying that would matter. When I say it happened out of the blue I mean out of nowhere. I was completely blind sided.
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