Nerd4Noodles Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Hello everyone. So I met a guy on an online dating site. We talked for a little bit and we wanted to meet, so we did. I felt like I was rushing but I just allowed myself to go with it because I felt it would be fun to do something out of my comfort zone for once. Well we had a good date. He would text me frequently with questions and I to him. We dated a few more times--things were looking good. It eventually turned sexual. We slept together--he was my first. I might of, from then on, got more emotionally attached (I never thought I would) but after we slept together the texting was less frequent. I didn't pay it much attention. He told me he was getting busier which I believed because he owns two businesses and does a few things here and there to help supply his income. So I understood right away that he couldn't spend as much time as he wanted with me. Almost three months in (this almost being the third month) he has ceased texting all together. He has not texted me for five days now. I Facebook'd him (we would sometimes talk on there) no response. I texted him several times--to my friends dismay--and no response. Meanwhile he has responded to friends' statues and post videos on Facebook. So, I've been told by my friends to not respond--to wait for him to get back to me. But I feel he will never get back to me, and it's causing me great distress...I'm on the verge of texting him things I'll probably regret, but I feel that whatever we had or was going to have seems to have gone down the drain, so to me texting him an ultimatum would not leave a dent to a already messed up...whatever we are/were. I hate to look at it that way (as if we've broken up) but I feel that we have. I just wish he would just tell me we are over instead of leaving me to this guessing/waiting game. I'm conflicted and very hurt. I don't know what to do anymore.
Author Nerd4Noodles Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Yes he knew I was a virgin.
Emilia Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Is he much older? Did your conversations change? I mean, did they become more affectionate? Did you start talking on the phone or was it always just text? How old are you?
Author Nerd4Noodles Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 He's 27 and I'm 25. It started out as very affectionate. Then it gradually went sexual. Then it was mostly just a "Hi how are you?" only going as far as explaining a few things happening throughout our day. We never talked on the phone (mostly because I hate talking on the phone) so we primarily texted with an occasional Facebook chat which consisted very little conversation. The FB conversations turned out to be like the texting--a "hi" then a "how are you?" then "Oh..just doing this." and it would end there.
Emilia Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 So you didn't pay much attention to the decline in texting in the beginning and that you dislike talking on the phone. How much of that you think contributed to the lack of intimacy in your relationship? Do you find it easy to get close to people? The reason I'm asking you because they guy isn't here so can only take your point of view. When you start dating, the idea is to build attraction and intimacy. Do you think he just gave up on you? Or do you think he was just after sex?
Author Nerd4Noodles Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 I do find it hard to be close to people--I have a hard time trusting--but with him it was a different story. Because I've never gone through this dating thing before he opened doors that have never been opened before. For example, I never thought I would enjoy cuddling or kissing; touched or being caressed but because he's done it to me I can't get enough of it. In the beginning he would try his best to see me but that was before we had sex, so I got the feeling, after we had sex, that he was just warming me up so that he could sleep with me. And now, as the communication stopped completely, all I think about is that he has given up on me.
Emilia Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 He should have talked to you about this, not just disappear and he is old enough to know better. Whatever the reason, this isn't how you behave when you have cuddled with someone, it's not like you just had a one night stand. How long were you seeing each other for? Did you feel he was trying to fit into your life? Did he try to work out what you were about you think?
Author Nerd4Noodles Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) Yeah, I feel there needs to be an explanation as to why he's purposely ignoring me (or I'm assuming he's purposely ignoring me). We've seen/texted each other for close to three months. For me I don't think he was trying to fit in to my life. He has his life he's concentrating on which I'm fine with because I'm doing the same. As for figuring out what I'm all about, I find it hard to open up to new people--it takes me awhile to warm up to them--so I wouldn't say much about what I'm all about except for the "standard" general questions such as what I'm doing career wise, what i want to do in the future, etc. Mind you he didn't really ask either. Edited February 21, 2012 by Nerd4Noodles
Emilia Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Mind you he didn't really ask either. Someone asked carhill here for advice on how to tell when a man is genuinely interested in you rather than just sex. He said he would be curious about you and he would want to understand what you were about. Have you deleted his number yet? I really don't think he is the kind of person you should ever speak to again. It sounds to me that whatever he told you, it wouldn't ever be an honest response. Is he still a facebook friend?
Author Nerd4Noodles Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 I have yet to delete his number... I guess because I just want this resolved...at least by him saying (or maybe by me saying...) that's it's officially over. And yes...he is still a friend on FB. I guess my next question is should I tell him this: that he's hurt me and that he once asked me what I was looking for in a guy and that what I was looking for was respect and how he wanted the same and that how can he expect respect when he doesn't give it in return? There's more I wanted to add but that's the jest of it. That's what I wanted to either FB or text him, but I have an awful feeling he won't read it. My friends have strongly been against me contacting him for the reasons I've shared with you. But I want him to know that what he's done to me is unacceptable and hope that by telling him what I want to say will maybe make him avoid doing this to the next girl he sees.
Emilia Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) I think you want to tell him because you want him to show remorse. The kind of person who behaves like this doesn't show remorse. What do you think would be different if you contacted him now? He would probably not respond (which would make you feel worse) or would give you an unsatisfactory, flaky response because he lacks a backbone. One thing he will not do is confess to seeing the light and showing you respect. People with weak character don't do that. There is absolutely nothing positive you can gain from writing to him or contacting him in any way. If he ever felt remorse, it would be strong enough for him to contact you, you wouldn't need to contact him first. I think you should delete his number and take him off facebook. I know this sounds very final and upsetting but this isn't going to get resolved - certainly not in a way that will make you feel better, I am sorry. What you need to take away from this is gaining the strength to deal with something upsetting where your voice isn't being heard. Edited February 21, 2012 by Emilia
Author Nerd4Noodles Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 *Sigh* You're right. I can't do anything and it's a horrible feeling...just horrible. I will eventually delete both his number and him as a friend on FB...I guess I just need a few days--hoping that something might happen (though it probably won't) I'm just a person that believes there's at least some good in people...I guess I'll just see. I told a friend that being in this position is worse than being single. Thank you for listening and for the replies.
Emilia Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 You know how people turn out to be less cool than you had hoped, that happens all the time. This is the same thing, it takes ages to get to know someone - although certain character traits you pick up on quickly with practice. You can delete him completely, he will still know how to contact you BUT! I don't think he will. He is not evil, he just isn't the man you had thought he was
Emilia Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 He is a dumb troll N4N, he shows up when he is off his medication. sorry about that.
InJest Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I'm a little unsure of the progression of events. Over how long of a period were you sleeping together? How long was it before you slept with him initially? In any event, contacting him isn't going to do anything for you. He knows that disappearing like this will hurt you, and whether you find it acceptable or not, there is no direct recourse for you. Saying he's busy is classic excuse to start fading on someone, especially when he does lead a busy life and there's no real way for you of knowing. But if he was running two businesses when he started talking to you, then he knows how to make time for what he wants. Did you two ever talk about exclusivity or define your relationship at all? At least you've learned a lesson early(hopefully) that many girls are too stupid to learn, which is that there isn't a length of time that you can hold out sexually that will ensure a man will stay with you.
Author Nerd4Noodles Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 I'm a little unsure of the progression of events. Over how long of a period were you sleeping together? How long was it before you slept with him initially? In any event, contacting him isn't going to do anything for you. He knows that disappearing like this will hurt you, and whether you find it acceptable or not, there is no direct recourse for you. Saying he's busy is classic excuse to start fading on someone, especially when he does lead a busy life and there's no real way for you of knowing. But if he was running two businesses when he started talking to you, then he knows how to make time for what he wants. Did you two ever talk about exclusivity or define your relationship at all? At least you've learned a lesson early(hopefully) that many girls are too stupid to learn, which is that there isn't a length of time that you can hold out sexually that will ensure a man will stay with you. I waited a month before sleeping with him, and we only had sex once. Though he claimed he wanted to sleep with me more, but it was always the "classic excuse" of being busy. I wanted to have a talk to him face to face about where we stood, but it never happened because, as you may have already guessed it, he was too busy. I finally asked him on Facebook, awhile back, if we were bf and gf and he told me that we were in the dating phase.
InJest Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) Delete the guy from facebook and erase his contact info, today. He hasn't been able to make time for you in two months..it's not going to happen. Time to suck it up and accept it for what it is. He used you, he got what he wanted, and now he's gone. You can either dwell on it, which you already have, or move on. You don't sound as broken up as most girls over it, but that may just be the way you convey yourself here. If I may ask, what took you so long to lose your virginity in the first place? Have you dated or had boyfriends before? Edited February 21, 2012 by InJest
Author Nerd4Noodles Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Delete the guy from facebook and erase his contact info, today. He hasn't been able to make time for you in two months..it's not going to happen. Time to suck it up and accept it for what it is. He used you, he got what he wanted, and now he's gone. You can either dwell on it, which you already have, or move on. You don't sound as broken up as most girls over it, but that may just be the way you convey yourself here. If I may ask, what took you so long to lose your virginity in the first place? Have you dated or had boyfriends before? I deleted everything. It hurt quite a bit. (A stab to the heart more like) I cried. But I know I need to move on. I never had a boyfriend and I never dated before him, so I never had the opportunity to have sex prior to seeing him. I lacked confidence and self-esteem. I felt I wasn't pretty enough to be with anyone in the bedroom. He changed that, of course. He told me I was gorgeous and that I had an amazing body. And despite what that troll said, he was amazed that I was good in bed and he was surprised I was a good kisser. But that could have all been lies..so...yeah...
InJest Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Whether you were good or bad, it wouldn't have mattered to this guy. Besides, it's sex..even when it's bad, it's still pretty good(for a guy at least). Look at this situation and figure out what you can take away from it. You now have the confidence to date someone, and sleep with someone. He may have helped instill that confidence in you, but it is entirely up to you whether it goes out the window with him or you choose to build on that confidence. You also know now, that sleeping with a guy doesn't mean anything, except that you are sleeping with him. That doesn't mean you demand to be official before you sleep with someone(it might), but you need to figure out what you are comfortable with. This guy definitely led you on, but to his credit, it doesn't sound like he really lied to you about anything. It's not off limits to ask someone where you stand with them, before you sleep with them. I'd advise against online dating, until you really know what your boundaries are and what you're comfortable with. If you stay on there, I'd suggest putting something on there like, "I like to get hot and heavy, but no sex unless I'm in a relationship", to really ward off guys like this one. I'm not sure if that is specifically what you're looking for, but I think you would benefit from just dating around and seeing what you like in guys, since you got such a late start. That way you don't get too invested in any one guy, and if sparks do fly with one of them, you can discuss it then. That's really the only way to not set your expectations too high for online dating. I would also suggest that you not spend too much time texting, because for some reason girls take that as actually doing something to show interest..it is, but only mild interest. What did this guy do to show he cared other than text? What kind of dates did he take you on?
Author Nerd4Noodles Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Our dates were really nice. It consisted of ice skating (he knew I was an ice skater and he a hockey player that had long since been on the ice) watching movies, and a shooting range (which I suggested because I always wanted to shoot a gun). He take me to really good food restaurants and he always paid for everything. He would text me every morning with a "Good morning" that made me smile but that soon ended. Looking back I realized there wasn't much more than texting for how he showed he cared. :/
goldengirl11 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Our dates were really nice. It consisted of ice skating (he knew I was an ice skater and he a hockey player that had long since been on the ice) watching movies, and a shooting range (which I suggested because I always wanted to shoot a gun). He take me to really good food restaurants and he always paid for everything. He would text me every morning with a "Good morning" that made me smile but that soon ended. Looking back I realized there wasn't much more than texting for how he showed he cared. :/ I just wanted to say that I sympathise with your situation, after being in a similar one myself. It is very hard to let go I know, particularly when being inexperienced and thought that you had found someone you could trust. I admire that you have deleted his info and think that if he has any decency in him that he will be feeling very guilty about the way he's behaved. I wish you all the best.
Shaun-Dro Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Hello everyone. So I met a guy on an online dating site. We talked for a little bit and we wanted to meet, so we did. I felt like I was rushing but I just allowed myself to go with it because I felt it would be fun to do something out of my comfort zone for once. Well we had a good date. He would text me frequently with questions and I to him. We dated a few more times--things were looking good. It eventually turned sexual. We slept together--he was my first. I might of, from then on, got more emotionally attached (I never thought I would) but after we slept together the texting was less frequent. I didn't pay it much attention. He told me he was getting busier which I believed because he owns two businesses and does a few things here and there to help supply his income. So I understood right away that he couldn't spend as much time as he wanted with me. Almost three months in (this almost being the third month) he has ceased texting all together. He has not texted me for five days now. I Facebook'd him (we would sometimes talk on there) no response. I texted him several times--to my friends dismay--and no response. Meanwhile he has responded to friends' statues and post videos on Facebook. So, I've been told by my friends to not respond--to wait for him to get back to me. But I feel he will never get back to me, and it's causing me great distress...I'm on the verge of texting him things I'll probably regret, but I feel that whatever we had or was going to have seems to have gone down the drain, so to me texting him an ultimatum would not leave a dent to a already messed up...whatever we are/were. I hate to look at it that way (as if we've broken up) but I feel that we have. I just wish he would just tell me we are over instead of leaving me to this guessing/waiting game. I'm conflicted and very hurt. I don't know what to do anymore. Since you're naive to the dating game, here goes: you were a conquest. A woman he yearned to sleep with, but nothing more. That explains why he worked diligently to get you into bed. Now that he's accomplished it, he's on to the next damsel.
Ranchero44 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I just wish he would just tell me we are over instead of leaving me to this guessing/waiting game. I'm conflicted and very hurt. Of course you are. I wish I could start some kind of online petition to outlaw the "brush off". You will bounce back from this in time. The most important thing I have learned from being blown off like this is the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you'd have done to you." If there is anything good that comes from being treated like this, it is that you will be much more empathetic and sensitive when letting someone who really likes you down easy in the future. Best of luck and believe me, there is someone much, much, much better out there for you.
Emilia Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Whether you were good or bad, it wouldn't have mattered to this guy. Besides, it's sex..even when it's bad, it's still pretty good(for a guy at least). Look at this situation and figure out what you can take away from it. You now have the confidence to date someone, and sleep with someone. He may have helped instill that confidence in you, but it is entirely up to you whether it goes out the window with him or you choose to build on that confidence. You also know now, that sleeping with a guy doesn't mean anything, except that you are sleeping with him. That doesn't mean you demand to be official before you sleep with someone(it might), but you need to figure out what you are comfortable with. This guy definitely led you on, but to his credit, it doesn't sound like he really lied to you about anything. It's not off limits to ask someone where you stand with them, before you sleep with them. I'd advise against online dating, until you really know what your boundaries are and what you're comfortable with. If you stay on there, I'd suggest putting something on there like, "I like to get hot and heavy, but no sex unless I'm in a relationship", to really ward off guys like this one. I'm not sure if that is specifically what you're looking for, but I think you would benefit from just dating around and seeing what you like in guys, since you got such a late start. That way you don't get too invested in any one guy, and if sparks do fly with one of them, you can discuss it then. That's really the only way to not set your expectations too high for online dating. I would also suggest that you not spend too much time texting, because for some reason girls take that as actually doing something to show interest..it is, but only mild interest. What did this guy do to show he cared other than text? What kind of dates did he take you on? This advise is very good N4N, I was thinking about this yesterday after I went offline because I know your confidence must have been affected. Follow InJest's advice
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