moss23 Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 Hey guys, First posts are always weird, but here goes: I was with my ex for almost 2 years. It was the first long term relationship I'd had (or my first "serious" one). We had unbelievably good times together. It was fun, we were open and talkative, and to me, it was as close as you could get to "the perfect couple". We broke up about a year ago - I know its a long time ago, but hear me out - and it was a really bad break up. She was the one who did the break, and she'd lied to me about why. But I only found this out later on. In the month immediately following our break up, (and I'm sure a lot of you can understand), I was still finding it really hard to let go. I at least wanted to be able to see her and hang out with her. I'd give her lifts home from school, I'd still come over every now and again etc. But she was acting really different around me - she treated me like absolute dirt. I had no idea why she was doing it and how she just managed to do this 180* spin on how she acted around me. I found out for certain about a month after we broke up that she'd already started seeing someone else before we'd even broken up 'properly'. It was something I'd suspected - the final weeks we were together there were things and events that didn't quite 'click' or just didn't 'sit right' with me. When I found out I was right I was so angry - I'd found out through one of her brother's friends that I bumped into. When I found this out I stopped everything - the lifts home, the weekends together, the msgs, the calls, EVERYTHING. I don't think I've ever been so p*ssed off. It killed me to suddenly just stop all contact, but I just couldn't handle it. That was it for me and I swore to myself I would only hate her from then on. 6 months later she tries to call me like nothing had happened and like we were just buddies that hadn't hung out in a while. It was a 5 minute conversation with me replying with one syllable answers and me not sounding particularly excited to hear her voice. I was still (and still am) good friends with her sister and her sister's bf and they told me that she missed me and always asked about me. She bumped into one of my friends a little while ago and said that "she was trying to be nice to me but that it was obvious I didn't want to be friends". About a month ago we caught the same bus. Didn't say a thing to eachother (probably cause of the phonecall), but when she got off we 'smiled' at eachother in acknowledgement. She sat a couple of rows in front of me and I could just tell she was really uncomfortable being there. Today I visited her sister and her sister's bf at their place, and my ex was there too. I've always been on good terms with her family - we got on great and they even took my side when we went through the break up saying she was making a huge mistake. So I thought I owed it to them to at least act nice. We had the small talk - how's school/the family etc and that was about it. I heard her sister pull her aside and say to her "you look REALLY happy. Why?" and my ex said "Gee, take a guess!". Now comes the hard part: Is it possible to hate someone for good? I still care for her, I still love her. If we'd broken up for the reason she told me instead of because of her cheating and lies I would've had no problems taking her back. Just seeing her today was really really awkward. I WANTED to hate her so much. I still want to be able to just forget about her. I don't want to be nice to her. Yet being honest if I had another chance with her I'd really want to give it another shot - I dont want to miss out on knowing 'what could have been'. After we broke up I'd miss her of course, but all I'd have to think about was how we split up and all of a sudden I'd hate her again. But now I'm really not sure. If I had the chance to get back with her should I? Look, I know the easy answer is "No", but I'd prefer if people who've been in this same situation could reply. Its so easy to tell me "don't get back with her" but when you're the one experiencing the problem, its a whole different situation. Today I've just been a mess. Before today I think I was well on the road to getting over her, though now I don't know. I want to call her sister and her sister's bf and ask if she said anything to them, but I don't want to pry. I do miss her still, we were so good together and we fought so hard to be together. Both my parents and her mum were against us being together and I even moved out from home for 6 months just to pursue this. I helped her through some pretty terrible family problems, she changed me and opened me up a lot more. Being with her is a feeling I miss, I miss our conversations and all the little things she'd do or say. Am I just asking for her to screw me around again? Should I even give her the chance to be friends again? I've always worried about this, because I just feel the attraction would be too strong and we'd never simply be "friends". It'd definitely move on to something more. Sorry for the long post. Please tell me your thoughts.
JustSoRight Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 You still love her, she seems to still care for you. Maybe you should give her this one more chance. But I would have a serious conversation with her on why she did what she did in the first place. I myself have been in your shoes. But it didn't work for me. He continued to cheat on me over six years of marriage. But I hope that it can be different for you. I know how much loving someone and then being betrayed by them can break your heart. It's really dependant on whether you can get past it, and if it did ever happen again can you survive the heartbreak again?
conflicted Posted June 6, 2004 Posted June 6, 2004 I'm in the same boat. My ex lied to me when we broke up (although not because of another person). She treated me like dirt for the first 6 months. Now she's dropping hints about getting back together. I still love her, but I don't know if I can ever trust her again and I don't want to feel that much pain again.
Author moss23 Posted June 6, 2004 Author Posted June 6, 2004 Thanks for your post. As always, its an issue of trust. We tried so damn hard to be together for the 2 years that we were, so it just doesn't make sense to me as to why she would all of a sudden turn her back on all of it and start again with someone else. I've been aching to sit down with her and ask why it all happened the way it did. But she's lied to my face before (quite well, to tell you the truth). In our last couple of weeks together I remember asking her if there was anybody else and if she still loved me and she looked me straight in the eye when answering. How can I even think that *IF* we do sit down and talk that she'll be telling me the truth then? I do want to try again. She was my first real relationship - and as people say, your first experience with everything or anything is the one you judge all other experiences on. I want to see if this has potential to move on to something better, but I don't want to go through another breakup again where the people around me (and myself included) will say "I told you so". Hmm... I'm obviously still a long way off making a decision.
dudesomewhere Posted June 6, 2004 Posted June 6, 2004 ah, the feminine wiles don't let those things fool you...they did before as you've stated, sounds like they are doing it again It would be different, if she confessed...but only if she did so long ago. If I were in your shoes I'd be saying "she only likes me now cuz she needs a ride and free food" hehe. Sure you still love her, but she never really loved you...and that plays off of my whole love/friendship philo...check my posts, too much to get into right now I'm tellin you man, it's cuz she needs a ride, free food, plus all the good movies coming out in theatres!
conflicted Posted June 6, 2004 Posted June 6, 2004 Dude may sound harsh, but he's right. Once they break up with you, it's much easier to do it again. She ran away from the problem once, and she'll do it again.
JustSoRight Posted June 7, 2004 Posted June 7, 2004 I tried to be an optimist when I wrote my previous post, but I really agree with the others. That's why I asked if you can handle the heart break again. I have never broken up with a guy by lying. I have always been honest and never dated that person again. If it sucked the first time, why would it be better the second time? Stay away from the chick. She'll play you like a fiddle. Another thing. What happened to the dude that she dumped you for? Did he dump her and now she wants MR Dependable again?
azgirl Posted June 7, 2004 Posted June 7, 2004 I agree with JustSoRight, conflicted and dude - remember the old saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." I, too, have NEVER broken up with a guy by lying. Never. It's cowardly and immature. I have even been honest when I became interested in other people. It was hard, but I respected the one I had been in a relationship with to tell them the truth. They deserved that much and hadn't hurt me so I tried to be as honest and gentle as I could. She didn't respect you enough back then to be HONEST. Why would she now??? Quite likely she has had a lot more practice at it since then and may be even more deceitful and cunning now. Do you really want to go through that again??
estakado Posted June 7, 2004 Posted June 7, 2004 Follow your heart and tred slowly, if you have a chance to talk with her and check her feelings then do so. Lay the groundwork down on what you want out of the relationship and what you know in the past. Get it all clear before you really decide. Be strong and confident and let her know that if she screws this up then its over. In the meantime continue coping without her, sound like you've made alot of progress. Man i wish my ex called me but it dont look like its gonna happen soon.
Author moss23 Posted June 8, 2004 Author Posted June 8, 2004 Thanks for the posts, guys. I know its only been a day or two but I've thought it over. I think I should just pass it off like you guys are saying. JustSoRight - in regard to the other guy? All I know is she's single again. I don't know how long ago they broke up, I don't know how - I don’t like prying in other people's business. I won’t say that it isn’t tempting, mind you. "I'm tellin you man, it's cuz she needs a ride, free food, plus all the good movies coming out in theatres!" Ha! Wouldn't be surprised if you were right man! You know what I’ve found as being one of the most personally empowering things when it comes to handling break ups? The one time that you actually vent all the suspicion and hurt that’s been built up inside you to your partner or ex-partner. I’m not sure if you guys have ever done the same, but I do recommend it! I did this once in our final weeks together (when things weren’t “clicking”, and basically when I’d had enough) and I just remember the deafening silence between us as I drove off and as she stood there stunned – it was so out of character for me to do. For once she just had nothing to say, and sadistic or weird as it may sound, I was just so happy I did it. It is THE ultimate power-trip: even thinking about it now brings a smile to my face. How about you guys? I’m curious to see how other people handle breakups. What do you do to get the other person off your mind? What do you do to stop yourself liking someone that’s hurt you in the past? Is there a particular moment you remember that helps you like the one above helped me? Two others I can think of off the top of my head are listening to music (That’s either ridiculously loud or contains a lot of swearing and yelling), and trying to find someone else to like IMMEDIATELY. My friend told me once that, “The quickest way to get your mind off one person is to get it on another”. Please share your thoughts, guys.
dudesomewhere Posted June 8, 2004 Posted June 8, 2004 being 31 and only having 4 women, not really counting 1 as she was just a one timer...I never find replacements to forget. I just go off by myself and do my thing. Read, expand my knowledge...I'm no wiz but I love reading scientific books like things on astronomy, biology, paleontology...etc. The thing is, I'm a hopeful guy...I try to like the one I'm broken up with because I try to believe it was all real before. So I try to make a go of it...but you often times see even more clearly the ugliness that drove you away. So when I am hopeful and try to like the ex, it is not in hopes to get back together but to try and validate the relationship prior...to hope that it wasn't wasted time. For me, I treat things like a rubber band. As a relationship goes downward the band stretches, along that stretch you can have an end but if you stretch it too fast as in a rebound the band breaks(your integrity) and you may feel you've let yourself down. So for me, I stretch my band slowly...I engulf myself in memories of that person, I don't try to forget...in the deluge my band will reach a certain point and spring me back out of my black hole so that I may embrace the next relationship cleanly. I'm quirky huh? but I likes it
JustSoRight Posted June 8, 2004 Posted June 8, 2004 Seeing how I am a married woman leaving her cheating, lying, selfish husband I can tell you exactly what I have been doing. I spend a lot of time with my boys, working, cleaning the house, and by the end of the night I find solitude with my computer or TV. LOL Anyhow. I'm dealing pretty well. I go out every once in while with friends and go dancing, to the movies, whatever. I go to the gym, or work out at home. I've lost 65 pounds by the way. All excited about that. I don't date seeing how I am still married and the mother of two. I don't live with him right now. I'm glad that I have been alone for the last 18 months. I have learned a lot about myself, and learned to find the real me again. By the time the divorce is final I will be able to date and it won't be a rebound. I don't agree with moving on to another to get over someone. All that's gonna do is either cause more confusion within yourself, or hurt a person. Women especially get attached to men when they have sex with them. There are only a small amount of women out there that don't. I myself am not one of those women. Even when I knew it was just for fun (FWB) I still got a little attached. Not romantically, but almost like he was a piece of prime property in which only I was able to take vacations. LOL. I would just say, become your real self again. Take time to rediscover your talents and passions, without clouding it with another relationship so soon.
Author moss23 Posted June 9, 2004 Author Posted June 9, 2004 JustSoRight - I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it has been for you. I'm glad to hear you're doing so well though, and that you are moving on. Moving on is obviously something everybody's got to learn to do in their lifetime, isn't it? "I'm glad that I have been alone for the last 18 months. I have learned a lot about myself, and learned to find the real me again." I agree completely. Time away and on my own has taught me a lot about myself, what I want etc. This was my first real long-term relationship, and I can honestly say I jumped in head first. I let the relationship become everything I was here for - I still kept up with my studies and work, but the heart wasn't in it. I've never been so dependent on a person before (basically for happiness), and this experience has taught me not to be in future. I just want to clarify and say that the whole "The quickest way to get your mind off one person is to get it onto another" thing and every other thing I stated in my last post were things I felt I had to do to get over my last relationship. I am a very deep thinker - if I'm given too much space and quiet time I will think about things til the cows come home. This can be good, but it has its bad parts, too. Because I think too much about things I tend to over-analyze situations and read too much into them. The first 4-6 months that we were apart were nothing but hell for me. I thought about her constantly - it was getting me really down, I didn't want to do anything whatsoever. I just tried to fancy other people - I didn't sleep with anyone else or even start a new relationship with anyone else - as a way of distracting myself so I could think of something different instead of HER for a moment. A breath of fresh psychological air. "I try to like the one I'm broken up with because I try to believe it was all real before" Dudesomewhere - I just hurt so much after this relationship that I didn't want to remember anything about it. Believe me when I say I'm thankful for how I've grown and developed over the length of the relationship, but to me it just felt like her last actions wrote-off everything we'd fought for (to be together). It just all seemed like such a waste of effort afterwards. Now I can openly think about things and I feel good about some of our experiences together, but right after we'd split up, I did it too much and I felt like it had to stop. All that I've said doesn't stand for other relationships I've had previously (though not as serious). A couple of them ended mutually, others didn't - but they never ended in deceit. I never had to resort to such measures to try and get over someone before.
doubledown Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 WOW Moss! You're story is so much like my own, reading it gave me chills. It seems like you're handling the whole situation with tact and maturity. I feel exactly like you do, I want to move on but can't. I want to give it another shot, but why should I? It's really tough when they give you just enough to keep you guessing, like when you mention overhearing her sister ask why she is so happy. It really makes you feel good, but on the other hand you want to hear it from her lips, saying it to you, along with an apology, among other things. Like you, I am really close to her family and that can be a blessing or a curse at a time like this. I haven't seen my EX in 6 months, so I'm still holding out hope that we will come together some day and at least talk again. I picture a scenario much like what happened to you at her sister's house. Hang in their bro, and keep me/us updated.
torkworld Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 Man that was so close to home it gave chills too. My ex still calls and I'm VERY close with her family as well. I say in my mind to cut her off but sometimes it's easier said then done. What I've been doing to stay sane is: 1. Remember why you broke up 2. Remember the bad things you didn't like about her 3. THINK WITH THE RIGHT HEAD I'm determined not to crack, though it's not always easy!
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