seekinga Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Hey, new here. My story is going to be long but I'd really appreciate any advice and opinions. So, my long-distance boyfriend and I broke up 6ish weeks ago out of the blue and for reasons that I was not really clear on. It seemed a lot like a GIGS thing, except that obviously the distance complicates things. The last 4 months of the relationship were strange--I was being a pretty perfect girlfriend, better than ever and very happy and easygoing, while he was slacking on wanting to video chat, sending cute texts, general relationship maintenance, etc. He agreed when I brought it up casually that I deserved more than I was getting from him, but I never ended up getting it, and we broke up before anything changed. So I handled the breakup really well because, frankly, I've experienced some really low times in my life and I finally had a good head on my shoulders after a few years of depression. I was, of course, upset that things ended because I've (we've) always felt that we had something quite special, but I was really okay. I'd been in love before, but this last relationship had always felt much different and we both saw a future together. I also was fairly certain that he would regret his decision due to our actions in the relationship (I had a lot of good karma built up, haha). The 6 weeks since the breakup I've been happy, trying new things, working out like usual, meeting guys, going out, etc. Now here comes the part that complicates things. I got a facebook message and e-mail from him Sunday night after a few pictures of me surfaced with another guy on facebook. He mentioned that seeing that was the last straw and that he had things he needed to tell me, etc. So I obliged and said he was welcome to tell me what he had to say, but that I was too busy for a phone call. An exchange on facebook ensued in which he explained that he's been upset and thought about me every day. Apparently, he's going through some rough times with family that he didn't let me in on during the relationship because he was denying it himself, and the chaos of it contributed to the breakup. He's never really had anything bad happen to him in his life prior to now (which I still have not asked what these things are, but will--more on that later), so he didn't know how to handle it. Anyway the nature of the messages was out of character for him: I've never seen him really vulnerable, and boy was he vulnerable. He was pouring his heart out asking for another chance, saying that he wants to be with me forever, saying that he was confused about what he wanted before and that he'll do whatever it takes to fight for me back now, that I didn't deserve the way he treated me, that he'll buy a plane ticket to come see me (he has veryy little money). I was very logical during the whole conversation. I made it clear that I would not even consider a second chance until I saw the actions that mattered, and knew that his intentions were real and not out of desperation and loneliness. He agreed that that was fair but continued to be sure that this is what he wanted. We ended the conversation with me saying that he really needs to think about things, suggesting he write things down or see a counselor or talk to someone, etc and that he should give it time. Today he e-mails again with the song "Not over you" by Gavin Degraw and another short excerpt about how he'll do what it takes to have me again. I responded saying that I would need him to answer a bunch of questions before I would consider opening up two-way communication again. He said he would gladly try to answer them and that I was right in that he needed to make sure his head was clear and that he would take his time in responding (and that we would not talk during). So I drafted up a bunch of questions. Things such as: "You need to explain what all is happening in your life that’s so upsetting for you and how you’re dealing with it. How and why have you changed internally from it? How will that affect how you treat me or resolve any issues in the previous relationship?" "Are you aware that I can’t really make you happy if you’re not already? That’s all you. I’ve been there and I know. Nothing wrong with being unhappy sometimes and going through a rough patch with someone, but it shouldn’t cause what it did last time." (a breakup) "How will you deal with the distance this time? (plan of action)" Along with a lot about how he really needs to consider if he's just lonely and wanting familiarity or if he really sees and wants a future with me and will ACT on it. In my mind, both are possibilities. I know he's always said he saw a future with me. He's dated many, many more people than I have before we got into a relationship and also during a 4-5 month break we took last summer (mutual), so I feel like he might actually have a good handle on what he wants in a girl. At the same time, we were together for 2.5ish years and I know that it's difficult to separate from that, particularly when you're having other issues. It's certainly much earlier than I thought he would be contacting me. He's always been a pretty happy person and he's certainly stubborn. A part of me thinks it's much too early for him to have come to any changes, but at the same time I've made dramatic changes in my own mindset in a month or less so I know it's possible. Also, it really could just be that stress got to him and he made a stupid mistake in breaking up. And again, it could be that he just wants companionship (although part of that sounds a little silly considering companionship from 1800 miles away is difficult to do--it would almost be easier to find someone closer haha). I basically just would like others' opinions. Am I handling this right? I am not contacting him first for anything and my responses to his contact have been light, logical, and reasonable in my expectations. I have no intentions of getting back together without a lot of proof of change and actions. Where do you think he is with all this? I'll keep everyone updated when he responds to all my questions (2 pages worth). Thank you in advance! Please feel free to ask for any clarification on anything, too.
Author seekinga Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 My gosh, I am SO sorry for the length of that. It didn't seem that long. I wish I had medals for everyone that actually gets through the whole thing. Thanks again.
2sunny Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 You are handling it well. He has things to work through - otherwise you are accepting him in a broken state. He's got things to work out on his own - give him the time and space to do that. Stay busy - you're doing great.
rAFC Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 It sounds like you are handling this perfectly! Keep it up, just remember to use your head before your heart and you will be okay. 1
jus d'orange Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I think you're handling it great. It's great that you managed that from the beginning of the break-up, too. I'm a little jealous, to say the least. I'd say keep going the route that you're going. You're doing the right thing by being compassionate whilst also not allowing yourself to be used as a comforter and nothing more. He is probably telling the truth about how the break-up was (partially) caused by the troubles he was having elsewhere. If the relationship was good, then I'd suggest, once he's given satisfactory answers to your questions, you can decide how you would like to move forward. Start simply, slowly, and easily, because this is a whole NEW relationship, except now you know the person really well already.
leoc1973 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 the only thing I think you might wanna do is think about if maybe he broke up with you as kind of a cry for help. Be careful not to be too demanding out of a guy that might actually need some help. Also don't be fooled into taking back a guy that might have broke up with you for someone else and now he wants you back as soon as he sees you with another guy. I am assuming that you care for this guy a great deal so really if he's going through a terribly difficult time you might wanna be there for him.
Author seekinga Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 Thank you all SO MUCH for your responses! Again, you deserve some sort of award for making it through that novel I wrote. I'll continue what I'm doing for now. Leoc, I have actually struggled with wondering if I'm not being quite nice enough if he really is having some serious issues. But like you said at the same time, it could be something totally different as well. I guess I'll wait to see how the questions are answered and see if I can trust that. I'll keep you guys updated on when he answers the questions. I'm not expecting to hear from him for maybe a week or so since I asked him to take his time and he agreed that he should make sure his feelings aren't fleeting and shallow. Any more opinions on the original post are still welcome, of course!
leoc1973 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 good I am glad that you are being open minded and fair about it. Like I said you probably really love the guy and a lot of people will be completely cold hearted in their advice but you did say something about him never getting hit with a tough time in life so he might have had a complete melt down or something. Maybe he was trying to do the chivalrous thing by not dragging you down with a sinking ship but just couldn't let you go. Its like the movie where the kid screams at the dog and hurts its feelings to get it to go away even tho he loved it so much. LOL ok enough analogies. Keep us posted!
Author seekinga Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 Well it's been nearly 3 weeks since the ex was wanting me back pretty hard (and out of character for him), and we haven't talked since he agreed to wanting to answer my questions (see story above). We both agreed that not talking during that time would be best. He didn't give a time frame of when he would have these questions finished, but its been 3 weeks. I feel like maybe nothing is coming. That wouldn't devastate me, but I am curious as to what's going on. He liked a picture of me on Facebook two weeks ago, and that was pretty much our last "contact". I'm not going to contact him first. What do you guys think, if anything?
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