Jynxx Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 There is only 1 answer here: go for the sex. Someone who didn't have sex won't be able to be in a relationship that is meant to last with a girl who had the normal amount of sex before him. It's just not possible. The idea that she had a number of guys before him and he had no girls before her will make the relationship so imbalanced that I guarantee you it won't last. I speak from experience btw.
Jynxx Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I would be more likely to date someone with a good amount of relationship experience who was a virgin than a guy who'd had casual sex with one or many women but had no relationship experience. Where are you gonna find one of those? And if you find one, ask yourself what could possibly be the reason that some guy had multiple long time relationships (say 3month+) without having sex once. Imo either medical or his relationships are actually attractionless friendzones with a wrong title on it, neither of them you would find very attractive imo
somedude81 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Any old broad? Even a "high numbers" skanky ho? Maybe it's time you found yourself a hobby.
ThaWholigan Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 It all depends on who you are and how aware of yourself you happen to be. I have a decent awareness of my emotions to know what kind of relationship I need 1st.
ScreamingTrees Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) Where are you gonna find one of those? And if you find one, ask yourself what could possibly be the reason that some guy had multiple long time relationships (say 3month+) without having sex once. Imo either medical or his relationships are actually attractionless friendzones with a wrong title on it, neither of them you would find very attractive imo But how do you know it wasn't the guy that placed the girl in the friendzone? Even if that is a sign of some sort of mental problem, it's not a sign of an inability to successfully connect with someone. How do you know the guy just KNOWS EXACTLY what he wants and hasn't found it and hasn't settled? I for one wasn't sure about this particular girl who I really cared for as a person, and didn't want to hurt her by pumping and dumping her. A girl who had come onto me rather aggressively.. Does that make me look like I might be a sexually repressed serial killer at first glance, to a total stranger who hears me mouth the words "I am a virgin".. ? Maybe so, but I know who I am and I know that I'm perfectly normal, so I don't care. I've gotten things like hand jobs, so they must've been attracted enough to want to do that. I think it's much easier to make generalizations and say all of these things without an actual individual in front of you for you to make a judgement call. And no offense, somedude, but the fact that you come on here so frequently simply to vent about things you either can't or won't help.. is a likely sign that you need to find a hobby yourself. It'd probably only do good for you, considering nothing anyone here has said to you has ultimately made any difference whatsoever. I don't think anyone here who has relationship struggles should give their peers advice. I mean.. really? You have no success, and you're going to influence other people like you with your view point? These posters should be listening to people who ARE successful. It's like the blind leading the blind.. Silly. Edited February 22, 2012 by ScreamingTrees
somedude81 Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 But how do you know it wasn't the guy that placed the girl in the friendzone? Even if that is a sign of some sort of mental problem, it's not a sign of an inability to successfully connect with someone. How do you know the guy just KNOWS EXACTLY what he wants and hasn't found it? I for one wasn't sure about this particular girl who I really cared for as a person, and didn't want to hurt her by pumping and dumping her. A girl who had come onto me rather aggressively.. Does that make me look like I might be a serial killer at first glance, to a total stranger who hears me mouth the words "I am a virgin".. ? Maybe so, but I know who I am and I know that I'm perfectly normal, so I don't care. I've gotten hand jobs among other things, at least. I think it's much easier to make generalizations and say all of these things without an actual individual in front of you for you to make a judgement call. Why didn't you just date her and see how things went? That is the point of this thread. And no offense, somedude, but the fact that you come on here so frequently simply to vent about things you either can't or won't help.. is a likely sign that you need to find a hobby yourself. It'd probably only do good for you, considering nothing anyone here has said to you has ultimately made any difference whatsoever. I don't think anyone here who has relationship struggles should give their peers advice. I mean.. really? You have no success, and you're going to influence other people like you with your view point? These posters should be listening to people who ARE successful. It's like the blind leading the blind.. Silly. OK, go ahead and list the advice I've given and why it's bad. I'll be checking this thread.
ScreamingTrees Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Why didn't you just date her and see how things went? That is the point of this thread. OK, go ahead and list the advice I've given and why it's bad. I'll be checking this thread. Not to argue with you, but if I run across any self-defeating/close minded trains of thought, I'll point them out. I only do this to try to force you to possibly TRY to think of certain things from a different, more positive/helpful point of view. Even if life sucks, trying to see the glass as half full is always going to do more for you because your negativity will just torture you. I'll find something later, s'long as you don't take great offense to it and try to understand where I'm coming from, even if you don't agree, at this point in your life it doesn't really hurt, does it? I didn't HAVE to date her, I already knew her as a person. I LIKED her, we had a lot in common, and she was fine.. Why wouldn't I have gone with her? It didn't help that she went away for half of a decade to college. Wouldn't have worked out regardless. She probably wouldn't have cared if we did the vertical tango, but I did. She then went out with two or three guys who mutual friends had all noted were uglier than me. Maybe there's something wrong with me for not taking advantage? lol Point is, I 100% KNOW I'll meet someone great just like her, so why should I have to sleep with anybody just to do it? Would that change who I am? No. Does this mindset change how I present myself to the world and interact with people? Yes. Does it change how I see other attractive girls? Yes. I don't fear them, I actually try to flirt or do whatever s'long as they don't have their bitch shield up, and what do you know? A majority of the time it works. I don't care if it does or doesn't, I just do it anyway because it doesn't hurt and for all I know the girl could WANT me to talk to her but she's too nervous or she knows it makes a girl look bad to go after a guy or whatever..
Jynxx Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 But how do you know it wasn't the guy that placed the girl in the friendzone? Even if that is a sign of some sort of mental problem, it's not a sign of an inability to successfully connect with someone. How do you know the guy just KNOWS EXACTLY what he wants and hasn't found it and hasn't settled? Wouldn't matter. Being only friendzoned means he wouldn't really have the relationship experience he claimed to have. Also, extremely unlikely that this would happen for a long time "relationships", let alone for multiple. My point still stands.
ScreamingTrees Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 Wouldn't matter. Being only friendzoned means he wouldn't really have the relationship experience he claimed to have. Also, extremely unlikely that this would happen for a long time "relationships", let alone for multiple. My point still stands. But he wasn't friendzoned. It was *his* CHOICE to not take it further, despite being able to.. It's not hard to be physically intimate with someone who was coming on to you, but if you turn them down for whatever reason, there's something wrong with you because you didn't succumb to an animalistic sexual hunger? He still had the relationship experience to turn her into putty in his hands. Plenty of guys struggle with that. You're basically assuming that a guy in this particular situation would automatically be terrible in bed. Even then, by that point if the girl really likes him she wouldn't care. Then again, maybe I can't use special exceptions such as myself.. I don't have any real problems. I guess I CAN agree that if it happens over multiple long-term relationships, that it is odd. I'm not in that category, and I've already outlined the reason why my first opportunity at a long-term relationship didn't work out, and it had nothing to do with me, so it's all good. I just wouldn't automatically reject a girl who had bad luck in the past, unless I could tell that there were major red flags.. Usually you could spot those within 5 minutes, or at least a couple of dates. That was my reason for questioning your post.. If someone seems normal to me, I'd sooner assume they were a possible diamond in the rough rather than a total looney bin. That doesn't mean I wouldn't make damn sure my rather optimistic assumptions were correct before I invest too much into things.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 I saw this post by zengirl in another thread and it made me think: You're talking about a small subset of men (you're one of them) who find dating frustrating and instead form friendships with women they are attracted to who are blatantly and obviously not attracted to them. It's not that the women won't date you because you're a friend; they won't date you because they're not attracted to you! It is true that most women don't try to use 'friendship' to catch a man they can't get (women use sex and that's where you get many screwed up FWB situations where the woman really does want to date the guy) because it would never occur to a woman that it'd work. I could tell them: Generally, it doesn't for men or women, nor does the use of sex work, but sometimes people have to learn that the hard way, I guess. Perhaps the goal of some of us down on our luck guys is to act like we're only looking for a FWB and sort of "trick" women into wanting a relationship with us thinking that they were using sex on us but really it was the other way around. Yes? No? I'm a completely crazy?
InJest Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Don't act like anything. Show interest but don't be clingy about it. It's hard to explain and I realize a statement like that doesn't do much for you, but you have to not care. Be interested, but don't care. Don't try to be funny. You either are or you aren't, and opportunities for humor will present themselves naturally. Don't force it. You also have to have something going for you too. What do you do for fun? Where do you work? Do you have any idea where you are on the looks ladder?
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 Don't act like anything. Show interest but don't be clingy about it. It's hard to explain and I realize a statement like that doesn't do much for you, but you have to not care. Be interested, but don't care. You also have to have something going for you too. What do you do for fun? Where do you work? Do you have any idea where you are on the looks ladder? Fun: basketball, sometimes concerts, academic lectures. Work: I don't. Looks: I have no idea precisely. Probably upper half of the spectrum but otherwise no idea.
ScreamingTrees Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Don't act like anything. Show interest but don't be clingy about it. It's hard to explain and I realize a statement like that doesn't do much for you, but you have to not care. Be interested, but don't care. Don't try to be funny. You either are or you aren't, and opportunities for humor will present themselves naturally. Don't force it. You also have to have something going for you too. What do you do for fun? Where do you work? Do you have any idea where you are on the looks ladder? Y'know what? Posts like this with a long laundry list of qualities a man should have are not always helpful. You shouldn't make it sound like your average guy'll need to act in such a specific way to attract someone because it'll never work for every girl. And you're right, you either are or aren't funny. I think that it'd be better just to say "be yourself and hope someone likes you for who you are".. That usually works better than any fake persona would. Women are people too, they're not perfect. Just talk to one of them and work your way from there. Don't listen to this guy's oxy-moronic advice, like "be interested, but don't care".. Unless he's trying to say that you should be interested in the moment but not let it bother you so much if it doesn't work out. I agree, but he just words it clumsily.
Canguy Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 I’ve never dated a woman with the purpose of having a one night stand. All my relationship have started as me just trying to get to know a girl I find beautiful. We’ll go on dates and have sex and at some point if she still likes me and I still like her I’ll ask her to be my gf. So things start off rather playful no titles or “I want a serious relationship” talk till after dating for a while and already having had sex. Exactly what this person said, its just the way I am. I just can't go and bang a girl that I have no feelings for. Girls hit on me all the time cuz im a hottie sorry to brag, but I wont sleep with them unless I go on a date and get to know them a bit.
ThaWholigan Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 I think that it'd be better just to say "be yourself and hope someone likes you for who you are".. That usually works better than any fake persona would. Women are people too, they're not perfect. Just talk to one of them and work your way from there. "Be Yourself" is a bit of a tricky one, as it seems a very ambiguous piece of advice. Some guys may take that advice and do the very same behaviors that turn most women off because they're "being themselves", when in fact it is that they have learned particular traits and behaviors that have set them back a few steps that they then have to rid themselves of.
reallyhotguy Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 You should focus on meeting girls you like, flirting with them, asking them out, and then kissing them without hesitation. You do any of this not because it's "the right move" according to Neil Strauss or whoever, but out of a genuine desire -- you want to flirt with girls, right? You want to ask them out, right? You want to kiss them, right? This war-room strategizing is a distraction and face it, is getting you nowhere. There's no secret you have to unlock -- you know the answer already and you know it's that simple, so what's holding you back? Just put yourself in new social situations and force yourself to meet people. "Failures" are tough, but they're necessary, and happen to every single person. I know this is advice you've received countless times, so what have you done to act on it?
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 You should focus on meeting girls you like, flirting with them, asking them out, and then kissing them without hesitation. You do any of this not because it's "the right move" according to Neil Strauss or whoever, but out of a genuine desire -- you want to flirt with girls, right? You want to ask them out, right? You want to kiss them, right? This war-room strategizing is a distraction and face it, is getting you nowhere. There's no secret you have to unlock -- you know the answer already and you know it's that simple, so what's holding you back? Just put yourself in new social situations and force yourself to meet people. "Failures" are tough, but they're necessary, and happen to every single person. I know this is advice you've received countless times, so what have you done to act on it? well it's easy for you to say, reallyhotguy. What about reallyaverageguy or even reallyuglyguy?
reallyhotguy Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 well it's easy for you to say, reallyhotguy. What about reallyaverageguy or even reallyuglyguy? Even if you're a reallyhotguy, or a reallyuglyguy, the process itself is the same. You still have to meet someone who interests you, you still have to flirt, and you still have to kiss. Physical attractiveness may have a factor in your success, but that's just one of very many factors, and that's also what comes after. As for getting things started, you could in theory teach a monkey to do it. There's no trick -- this is how it works, and that's all there is to it.
ScreamingTrees Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 "Be Yourself" is a bit of a tricky one, as it seems a very ambiguous piece of advice. Some guys may take that advice and do the very same behaviors that turn most women off because they're "being themselves", when in fact it is that they have learned particular traits and behaviors that have set them back a few steps that they then have to rid themselves of. Yes, but the specific qualities given are preferences, not requirements or things that'll necessarily make or break a guy, especially since most of what he said was mental/emotional, not physical, IIRC.. If being yourself means sticking to your passions and hobbies and whatnot, that should be fine. What particular traits could be building walls? Violent tendencies? Pedophilia? Necrophilia? Being in love with an inanimate object? Having no job or place to stay at 30 years old with no intention of change? I mean, if a guy likes duck watching or collecting comics (I've done neither, but I have no problems with either), he shouldn't have to stop doing that altogether just to meet someone. It won't get him what he originally thought he wanted. Everyone's different anyway; there's no right way to act around someone unless you're acting like a total schizo..
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